Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch
by mykindofparty
Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. The Office/Glee crossover.
1. Chapter 1

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: "Maybe it's time to take the Brittany goggles off, Tana. There's a world outside of Dunder Mifflin, you know? If you like chicks so much, I'll take you to a titty bar. I'll find you a slutty girlfriend who has way better things to do than answer phones and be Terri Del Monico's bitch," Puck says as they shuffle out the door. Santana thinks for a moment. "How's Saturday?" she asks. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>AN: I have a bizarre sense of humor… and if there's one thing I need in my life right now, it's a crossover between The Office and Glee. Also, angels.

* * *

><p>TERRI: I was an assistant manager at Sheets 'N Things before I came here to Dunder Mifflin. D'you know why my transition was so successful? Whether it's linens or paper, they're both just sheets. When you think about it, that's all it boils down to.<br>BRITTANY: Sorry to interrupt, Terri, but these documents you handed me were on cardstock. They're getting shredded in about three seconds so I don't know why you didn't just use copy paper. It's a waste.  
>TERRI: Go! Go away. Like I was saying; <em>sheets<em>.

* * *

><p><em>(The woman from before, Terri, stands in front of the cameras, grinning)<em>

"Hello there. I'm Terri Del Monico, the regional manager here at the Lima Branch. When they first told me I'd have to work forty hours a week, I declined. Then they told me how much I'd make, I declined again. Then I saw my boss – Will Schuester – and I accepted. It was love at first sight. For me, anyway."

_(The camera pans around the room, getting a shot of everyone before Terri steps back into the frame)_

"You've seen everyone, okay? Now it's my duty to introduce them to you all," Terri explains. She walks over to the reception desk where a seated blonde is playing solitaire on the computer. "This is Brittany, our receptionist. She was a dancer, but she _sucked_."

Brittany shakes her head, annoyed.

"No? You didn't suck?" Terri continues, "Oh well. Her day is simple because if you give her too many tasks, her pretty blonde head might explode. And we'd have to get the custodian, Mr. Kidney, to come clean it up. And that – that just puts a damper on everyone's day."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Yeah, I was a dancer. But before I could make it big, I injured my ankle and I haven't danced much since. I thought dancing would take me places. After all, I was voted <em>Most Adventurous <em>in high school. Instead, I work here because I needed money and haven't left. Terri thinks it's hilarious to make fun of me for being blonde, but only because she's jealous that her blonde locks come from a box. Her roots could use a touch-up.

* * *

><p><em>(The camera once again shows the entire room, where people are minding their own business)<em>

"And this is our sales team. Gotta make money somehow, right?" Terri adds. There are several members. Two brunettes, one sultry-looking and the other giddy and smiling, sit across from each other. The first – a Hispanic woman – is too busy staring at the receptionist, Brittany, to notice the crew. The other, wearing a cat sweater, is unashamedly flaunting herself in front of the cameras.

Terri clears her throat. "Now the salesmen – sorry, salespeople… _women_ – include Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones and this other girl."

_(Camera flashes to "other girl's" nameplate which reads "Tina Cohen-Chang," who gives a contemptuous look)_

Mercedes looks up from her magazine and sighs. "I told you I didn't want my face on camera before lunch."

"You don't have a choice," Terri chimes in.

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I told you I didn't want to be interviewed. Not before lunch. See me after I've had my tots.<p>

* * *

><p>TINA: I started here the same time as Terri. I don't know why she acts like she can never remember my name. When she does call me something, it's usually something stereotypical, like Lee or Wong or Chen.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera closes in on a bewildered young man who is being approached by Terri)<em>

"Ah, Sam! The new guy. This_ guy_ is – what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, he's a temp. Yup, this is his very first day on the job. And it's my duty to show him the ropes with the help of Rachel."

"I'm the assistant regional manager," Rachel beams. Santana scowls.

"You're the assistant _to_ the regional manager," Terri corrects.

While they argue, a woman walks past Sam, who takes great interest in her. He's clearly sad to watch her go, but she does stick around long enough to tell him her name.

* * *

><p>SAM: How's my first day going? Well, it's okay. I don't plan on working here too long. Santana – I think that's her name – keeps looking at my mouth when she's not up at the reception desk. She frightens me a little. Other than that, everyone seems nice though. Especially Quinn. I'd do her. Definitely going to tap that.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: He said he doesn't plan on working here long? That's what everyone says.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Back at the reception desk)<em>

Brittany answers the phone. "Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch. This is Brittany speaking."

"Hello, Brittany," a familiar voice greets. "It's Will Schuester. Is Terri aware that I am coming in today? Because she hasn't responded to any of my emails and I was wondering if she forgot her password again."

"She hasn't changed her password as far as I know and I have it written down in case she forgets. I don't think she's checked her email in a few days, though. She probably saw one of those chain letters again and she's afraid of being cursed because she didn't forward it to two hundred people," Brittany explains. It's one thing to have to save her boss from herself, but it's another to save her boss from corporate. Will's used to Terri's behavior by now, though, so it comes as no surprise that he's constantly checking up on her.

"I'll be there sometime this afternoon," Will says, and then hangs up.

Brittany glances over to Terri, who is still giving a tour of the office. This promises to end in disaster, she knows without a doubt.

_(Meanwhile, Terri wanders over to a cluster of desks that sit away from the others, where two men and one woman are hard at work)_

Terri looks straight into the camera. "Accounting! Boring numbers! Which is why we put our most boring people in accounting. Just kidding! No, I'm not. There's three of them because three's a magic number and they like numbers! So therefore they like being boring."

"Finn Hudson," a rather tall man greets.

"Kurt Hummel," an impeccably dressed, pale man introduces himself. "And I'm _anything_ but boring. Just ask my – my _roommate_, Blaine."

"Lauren Zizes. That's Z-I-Z-E-S," the sole woman in the accounting department says.

* * *

><p>FINN: Accounting's not as hard as I thought it would be. Although Lauren does have to correct me a lot and Kurt says that all of my forms are more rumpled than my shirts. Then he offers to iron clothes for me and I don't have the heart to tell him no.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: Have you <em>seen<em> his shirts? More wrinkles than Betty White's face.

* * *

><p>LAUREN: The formulas never change. When I try to explain that to Finn, he gives me this pathetic smile and it makes me want to strangle him. So instead I find other ways to let him know how much I dislike him. Santana gave me a voodoo doll, but I don't think it's working.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany approaches Terri, who is taking a break from introductions)<em>

"Terri, I need to talk to you," Brittany whispers, trying to be discreet as possible. "It's about –"

"Not now," Terri dismisses. "It can wait."

"Someone from corporate is coming in today," Brittany says, knowing all too well that if she mentions Will's name, Terri's likely to overreact.

"Go sharpen pencils or alphabetize the books in my office," Terri says. "You can fill me in later."

"You don't have any books in your office," Brittany says, but she leaves anyway.

"Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to introduce these key players," Terri continues. "Although no one is as important as me."

A wiry Asian man smiles at the camera. "I'm Mike Chang. I am in charge of supplier relations."

"April Rhodes is the name. I'm the Quality Assurance Rep, but I'll be damned if I know what that means."

"Hi! I'm Quinn. I'm in charge of customer service. People call to complain and it's my job to make them happy. So usually I tell them a little story about how my parents kicked me out of my house when I was sixteen because I had a baby and then suddenly they aren't so upset. Works like a charm. But don't worry; it totally has a happy ending. My mom took me back in and kicked my dad out."

* * *

><p>MIKE: I don't know how to say this… but April smells like she's been rolling around in a dumpster. Also, her breath stinks. I think she ate garlic for lunch. And Quinn's… insane. I don't know how to deal with all of the estrogen. Then I come home to Tina and she's my saving grace. Until she asks me to run out and get her some tampons.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: I'm calling my mom tonight because I met the man I want to marry. It's the new guy, Sam. I sent myself flowers so that he'd think I was seeing someone and become insanely jealous. Then he'd ask me out, fall head over heels in love with me, and then we'd have beautiful blonde babies together. Well, we'd dye their hair blonde since his is clearly bleached.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Mike, he said to me, "you got halitosis." And I said, "Thank you." What a gentleman! By the way, did you know about this drink called Four Loko? Crazy Fours, as the English say. I'll have to tell Santana to thank her people, even if they're trying to come into our country illegally. Do you have any booze? Come on, it's five o'clock somewhere.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(A woman types on her computer with her back turned to the door of her office, unaware of the cameras)<em>

"Emma Pillsbury, Human Resources. Moving on," Terri drawls, bored. She likes all of her employees, except for the redheaded HR woman. Something about the way she always catches Will's eye irks Terri like nothing else.

"Hello there – I'm," Emma begins, but is abruptly cut off by Terri.

"MOVING ON!"

_(The scenery changes. They are no longer in the office. Instead, they are in what appears to be a storeroom) _

"Down here is our warehouse where all of our paper is distributed and shipped and transported and sent," Terri yells over the sound of a forklift. "The guy in charge down here, Noah Puckerman, is a delinquent that I rescued off the streets. I turned his life around singlehandedly."

"I've never been homeless. I live with my mom and sister. And we met when you tried to pick me up at TGI Friday's," Noah states, "I told you – call me Puck."

"I live in an efficiency with a raccoon in the wall," Terri responds. "I keep trying to get my landlord, Howard, to do something about it, but he has fewer brain cells than the damn pest."

Puck raises an eyebrow, but doesn't offer anything more. Terri wanders over the forklift, which is being operated by a man in glasses.

"Puck, what is _he_ doing up there?" Terri yells.

"Chill out! Artie's fine. This is all hand-controlled. There are no foot pedals," Puck assures her. It's not like Terri ever comes down here anyway, so he really doesn't know why she's freaking out about the handi-capable man driving heavy machinery.

"Could you bring me my chair?" Artie asks Terri timidly.

"Fine," she says as she shoves the wheelchair over to where Artie's struggling to get off the lift. Puck stops it from rolling away and helps him down into it.

"Thanks," Artie says to Puck.

"You're welcome," Terri replies indignantly.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Terri's a terrible boss. In fact, that's usually what we call her down here in the warehouse. Terri-ble. I'd much rather work for Mr. Figgins, the man who owns the building and Figgins Refrigeration. But working here does have its perks. First of all, I don't do much. And whenever I need a good laugh, I just call up to the sales floor where my buddy Santana is. That way she gets a break from selling paper and I get a break from… taking breaks.<p>

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Most of the time I don't mind being paralyzed from the waist down. I'm used to it. But then there are times – like when Terri is around – that I really despise not being able to run away. My fiancée, Brittany, has to deal with her a lot more than I do, though.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Cut back up to the office where Brittany and Santana are whispering)<em>

"Are you serious? She actually tried to invite you to hang out?" Brittany giggles. Her favorite part of the day is when Santana comes up to her desk and shares stories.

"Yeah, I'm telling you, Terri's so desperate for friends that she'll do anything to convince people to come over to her apartment. She asked me what I like to do, but I was already busy with Puck, so I told her I like to dress up as a clown and scare little children. At first I thought she was going to accept, but then she must've changed her mind. I'm guessing her next call was to Rachel, who oddly enough looks like a clown every day," Santana embellishes as she watches Brittany's face light up.

"But if Terri and Rachel hang out and they both contract rabies from the raccoon, who will be in charge of the office?" Brittany asks playfully, knowing all too well that Santana would be the logical choice. Santana, despite her fantastic sales record, loathes working here almost as much as Brittany does.

To Brittany's surprise Santana smiles. It's because she notices that Brittany doesn't wear an engagement ring.

"So if you're not busy this weekend, I was thinking that maybe…" Santana begins, but before she can continue, Brittany chuckles again.

"I'm never busy," Brittany says shyly. "Most nights Artie and I watch _One Tree Hill_ until it's time for bed."

"Umm… never mind. Forget I said anything," Santana says, dejected. Things had been going _so well_ until Brittany brought him up.

Brittany touches Santana's arm as she tries to walk away from Brittany's desk. "No, I'd love to hang out."

"Really?" Santana asks, secretly glad that her ethnicity prevents Brittany from seeing her blush.

"Sure! The four of us could go out to dinner or something. Like a double date! You're seeing Puck, right?" Brittany says.

Flustered, Santana replies, "The four of – oh. Yeah. _Perfect_."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Do I like Puck? <em>No<em>. No, I don't have feelings for him. Not that I have feelings for _anyone_. Being single suits me, I think. That's why Puck and I have so much in common. He's always a groomsman, never a groom. Plus, the guy's number one priority is improving his kill/death ratio on _Call of Duty_. But if I wanted to find a – I could see myself dating someone who is a lot more intuitive. Someone who is sweet. Someone adventurous. Someone who sends a jolt of electricity down my spine every time we touch.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Santana's my best friend in the entire office. She has this way of making me laugh and she always knows when I need something. She's definitely the bright spot in an otherwise bland day. It's strange, you know? I hate working here, but I look forward to seeing her. Sorry… What was the question again? Oh, yes. Artie and I are engaged. Thank you for asking.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(A curly-headed man in a suit enters and walks right into Terri's office. The employees all stare; none of them, excluding Brittany, knew he was coming)<em>

"What's Will doing here?" Finn wonders aloud.

"He's making sure Terri hasn't burned the place down or sold it to Staples, most likely," Lauren responds with a roll of the eyes and resumes crunching numbers.

"If I were him, I'd get a restraining order against her, pronto," Kurt surmises. "She's all over him like a fat rat on a Cheeto."

Emma listens to the discussion as she grabs a drink from the water cooler, but fails to mask her disappointment. For once, she's glad no one pays her much attention.

* * *

><p>EMMA: Office romances are discouraged, but not forbidden. So if Will wanted to date someone – but not Terri because Terri's a despicable human being – he could. It's worked for Mike and Tina. And Artie and Brittany. If I'm not mistaken, Santana and Puck are also an item. You mean they're not? I sometimes see them together. Huh.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera crew heads into the break room where Santana is eating a tuna sandwich and Mike is waiting for his food to heat up in the microwave)<em>

"Santana! I need to talk to you," Rachel demands.

"Did your dog die?" Santana asks.

"No. I don't have a dog. You know that," Rachel snaps.

Santana laughs. "I did _not_ know that. The less I know about you, the smarter I feel."

Mike also snickers – only to receive a patented glare from Rachel.

Rachel taps her foot impatiently. "Explain this to me. Why is it that your sales are so consistent when all you do is talk to Brittany and play solitaire?"

"I'll explain that to you when you explain to me why every sweater you own has animals on it," Santana says.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: Santana is my main competition. The rest of the sales team is mediocre. What I can't stand is how smug Santana gets whenever she makes a huge sale. I have devised a plan which will catapult me straight to the top. When the time is right, I will inform you of this. But until then, wait and see.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Okay, I do slack off a lot. But I know how to sell paper. It's not difficult and I meet my requirements. What is difficult is finding new and creative ways to annoy Rachel, who takes this job <em>way <em>too seriously. For example, a little while ago I took up knitting. That way I can knit my own animal sweaters with gruesome beasts. The one I'm working on right now depicts an eagle devouring a bunny. It's taking forever because I can't quite find a red yarn that looks enough like the color of blood. Before that, I finished a mother kangaroo accidently stomping its baby to death after it fell out of her pouch. Decapitations are my specialty.

* * *

><p><em>(Will and Terri talk inside her office. They have their microphones on, but the door is shut. The crew settles for shooting the interaction through the window, which is made more difficult, although not impossible, because of the blinds)<em>

"If you had checked your messages, you'd know the reason I'm here," Will states.

"Is this about that weekend we spent together at your apartment? Because I'm not used to eating homemade food. I live off of takeout and Lunchables," Terri says.

"What? No. I thought we agreed not to talk about that ever again," Will admonishes. "I'm here to let you know that we will be closing one of the Dunder Mifflin branches. And while your sales have always been consistent, they've tapered off lately. The decision isn't final yet, but it's come down to the Lima and the Dayton offices."

"That's terrible, Will! I can't be out of a job! How else am I supposed to pay off my Pottery Barn credit cards?" Terri says as she paces the room.

"I suggest you find some way to boost their morale. And you'd better do it fast."

* * *

><p>WILL: Do I think that Terri can save the Lima branch? Not a chance in hell.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The clock on the wall above the reception desk reads five pm)<em>

"Hey Britt," Artie greets as he rolls through the door with Puck following closely behind. "You ready to go?"

"I'm going to say goodbye to Santana real quick, then we can leave," Brittany says. She glances over to where Puck has put his arm around Santana. She feels a little pang of – well, she's not quite sure what she's feeling – but whatever it is, she doesn't like it.

"You heading out?" Santana asks her sadly.

"Yeah. My favorite episode's on tonight. We really should get together on Saturday. I'll ask Artie what his plans are. I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner! Artie and Puck are friends. You and I are friends. It makes perfect sense," Brittany says.

"Definitely," Santana answers. She's torn between giving Brittany a goodbye hug and waving. As she moves to hug her, Brittany waves and Santana returns the gesture with both hands.

"Awkward," Puck mutters to Santana as Brittany and Artie leave. "Why do you do that to yourself? You _know_ they're engaged."

"They've been engaged for years. If they were going to get married, don't you think they would've done it by now?" Santana retorts in a harsh whisper.

"Maybe it's time to take the Brittany goggles off, Tana. There's a world outside of Dunder Mifflin, you know? If you like chicks so much, I'll take you to a titty bar. I'll find you a slutty girlfriend who has way better things to do than answer phones and be Terri Del Monico's bitch," Puck says as they shuffle out the door.

Santana thinks for a moment. "How's Saturday?" she asks.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Are my employees incompetent? No. Most of them are fully capable of doing their jobs. And this is a recession, which is not at all like recess. At least not according to Wikipedia. So I'd hate for corporate to close the branch down because at the end of the day, these people have lives. They have mouths to feed. And most importantly, they have me. I'm not your average boss. I'm a friend. So as their friend, I will do whatever it takes to save this place.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>I really don't know if I'll continue this. If I do, it won't be updated often. I just have a lot of other WIPs.<strong>

The correlation between _The Office_ and _Glee_ characters goes something like this (although they are not exact. The personalities don't match perfectly and **some romantic pairings are definitely not the same**).

Jim Halpert – Santana Lopez  
>Pam Beesly – Brittany Pierce<br>Roy Anderson – Artie Abrams  
>Darryl Philbin – Noah "Puck" Puckerman<br>Michael Scott – Terri Del Monico  
>Jan Levenson – Will Schuester<br>Dwight Schrute – Rachel Berry  
>Ryan Howard – Sam Evans<br>Stanley Hudson – Mercedes Jones  
>Phyllis Lapin-Vance – Tina Cohen-Chang<br>Angela Martin – Lauren Zizes  
>Oscar Martinez – Kurt Hummel<br>Kevin Malone – Finn Hudson  
>Kelly Kapoor – Quinn Fabray<br>Creed Bratton – April Rhodes (but also with a healthy dose of Meredith…)  
>Meredith Palmer – Mike Chang (this is probably the worst… haha)<br>Toby Flenderson – Emma Pillsbury  
>Bob Vance - Figgins<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: "Maybe it's time to take the Brittany goggles off, Tana. There's a world outside of Dunder Mifflin, you know? If you like chicks so much, I'll take you to a titty bar. I'll find you a slutty girlfriend who has way better things to do than answer phones and be Terri Del Monico's bitch," Puck says as they shuffle out the door. Santana thinks for a moment. "How's Saturday?" she asks. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>AN: Ok, I couldn't resist writing more because I was completely overwhelmed and pleased by all of the fantastic responses. Thank you all. Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>(The scene begins on Monday morning with Terri herding everyone into the conference room for a staff meeting)<em>

"All right, I called you in here because I have an important announcement," Terri says seriously.

Quinn frowns. She hates important announcements. But then she realizes that the new guy, Sam, is staring at her so she sits up a little straighter.

Mike had tried to save a seat for Tina, but wasn't paying attention when April took it instead. She's now drooling on his shoulder and he's not quite sure, but he thinks maybe she ate a raw onion for breakfast.

"Today, you are all getting fired," Terri deadpans, but it's hard for her to keep a straight face when she sees her employees' reactions.

Brittany and Santana were passing notes back and forth; now they have share a look of unadulterated joy.

"I'm just kidding!" Terri yells. "Surprise! Tomorrow night is the Dundies!"

"Oh my Lord," Mercedes moans.

Rachel leans over to Mercedes. "I know," she says giddily, "it's like Hanukkah has come early."

"Do I _have_ to go?" Mercedes asks Terri while ignoring Rachel.

Without hesitation Terri responds, "Yes."

* * *

><p>TERRI: So, the Dundies are coming early this year to Lima. The Dundies, as you know, are the annual office awards, created by the people and for the people. And by that I mean Brittany makes them up and I veto all the sucky ones. There are several revisions, most of which end in her crying. Usually I give these out later on in the year, but I figure if I'm going to singlehandedly save the Lima branch, the best way I can do that is to make sure that all of my employees are happy. And what says happy like a little plastic trophy?<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Rachel's goal in life is to win every contest ever. Except with the Dundies, everyone gets something so it really burns her up inside that she didn't win past awards such as "Best Female Asian" and "Most Likely to Get His Penis Caught in the Copier." Both of those went to Finn. Just kidding – only one of those went to him. My favorite was when Mercedes beat Rachel out for "Ladies named Mercedes." You should've seen the look on Rachel's face. It was priceless. She didn't see that one coming at all.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Wait, Terri said I cried? That's only because I would've been a shoo-in for "Bombshell Blonde" and she knows it. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Terri. You know I'd win hands down.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Reception desk where Brittany is making a paperclip chain)<em>

"Hey, I was wondering if you could help me come up with some Dundy ideas. I always get stuck trying to think of some new, creative awards, but she always shoots the best ones down," Brittany says as Santana approaches her desk. "What do you think of 'More Dundies than Undies' for April?"

"I love it. Hmmm… have you suggested 'Fugliest Sweaters' as an award? Because I _really_ want to win that one," Santana jokes.

"Don't let Rachel hear you say that. She might – oh, you're ringing," Brittany says as Santana's phone blasts the opening notes of _Pour Some Sugar on Me_.

After Santana types a quick text and switches it to silent mode, Brittany playfully asks, "So… who was that?"

"Some crazy chick named Sugar that Puck hooked up with this weekend," Santana replies automatically. "He gave her my phone number instead – hence the ringtone."

"Wait, you and Puck broke up? Or did he cheat on you? Santana, why didn't you tell me?" Brittany fires off the questions so fast that Santana doesn't have time to process her Freudian slip.

"We're on a break," Santana mutters, embarrassed that Brittany caught her in a lie. She can't bear to look Brittany in the eye so she goes back to her desk and sits down.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I guess that's why Santana didn't call me over the weekend or why she never responded to any of my texts. Oh gosh – that makes me sound like a stalker. I only sent two. But she was the one who wanted to hang out in the first place, right? She probably had a lot on her mind, what with Puck and everything... It's weird, they seemed <em>fine<em> last week.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: My weekend? Uh… it was good. I went to a few bars with Puck. No, no strip clubs. I chickened out. Look, there's a bit of false information about me on last week's tape. You see, I'm not into girls. Me and Puck just joke about that because we're such close friends and… I'm not fooling anyone, am I? Ugh.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Close up of Kurt's desk where a sign reads – "To the left, to the left. Every debit you owe in the column to the left.")<em>

"Hey, did you hear about what happened in Terri's meeting last week with Will?" Finn asks Kurt. Lauren listens in, annoyed at the sound of Finn's voice, but eager to hear their conversation.

"The accounting department doesn't have much use for office gossip, Finn, so unless you're talking about something concrete I don't care to know," Kurt says.

"Concrete? What does cement have to do with anything?" Finn asks, shaking his head. For a smart guy, Kurt can be pretty stupid sometimes.

"Never mind – what is it?"

Finn sighs. "Corporate is closing down another branch. This time it's between us and Dayton."

* * *

><p>LAUREN: Me? I'm a smart girl. I can crunch numbers all day. If this place gets the ax, I'll find another job easily. If worse comes to worse, I'll fall back on my gig as a wrestler. But the rest of these people have no marketable skills. Especially Finn.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: I <em>do <em>love to gossip. But Lauren and Finn are about as entertaining as watching sports with my dad – which is awful. So I get most of my information from Mercedes. Do I think the Lima branch will close? I'd say we have about as much chance as the Titanic. The ship, not the movie; the movie was great. The ship… sunk.

* * *

><p><em>(Cut to Emma's office, where she is hard at work)<em>

"Heh – ah –achh" April stutters, trying to contain a sneeze and failing miserably.

Emma's eyes widen as she witnesses the most disgusting woman in the office expel her germs into the previously sanitary workspace.

April coughs once, and then wipes her nose with the palm of her right hand. "I can't remember what it is I came here for. Sorry."

She then takes her unclean hand and rests it on the doorknob for several seconds before leaving Emma sitting there in shock.

* * *

><p>EMMA: There are certain perks that come with having my own office. For example, I can keep it just the way I like it – orderly and germ-free. Until people come in and touch stuff. It's disturbing. But it's better than the cesspool out there. Definitely better.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Break room, where Rachel is observing Finn who is standing at the vending machine)<em>

"That snack is filled with high-fructose corn syrup," she mentions.

Finn smiles. "Right."

"I don't know that we've ever really spoken. I'm Rachel," she introduces.

"Uh, Finn. And we haven't. One time you waved and I thought you were waving at me, but really Terri was right behind me. So then I felt stupid. I figured that you didn't like me or I pissed you off for some reason," Finn explains.

"You're not a salesman so there is no immediate reason for me to dislike you. You aren't competition. Last year at karaoke night you sounded pretty good on that one song you did. You forgot the occasional lyric, but overall highly enjoyable," Rachel explains.

"Thanks. It's just kind of something I do. Helps me relax. You also have a great voice. You're really talented, Rachel," Finn promises.

* * *

><p>FINN: Finn and Rachel? I like the sound of that. My mom's introduced me to a lot of her friends' daughters. Some of them are ugly. Some of them are pretty. But of all the dates I've been on, none of them have given me that warm feeling inside my chest like Rachel just did. As for getting my penis stuck in the copier, that was a misunderstanding. It was only my pants that got caught and I was in a hurry… and I had to get the mail out. Wait, that sounds wrong! Can I get a do-over?<p>

* * *

><p>RACHEL: Do I like Finn? Fact: all you need to know about me is what I tell you. But the answer is yes.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri walks by Emma's office)<em>

"What are you doing?" Terri demands.

Emma removes her surgical mask and sets down her toothbrush. She's been scrubbing her doorknob since April wiped her snot on it.

"I –" Emma begins.

Terri taps her foot impatiently. "Get back to work. Otherwise I'll file a complaint about you. It'll pass through your office since you're in charge of HR, but don't think that gets you off the hook. I'll make sure corporate is aware of the situation," she says before storming off.

April, standing close enough to hear the interaction, laughs. "You know we have a janitor that'll clean that for you, right?" she mocks.

* * *

><p>APRIL: The Dundies are a great excuse to drink. Not that I need an excuse – I've got a medical reason called Dunder Mifflitis. It's a disease and the only cure is to get blitzed. But I also have a cold – do Benadryl and Screwdrivers mix? I'm about to find out tomorrow!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office, the next day)<em>

"Good morning, Brittany," Terri says into the speakerphone. She can see Brittany from her desk, but she enjoys when they communicate through the phone despite the short distance between them. It's like they are secret-agents-slash-best-friends-forever. "What kind of special assignments do you have for me today? Except remember that _you_ work for _me_."

"Terri – Will is on hold. Line four," Brittany says, and Terri can see her roll her eyes.

"Ah yes, the blinking red light with a label underneath that reads 'Line Four.' Thank you. That will be all," Terri snaps. Brittany never plays along. It's annoying.

"Okay. Well if you have trouble figuring it out again, let me know," Brittany replies. It's happened on multiple occasions.

Terri sighs and picks up the receiver. "Terri Schuester – I mean, Del Monico."

"_Terri? It's Will. Listen, did you tell your branch about the possible closure? I've received several calls regarding the matter."_

"That's preposterous, Will. I haven't told anyone. The only time I mentioned it was in an email I sent to you," Terri scoffs.

"_To be on the safe side, check it again. Please," _Will adds.

Terri logs onto her computer and enters her email password, which thankfully she'd had Brittany write down. She scans her outbox until she sees the one she's looking for.

"Shit," she swears.

"_What is it?"_

"I accidently forwarded this to Finn," she admits.

"_Figure out a way to ease their minds. Remember, nothing is final, but this might affect the outcome."_

"Oh Will, I have a plan. I'm hosting the Dundies tonight at TGI Friday's, even though it's only Tuesday. You should stop by," Terri says before hanging up.

* * *

><p>TERRI: I hope Will shows. This could be my chance to prove to him that I'm more than some white-collar stick-in-the-mud regional manager. I'll have to use my best jokes tonight if I want to impress him. I'm going to watch the comedy styling of Sarah Silverman on my lunch break.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Reception desk)<em>

"Hey."

Brittany looks up from her computer to see Santana in front of her. "Hey yourself," she says.

"Do you think that you could stand up?" Santana asks.

"Why?" Brittany replies curiously. She was expecting something else – like for Santana to elaborate on what occurred the day before.

"Your chair is squeaking and I think it's driving Rachel insane. So I was going to propose that we switch chairs. I really don't mind the sound and it grates on her nerves like nothing else, so…" Santana trails off.

"Um, yeah. That's fine," Brittany agrees. "About what happened yesterday…"

"Puck's a great guy," Santana says, hoping to avoid confrontation. "We're adults. Adults can be friends. Exes can be friends."

"Of course," Brittany assures her. "Do you think you two will get back together?"

"It's probably just a matter of time," Santana lies.

"I'm sure it is. Artie and I broke up once, right when we first started dating. But then when we did get back together it was… awesome," Brittany finishes lamely.

Santana's heart skips a beat. So they'd broken up before. So there was an off chance that it might happen again. She suppresses the thought before her mind gets too carried away, however.

"Interesting," Santana comments, although her tone is not malicious. "Thanks for the chair."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: There's something she's not telling me. I wish she would. Maybe we're not as close as I thought…<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Getting super drunk would be on the agenda tonight if I weren't worried I'd accidently let something slip. Best way to get over this? Avoid her. Yep, that's what I'm going to have to do. I can't risk our friendship. She means too much to me.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Accounting department)<em>

"Do you have those projections I asked you for?" Tina asks Finn.

"Yeah, they're right here. Say, what do you know about Rachel?" he responds.

Tina thinks for a moment. "I know that when she's not making sales calls she's humming to herself," she offers. "And she chastised Santana for trying to convince you the other day that one plus one equals sixty-nine."

"She did that for me?" Finn asks innocently. "Sweet! See you tonight!"

* * *

><p>TINA: The first Tuesday of every month is usually when my vampire clan gets together to swap recipes and talk about books. Don't get me wrong; we don't actually believe we're bloodsucking creatures. We just like to play dress up. But instead I have to come to a work function. It's a shame. I was looking forward to trying Lauren's homemade jam.<p>

* * *

><p>LAUREN: Even after the Twilight craze passed, I still wanted to be a vampire. Maybe I was born this way. It's mine and Tina's little secret; no one else at work knows about our clan. And yes, I do make my own jam. Apricot.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera pans over to the break room where Santana and Mercedes enjoy their lunches)<em>

"What do you think about these rumors about the branch shutting down?" Santana asks out of curiosity.

"Stupid," Mercedes replies. Santana isn't sure whether Mercedes meant that she was stupid for asking or if the rumor itself was stupid.

"Totally," Santana agrees; she's hoping it's the latter.

"I suppose they could always merge the two. What will you do if we're the unfortunate ones?" Mercedes inquires.

Santana scratches her head. She hadn't really thought about it. "I don't want to sell paper for the rest of my life," she admits.

"None of us do, except for maybe Rachel," Mercedes tells her. "But we all have bills to pay."

"Well, Cedes, we'll always have the Dundies."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Terri's opening monologue at the Dundies includes a lot of vulgar remarks. I look forward to it because at least one person every year leaves the room offended. Then Terri usually has to issue a formal apology and it just adds more material to her routine the following year. And then the heckling begins.<br>MERCEDES: I don't laugh. Hell no. Her jokes are not funny.  
>SANTANA: But it is <em>hilarious<em> watching her squirm on stage.  
>MERCEDES <em>(laughs)<em>:Yeah. So was her rendition of _Tipsy _which she then renamed _Terri. _Did she ever figure out who put that on YouTube?  
>SANTANA: Don't look at me, girl. I may be the one who filmed that train wreck, but you're the one who uploaded it.<br>MERCEDES: Tots are a dish best served hot. Revenge is a dish best served cold. I'm just sayin'.

* * *

><p><em>(TGI Friday's, despite the fact that it's only Tuesday)<em>

"Hello, hello everyone. Puckerman, looking hot. DJ Terri D in the house. I know what you're thinking. Your lame boss couldn't possibly be a cool deejay. That's where you're wrong. I'm a Jack – no wait, a _Jill_ - of all trades."

"And a master of none," Puck whispers into Santana's ear as Terri rambles on about _Jack and Jill_. He doesn't miss the glare Brittany shoots his way and he can't fathom why she's giving him such an awful look. Santana laughs though and he excuses himself to the bar to get them both a beer.

Artie follows Brittany's line of sight and sees that she's decidedly upset about something. He shrugs it off. It's probably nothing more than missing tonight's episode of _One Tree Hill_, although they own all of the seasons on dvd. _Women_. Always wanting things that they already have.

"Hey Kurt," Finn greets as he pulls up a third chair to an otherwise two-person table. "Who's this?"

"Finn, this is my roommate, Blaine. Blaine, Finn," Kurt introduces.

"Wow Blaine, you must not have had any plans if you're attending this thing," Finn jokes.

"I wanted to come," Blaine says sweetly. "It's nice meeting all of Kurt's work friends."

"That's cool. I can tell you two are close. Like brothers," Finn says.

Kurt spits out his water.

* * *

><p>KURT: You see… Blaine's not my roommate. Well, he is – but here's the thing. I live in a one bedroom apartment with one bed so you do the math.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's just awarded Rachel with the "Eager Beaver" Dundy when Will walks in)<em>

"We're going to take a break, being this entertaining is hard work! Regroup in five," Terri shouts into the microphone.

"So Will," she says after she's caught her breath from running across the restaurant. "Glad you could make it."

"Thought you could use some moral support," he says with a nod. "Care to join me for a drink at the bar? I'm going to need one when people start realizing I'm here and bombard me with questions."

Emma Pillsbury, who had finally worked up the courage to greet Will herself, turns around and walks back to her table where Quinn and Sam are.

"Of course," Terri agrees as she loops her arm through Will's. They make it to the bar and he grabs a handful of peanuts, offering her one as well. She knows she shouldn't, but she eats it anyway.

* * *

><p>SAM: I made the mistake of giving Quinn my phone number. She's been texting me nonstop ever since. Even when we were sitting together she texted me. Oh look, I have one new message. I wonder who it's from. <em>You look so cute sitting there doing your interview. <em>That's what it says. I'm not kidding. I gotta go.

* * *

><p>QUINN: Here comes the bride, all <em>dresssssed <em>in white. Wait, _where_ did Sam go? You mean I spent all that time on this bouquet made of toilet paper for him to dip out early? At least I didn't waste my time on a tiara.

* * *

><p><em>(The bar, where Terri's having an allergic reaction)<em>

"Terri! Terri! What's happening?" Will asks frantically.

"Epipen," she mumbles, although her throat is already closing up.

All of a sudden, Emma springs out of nowhere and stabs Terri in the thigh with the Epinephrine. Terri's body immediately reacts to the medication and Will meets Emma's eyes.

"You saved her," he says to Emma.

The adrenaline pumping through her system causes her heart to beat a mile a minute and she replies, "Yeah. I did."

It's the best response she can come up with because she's never had enough guts to speak to Will outside of a professional setting before, despite having romantic feelings for him from the moment they met.

"Maybe you should get her to the hospital," Emma continues. "I'll let everyone else know the Dundies are cancelled."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I learned something about Terri tonight. She's allergic to nuts. And not in the way that I'm allergic to nuts, if you know what I mean. But in all seriousness, I hope she's okay.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: Why would she eat the peanut if she knew she was allergic? I'm allergic to cats and I don't go up to one and stroke it.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a-salted. Wait, wait, wait! I have another. A man walks into a bar and he hears, "Hey good lookin'!" He asks the bartender who said that and the bartender replies, "The peanuts. They're complimentary!" I crack myself up.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Will leads Terri out the door while Emma makes the announcement)<em>

"This is bougie. That bar down the street has half-price pitchers," Santana says to Puck. "Wanna make a break for it?"

He brushes a hair off of her face because he can see Brittany observing them out of the corner of his eye. "Don't you want to invite your lady love?" he asks Santana. Sometimes a person doesn't need a finger on the trigger for the gun to still be effective. Brittany's jealous eyes are all the proof he requires – she's got it bad for Santana.

"Nah," Santana replies, trying to convey a nonchalance she doesn't possess when it comes to Brittany. "Besides, you promised to find me a girlfriend so we may as well start looking."

* * *

><p>PUCK: Everything happens for a reason. I believe that Terri picked this venue because a few years ago she tried to take me home from here. It didn't work then and karma kind of bit her in the ass tonight, but oh well. Maybe now she'll stop leaving her panties around the warehouse for me to find. I'm usually all for cougars, but I do <em>not<em> want her to sink her claws into me. I also believe that even though Santana's too big a pussy to declare her undying love for Brittany right now, they just might end up together. Hold on, my phone's buzzing. _Oh no_, Tana gave that Sugar bitch my real number. Looks like karma got me too.

* * *

><p><em>(Will's car, where Terri is buckled in the backseat)<em>

"Will, I have to tell you something. I'm in love with you," Terri admits, delirious from all of the commotion.

Will gulps. "It's been a long day. You're under a lot of stress. How about – how about you sing me a song?" he says, hoping to avoid the subject.

"Okay," she murmurs, then begins to sing softly. "Teen drinking is very bad. Yo, I got a fake ID though! Erry'body in this bitch gettin' tipsy! Erry'body in this club gettin' Terri."


	3. Chapter 3

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>AN: Thanks again for all of the awesome feedback! Seeing that you enjoy it so much really makes my day!

* * *

><p>SANTANA: So it turns out that Terri's fine. She flinches whenever anyone mentions packing peanuts, but she took a few days off and now she's back. It's interesting because we were so much more productive when she <em>wasn't<em> here. Everyone took it upon themselves to make like a bread truck and haul buns; Rachel in particular. I, on the other hand, haven't made up my mind about whether I want to try to save this place. Decisions, decisions.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I dreamed about paper last night. Reams of it. Dreams of reams. That sounds like a fantastic song. That's amazing... I can hear the melody in my mind. I wonder if I could pursue a music career should I fail to save Dunder Mifflin Lima Branch. Or DuMi LiBra, as I like to call it. But wait – I just remembered – I <em>never<em> fail. There go my musical aspirations; it was just a pipe dream anyway. Ream dreams are much more realistic.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Halloween's coming up soon and every year we wear our costumes to work. I decided I'm going as a peanut allergy so maybe Terri will avoid me for a whole day. It would be a dream come true. I wonder if I could convince my cat to come as Mr. Peanut. Nah… that would probably never happen. Lord Tubbington hates wearing the top hat I gave him.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot, where Kurt has just arrived)<em>

"Good morning," Terri greets Kurt politely as they both step out of their cars at the same time.

Kurt glares at her. She's been waiting for someone else to arrive for a while now so she doesn't have to walk into the building alone. "Hello," he responds tersely.

"How was your night?" Terri asks.

"Fantastic," he answers. "Spent a night on the town with my boy – boys. Y'know, my friends. The guys."

"Care to hear about mine? So the raccoon in my apartment…"

Kurt walks away, not even bothering to hide his disgust.

* * *

><p>KURT: As it turns out, I'm not the only Dunder Mifflin employee suffocating in the closet. Blaine and I hit up this bar last night that's at least thirty minutes south of town and who did we see macking on some chick? <em>Santana Lopez<em>. And all I could think was, "That explains everything." But it makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not alone.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I met a girl named Harmony at the gym. We've been on a couple of dates. We're going to dinner at my favorite restaurant tonight and then she's coming back to my place to watch a movie. It's the first time she'll see my apartment. Don't take this the wrong way, but she's the complete opposite of… of… who I'd <em>normally<em> be attracted to. But now that I'm dating someone I don't feel the pressure to avoid Brittany. Who says girls who like other girls who are engaged to guys can't be friends?

* * *

><p><em>(The camera pans over the room, Rachel's busy on the phone)<em>

"Santana, could you please join me in my office?" Terri calls from her doorway.

Santana moans, but reluctantly complies.

"I need your help," Terri, looking anxious, says as Santana shuts the door.

"You'd be better off calling animal control," Santana offers. "I don't have much experience with raccoons."

"What? No, I'm not talking about that. I've gotten used to him," Terri dismisses. "The quarterly sales report came in today. I'm frightened. I don't want to open it."

Santana pauses. "So you need me to?" she asks.

"Yes."

"And this is going to tell us whether or not we'll be out of our jobs?"

"_Yes_. There's also a note from Will's boss Sue and I don't want to read that either," Terri proclaims.

Santana looks over at Brittany at the reception desk.

"Wait," Santana says. "Before we open this, do you have any regrets? Anything you wish you could change? I'm asking as your employee, not your best friend. Just so we're clear."

"All I heard was regrets… blah, blah, blah… best friends," Terri says. "If you must know, I slept with Will a while back. And when he never called outside of work, I fell in love with him. I'm fairly certain I confessed this love when he took me to the hospital. Whoa, that felt good to get off my chest."

Santana blinks. "I meant like… did you ever regret firing someone or stealing staplers," she clarifies.

Terri shrugs and says, "Eh, not so much. Why? Is there some deep, dark secret you've concealed all this time? Aha! There is! You came to me about it because we truly are best friends."

"You know what, I'm going to read this at my desk and I'll come back when I get a grasp on the situation," Santana says as she moves to leave.

"But… you can't… I told you _my _secret," Terri says, frantic.

Santana takes a deep breath. "Okay. This may come as a huge surprise, but I'm also in love with someone who works for Dunder Mifflin."

Terri clicks her tongue. "Oh honey, I know Puck might say that he likes you, but trust me – that is not the life you want. Can you imagine waking up to that stupid hairdo every morning? Sure, a one night stand is one thing, but he's not the relationship type. Although he would make beautiful children."

"I wasn't talking about Puck," Santana whispers.

"Huh. Well… is it the new guy? What's his name? The nerd."

"Sam. And no. Definitely not. You're – you're never going to guess so we should just drop the subject, probably."

"No, you can tell me. I'll never tell another soul – I swear. Besides, if this truly is one of our last days working together as friends, then wouldn't you rather go out on a high note? No regrets, like you said," Terri pleads.

"It's Brittany," Santana breathes out, then rips open the envelope. "Terri, we are pleased to inform you that the Lima Branch is not closing. However, the Dayton Branch will also remain fully functional. Along with Dayton's Regional Manager, Holly Holiday, you have the last quarter of the year to prove that your respective branches can meet the financial projections," Santana reads.

"We – I – huh?" Terri asks.

"We will decide on a course of action then. Signed, Sue Sylvester," Santana adds before hightailing it out of the office.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Brittany? <em>Where the hell did that come from<em>? And what else don't my friends tell me? What else can I find out? Hmmm… what's something that I could use in exchange for information? Ah, I have a plan.

* * *

><p><em>(The ladies room, where Mercedes is primping)<em>

"Kurt – what are you doing in here?" she probes, baffled, when he pops out of one of the two stalls.

"Don't judge," Kurt scoffs. "This one is way more sanitary than the men's room."

"Aren't you worried about getting caught?" Mercedes asks, genuinely concerned. "People will start snooping around if they find out you come in here all the time."

"Easy. Emma doesn't use public restrooms. Terri uses the one downstairs in the lobby because it's far enough away from here that we won't hear her during her 'morning meeting.' The same goes for April, except it's more so we can't _smell_ her toxic poo rather than _hear_ it. Quinn only comes in here to make personal phone calls. Rachel pees on the hour every hour, but I checked the clock before I came in. Lauren's a little unpredictable with her irritable bowel syndrome, but she last came in here approximately thirty to forty minutes ago. When I walked in it smelled like Pinesol so I figured it had been cleaned. Tina was easy enough to bribe. I found some weird picture of her dressed like a vampire. I dunno. I also bought Brittany off with a box of Dots. Dunder Mifflin's number one stunner, Santana, is in Terri's office right now probably listening to the delightful tale called 'The Rabid Raccoon Who Ate a Shoe' which I thankfully avoided this morning in the parking lot. Oh look at the time, I've said too much! Gotta go," Kurt says, leaving Mercedes flabbergasted.

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Things that I like about Kurt. He ain't a fool. He's almost as stylish as I am. He's about as gay as a purple piano covered in glitter and unicorns. But I hate that he has to suppress a lot of who he is at work. Corporate America isn't always so friendly to people who stick out like a sore thumb. Especially when your boss makes racial slurs all throughout sensitivity training.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: It really does smell better in there. I think that's because Mr. Kidney, the janitor, drinks his vodka out of a teapot in the men's room. Another reason I prefer to go in the room reserved for the fairer sex is that Finn likes to whip his penis around – I'm sure you heard the story about the copy machine – and I'd feel like such a perv if I accidently caught a glimpse. Furthermore I don't think Blaine would be too happy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office)<em>

"I've called you in here today because I'd like to make a deal," Terri says proudly.

"I already sold my soul down in New Orleans for some Mardi Gras beads, but thanks for thinking of me," April asks.

"Not like that. I have a vital document here in my hands. If you want to know the contents all you have to do is tell me a secret," Terri demands.

April mulls it over for a second before replying, "Oh. I see what you mean. Tit for tat – I've played this game before. All right; the secret is to _bang the rocks_ _together_."

"No, April. A secret about _you_. I don't even know what the hell you just said."

"You didn't specify!" April argues. "So unless you want me to spill the beans about you and Mr. Boss Man gettin' it on like Donkey Kong…"

"I forgot you knew about that. Fair enough. Our branch isn't closing yet," Terri says dismissively. "You still have a job. Congratulations."

* * *

><p>APRIL: Who do I need to talk to so that I can get paid in wine? Payroll?<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Terri <em>knows<em>. Oh shit. _Terri_ knows. And I'm the one who told her. What is this world coming to? Terri couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it. Maybe she'll order some cashew chicken for lunch and all my problems will be solved.

* * *

><p><em>(Warehouse, where the dock workers are taking a break to horse around)<em>

Puck shoots the basketball and makes it, but passes it to Artie instead of taking another shot.

"Did you and Santana break up?" Artie asks, missing the basket by a wide margin.

Puck shrugs and answers, "Nah. Why?" He's gotten this question plenty of times before and he's an old pro at dodging a bullet.

"Brittany's been bitching about you lately. She said something about how you and Santana are on a break, but you were all over each other at the Dundies and she didn't know what that meant."

"We have a very _open_ relationship," Puck brags.

"So that's why you and Santana don't live together?"

"That and my mom makes me waffles. Plus how weird would that be if I brought a chick home and my girlfriend was sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching reruns of _The Golden Girls_?"

"Dude. You have it made," Artie says, awestruck.

Puck grins. "Like no other, my brother."

* * *

><p>PUCK: I'm excited for this weekend although Santana's being a total loser and going out with her new girlfriend instead of hitting the bars with me. But I doubt this chick will last long. They never do. Mostly because they have enough common sense to realize that she's head over heels in love with someone else. So that's why I tell Tana to bang some sluts. Sluts don't care about the past. They just care about their imminent pleasure, if you know what I mean. I didn't even help her find this new girl. She turned down all these bar sluts and met <em>her <em>at the gym. The gym! Do you know what that's code for? I'm in this relationship until we have sex. Then I'm dumping you and switching gyms.

* * *

><p><em>(Reception desk)<em>

"Hey. What was that about earlier?" Brittany asks Santana, who had left Terri's office earlier looking unusually pale.

"Oh – that? Nothing. Terri needed some advice about how to remove the raccoon odor from her apartment. I told her she should just move. It'd be so much easier than going out to the store and buying a bottle of Febreze," Santana jokes half-heartedly despite her internal conflict.

"You're so silly," Brittany replies. "Look, things have been kind of weird between us ever since you let it slip about Puck. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Maybe we could try hanging out this weekend since you stood me up last time?"

Santana rubs her neck. "Tonight's off the menu. I have a date," she says.

"Oh really? Anybody I know?" Brittany asks innocently.

"Probably not. His name's… Matt," Santana lies.

"Matt Rutherford? The guy who used to work in payroll?"

"Yeah. Matt Rutherforth – I mean, ford. He uh – messaged me on Facebook a while back when I was still official with Puck and now that I'm single I decided to accept. You know – all the singles ladies put your hands up," Santana blurts out.

"I love that dance," Brittany says with a grin. "I used to do it nonstop before I got injured."

"Really?" Santana asks, and in an instant she's back to her old habits; fawning over Brittany's every word. "You should take it back up. I can tell you miss it."

"It's been so long. I'm probably rusty," Brittany admits. "Plus I don't know if my ankle is up to the challenge. I used to perform some pretty hardcore moves."

"Well, maybe you should take it slow. Ease into it. I mean, you wouldn't marry the first guy that you dated, right?" Santana says and Brittany's face falls. "Oh my God – Brittany, I am so sorry. I had no idea that Artie was… he was? _Really_?"

Brittany smiles unsurely. "He was – is – my first_ serious_ boyfriend. Fiancé, now. We started dating junior year of high school and after graduation I received tons of offers to dance in different troupes and companies. And Artie thought he was holding me back from living my dream so we broke up. Then I got hurt and had to come back here to Lima. He was the first person I called and… we've been together ever since."

"Oh." It's the only word Santana can say– and she does her best to maintain her composure.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: What does having a heart attack feel like? Can you Google that for me real quick?<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: That was the most thoughtful suggestion. I do miss dancing. It made me feel good. I haven't done something for myself in a long time - real life kind of got in the way of stuff like that. Oh, you wanted to do that segment called <em>A Day in the Life of Brittany<em>, right? Meet me by my car later and you can follow me and Artie home.

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office)<em>

"Mercedes, you've been with Dunder Mifflin for how long?"

"Long enough to know what these meetings mean," Mercedes grunts.

"Exactly. What I have here in my hands is the quarterly sales report," Terri says for dramatic effect.

Mercedes sighs. "This is not a game show, Terri. You don't have to wait for a commercial break to tell me my fate."

"We have until the end of the year to outsell Dayton. I'm going to need all of the salesmen – sorry, women – to work together. Find new clients. Go on sales pitches. This is the only way for it to work. If you four keep stealing each other's clients then we're going to be out of jobs faster than you can say tater tots," Terri explains. "You can go now, but don't say a word to anyone."

Mercedes leaves.

"Crap," Terri mutters. "I suck at interrogation. I forgot to ask her for a secret."

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Terri's right about one thing. Rachel and Santana are damn idiots, always trying to compete. Santana does it to piss Rachel off, but Rachel is a different story. She wants vengeance. She wants blood. But what she needs is a straightjacket and a muzzle.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Break room, the camera pans over to the microwave which has an out of order sign on it)<em>

"Why won't this damn thing work?" April swears as she mashes all of the buttons at once.

"It's broken," says Emma. "Besides, what do you need it for? You're eating a sandwich."

"I like the noise," April coos. "It's soothing. I like to be relaxed during lunch and we're not supposed to drink on the job according to that red headed HR woman – what's her name?"

"Emma," she replies, curious to see where this conversation is headed.

April snorts. "Yeah, Emma. What a bitch. So, Terri, when did you dye your hair red? I could've sworn I saw you in your office earlier and you were blonde then."

"Are you sure you're not drunk?" Emma asks, not bothering to correct her.

"Is there alcohol in alcohol?" April slurs. "I'm kidding – I accidently took NyQuil instead of DayQuil. S'why I'm so drowsy."

"But you just said –"

April gives a lopsided grin. "Aw, loosen up, Terri. Will's never going to sleep with you again if you got a stick up your ass!"

* * *

><p>EMMA: Does April frighten me? Yes. But a lot of things do. Germs. Hair follicles. Mud pies. Anything having to do with sewers. People with freakishly long toes. Paper cuts… which is a constant state of fear because, hello, look where I work. As for that little tidbit about Will and Terri –I really, really hope what April said wasn't true because I think he deserves better. Also, herpes is incurable.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Did I know that was Emma? …Who's Emma?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office, Rachel is called in)<em>

"We're friends, right Rachel?"

"Of course! Best friends," Rachel boasts.

Terri holds up a hand. "Whoa, don't get carried away. Santana already claimed that title."

Rachel frowns. "That's a shame because I have this prank I've been planning for her and I could really use someone of superior intelligence and wit to assist me. But if you're not interested…" she baits.

"Me? I'm in. I'm in!" Terri says. If she's busy thinking about pranks, then she's less likely to spill Santana's secret. "When do we start?"

"All in good time, Terri. What is it that you wanted to tell me?"

"I forget," Terri says with a shrug. "Go back to your desk and don't bother me unless there's an emergency. I'm super tense and I need a nap. Being a regional manager is exhausting."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: Remember when I said I had a plan that would make me the top salesperson? Well my friends, the time has come for Operation Munder Difflin. Yes, you heard that correctly. Here at DuMi LiBra, two things are always true. One, Finn gets those mini donuts out of the vending machine whenever he finds spare change in his car. They're totally bad for him, but he looks so cute when the powdered sugar sticks to his upper lip. And two, work is the last thing on Santana's mind. <em>Always<em>. Over the past month, I have been stealing away her clients one by one and she hasn't even noticed. I even changed the letterhead on her word processor to read Munder Difflin. The sale I'm working on now will expose her for the slacker that she is and likely get her fired.

* * *

><p><em>(The main room of the office)<em>

"Who used my computer to Google heart attack symptoms?" Brittany wonders aloud.

_(Camera sweeps over to Sam and Quinn who are arguing)_

"All I'm saying is that maybe it's a little soon to be meeting your mom. That's all," Sam whispers.

"But she's going to love you. You're blonde," Quinn replies. "Just be sure to wear a hat so she can't see your roots."

* * *

><p>SAM: I've started to get into a routine around here. I'm used to waking up early and drinking coffee in the mornings like a responsible adult. I spend my weekday evenings praying with Quinn or going to Bible study with Quinn or being a volunteer cheerleading coach with Quinn. When the weekend rolls around I get so unbelievably shit faced that I can't remember my own name. Then comes Monday. And I do it all over again. Maybe I should date Santana instead. I hear that she and Puck are only sorta together. She looks like the type of girl who'd go after anything with a penis.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Sam said that about me? Hahaha. Wait, you don't tell anybody what <em>I<em> say in these interviews, do you? Okay, good. Because I'd end you.

* * *

><p><em>(The break room, where Mike and Tina are whispering quietly and Lauren is eavesdropping)<em>

"Come on, Mike," Tina insists. "When was the last time we actually had a good time on Friday night?"

"Panda hair," Mike responds casually.

Tina blinks. "What?"

"When my mom came over to the house and made us a pot of panda hair tea. It was fun. We played Scrabble and Pictionary with her and then made that conference call to my dad on his business trip."

"That was torture. Our lives are so boring that we're spending Friday nights with your parents," Tina sneers. "We need some excitement."

"I dunno, T," Mike hesitates. "The last time we tried to spice up our relationship you spilled all of that wax all over my abs and it stung my belly button."

Lauren sees an opportunity and decides to strike while the iron is hot. "Allow me. Tina, Mike. I've known you two for how long? Since our people were forced out of Transylvania?" she asks coolly.

Mike looks at her in disbelief. "Lauren, you know all of that vampire stuff is between you, Tina and the rest of the clan," he says.

"Yes, Mike, I am aware. I am also aware that your relationship is not nearly as perfect as it seems. Which is where I come in."

Mike looks skeptical. "We're not into threesomes," he states.

Lauren shrugs. "Not saying you are, not saying you aren't. But that's not what I'm offering. I'm an accountant. But I'm also an entrepreneur. I can get my hands on a few products that will turn your frowns upside down."

"Drugs?" Tina asks curiously.

"Sex toys."

* * *

><p>MIKE: Lauren scares me, vampire makeup or not. So if she tells me to do something, I'm going to do it. And if Tina wants something, I'll find a way to give it to her. No matter how kinky.<p>

* * *

><p>LAUREN: I'll break into whatever business puts money in the bank and food on my plate. Introducing Mike and Tina to my adult entertainment business could prove quite handy in the future – like when this shithole closes for good at the end of the year.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office, where the clock reads 4:45)<em>

Brittany walks in with a stack of papers. "Terri? Have you been asleep all afternoon?" she asks when she sees Terri reclining in her chair.

Terri opens her eyes. "That's ridiculous," she says. "I have responsibilities, Brittany. Not everyone has it made like you with your fiancé and your car that's already paid off and your raccoon-free apartment. I had to make several very important decisions today and I learned things about people that I didn't care to know, like with Santana."

"Santana?" Brittany asks, surprised. "What about her?"

"I – uh – you – it's not my place to say," Terri stutters. "My best friend's secret is safe with me."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Now I'm worried. Even Terri knows that something's going on with Santana and she referred to herself as Santana's best friend. That's impossible, but what can Santana tell Terri that she can't tell me? Let me make this one last copy and then we can go. I'll take you to mine and Artie's apartment and show you what our life is like outside Dunder Mifflin. I can think about Santana later.<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: We had a warehouse guy lose his thumbs today. Apparently he nodded off while working the jigsaw… his name is Henri. Later tonight at the bar, while I'm gripping my beer mug with all five phalanges, I'll give a toast in his honor. Two thumbs up, since he's down two thumbs.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: I left my NyQuil lying around in the warehouse so I went back downstairs to get it and guess what I found out? It had a coupon for fifty percent off the next bottle! Oh and some man lost the ability to hitchhike.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>AN: As a thank you for 50+ reviews over the span of three chapters, I decided to kill off Artie. Just kidding… or am I?

* * *

><p><em>(Friday evening, Brittany's car, where Artie is in the backseat)<em>

"You know what I decided today, babe?" Brittany asks happily. "I'm going to start dancing again."

Artie looks up from his phone. "Why would you want to do that?"

Her smile falters. She replies, "Because I miss it. Because I was really good."

"Brittany, you were devastated when you practically shattered your ankle. I don't want to see you get hurt. I'm not trying to upset you by saying this, but that ship has sailed. You're never going to be a professional dancer," Artie states.

"Who says I have to do it professionally? Growing up it was about having fun. Maybe I can't do all of the intricate choreography I did before, but I can still enjoy it. What's wrong with that?" she asks, exasperated.

"What is this really about?" he inquires. "Did someone at work upset you?"

"No, I was just talking with Santana today and –"

"Santana, Santana, Santana! I am so sick of hearing about Santana. Do you wish your life was really as glamorous as hers? Puck sleeps with a ton of other girls! Is that what you want? A boyfriend who cheats on you? Someone who isn't willing to provide for you? He treats her like crap because she_ lets_ him."

Brittany's on the verge of tears. "I don't even have a ring!" she sobs. "You keep saying that you're saving up for one, but you always come home with new gadgets. An X-box here, an Iphone there! We've been engaged for three years. Puck takes Santana out on the town when he's not fooling around! When's the last time you took me on a date? I cook for you almost every night and yeah, I still burn most of it, but I do it for you. When's the last time you put down your controller and sang to me?"

* * *

><p>ARTIE: I guess instead of sex and video games tonight it's just going to be video games. Again. I miss sex.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Artie and Brittany's apartment, suburban Lima – Brittany's in the living room dancing, Artie's in the bedroom playing video games)<em>

"Can you – can you turn the music down?" Artie calls from the bedroom. "I can't hear my game."

"You have headphones," Brittany yells back and turns up the volume.

"Lord Tubbington ate 'em when you spilled fondue on them, Britt," Artie replies. "And Beyonce can't drown out your sorrows."

Brittany storms into the bedroom. "Fine," she says with a shrug. "I'm going to get some dinner. Then I might go see a movie by myself. Then I might go for a drive. You have the pizza place on speed dial. Call me in an emergency. Don't run over LT's tail again; he's still very pissed off about the last time."

_(Scene cuts to Brittany walking into a restaurant called Breadstix)_

"I just signed up for a dance class at the community center and stopped in here for a to-go order. I'm getting Artie something too because knowing him he's lost track of time playing Halo," Brittany tells the camera. She looks around the room until she sees a familiar face and heads over to Santana's table to say hello and sits down.

"Harmony, what took so long? Did you fall in?" Santana says while leafing through the dessert menu, but gasps when she sees who it is. "B-Brittany! What are you doing here!"

Brittany shrugs. "I remember you telling me about this place so I thought I'd come check it out. I didn't mean to interrupt. Who's Harmony?"

"That's my little nickname for Matt," Santana lies. She glances around for a sign of her real date – who is hopefully still in the bathroom.

"Speaking of Matt," Brittany begins, angry. "I looked at his Facebook page and it took me less than three seconds to conclude that he got a girl pregnant! He's a cheater too! When he comes back, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind–"

"Excuse me."

Brittany whips her head around to see a brunette woman with blue eyes staring back at her.

"You're in my seat," the woman continues politely.

"I was just leaving," Brittany apologizes. "So are you Harmony, then?"

"Yes," she replies, "and you are?"

"Brittany. I work with Santana," Brittany introduces before turning her attention to Santana. "So that thing about Matt wasn't true? You could've told me you were having dinner with a friend. Because when I asked about your plans, you said you were going on a date – oh. _Oh_."

Santana blushes furiously. Without a word, she reaches into her purse, slaps some cash down on the table and leaves.

Harmony also stands. "I'm going after her," she declares.

Brittany grabs her arm. "Wait," she says kindly. "She tends to lash out whenever she's upset so it might not be a good idea to go out there right now. One time we had to replace the vending machine in our office because she threw a chair into it trying to get the last Snickers bar. I mean, she was PMSing so what are you gonna do, but it made this one guy, Sam, almost pee his pants."

Harmony nods.

"So… is this your first date?" Brittany asks.

"Third," Harmony replies uncomfortably. "She told me this was her favorite restaurant."

"It is," Brittany agrees. "So… uh… what do you do for a living?"

Harmony's eyes light up. "I'm an assistant manager at Staples and I've been in a few of their commercials, in the background. I've been stapling things since I could make a fist. Yep, I was born to sell office supplies. I've won Employee of the Month six times in a row and I plan on winning again this month. Oh honey, Santana's calling me. I'm going to check up on her, okay? It was nice meeting you."

* * *

><p>HARMONY: Call it a preemptive strike, but I'm going to cancel my gym membership before I go find Santana. We didn't even have sex. It's a shame.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I can hardly believe I'm saying this because the whole thing is still shocking to me – but that girl is <em>all wrong<em> for Santana. In fact, she kinda reminds me of Rachel. Haha, oh my God. That girl is _totally_ Rachel. That's Rachel's clone on crack. I wonder if she's been sent here from the future with only a stapler as a weapon in a mission to kill Terri. Poor Santana. I probably scared her to half to death…  
>WAITER: Here's your order, ma'am. Sorry about the wait.<br>BRITTANY: Thanks. Hey, could you throw in some more breadsticks? Like a lot. My cat loves these things.

* * *

><p><em>(The office, Monday morning. Emma walks by April's office)<em>

"April – where are your Dundies? I could've sworn they were just there last week," Emma asks.

April leans back in her chair and Emma can see up her skirt despite not wanting to look. "Sold them. Gold's at an all-time high right now," April says.

"Those things are made of plastic," Emma replies.

"Well, I guess I got a real good deal for them, then."

* * *

><p>APRIL: The money's for a metal detector. So I can go dig up more gold. Wouldn't be the first time I've been called a gold digger. Except now I mean that <em>literally<em>.

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot, where Mike and Tina walk in together)<em>

"Crap!" Tina exclaims. "I forgot to put a bra on this morning."

"So did I," Mike says, which makes Tina giggle. "But in all seriousness, I think you left that one in the backseat from Friday night," he adds.

Tina gives him an appreciative smile. "You're right, I did."

"I, for one, wouldn't be opposed to you going braless however."

"Michael Chang Jr.! Now's not the time for dirty talk."

* * *

><p>MIKE: Did Lauren's sex toys help? What do you think?<p>

* * *

><p>TINA: I unleashed the animal that is Mike Chang this weekend.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera follows Santana into Terri's office)<em>

Santana clears her throat before announcing, "I need a transfer."

Terri glances up from her computer, where she's drawing a raccoon on Paint. "What are you talking about, Santana? A transfer to Akron? A transfer to Atlanta? Ah, that's what it is. You want to see the ATL. You want a slice of those Georgia peaches. Or can I interest you in Detroit? Some Eight Mile skanks?"

"Please shut up," Santana replies.

"Okay, good. Because I know you're my best friend and all, but I don't know if I'm ready to talk about _that_ with you," Terri says.

Santana puts her hand on her hip. "For one thing, I'm sort of in love and I kind of don't want any '8 Mile Skanks' as you so thoughtfully put it. And another, I am requesting a transfer to Dayton."

"Dayton?" Terri shouts. "But that's the enemy!"

Santana raises an eyebrow. "Are we really enemies? We're the same company. Rivals, maybe."

"Can it, Lopez. It's time for some tough love, Terri-style. Who beat us at the company picnic's wheelbarrow race?"

"Dayton," Santana answers.

"Who sunk our paddleboat before the big paddleboat race?"

"Dayton."

"Who replaced their watermelon with a seedless one so they'd win the watermelon eating contest?"

"Actually, that was us. That was the only event we won."

Terri thinks for a minute. "Oh. I forgot about that. But the point is you cannot go to Dayton. They hate us and we hate them. Picture it this way; if we were a show choir and we had to compete against them, we'd be singing mediocre little Journey medleys while they're belting out Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs. They're like a well-oiled machine. And you're our last hope."

"What if I went to Dayton under the pretense of boosting their sales, when in actuality I do some corporate espionage?" Santana prods.

"But that's illegal," Terri says. "I like it."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I have no plans to sabotage Dayton. In fact, I want to kick Lima's ass. Partially it's because of Rachel, but mostly because I don't want to transfer to Dayton for nothing. Then when Dayton crushes Lima, I won't ever have to worry about any of my former coworkers ever again. Easy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Accounting department)<em>

"I have another peanut joke," Finn announces to Lauren and Kurt.

"Those stopped being funny weeks ago," Kurt responds while organizing his desk.

Lauren snickers and adds, "Yeah, Finn. It's one thing to keep a joke going while it's still funny, but it's another to run it into the ground."

Kurt giggles. "Don't take this the wrong way, Finn, but you're a lot funnier when you're not trying to be. Like when you spilled ink down the front of your pants and Santana convinced you that you were part squid."

"I just don't remember knocking that ink thing over – so I figured it must've come from my own body," Finn says, embarrassed. "But that's not usually happens when I– "

"Okay," Kurt interrupts as Lauren's ears perk up considerably. "Enough of that conversation."

* * *

><p>KURT: I'm really not tired of nut jokes. They <em>crack<em> me up. Blaine also taught me a little poem that goes, "A peanut sat on a railroad track; his heart was all a-flutter. Around the bend came Number 10. Toot! Toot! Peanut butter." Man, Blaine is so smooth.

* * *

><p>LAUREN: So Finn <em>has<em> jizzed in his pants. Kurt owes me twenty bucks.

* * *

><p>FINN: It was black ink and I was wearing light grey pants. I had to walk around like that all day. Now I keep a spare just in case.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri walks over to Quinn's desk)<em>

"I need you," Terri tells Quinn.

"Sorry," Quinn says with a shrug, "I'm a born-again virgin. Plus I'm not that into that."

Sam, who is eavesdropping, hangs his head in shame. He's not sure which of her statements disappoints him more.

"No, I need to speak with you in my office," Terri snaps.

_(Camera follows the two women into the office and the door is shut)_

"What's so urgent? I have complaints to listen to," Quinn says. "Although I could use a break. Do you know how annoying it is to listen to people constantly whine? It's so annoying. Like, take Sam for example. He's always saying that he really likes me and all of this other stuff and then he tries to take things further. What's wrong with holding hands? Why does he have to guide my hand over his crotch when I give him a peck on the cheek? Imagine what would happen if I kissed him on the lips."

"Well, honey, you only have so many child-bearing years left. Trust me," Terri says dismissively. "Use this time to do him as often as you can. Because he might find someone else – like a wide-eyed, ginger HR woman, for example," she says, thinking about the looks that passed between Emma and Will at the Dundies.

"But I already had a child!" Quinn wails.

"Will you stop crying if I tell you I want to throw a party at the end of today?" Terri asks.

Quinn sniffles. "What's it for?"

"Santana."

"Why? It's not her birthday. I know because I'm the head of the party planning committee," Quinn says.

"No, I know. I know when my best friend's birthday is, okay? Anyway, today is Santana's last day here. You have all afternoon to get it together."

Quinn gasps in surprise. "This isn't because of Rachel's stupid Munder Difflin plan is it?"

"No – what? What are you talking about?"

"I don't know. I overheard Rachel during an interview last week saying that she has some scheme to get rid of Santana for good and then she called it Munder Difflin, which is like the stupidest name for a plan ever. I think she also referred to herself as a dumb Libra, which is odd because I thought she was a Sagittarius. Not that I put much stock into the Zodiac."

"Totally," Terri agrees before continuing. "Quinn, make sure this party is one to remember."

"I will."

* * *

><p>QUINN: I'm not that fond of Rachel. If this were high school, I'd probably pick on her a lot and call her names and stuff, but this is the workplace. So instead I daydream about all of the nicknames I'd tease her with. I decided that I'd even draw pornographic pictures of her in the bathroom. Maybe even get a football player to throw a drink in her face. The possibilities are endless.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Main room, where Terri is about to make an announcement)<em>

"Your attention, please. Thank you," Terri begins. "Is this everybody? It doesn't seem like everyone's here."

Kurt glances over to the break room where Santana is trying her hardest to avoid Brittany. Neither notices the meeting taking place just outside the door. "All here," he calls out.

"At four you are all invited to a party in the conference room," Terri declares.

"So we get to quit working at four?" Mercedes asks.

"Yes."

"So then I can just leave."

Terri shakes her head. "No."

Mercedes sighs. "But if I'm not working then why can't I go home?"

"Because then you'll miss Santana's going away party!" Terri squeaks out before throwing a hand over her mouth.

Everyone lets out a collective gasp.

_(Meanwhile in the break room)_

"Here," Brittany says as she offers Santana a breadstick.

Santana scoffs. "I don't want your stale bread, Brittany."

"Really? 'Cause I don't think these things ever go bad. Think of it as a peace offering," Brittany adds hopefully.

Santana doesn't reply.

"Please talk to me," Brittany begs.

"What is there to say, Brittany?" Santana asks sadly. "Do you want me to be mad at you for being in a public place the same time as me? Because I'm not. If anything, you should be mad at me. I lied to you. I lied to everyone. And it was stupid of me to think I could get away with it forever _especially_ in Lima."

"No, you weren't being stupid! I'm stupid for reacting the way I did – for not doing anything. I froze up; it took me by complete surprise. I'm _sorry_. And I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't confide in me," Brittany whispers. "You could've used a friend."

Santana blinks back tears. "I have Puck."

"What about – what about a female friend?" Brittany asks. "There's gotta be some things you don't share with Puck."

Santana looks into Brittany's eyes. "He does kind of zone out whenever I talk about what designers my dates are wearing."

"I hated the dress Harmony had on the other night," Brittany admits. "But yours was so hot."

"I know, right?" Santana says with a laugh. "Hers reminded me of… of…"

"Rachel?"

Santana's jaw drops.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Harmony dumped me the next day. She said some dude from Best Buy asked her to get coffee at the Lima Bean, but I know it's because of what happened at Breadstix. Whatever. And now that Brittany mentioned it, Harmony really was Rachel; annoying and loud. They both had about as much fashion sense as a nun. Or maybe a female rabbi, in Rachel's case. Wait… do they even have those?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's desk, where she is typing away)<em>

"Hey Rachel," Finn says shyly. "Want to hear a joke?"

Rachel, delightfully giddy after Terri's announcement of Santana's departure, grins. "Of course, Finn. I have a few minutes before I need to call my dads. They're two of my best clients."

Finn smiles back. "Have you heard the one about peanut butter?"

Rachel thinks for a moment. "No," she replies.

"I don't know if I should tell you. _You might spread it_," he says.

Rachel gives him a blank look. "Seriously, Finn. You can tell me," she insists, but he's already walking back to his desk.

"You can tell me!" she calls again. "Finn! I won't say a word!"

* * *

><p>RACHEL: What does he mean I might spread it? Isn't that what you're supposed to do with jokes? Maybe Finn thinks I'm some sort of gossip like Mercedes or Kurt. I wish I knew why he thought I'd spread the joke about peanut butter – oh. I get it now.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where Puck's phone is playing <em>Pour Some Sugar on Me_)_

"Hey man, who keeps calling you?" Artie asks.

"Her name's Sugar. We got together a while ago, but she won't stop calling. One day I answered without looking at the caller ID and agreed to meet back up. She introduced me to some positions. And I _know_ positions. It was totally worth hearing all about her Asperger's; beforehand, at least."

"You know, sometimes I really wish I had your life, Puck."

Puck groans in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?" he asks. "You've got a woman – a good woman that ain't your mama – who is willing to put up with your whiny ass. She cooks and cleans for you. She tries every way to show you that she cares about you. She agreed to marry you even though it's been three years and you still don't have no ring. If you're having major doubts, then there's no way in hell you deserve someone as great as Brittany."

"But you and Santana –"

"I'm not talking about me and Santana. I love her, but she's not the one for me. So we're together until we find who we're meant to be with."

Artie contemplates this. "I need to buy her ring. Will you go with me?" he asks pitifully.

Puck picks up a basketball and shrugs. "Sorry, bro. Conflict of interest." He passes the ball away. "Hey Henri, catch! Oops, forgot about your missing thumbs."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Conflict of interest? What's that supposed to mean? Does he like Brittany too?<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: What was Santana like before she met Brittany? That's easy. Tits 'n ass. We were two glorious lady-killers with all the right moves. She did go through this one weird phase in college where she only ate jicama, but it only lasted about a semester. Me? I didn't go to college. But I did hook up with almost all of her sorority sisters. To be fair, Santana nabbed a lot of those chicks too, even if they won't admit it now. These days, I'm the only one with an endless string of booty calls. The last time she got laid was… was… I don't even know.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(April's car)<em>

"Are you sure you're allowed to drive?" Artie asks, frightened. He was desperate for a ride to the jewelry store – and April was willing to take him.

"What state are we in?" April replies as she weaves in and out of traffic.

Artie gulps. "Ohio."

"Then yeah, we should be fine. I think it's the other 'O' state that I'm not supposed to operate a moving vehicle."

"There are two others – Oklahoma and Oregon."

April runs a red light. "It's not either of those. Ottawa, I think."

"That's in Canada."

April cracks a lopsided smile and says, "Hell, I'm _definitely_ banned from there. I tried to smuggle 'special' maple syrup across the border and got caught by a Mountie. Or maybe I got mounted by a Caughtie. One of those two. Anyway, we're here." April pops the trunk. "Aren't you going to get your wheelchair?" she asks. "Oh, right."

She clambers out of the car and tugs on the wheelchair until it falls onto the road. Somehow a brown, sticky substance got stuck to the seat. She goes to lick it off but thinks better of it and wheels it around for Artie to sit in. She then leads him inside the jewelry store.

"Wow, there are just way too many to choose from," he states. "How will I ever decide?"

"Well in my experience," April begins and Artie immediately pales, not knowing where this is going. "The bigger the bling, the more likely the girl will suck you dry."

"What?" Artie asks, embarrassed.

"Yeah. Gold diggers. They'll suck you dry; take every penny. I know because I am one. Say, you aren't lookin' for a mistress, are you?"

"No no no. I'm good."

"Fair enough," April says offhandedly. "Who is it that you're marrying again?"

"Brittany," Artie replies.

"Ah, the black girl," April says with a wink.

Artie frowns, wondering where an attendant is. "No, Brittany's the receptionist. You're thinking of Mercedes," he says.

April rolls her eyes. "Oh, I knew that. I just think you'd look good with a black girl. You could get you some mixed babies. I had my own set of mixed twins before they got taken away by child protective services. I'm not sure why, though. I was a _fanstatic_ mom."

"I think you mean fantastic."

"Nope! By the way, how long's this gonna take? We're supposed to be back by four and there's no way Terri's going to believe I've been taking a shit this long."

"Four o'clock? For what?" Artie inquires.

"It's Santana. She's leaving," April says with a pout. "It's really too bad. That time she broke the glass in the vending machine, I got all of the gum out of there. Didn't brush my teeth for _weeks_. I could probably use some more gum. I ran out of toothpaste."

* * *

><p>APRIL: I definitely cased that joint. Me and my Bontempo Road crew have had our eyes on this place a while.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Conference room, which is decorated with pink and white streamers)<em>

"Wow, Quinn. You did a great job with this party," Kurt says sarcastically. "Santana's sure to love those doilies you put on the table."

"Aren't they adorable?" Quinn implores. "I saw them at the party store and thought 'that is so Santana.' And the plates are because Barbie is America's role model. Where is Santana anyway?"

"Terri sent her down to the warehouse for a second and Puck's supposed to bring her back up," Kurt explains. "As for Brittany, I don't think she got the memo. She's still sitting at her desk."

"You know," April, who has just arrived, says to Terri, "if you want to get rid of that raccoon in your apartment just sprinkle cinnamon all over – but whatever you do, don't use pepper. Raccoons love pepper; they hate cinnamon."

"That's tigers," Terri sneers back. "And I don't want ants. They're a million times harder to get rid of."

_(Reception desk)_

"Artie – what are you doing up here?" Brittany says, still a little angry from Friday night. She's also frustrated because she can't figure out where everyone else went.

He wheels closer to her before pulling a box out of his pocket. "Brittany, if I could kick myself for saying those terrible things to you, I would. You're a talented dancer, but you're an even more amazing fiancée. So I got you something that I promised you a long time ago. This is your ring and I know it's not nearly as flawless as you deserve, but I sold my unused gaming systems on Ebay for a down payment."

Artie slips the ring on her finger and before she can say anything, Santana and Puck walk in.

"Nah, she seems like the type to switch gyms, not me," Santana says to Puck, not noticing the couple a few feet in front of her. "Although I guess I'll have to since –"

"Hey guys," Artie greets. Brittany sits there, stunned. Santana's eyes are immediately drawn to the ring and her heart begins to race once again. Puck notices it as well and steers Santana towards the conference room where Terri is playing 'Pin the Tail on the Raccoon.'

"That was awkward," Artie grunts.

"Wait, why is everyone in the conference room?" Brittany asks; her silence broken.

"That's the first thing that you say to me after I give you your engagement ring that you've been begging me for?" Artie responds, dejected.

"No! It's not that. The ring – it left me speechless. It's perfect. Thank you."

"They're celebrating Santana's last day here," Artie confesses, feeling guilty for getting angry. "Go. She's your best friend here. You have a lifetime to look at your ring."

_(Conference room)_

"Mercedes?" Sam asks. "Will you be my mentor? I'd really like to learn from you."

Mercedes sets down her piece of cake. "First answer this question. What's the first rule that you learned in college?"

Sam runs his fingers through his hair. "Never drink the bong water."

"No! The first rule about business, fool," she replies.

Sam racks his brain. "Meet and exceed customer expectations."

"Not bad. Now do you think anybody gonna take you seriously with that haircut? It's in your eyes and it makes you look like you just got back from a kegger at the frat house. Dress to impress, kid."

"You want me to cut my hair?" he asks incredulously.

She shrugs. "I'm not saying, I'm just sayin'."

_(The camera sweeps over to Puck and Santana)_

"It's real now."

Puck frowns. "I'm sorry. I should've given you a heads up. We had to scramble to get our last shipment out because we were all distracted by watching Henri try to pick up things with his hands."

"It's cool, Puck. How'd he even get to the jewelry store anyway?" Santana wonders aloud.

"T-that would be my doing," April slurs. "By the way, do you want some punch? I added a special ingredient."

"Yes!" Santana shouts. "I'd love some."

She's pouring back her first drink as Brittany walks in. She sputters momentarily but manages not to spill it all over herself.

"Alright, everyone. Time for the woman of the hour to make a speech," Terri says into the microphone of the karaoke machine.

"Speech, speech, speech!" Finn reiterates and when no one joins in his chant, he stops abruptly. During this time, Santana downs another cup of April's punch.

"But first," Terri adds, "I'd like to talk to you a little bit about Santana Lopez. You see, Santana and I are best friends. We finish each other's…" Terri pauses, hoping to elicit a response from Santana, whose mouth is practically glued to her solo cup. "Sentences," Terri continues. "We also hang out all of the time and just last week we bonded over our unrequited Dunder Mifflin loves."

Everyone present exchanges confused glances. They're all aware of Terri's crush on Will, but beyond baffled by who Santana's might be. Brittany looks at her ring finger, trying to avoid eye contact.

Terri smacks her own forehead. "Oh fuck, I wasn't supposed to say that."

Santana slinks back over to the punch bowl. Whatever April made is potent. She dips the ladle in and then feels everyone's eyes on her. "What?" she asks. "Why are you all staring?" She hadn't been paying attention to Terri's rambling at all.

"Santana, why didn't you just ask me out?" Kurt jokes loudly. "I would've said yes."

Santana giggles, along with several other employees because it's not the strangest thing Kurt's ever said, by far. "Mmhmm, Kurt. Is that the karaoke machine?" she asks, suddenly distracted.

Puck turns her slightly so she's facing the right direction of it. She stumbles up to where Terri's holding the microphone and snatches it from her.

"Puck, play my jam," she says and music begins to float through the conference room. "_Some people call me the space cowboy_," she sings. "_Some call me the gangster of love_."

The room is silent until April lets out, "Hell yeah!" and the rest of the office starts getting into the impromptu performance.

"_Some people call me Maurice_," Santana continues. "_C-Cause I speak of the_ – I don't know what the fuck that word is – _of love_."

As Santana drunkenly belts the second verse, Brittany sits down so she can process everything that's happened in the past twenty or so minutes.

"'_Cause I'm a picker-"_

"It's weird. Normally when she's drunk she's all weepy and shit, but right now she's kind of mellow," Puck says to Brittany as he takes the seat next to her. "I guess Emo Santana will rear her ugly head later."

"_I'm a grinner-"_

"Yeah," she agrees as she glances over to where Artie is talking to Tina.

"_I'm a lover-"_

Puck puts his arm around her. "What's wrong?"

"_And I'm a sinner-"_

"She didn't tell me she was leaving," Brittany whispers.

"_I play my music in the sunnn-"_

"Yeah, it was one of those spur of the moment things," he admits. "She told me what happened Friday."

"_I'm a joker-"_

Brittany's eyes widen. "I won't tell anyone. It doesn't bother me at all that she's… y'know."

"_I'm a smoker-"_

"Glad to hear it. You mean a lot to her, Brittany," Puck says.

"_I'm a midnight toker-"_

"She means a lot to me too. More than she realizes," Brittany says sadly.

"_I sure don't want to hurt no one."_

"Is she allowed to say 'midnight toker' at work?" Rachel asks Finn as they observe Santana's unsurprisingly popular performance.

"I think she's beyond caring, Rach. Besides, why not go out with a bang?" he replies.

"I suppose you're right. But I'm so calling dibs on the next song."

* * *

><p>SANTANA <em>(drunk)<em>: I don't know where Puke went. I sent him a text that said, "Hey dickhead, take me home. I'll make u a wafflez."  
>PUCK: Santana, I'm sitting right next to you.<br>SANTANA: So why didn't you text me back? I see your phone in your pocket right there. Oh. I just grabbed your penis. _Dissssgusting_.  
>PUCK: Normally a hot, sloppy drunk chick grabbing my junk does the trick, but since it's you, I kind of want to cunt punt you. I'll let it slide this time, though.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: She's not leaving because of me, right? Because of what I saw? I just can't help but feel it's my fault. It seems like we have a lot of unfinished business. Ow! Oh my God, my ring is too small! It's cutting off my circulation.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: At home I have this Chuck Norris poster that has all of these jokes like, "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris." After today, I think it's safe to say that I'm going to cross out every Chuck Norris and replace it with Santana Lopez. She's my new hero.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>AN: I thought it was so funny how a bunch of you were disappointed that I didn't actually kill Artie. Maybe he just hasn't met the right elevator shaft to fall down yet. Also, introducing Jesse St. James as Andy Bernard.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Transferring to the Dayton Branch was probably the best decision I ever made. First and foremost, what better way to get over a crush than to relocate? I have a window next to my cubicle which I didn't have in Lima and… I … ah, fuck it… This place is a total <em>sausage<em> fest. There are no women here except my new boss, Holly. She's what we in the paper business would call "one ream short of a bundle." By that I mean she's crazy. And I thought Terri was nuckin' futs.

* * *

><p>DAVE: The new girl looked familiar and for the first few minutes I couldn't quite place my finger on it. Sure, I've probably heard her name in passing a time or two, but I don't make a habit of knowing all of the Lima Branch's sales associates by face. Until I realized that I had met her before at a bar off of I-75. A gay bar. I was there to, uh, support a friend.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Oh, wait, wait! It gets <em>worse<em>. Dayton doesn't have a Breadstix! Can you believe that shit? How dare they call this the Birthplace of Aviation when everyone knows that the Wright Brothers never would've built a damn airplane if their mama hadn't fed them breadsticks for lunch every single day! They should call Dayton the Birthplace of Aviation-Inspiring Breadsticks. As you can see, I'm not bitter, I'm just… _miserable_.

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, morning meeting)<em>

"Everyone listen up," a lithe, blonde woman whom Santana recognizes as Holly Holliday says. "We have a new salesperson joining the team today so let's give a round of applause for Santana Lopez."

Santana's met with an enthusiastic response, so unlike the kind she'd receive at Lima. She suspects it's because she's only one of two women working here. They're going to be sorely disappointed, she thinks.

"Aren't you from the Lima Branch?" a snide, curly-headed man asks as the crowd disperses.

Santana does a double take; for a second she mistakes him for Will. "What's it to you?" she replies curiously.

"I recognize you from the company picnic, that's all. When your team's paddleboat had the terrible misfortune of sinking, you retaliated by pouring tabasco sauce over our team's plate of hot dogs before the hot dog eating contest," the man answers.

"Retaliation implies that someone was responsible for sabotaging the boat," Santana says through gritted teeth. "Who the hell are you, anyway?"

"Allow me to introduce myself," he says arrogantly. "I'm Jesse St. James and I would say that I'm your main competition, but that would _imply_ I see you as a threat."

"Numbers speak louder than words, Jethro," Santana replies just as confidently. "And if I learned anything from my days as head cheerleader, it's that the best way to sell paper is by using my two biggest assets."

Jesse looks at her chest, wishing he'd noticed it before.

"Forget cold calls," she continues with a wicked smirk, "Santana Lopez is going on sales pitches starting tomorrow."

* * *

><p>JESSE: This isn't a place for women. I don't mean to channel Don Draper a la <em>Mad Men<em> – actually I do – but the paper industry is a man's world. And as _South Park_ taught me, "Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." So this new girl better watch out – she may be hot and she may get clients with her knockers, but there's only one _Jesse St. James_, at least according to Facebook. I persuaded all of the other Jesses delete their accounts.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: if I want to be the highest-grossing salesperson at Dayton, not only am I going to have to wear low cut tops to meet with all of my prospective clients, but I'll also need to channel my inner-Rachel. It's strange… I never thought I'd meet someone that I dislike more than Rachel – and then Jesse opened his mouth. From the first word, I just knew. Do I miss Rachel? Hell no. But if forced to choose between her and Jesse, I'd pick her every time. As long as I could duct tape her mouth shut.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, morning meeting)<em>

"Good morning," Terri greets as the staff gathers around her. "I have meetings all day so Rachel's in charge while I'm gone. These are real meetings, too, not like the time I dipped out to go to the spa or when Pottery Barn had that huge sale on monogrammed toilet brushes."

Everyone except Rachel groans.

"My cat could run this office better than her," Brittany whispers to Tina, who smirks.

"Another thing," Terri adds, "Sam, you're moving to the desk next to Rachel's. Congratulations, you've just been promoted from temp to saleswoman – I mean, _man_."

Sam grins sheepishly and Quinn glares at him. Now their desks are no longer side by side.

"But that's Santana's desk," Brittany protests a little too quickly.

"We can do this without Santana!" Terri says, trying to rally the workers. "Have I ever steered you wrong?"

"Yes."

"Plenty of times."

"You almost killed yourself when you knowingly ate a peanut."

"Besides all of those times I've steered you wrong, have I ever gotten any of _you_ killed? No? Didn't think so. That's why you should trust me with your lives, your jobs and your children," Terri declares. "Well, probably not your children," she adds as an afterthought.

* * *

><p>TERRI: For the longest time I wasn't allowed to watch my three nephews by myself. It wasn't my fault they kept jamming things into the electrical outlets. I bet they are the reason I've come to mistrust gingers. Sneaky little soulless devils.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Worst ideas in the history of the world: allowing people over forty on Facebook, cancelling <em>Sweet Valley High<em> and letting Rachel Berry run the office for a day. There are tons more, but those are definitely top three.

* * *

><p>SAM: I have my MBA, so it really makes me wonder why it took so long for me to get promoted from temp to salesman. I've learned a lot on the job, but I have yet to go on a sales pitch. Mercedes wasn't my first choice for a mentor, but that's because I've never seen her do anything other than crossword puzzles. Rachel tried to haze me by making me do some kind of weird vocal exercise. Tina seems sweet, but she's a little shy when it comes to selling things. Ideally I think I could've learned a lot from Santana, but – hey Quinn.<br>QUINN: Oh my gosh, it like _broke my heart_ when Terri said that we were being separated.  
>SAM: Uh, mine too, but you know… maybe this is a good thing… spending time apart.<br>QUINN: What are you saying? Are you breaking up with me?  
>SAM: …No?<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: When Terri's away, the Limans will play. What do you call someone from Lima? Limeans? Limatians? Haha, that reminds me of <em>101 Dalmatians<em>. I think I'll stick with citizens of Lima. You'd think that I know since I live here.

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, main room)<em>

"All I had to do was whisper in her ear, 'I'm fastidiously groomed,' and she trailed after me like a lost puppy," Jesse says which earns raucous laughter from the men crowded around his desk. "Ah, Savanna, there you are."

Santana turns, although she knows he is trying to bait her. "It's Santana," she corrects. "And I'm from Lima Heights Adjacent and they _sure as hell_ know my name there."

Jesse frowns, confused.

"That's the 'hood, _Jason_," she adds for emphasis.

Dave Karofsky, noticing the tension, pipes up. "Santana, Jesse here was just telling us a story. You know any good ones?"

"Nah – but I know this joke," she says with a shrug.

"Let's hear it then."

"Why can't sluts count to seventy?" she says, pausing to let the boys mull it over for a second.

"Why?" Dave asks.

"Because sixty-nine's a mouthful."

She saunters off, leaving the men of the Dayton branch either dumbfounded or intrigued.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Puck told me that one. Yep, he was prouder of that than he was of every single negative pregnancy test he's ever had a girl take. He doesn't have much going for him, but I miss him all the same. Well, I miss his mom. Gross – not like that! She makes delicious waffles. But uh – on a semi-related topic – never, ever eat any syrup from April. <em>Never<em>.

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, reception desk)<em>

"Hey home slice!" an unfamiliar voice greets Brittany.

Brittany looks up from her game of Minesweeper to see a woman in her late teens or early twenties standing in front of her. "Sup… dog?" she answers unsurely.

"I'm looking for Puck," the woman replies as though this should be obvious.

"Who exactly are you?" Brittany asks.

The woman rolls her eyes. "Duh, I'm Sugar. Surely Puck's told you all about me. He's told me about everyone. I know that Terri's some crazy raccoon lady, Mercedes likes those iced coffee drinks and some chick named Brittany has nice boobs that are better than mine, but it's whatever because I have a _totally_ kickass personality."

At this point in the conversation, several other employees stop working and listen in on the conversation between Brittany and Sugar.

"I didn't think Puck actually talked to his booty calls," Brittany muses.

"Oh, he doesn't. But I'm special. Anyway, where's my BFF, Santana?" Sugar says while texting at warp speed.

Brittany sighs. "You're not going to find either of them here. Puck's downstairs in the warehouse and Santana's in another part of the state."

"Oh yeah, I forgot she moved. It's a shame because we're _super_ close. When I first met her, I was _so_ sure she was trying to sleep with him, but then he told me they were permanently friend-zoned. He wouldn't say why, though. Anyway, I'm going to go find my man. Tootles!"

And with that, Sugar leaves the employees of Dunder Mifflin's Lima Branch shell-shocked for one reason or another.

* * *

><p>LAUREN: It's been an interesting week. First Santana pulled a Benedict Arnold and peaced out on our asses, then we come to find out she has a mystery love interest here. Next some bitch walks in like she owns the place and tells us that Santana and Puck were never together? I would've brought popcorn, but I think the microwave's still broken.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: As you know, I know that Santana's gay. It's why I tried to cover for her at her going away party, except she doesn't know that I know she's gay<em> and<em> she doesn't know that I'm also… of the homosexual persuasion. It wasn't hard to figure out that Brittany's her unrequited love. I mean, come on, we all know it wasn't Rachel.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: What if Santana's unrequited love was Rachel? She's always teasing her and playing pranks on her. She even dated Harmony, who's <em>Rachel 2.0<em>. Nah, that's ridiculous. There's no way… but then who? It's _not_ me. People tend to assume when a same-sex friend comes out to them that it's also a love declaration. That's clearly not the case here since I kind of accidently booted Santana out of the closet while she was on a date. Besides, it can't be me. I'm… engaged.

* * *

><p>APRIL: Why won't somebody fix the damn microwave? By the way, I just drank Kool-Aid without alcohol for the first time. Not too fond of it. Not too fond of it <em>at all<em>. I thought vodka was the only liquid ingredient. Turns out most people use _water_ instead. Go figure!

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, Holly summons Santana into her office)<em>

"You wanted to see me?" Santana asks, hesitant.

Holly nods and gestures for Santana to take a seat. "Look, I called you in here because I'm not going to baby you. You know how to sell paper. And that's the main reason I accepted your transfer packet from Lima. But last month your sales were more sporadic than my herpes flare ups. So if you're going to work here, you're going to work. I used to be kind of a flake when it came to doing business until that bit me in the you-know-where. So after today, let's try and keep these little chats to a minimum, okay?"

"You don't have to worry about me," Santana replies tersely. "I want to win."

"Ah – a bit of bad blood from the old Lima offices, huh?" Holly jibes. "Determination; I like that. Well don't let the boys intimidate you. They don't take too kindly to newbies, Jesse in particular, but I have a feeling you'll be just fine."

* * *

><p>HOLLY: When I first saw Santana walk in, I thought, "Now there's a girl who could use a taco." So being the good boss that I am, I'm going to buy her lunch on the first day. Guess what it's going to be? A taco. Now before you get offended, just know that I love Mexicans. I eat their food all the time! I wanted to give Santana a taste of home; to make her feel more welcome. Maybe tomorrow I'll bring her a burrito.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, conference room)<em>

"As you know, in Terri's absence I am in charge," Rachel says, ignoring the icy glares people are shooting her. "The rules are as follows: there are to be no pranks played during office hours. There are to be no distractions or interruptions from work. If you need to use the restroom, you will come and get the lavatory pass. If you do something that I deem correct, you get one Berry Buck. Mercedes, stop doing that crossword puzzle or you'll be minus one Berry Buck."

"I don't give a damn about Berry Bucks," Mercedes retorts. "I have Mercedes Nickels."

Rachel leans in curiously. "What's the ratio of Berry Bucks to Mercedes Nickels?"

"About the same as the ratio of dragons to mermaids."

* * *

><p>TINA: I'm trying a new approach to sales. It's called WWSD, which stands for <em>What Would Santana Do?<em> I figure I'm either going to crash and burn or my sales are going to go through the roof. I hope it's the second one because… I'm in debt. I owe Lauren a lot of money. I didn't exactly tell Mike how much those "toys" cost and I put a lot on our tab. What can I say? Chains and whips excite me.

* * *

><p>LAUREN: Tina needs to hit the Berry Buck jackpot and then she'll have to win the real lottery if she's going to pay off all of her expenses. She does have this crushed velvet vampire cape that I'd be willing to accept as partial payment, but she'd never willingly part with her most prized possession. Maybe I'll have April steal it for me.<p>

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I'll say it; we need Santana. Because as <em>loca<em> as Santana is, she keeps Rachel in check. And since she's not here to do that, Rachel done went off the deep end.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I miss Santana. I miss her so much! <em>False<em>. I do not miss Santana. I do not miss her "clever" puns. Furthermore, I do not miss our banter. But I suspect you're going to play the montage anyway. Fine… roll clip.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I am a cunning linguist.<br>SANTANA: Cunnilingus, got it.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: A penis and a vagina walk into a bar.<br>RACHEL: How can they walk into a bar? They don't have legs. And what kind of bar caters to that crowd?  
>SANTANA: Relax, it's just a joke. So anyway, a really strange looking body part also comes in. It asks the bartender for a drink and starts to make small talk.<br>RACHEL: Wait, not only can they walk, but they can talk too?  
>SANTANA: It's called anthropomorphism. Look it up.<br>RACHEL: _Oh, I'm Santana and I'm so cool because I know words with more than six letters.  
><em>SANTANA: Is that really your impression of me? Because it's terrible. And my name has seven.  
>RACHEL: Like you could do a better one of me.<br>SANTANA: How's this: _I'm Rachel Berry. I sell paper and for fun I make origami with supplies I steal from work. Gold stars. Gay dads. Veganism._  
>RACHEL: That is not true! Do not believe her! I would never steal ANYTHING from Dunder Mifflin.<br>SANTANA: So what's that sticking out of your pocket? Is that a Dunder Mifflin pen?  
>RACHEL: Nice try, but I always return my pen to my desk at the end of the day.<br>SANTANA: Well I _might_ tell you the rest of my joke if you admit that it's _possible_ that you may have _accidently_ taken _something_ home with you from work that does _in fact _belong to Dunder Mifflin.  
>RACHEL: Hmmm… on a scale of one to ten, how good is the joke?<br>SANTANA: I made it up on the way to work today so I'd say it's at least a twelve.  
>RACHEL: <em>ImayhavestolenfromDuMiLibra<em>.  
>SANTANA: You know what? My break's over. Back to the grind!<br>RACHEL: Don't walk away! I need to know the punch line! Santana! _Santana_!

* * *

><p>RACHEL: My family looks at the ingredients in bread before they eat it because one of my fathers is allergic to gluten.<br>SANTANA: Your family looks inbred. Noted.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: The smartest man I know never opened a book.<br>SANTANA: Jesus?  
>RACHEL: You <em>know<em> I'm Jewish.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: How do you stop a person from telling a knock-knock joke?<br>RACHEL: Gee, I don't know. Enlighten me.  
>SANTANA: When they say, "Knock, knock," you say, "Come in!"<br>RACHEL: That's stupid.  
>SANTANA: Let's try it. Knock, knock.<br>RACHEL: You may enter.  
>SANTANA: No, you ruined it. Say "come in."<br>RACHEL: Fine. I'll play along.  
>SANTANA: Knock, knock.<br>RACHEL: Come in.  
>SANTANA: I'm here to rob you! Give me all your stuff or I'll shoot you with my gun.<br>RACHEL: That's not a laughing matter, Santana! Thousands of people are victims of home burglaries every year.  
>SANTANA: It's not my fault you let a stranger into your house.<br>RACHEL: But you just…! You… ugh.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Hey Rachel, did you know that the square root of sixty-nine is ate something?<br>RACHEL: Of course. The square root of sixty-four is eight and the square root of nine is eighty-one so it's only logical that the square root of sixty-nine would fall between eight and nine.  
>SANTANA: That's not what I meant.<br>RACHEL: Then what did you… Oh. You should really wash your mouth out with soap.  
>SANTANA: I think that's the best response to a 69 joke I've ever heard. Thanks Rachel.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: So the vagina says, "You're an asshole!"<br>RACHEL: Excuse me, _what_ are you talking about?  
>SANTANA: Oh, I'm telling you the rest of my joke.<br>RACHEL: You mean the one you made up _months_ ago? Fine, carry on.  
>SANTANA: Then the vagina storms off and the penis turns to the asshole and says, "Don't worry about that. I'd still do you."<br>RACHEL: Don't talk to me ever again.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Your mom goes to college.<br>RACHEL: No. She went to Broadway.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: End scene.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, Santana's desk)<em>

"No, Terri, why would I know Will's home address?" Santana says into her phone. Outside her window she can see a storm approaching. With any luck, lightning will knock the power out so this conversation will end.

"_I suspect he's got his sights set on someone else and I want to find out more about him so he'll fall for me instead."_

Santana snorts. "Maybe you should just ask him questions about his interests and then you wouldn't have to dig through his garbage cans."

"_That's a brilliant idea…. I don't know why I hadn't thought of going through his trash. Do you think he recycles? I just thought of something. What will Will do if he spots me?"_

"Worst case scenario, he'll see you snooping around outside his house and shoot you with a gun. Best case scenario, he'll see you snooping around outside his house and shoot you with a tranquilizer," Santana predicts.

"_Don't get an attitude with me, okay? Best friends forever, that's the motto."_

Santana internally groans.

"_And another thing," _Terri continues, _"What have you learned from Dayton?"_

"That my boss needs to stop taking Vicodin."

"_Santana, for the last time, that raccoon is not a hallucination!"_

"I'm actually referring to my new boss, Holly."

"_I hear she has nasty flare ups of something or other. I think it was tuberculosis. Does that spread easily? Should I be concerned for your safety?"_

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Looks like I traded Scary Terri for Whory Holiday. I don't know if I should be frightened or relieved.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, main room)<em>

"Brittany!" Rachel shrieks. "Why aren't you busy?"

"According to your chart, I don't have enough Berry Bucks to use the copy machine," Brittany replies after setting her phone down. "So I tried to ask Lauren for a loan since she works in accounting, but she didn't have any because you prefer the 'lazy bitches and Sam in sales...' Then I asked Mercedes for some of her nickels, but she said that they're imaginary. Then Finn said, 'At least I don't have to worry about my pants getting stuck in the copier; I can't afford it.' And then…"

"I don't want to hear it," Rachel snaps.

Brittany pouts. "I hate you. No wonder Mercedes Nickels are the preferred currency here." She then resumes texting Santana.

Rachel ignores her and decides to confront Lauren, who is sitting several feet away. "So, you have a problem with how I operate?" she asks.

Lauren glances at Rachel. "Yes," she replies simply. "You're not the regional manager."

"I'm the assistant regional manager."

"That still doesn't make you my boss," Lauren says coolly. "You don't have the authority to fire me."

"Fine then," Rachel huffs. "If you have a complaint, put it in the suggestion box." Rachel turns to the office. "That goes for all of you, by the way."

* * *

><p>EMMA: I've received sixty-seven complaints about Rachel so far today and one about the raccoon that lives in Terri's apartment. I guess he's not a very good roommate because it's written in Terri's handwriting. She should've gone with a beaver, or maybe a sloth, but not an elephant since they like peanuts.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: What do you call a cashew in space? An astro<em>nut<em>. I've wanted to tell that one to Rachel all day, but she's too preoccupied.

* * *

><p>EMMA: I filed a complaint as well, but against April. For a while, I've suspected someone's been stealing my Clorox wipes. Turns out I was right. April uses them as an alternative to deodorant. It gets worse. She puts them back in the box when she's finished. I can never look at sanitary wipes the same way again.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, Santana's desk)<em>

"I got a text from Brittany," Santana tells the camera. "It says, '911. Rachel on the loose. She may or may not be armed with a hole punch,'" she reads. "On the bright side, at least I'm out of harm's way," she jokes.

"What's this?" Jesse asks, feigning disappointment. "The use of a personal cellular device during work hours?"

"Kiss my ass," Santana snaps.

Jesse laughs. "Only if you suck my D-I-C-K."

"You're not my type."

"Sandy, I'm every girl's type. Well, except for dykes."

Santana tries not to flinch when he tosses out the 'D' word. "Nah, I have a strict no-douchebags rule," she counters. "And you meet all the requirements."

He storms back to his workspace. Santana watches as he opens the bottom drawer of his desk. He's horrified to see his calculator is encased in Jell-O.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: It's a prank that I played on Rachel as well. That's one positive thing about my transfer; I can reuse a lot of my old tricks and jokes. Office supplies in gelatin is by far my favorite.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: I don't like her one bit. I'm going to march my manly designer boots over to the Lima office and figure out why Santana's got a stick up her ass. Or maybe I'll just email Will. Yeah, much easier. That drive to Lima is so drab.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, reception desk – where Brittany is now cutting out laminated 'Berry Bucks')<em>

"I can't believe Rachel's actually making you do that," Quinn comments as she observes Brittany doing meaningless tasks. "She's such a killjoy."

"Believe it or not, I actually volunteered," Brittany replies. "It was the only way she'd let me use scissors. And, as a side project, I printed out this picture of her off Facebook."

Quinn takes a look. "Wow, that's not very attractive. Is she having a seizure?"

"Mid-sneeze, I think," Brittany says with a laugh.

"What are you going to do with it?" Quinn asks.

Brittany shrugs. "I don't have anything planned. I just like to look at it whenever she stresses me out and then I laugh. Not to be rude or anything, but why are you here? You don't usually come up to my desk."

"I miss Sam… and you keep looking over there like suddenly Santana's going to be sitting there."

Brittany smiles guiltily. "Is it that obvious?"

"It's not a secret that you two are close, Brittany," Quinn replies. "But the distance from Sam's desk to mine seems like a thousand miles. I miss ruffling his hair whenever I finish dealing with a difficult customer on the phone. The separation also makes me miss my daughter."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I realized at that moment that Quinn's issues are more – to put it politely – <em>deep-seated<em> than mine so I gave her that picture of Rachel. Plus I found another way to get out my frustrations. I saw this list of old timey insults online and I decided that the next time Rachel tries to boss me around I'm going to call her a slangwhanger.

* * *

><p>QUINN: Maybe I'll tape this picture of Rachel up on my dartboard. It depends on how the rest of today goes.<p>

* * *

><p>LAUREN: You know what my problem is today? Well, besides Rachel… It's predictive text. I sent a text saying, "It's itching more than truck" when it was supposed to say, "It's itching more than usual." That grinds my gears. No pun intended.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, break room)<em>

Jesse taps his foot on the ground, trying to get Santana's attention. "You've made a powerful enemy, Santana Lopez."

Santana rolls her eyes. "Why? Because you're worried I might use the world's supply of hairspray that you've rightfully claimed?"

"My hair is naturally perfect, for your information. Your little prank may have been funny in Lima, but you're in the big office now."

Santana ignores him and continues to eat her snack.

"I called over to the Lima Branch," Jesse says as he leans down to whisper into her ear. "And I know your secret."

"You don't know shit," she replies calmly.

"Maybe not yet, but there's something fishy about you and I'm going to figure out what it is," Jesse proclaims.

He walks out and his statement is enough to make Santana lose her appetite. Her phone buzzes; it's another text from Brittany.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Do I think Brittany liked me? No… Our entire friendship was based on me making her laugh while she procrastinated. I fabricated the whole thing. I misinterpreted every touch as romantic when it was nothing more than platonic. Every time my heart skipped a beat, hers remained constant, stable. She'll never reciprocate these feelings.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, reception desk)<em>

"Harmony, what are you doing here?" Brittany asks as Santana's ex-girlfriend walks through the door.

"I left my jacket at Santana's apartment and Puck said he'd bring it for me," she replies.

Brittany nods awkwardly and is immediately relieved when Puck strides through the front door.

"What up, Hermione?" he asks Harmony.

Harmony purses her lips together. "Puck," she greets tersely.

"What's wrong with you, Brittany? Pussy got your tongue?" he jokes when he sees the unusual glare Brittany givess Harmony. "Anyway," he continues, "here's your jacket, Moaner."

Harmony snatches it away from him and storms out.

"Is everyone in a pissy mood?" Puck asks Brittany, who gives him the stink eye.

"Puck, your shift doesn't end for another thirty minutes!" Rachel admonishes. "Get back down to the warehouse!"

* * *

><p>PUCK: This place ain't the same without Santana. Everyone misses her, especially me. I'm mad she left. Hell, I'm madder than the time she squeezed my mom's tits while drunk. Then when I said it was only fair that I got to touch her mom's rack, she slapped me. Bitch. Maybe I don't miss her as much as I thought I did. That's not true – I need a wingman and there's nobody better than Santana.<p>

* * *

><p>HARMONY: When I came into Dunder Mifflin today, I realized something. Brittany is in love with Santana and if that whole Breadstix fiasco was any indication, Santana feels the same way. Anyway, I'm glad I got my jacket back. When I went to Santana's apartment to console her I pretended to go to the bathroom, but browsed through her closet instead. I figured, "Why not? I'm breaking up with her anyway." I was <em>shocked<em> to find sweaters with headless kangaroos and bloody bunnies on them. There was even one with all of the main characters from _Finding Nemo_ roasting over an open flame on shish kabobs. I have to hand it to Santana, though; she didn't drop a single stitch.

* * *

><p>KURT: I'm a little surprised Rachel made it through the day. I could've sworn someone was going to snap. My money was on Lauren, but Quinn would've been a good bet too.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch – where everyone is getting ready to leave)<em>

"Holly, we're going to grab some drinks at Olive Garden," Jesse says. "You in?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Holly drawls with a lazy smirk.

"You're welcome to join us, Salamanca," Jesse offers.

"Olive Garden blows," Santana tells him.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: You want to know how I know I'm not in Lima anymore? Nobody mentioned raccoons or peanuts or grotesque, obese cats all day… and I kind of maybe missed that.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>AN: Happy Halloween! This is my treat to all of you tricky tricksters out there! Also, I changed _The Lord and His Lady_ so that it is paired under Brittany/Lord Tubbington. And most shocking of all, I got a tumblr, even though I don't know how to use it that well. But it's hufflepuffandpass . tumblr . com, without the spaces, obviously.

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, parking lot)<em>

"Why aren't you wearing your engagement ring?" Artie asks his fiancée.

Brittany brings her hand up to her chest. "I keep it on this necklace. See?"

Artie frowns. "I thought you got it resized. I mean, it's not still cutting off your circulation, is it?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem?" Artie says, annoyed.

She glances at her left hand. "It bothers me while I type. Now I have this callous on my finger and it bugs me to no end."

"Whatever you say, Brittany."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: It's Halloween and I must admit my costume isn't nearly as creative as usual. I've been a little distracted this week. I even tried to open my apartment door with my car key. It's because my dance class has a performance coming up and my body's not in top shape anymore. Artie's been such a huge help. And by that I mean he ignores my whining while he's playing video games instead of giving me foot massages like I ask him to. Oh and in case you're wondering, I'm a peanut allergy.<p>

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Normally Brittany thinks of the best costume ideas for me. One year she decorated my chair as a throne and I was a king. Another time she made these papier-mâché rocks and stuck them all over me along with some flashing lights and I was the <em>Aggro Crag<em>_._ A few years back I was FDR. This year, I'm a pumpkin. _A pumpkin_. Have I mentioned that I miss sex?

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, Jesse is picking his nose, oblivious to the camera's presence)<em>

"Whoa, Prospector. How goes the search for buried gold?" Santana asks smugly.

Jesse whips his head around. "You didn't see anything."

"Yeah, actually I did," she tells him. "You should probably smile since you're on _Candid Camera_."

"I was just scratching my nose," Jesse lies.

"Well, you forgot to scratch that huge booger that's sticking out."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Here at the Dayton Branch, people don't dress up for Halloween. So rather than wearing a costume or my usual work attire, I decided to come in today as a USC fan. Jesse's always bragging about how he went to UCLA, so I figured this would piss him off. I think he was a little too busy with the bats in his cave to notice my sweatshirt, but I can only imagine what his reaction will be when he figures it out.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, Emma's human resource office)<em>

"Emma, did you tell Rachel that she could – oh, hello," Terri greets when she sees Emma is not alone. There's a strange man sitting in one of the chairs.

"Hey, you must be Emma's boss. Pleasure to meet you," the man says.

"Actually I work for corporate. So if anything, I'm technically her boss. I'm responsible for filing all complaints," Emma adds. "Terri, this is –"

"Carl, Emma's husband," Carl introduces.

Emma clears her throat. "Ex-husband. He was dropping off my alimony check because the last one conveniently got lost in the mail. Isn't that right, Carl?"

"But you're so hot. Why would you marry her?" Terri asks.

"I think the better question is why did we ever divorce? I'm still in love with you, Em," Carl declares.

Terri smirks and makes her way out of the office, too preoccupied with this new information to remember why she was there in the first place.

* * *

><p>TERRI: So someone willingly married Emma, huh? I wonder if Will knows about this. Surely he won't want damaged goods. A divorcée isn't exactly the kind of woman dashing men like him go after. I see Will with someone blonder. Or perhaps someone who loves Pottery Barn and wants to move out of her raccoon-infested apartment.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, break room – where Santana is drinking her morning coffee)<em>

"You don't remember me, do you?" Dave whispers as he takes a seat next to Santana.

Santana raises an eyebrow. "Should I?"

"We met at a _bar_."

"Not ringing any bells," Santana replies.

Dave sighs. "It's a _special_ bar for _special_ people."

Suddenly it dawns on her, but she scratches her head, pretending to be oblivious. "Are you a biker too?" she asks.

"No! Look, I know you're a –"

"You know she's a what?" Jesse asks curiously as he joins them.

"A vegetarian," Santana lies, shooting Dave a dirty look. "I don't eat meat. I can't stand the taste or the texture. Hot dogs _especially_ gross me out."

"I love meat," Jesse proclaims.

"So does Dave! Gosh, you strapping young men have a lot in common. I'll leave you two to chat. See ya," Santana says with a wink as she exits the break room.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I like a good double entendre; it's why my favorite song is <em>If You Seek Amy<em>.

* * *

><p>JESSE: Meat is so delicious. I don't understand why she doesn't like it. Eh, that's chicks for you.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Jesse still didn't notice my outfit. Maybe I need to throw random stuff into our conversations like, "Go Trojans." Then again, he'd probably think I was talking about condoms.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch warehouse, where Artie is operating the forklift and Puck's along for the ride)<em>

"How'd you even fit your costume into the driver's seat?" Puck asks.

"I had to jiggle around a little bit. The steering wheel cuts into the pumpkin, but it's not like it's my actual stomach so it's okay," Artie replies.

"Sweet. You going to any parties tonight?"

Artie shrugs. "Nah. I think Brittany had her heart set on handing out candy to all of the little trick-or-treaters. Although I wouldn't mind having an excuse to drink. You?"

"Hitting up the bars with Santana. She's driving back this afternoon. Hey, I bet if you tell Brittany that she'll want to tag along and then we can all get wasted," Puck suggests.

"Sounds better than eating Snickers all night and listening to Brittany complain when no one comes by our apartment," Artie admits.

"It's settled. The four of us are going out on the town! Hell yeah!" Puck yells, pumping his fist in the air.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Santana's going to be so pissed at me. I don't care… I want to see what she and Brittany are like drunk. And before you ask, I'm not doing it for my own perverted purposes. The novelty of watching my best friend making out with another hot babe wore off after about six dozen times. I just want them to get together so damn bad. It's a little scary how emotionally invested I am in their potential relationship, but I can see why chicks like playing matchmaker. This shit's addicting.<p>

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Finally, a night where I can just have fun and relax and I don't have to worry about Brittany putting her nasty feet on me asking for a foot rub. Something has been bothering me, though. When Terri let it slip that Santana liked someone in the office, but those feelings weren't returned, it made me wonder. What if it's <em>me<em>? She's hot, don't get me wrong. I just… love Brittany. And I'm going to marry her.

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch sales floor, where Finn is hanging around Rachel's desk)<em>

"What are you supposed to be?" Finn asks.

Rachel scoffs. "Britney Spears, circa 1999."

"Cool," Finn says enthusiastically. "I'm a banana. The guy at the party store said they didn't sell costumes for giants except for this one. He did suggest I make my own lumberjack costume, but I don't own much plaid."

"You would've made an excellent lumberjack, Finn," Rachel replies coyly.

Finn blushes. "Do you maybe want to be my date to the office Halloween party? I know it's short notice, but being in this banana suit makes me a lot more confident for some reason. So… will you?"

"Sure," Rachel says sweetly. "But you have to promise that if you have a good time you have to ask me out again."

"Deal."

* * *

><p>FINN: I knew Rachel was cool, but everyone doubted me! I think if she showed her kinder, less scary side more often she'd have more friends. Well, I'm going to make like a banana and split.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, break room where Tina is drinking hot tea)<em>

"Mike's costume is the best, Tina. How'd he come up with it?" Kurt asks as he takes a seat next to her.

Tina looks at the ceiling. "He was born that way."

Kurt nods. "Pretty impressive. Pretty impressive indeed."

"You make a good Peter Pan," Tina tells him as she stands to leave. "It's too bad you don't have a Wendy."

"Wendell is more like it," Kurt mutters.

* * *

><p>TINA: I told everyone that Mike's a ninja. No one's been able to find him. It's because he's sick at home.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: I asked Blaine's opinion on which of my three Halloween costumes I should wear and do you know what he said? "Um… your favorite?" I like them all equally, <em>Blaine<em>, but thanks for trying… I guess.

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch where Santana keeps walking past Jesse's desk trying to gain his attention)<em>

Jesse slams his phone down in frustration.

"What's the matter, Jessica? No luck?" Santana taunts.

He glowers at her. "Ever since you started encroaching on my clientele, my sales have decreased."

"I didn't encroach on anything of yours," Santana spits. "I might play dirty, but not if it's going to affect me in the long run and I want to keep this branch afloat. Someone else must be infringing on your territory."

Jesse snorts. "Nice shirt," he replies sarcastically. "I went to UCLA for a semester before I dropped out. So if you wore that to aggravate me, it won't work."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: You win some, you lose some. This time I lost. But you know what they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman who's been deprived of Breadstix." At least I think that's how it goes.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – human resources office)<em>

"Word on the street is that you had you a fancy man visitor," April states as she stumbles into Emma's office. "But now he ain't yours no more!"

"That is correct," Emma replies politely. "No doubt you heard that from Tattletale Terri. You two are worse than teenagers."

"Worse than teenagers at _what_?" April asks worriedly. "Because I always use a pecker poncho and I have years of experience gettin' gobbered."

"I was talking about gossiping! What were you talking about?" Emma says, horrified.

"Sex and alcohol. I thought those were the only things teenagers knew about! That and drugs," April concludes.

* * *

><p>APRIL: I'm going as a spirit for Halloween, but I can't decide if I'm vodka or gin or somethin' else.<p>

* * *

><p>EMMA: I don't have a costume. Other people try those things on in stores. And I don't do online shopping. My neighbor always steals my packages. I'm sure of it, but I don't have any proof. And before you ask, no, April is not my neighbor. If April ever found out where I lived, I'd move to Canada. And if Terri ever found out where I lived, I'd go into the Witness Protection Program.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: Tell the camera who we are, Sam.<br>SAM: I think they can see for themselves. Fine. We're Peter Pan and Wendy.  
>QUINN: We would've won the costume contest except Kurt <em>had<em> to be Peter too.  
>SAM: It's not a big deal. He can be your Peter and I'll go with my original idea… Batman.<br>QUINN: Please, you look nothing like the Man of Steel.  
>SAM: Don't talk to me.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – reception desk)<em>

"Brittany, what are you supposed to be?" Terri demands.

Brittany rolls her eyes. "I'm a peanut allergy. Don't get too close; I poured peanut oil all over myself for authenticity's sake."

Terri takes a step back. "Just text me any incoming messages. Will's coming for our Halloween party at the end of the day. He's judging our costume contest. I hate to say that I have an advantage, but he's a little bit smitten with me so don't be surprised when I win."

"Terri, wait!" Brittany calls. "There's a Berry Buck stuck to your foot."

Terri glances at her shoe. "Why does this always happen to me?"

* * *

><p>TERRI: What in God's green earth is a Berry Buck? Oh you mean that's from when I was stalking – I mean visiting – Will? All right then. For your information, I did discover something about Will… he subscribes to dirty magazines. Tons of them.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mercedes approaches Sam's desk)<em>

"All right, Newbie, time for your first sales pitch. Get your stuff and let's go," she tells him.

"What?" Sam asks, skeptical. "I can't go! I'm dressed as Peter Pan!"

"Why do you think I didn't wear a costume today?" Mercedes snaps. "Besides, I told Quinn yesterday to tell you. Not my fault."

"But –"

"Not. My. Fault."

* * *

><p>QUINN: He checked out Rachel's butt a few weeks ago. This is totally justified.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – accounting apartment where Finn is napping at his desk and Kurt is filing his nails)<em>

"Hey Lauren, do you happen to have Form 941?" Brittany asks, seeing that the other two accountants are preoccupied.

Lauren grunts. "Of course. It's a good thing that I'm organized; otherwise this branch would be utter chaos."

At that moment, Finn wakes up from his nap. "Don't eat me, Donkey Kong!"

"Well, even more chaos than usual," Lauren adds. "This place wouldn't function without me. What is it that you contribute to this office, Brittany? I forget because I'm too busy doing my job to notice."

* * *

><p>LAUREN: I bet you thought I was going to be a vampire. You're wrong. I'm a vampire queen. I added a crown to my vampire outfit.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I've wanted to be a dancer ever since I was a little girl. I never dreamed I'd become a receptionist instead. What Lauren said really got to me so I printed up a ton of fliers for my upcoming recital and I'm going to post them all over town. Then I'm going to start auditioning. I can't work here forever. I just can't.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – reception desk)<em>

"Trick or treat," Artie says as he rolls through the door.

"Hey Artie," Brittany says as she looks up from her computer.

"Nuh uh. I'm the Great Pumpkin. I don't know this 'Artie' that you speak of," he jokes, hoping to catch her in a good mood.

Lucky for him, she laughs. "What do you want, oh Great Pumpkin?"

"Will you do me the honor of escorting me on a Halloween date tonight?" he asks.

She thinks for a moment. "But… what about the kids? How will they get their candy?"

"We'll put a bowl outside the door," he assures her. "C'mon, there aren't even that many children that live in our apartment complex. And what if I told you it was a double date?"

"With who?" Brittany asks.

"Puck and – drumroll please –"

"Sugar?" Brittany guesses.

"What do you need sugar for? Anyway, it's Santana!" Artie announces.

"Santana?" Brittany echoes quietly.

"What's the matter, Britt? I thought you'd be excited to see your best friend."

"I am! I'm surprised is all. I'm one hundred percent certain she and Puck aren't together though."

"For whatever reason, they're both coming out with us tonight. We've got a table for four at Totsy Turvy."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: You're going to think I'm a terrible person, but I haven't told Artie that Santana's a lesbian. For one thing, it's not my secret to tell. For another, I like keeping her secret. It makes me feel close to her and she's not a girl who lets just anybody in, you know? I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I'm worried she hates Dayton, mostly because they don't have a Breadstix and the one in Lima doesn't deliver out that far.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – Mercedes and Sam return from their sales pitch)<em>

"Could've been worse," Mercedes says, in her best attempt to console him.

"They laughed at me!" Sam shouts.

Mercedes lets out a chuckle. "Of course they did! You look like the product of Legolas and Robin Hood's one night stand. Although your lips must be a recessive gene."

"You know what?" Sam snaps. "I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you always harassing me for stuff that isn't my fault. I'm tired of Quinn clinging to me tighter than these tights. And I'm tired of everyone around here treating me like I'm a kid!"

"You act like a kid, that's why!" Mercedes bites back. "You let your promotion go to your head. You think that just because you have a fancy degree that will help you sell paper, but I've overheard your calls before. You can't expect people to want to buy from someone speaking navy!"

"It's _Na'vi_."

"Huh?"

Sam sighs. "Na'vi. That's the language of the indigenous species from Avatar."

Mercedes puts her hand on Sam's shoulder comfortingly. "I'm still willing to teach you if you're willing to learn. As for your problems with Quinn, I can't help you with that. I don't think even Dr. Phil can help you with that."

* * *

><p>SAM: Forget Peter Pan and Quinn. I've got a Nerf sword in my car and with this beautiful blonde hair of mine, I declare myself Link, rescuer of Zelda! God, I hope no one saw me do this interview. I look like such a nerd.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch conference room, where the Halloween party has just begun)<em>

"Sam, what are you doing? Your Peter Pan costume looks different," Quinn complains.

"No! I've had enough. Kurt can be your Peter. If you don't mind, I'm going to find the Ocarina of Time. I'll talk to you when you stop trying to control my life," he replies.

Quinn storms off in search of Kurt who's purposely avoiding her.

"Wow," Tina says to Lauren after the two watch Sam and Quinn's exchange. "I'm glad Mike and I don't have a toxic relationship like _that_."

"Speaking of you two lovebirds," Lauren replies, "you still owe me. And I'm like Miss Trunchbull. I'll put you in the Chokey if you don't pay up soon."

_(The camera pans over to Brittany and Artie, who are arguing outside the conference room)_

"Why do you want to invite everyone to this routine?" Artie asks.

"_Recital_," Brittany corrects. "And why is it a big deal? I want my friends and coworkers and maybe even Terri see me do something that I love. I want to prove I'm more than just the copy girl."

Artie throws his hands up in frustration. "First you're up then you're down. You want a ring, but then you refuse to wear it. Sometimes it's like I don't even know you anymore!"

* * *

><p>PUCK: Trouble in Artie paradise is good news for Tana and it increases the likelihood that Brittany will do something drastic tonight… like rip all of Santana's clothes off.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch Halloween Party, where Will has just arrived)<em>

"Will! About time you showed up. I was beginning to think you were avoiding me," Terri says as she ushers him inside.

"Yeah, sorry. I guess I was having a hard time replying to the thirty-two voicemails and seventeen text messages you sent me," he responds.

Terri looks away guiltily. "Anyway," she says, changing the subject. "Do you like my raccoon costume?"

"Sure," Will states.

"Enough for me to win the costume contest?" she prods.

Will gulps. "I haven't exactly seen everyone's costumes yet."

"What about you, then? Who are you supposed to be?" Terri asks.

"I'm Link," Will replies.

"No way! I'm Link! I called it first," Sam interjects.

Will shakes his head. "Link Larkin from _Hairspray_, Sam. No worries. Only you can pull off _that_ Link."

_(The party continues while the camera zooms in on Quinn and Kurt)_

Quinn says, "Looks like you're my new man."

"Oh Quinn, that will only happen if you actually find Neverland. It's the second star to the right," Kurt replies. "Good luck and don't get eaten by a crocodile. Or drowned by mermaids."

"Wendy, I've solved all your problems. The name's Rufio," Puck, who just walked up, tells Quinn.

Quinn laughs. "Rufio and Wendy never met."

"Yeah, but imagine what would happen if they did," Puck says with a cheesy grin.

* * *

><p>QUINN: I already had a baby with Puck once. I'm not looking to go through that again, even if he does look really sexy with red streaks in his mohawk.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima, where the party is winding down and the clock reads 4:55 PM. No one notices Mercedes dip out early)<em>

"Everyone gather around. It's time to declare the winner of the costume contest!" Will announces. "In third place we have Ninja Mike! Has anyone seen him? Anyway, in second place we have – wait for it – Sam Evans as the Hero of Hyrule, _Link_!"

"This is it," Terri tells herself. "The moment I've been waiting for."

"It's gonna be me," Kurt and Quinn say at the same time.

"Boo!" April yells in Rachel's face, causing her to spill her drink.

"Oh my God, that punch is soaking through her shirt. Rachel's got nice boobs," Finn says, not realizing he's speaking aloud.

"Please let Lauren win. Maybe she'll be so happy that she'll forget I owe her money," Tina says while crossing her fingers.

"Rufio, Rufio, Rufio, Rufioooooo," Puck begins to chant, then stops when no one joins in. April, on the other hand, is mesmerized by the sound of his voice.

Will watches, amused. "I think I've kept you in suspense long enough," he tells the crowd. "The winner is… Emma as Daphne from Scooby Doo!"

"She's not even wearing a costume!" Quinn complains.

* * *

><p>EMMA: Who would've thought wearing a purple dress and being a ginger would ever come in handy? Not me.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Totsy Turvy Bar &amp; Grill, later that evening)<em>

"This place is awesome!" Puck gushes as he, Santana, Brittany and Artie enter Lima's newest eatery.

"Yeah, Mercedes recommended it to me. Her husband Shane owns it," Santana replies. "I missed the grand opening because that was the same weekend I moved."

"How do you like your new apartment?" Brittany, who's avoided Artie since their argument, asks her.

"Well, it's not as cozy as my – Candace?" Santana says to a blonde who walks by their table.

"Oh my God, Santana! It's been too long," Candace replies.

Puck nudges Santana in the ribs. She ignores him and says, "Yeah, since my freshman year of college. What are you up to these days?"

"I'm a widow. I know; sad, right? My husband passed away before his time at the tender age of eighty-four. He left me a ton of money, although I swear I didn't know he was rich when I married him. His kids don't really like me for some reason. Maybe it's because they're older than me."

Artie chuckles, but stops when Brittany turns to look at him.

"Anyway," Candace continues, "I'll let you get back to your friends, but if you want to do body shots like in the old days, come find me!"

"I have to go to the restroom," Brittany declares. "Santana, aren't you coming with me?"

* * *

><p>PUCK: Remember when I said Santana banged a lot of chicks in college? That girl was like a seventh year senior when Lesbopez came along. If I remember correctly, this is how Santana described her: Dumb but hot. True story.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Totsy Turvy – ladies room)<em>

"Can they follow us into the bathroom?" Brittany asks Santana while gesturing to the cameras.

Santana shrugs. "So why'd you need me to go with you? I don't have to pee and whenever a girl pulls me into a bathroom, it's not usually to talk."

"What's with that girl? Candy?" Brittany demands.

"_Candace_ never meant diddly to me. Besides, why do you care?" Santana asks casually as she leans up against the sink.

"I'm your best girl friend! I mean, your best friend that's a girl. I just thought if maybe she was someone you were seeing, you'd tell me."

"Here's a status update for you," Santana replies, slightly annoyed. "I'm not trying to hook up with anyone tonight. So can we please go back out there and have fun with our respective fiancés and beards?"

"Fine," Brittany says as she steps aside so Santana can lead the way.

_(Puck and Artie play darts as they wait for Brittany and Santana)_

"Why do you think girls take so long to pee?" Puck asks as he shoots his last dart. "It's not like sitting on a toilet takes that much longer, right?"

"It does if they're pooping," Artie replies.

Puck grins. "Simultaneously?"

"Gross! Never mind. I think I'd rather believe my future wife doesn't poop."

Puck laughs and the boys head back over to their table, where the girls now are.

"Excuse me, are you Santana Lopez? This drink is for you," a waitress, whose nametag reads Suzy, says. "It's from your secret admirer."

Santana eagerly accepts the drink, but misses the hurt look Brittany gives her.

"You may not be trying to hook up with anyone, but someone's trying to hook up with you," Brittany murmurs.

Puck pats the waitress on the shoulder. "How about a round of shots? Put it on the Dystra tab," he whispers.

Suzy nods. "You got it."

* * *

><p>PUCK: Everything's going according to plan. When Brittany sees all the swag Santana's getting from Candace – who was more than happy to do this favor for me – she'll explode with rage. Then with any luck she'll finally give my girl Santana the chance she deserves.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Totsy Turvy – one hour later)<em>

"Miss Lopez, your drink."

"Thanks, Suze," Santana responds, albeit a little more slowly each time Suzy brings her a new drink.

"Can I get you anything else?" Suzy asks.

"Please bring Brittany a –"

"Santana, no!" Brittany interrupts. "I can't drink much more. I tried texting my mom and I added z's to every word. That's how I know I'm drunk."

"Actually I was going to order you some food. I think I heard your stomach growl like two seconds ago. Suzy, will you get us a plate of cheesy tots?" Santana asks nicely.

"Tater tots look like fried deer poop," Brittany says with a giggle. "But I do love them when I'm hammered."

Santana gives her a crooked grin. "I know."

"How? How does you know?" Brittany slurs.

Santana thinks back fondly before replying. "The office Christmas party two years ago. You had too much eggnog and practically fought Mercedes for the last one, despite you yelling, 'Stop the violence! And gimme that tot!' It was kind of cute, actually."

"Really?" Brittany asks hopefully. "Artie said he'd never been more embarrassed in his life."

Santana snorts. "He must not know a good death match when he sees one."

Brittany, who hadn't heard Santana because of all of the noise in the restaurant, leaned in closer so that their faces were almost touching. "Huh? Repeat that."

"Were you two about to kiss?" Artie asks as he and Puck return from another game of darts.

Santana frowns; she had no intention of kissing Brittany at that moment. But she doesn't miss Brittany's look of disappointment when Santana shakes her head no.

"Relax, I was only kidding," Artie says.

* * *

><p>ARTIE: What if I get to have a threesome? Santana likes me, Brittany loves me and Santana and Brittany are friends. If Brittany weren't still mad at me, there wouldn't be any flaws in that logic. How many times will this opportunity arise?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Last call at Totsy Turvy and Candace approaches the group, minus Artie, who's in the restroom)<em>

"Hope you don't mind I kept sending drinks over your way, Santana. It was really good to see an old friend," Candace says.

"Thanks," Santana slurs. "I'd give you my number, but I don't live around here anymore so…"

Candace pats Santana on the head. "Sorry honey that was just a phase. College, you know? Although I do have one more surprise for you. Since none of your friends are able to drive, how about you take my limo instead? I can catch a ride back with one of my gal pals. Tell Ken where to go and he'll take you. It's like, awesome."

Santana hugs her, grabs Brittany's hand and takes off toward the parking lot.

"Thanks again, Candace," Puck says as he moves to go.

"Not so fast. You're cleaning my hot tub next weekend. Leaves keep falling in there and I don't know why," she tells him.

"That's what you have a cover for," he tells her. When she pouts he adds, "Fine, but only if you get in it with me when I'm done."

Artie rolls up at that precise moment. "What was that all about?" he asks.

"Oh nothing," Puck replies. "Artie, dude, I'm so wired from that last _Jägerbomb__._ How about you come back to my house and we'll have an all-night Halo marathon. That way the girls can stay at your place and catch up."

Artie mulls it over. "I don't know, Puck."

"My mom will make you all the waffles you can eat. Besides, I'm sure Brittany could use some girl talk. Has she chosen any bridesmaids or anything for the wedding? Centerpieces? Colors? Locations?" Puck asks.

Artie cringes. "Fine!"

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Whisky makes me frisky. And that's pretty much all I drank tonight. I think the universe owes this wheelchair-bound, bespectacled nerd a ménage a trois. I hope Santana's sticking around an extra night.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany and Artie's apartment, where the girls are struggling to find the right key)<em>

"Open Sesame."

"Does that work for you sober?" Santana jokes.

"When I tried my car door opener, it wouldn't work," Brittany replies seriously. "So I didn't know what else to do. Sue me… I'm drunk."

"You think this might be it?" Santana says as she holds a key up to her lit phone.

"Yes!" Brittany exclaims. She unlocks the door and leads Santana inside. "Lord Tubbington's probably asleep on top of the fridge so if you need anything out of there, don't be surprised if he lands on your face. That's his way of saying hello."

"I'll remember that," Santana says as she stumbles around the cramped apartment. She hits her shin on the couch right before Brittany turns on a light. "Those cheesy tots seem like forever ago. Do you have anything to eat?"

"Sure," Brittany replies as she rummages around in the pantry. "Your options are cereal, ramen and something Artie tells me is healthy but tastes like Styrofoam."

"Um… cereal?" Santana says as she takes a seat at the kitchen table. Brittany joins her moments later with two bowls and spoons.

"Hope you don't want milk 'cause LT will definitely wake up if that's the case," Brittany says as Santana munches on her dry Lucky Charms.

"I wouldn't mind," Santana says. "I actually like cats."

"This isn't your lame attempt at a pussy joke, is it?" Brittany teases.

Santana feigns disgust. "I can't believe you'd accuse me of such a thing! My jokes are clever and I never resort to such obscenities."

"Bullshit," Brittany says through her giggles. "By the way, what was going through your head when Artie asked if we were going to kiss?"

This last statement catches Santana off-guard and she takes a moment to recover before responding. "I certainly would've enjoyed it," she says slowly.

"What if I said I wanted to kiss you now?" Brittany asks boldly. She's not sure if it's the alcohol or her fight with Artie or the fact that it's Santana, but she knows without a doubt that in this moment, this is what she wants.

_(The camera, which indicates the battery is running out, fades to black as Brittany and Santana inch closer to each other)_


	7. Chapter 7

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office.<br>A/N: Wow, thanks for over 100 reviews! You're either going to love me or hate me after you read this chapter. Also, feel free to check out my tumblr at **hufflepuffandpass . tumblr . com**

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Yeah, we kissed. I haven't spoken to her since. That was a few weeks ago and now it's almost time for Thanksgiving. I'm going to Puck's for lunch and my parents' place for dinner. Luckily I have Friday off, too. What will I do with my four-day weekend? Good question. I received this in the mail. It's a ticket to her recital. There's no return address.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton Branch, where Santana and Dave are gossiping at the water cooler)<em>

Dave, who has quickly become Santana's best friend in Dayton, says, "Did you hear that guy in accounting singed off his eyebrows by accident? I haven't seen him, but I've always thought he looked like Draco Malfoy's gay cousin, Gayco Malfoy."

Santana laughs. "I can see that. He sure is a sprightly little creature, isn't he? Reminds me a bit of a guy I used to work with in Lima. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be so _gay_."

"I saw that picture of you in overalls. You have no room to talk, missy," Dave teases. "But I like hearing about the people you worked with in Lima. Your stories about Brittany are the best."

Santana's smile quickly turns into a frown when she remembers the kiss. She changes the subject. "This guy at my old branch is so tall that he totally hits his head on the ceiling every time he stands up. When he does, plaster falls on his shoulders and it looks like he has dandruff. One year I got him Head & Shoulders as his Secret Santa gift."

Dave laughs and pulls out his phone. "Oh, this just in. Rumor has it that the Mack is back."

Santana gives him a skeptical look. "Unlike the McRib, I'm fairly certain the Big Mac never left."

"That was stupid of me. I forgot you're still a noob around here," Dave teases. "The Mack's a legend around this place. She came back from a two hundred ream deficit to beat Jesse in quarterly sales once. When I asked her how she did it said she sold them on fear alone. She took a sabbatical for some reason and now I guess she's returned."

"I know who you're talking about now. She beat me in the potato sack race at last year's company picnic… that bitch," Santana says and as afterthought adds, "Not that I was trying."

"Normally people compliment my skills in the sack." Dave and Santana turn around to see a woman staring right back at them. She looks a bit like a slutty version of Rachel. "This isn't exactly the warm welcome I was expecting, Davey," she continues.

"Good to see ya, Mack," he says with a grin.

"It's The Mack," she replies.

"Oh please," Santana mutters. "That's the lamest thing I've heard in my life and I once listened to Rachel Berry get into a one-sided argument with a mime."

The Mack returns turns her attention to Santana. "And you are?"

Santana opens her mouth to speak, but is cut off by Jesse, who happens to be passing by. "Santana Lopez. Formerly of Lima Heights Adjacent. She has terrible taste in men considering she's turned me down every time I've asked her out. She's a vegetarian with a fetish for putting office supplies in gelatin. She no longer answers her phone because she'd rather sell in person due to her Twin Peaks. They're basically the only likeable thing about her."

Dave looks over to Santana, expecting her to blow up at Jesse. "What he said," she agrees, much to Dave's surprise.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: What? It's true. Even if I were straight, I still wouldn't date Jesse. And my breasts are typically the first thing guys notice about me. Too bad for them the first thing I notice about a guy is his girlfriend. Or his sister. Or his mom.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera shows the parking lot at the Lima Branch. Kurt, sitting low in the driver's seat of his car, wistfully waits for Terri to head inside the building before getting out)<em>

Sam pulls into the spot next to Kurt and they both step out of their cars at the same time. "Good morning," Sam says.

"Same to you. Oh, I like your haircut. Who's your stylist?" Kurt asks.

Sam scratches his head. "I dunno. This was like, ten dollars at Great Clips."

Kurt gasps. "Those places still exist?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't they?" Sam asks, confused.

"No reason," Kurt replies, but then adds under his breath, "The only good thing about barbershops is their quartets."

"So do you cut your own hair then?"

"I prefer salons."

* * *

><p>KURT: Today is the day I come out of the closet at work. Why today? Heck if I know, but if Finn offers to let his mom set me up on a blind date with one of her friends' daughters one more time, I'm going to snap. So I may as well let the cat out of the bag. I decided to start slow. Mercedes knows, obviously, so I'm going to tell Emma in HR. I highly doubt anyone else, least of all Finn, suspects anything. I'm kidding! Except about Finn. He thought Blaine and I were like brothers.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: I took Mercedes' advice and cut my hair. Quinn hasn't seen it yet so I can only imagine what her reaction will be. It will probably involve stabbing me or making me wear a wig. Or both.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, where everyone is gathered around Terri)<em>

"Mercedes, what's our goal for today?" Terri asks.

Mercedes rolls her eyes. "Sell paper."

"And…?"

"Sell _more_ paper."

Terri frowns. "Rachel? Care to guess?"

Rachel, who doesn't understand why she wasn't called on first, says, "Our goal is to impress Will with how much we've sold by the time he gets here."

"If this is a meeting about sales, then why do we have to be here?" Lauren asks irritably. Kurt and Finn nod in agreement.

"_Because_," Terri asserts, "we want to show Will that we're all busy little bees. Everyone needs to do their part. You three in accounting need to go over expense reports. Quinn, keep answering the phones like you've been doing. Mike and April, I don't remember what the hell it is you do, but keep on keepin' on. Emma, just lock yourself in your office all day and don't come out. Even Santana is contributing, whether you know it or not."

"What do you mean, Santana is contributing?" Rachel asks, feeling threatened by the mention of her former rival.

"Clearly I forgot to mention this, but she is a double agent. She's sabotaging that pathetic excuse for a branch as we speak. She sent me a telegram that says, 'Dayton is losing steam. STOP. I'm doing everything in my power to kill their momentum. STOP. Holly is currently watching _Animal Hoarders_. STOP. Speaking of which, how is the raccoon? STOP. Miss you all. STOP. Santana. STOP.'"

"You didn't actually have to say the stops," Emma points out, but is ignored.

Brittany's heart flutters slightly when Terri gets to the part about her missing everyone, but she's not sure why. "Terri, I seriously doubt Santana's _actually_ setting them up for failure," she reasons. Rachel nods her head emphatically, along with several other Dunder Mifflin employees.

"I am ashamed of you guys! When did you all lose faith in Santana?" Terri scolds.

"The day I met her," Rachel retorts.

"When she told me that _Paper Planes_ was Dunder Mifflin's official theme song and that I had to memorize it otherwise I'd lose my job to a monkey," Finn answers.

Mercedes laughs. "When she spent an entire day drawing caricatures of Rachel dressed as a clown hooker."

"It's not that I don't have faith in Santana," Emma begins, "it's just that I can't imagine she'd move to Dayton for the sole purpose of–"

Terri cuts her off. "No one asked you, Emma! Everyone get back to work."

As the crowd disperses and Brittany makes her way back to the reception desk, she whispers, "I never lost faith in her."

* * *

><p>TERRI: I wrote a book. Well, I'm in the process of writing it. It's called <em>Terri Potter and the Sorcerer's Stoned<em>. The protagonist, Terri Potter, has to face an evil copper monster named Lord Emmamort. She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named smokes a lot of pot so Terri easily defeats her. Doing drugs is bad, which is the moral of the story; to teach kids to stay away from weed. Unless someone offers, because then it's rude to decline.

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I don't give a damn that Will's coming in today. He's always coming in. I ain't going to work no damn harder than I usually do. Totsy Turvy is doing well so financially Shane and I are just fine. If the branch closes, the branch closes. Won't be the end of my world. Then again, if it does shut down, I'll have to hear all about it from Rachel. I may as well go ahead and change my phone number.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'm disappointed I haven't heard from Santana, but at the same time I'm too scared to call. I know what I – <em>we<em> – did was wrong, but I can't get her out of my head. After we kissed, I asked her if she wanted to come to my recital. She said she would. I didn't have any tickets with me so I told her I'd send her one in the mail. I repeated her address over and over again in my head like Dory in _Finding Nemo_ until I had it memorized. Then I woke up on my couch to Lord Tubbington licking my nose and no sign of the girl that slept there with me.

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – the camera pans to Quinn's desk)<em>

"Quinn?" Sam says hesitantly. She didn't say anything about his new haircut earlier and it's puzzling him. She also hasn't been by his desk this morning.

Quinn turns around in her chair. "Oh, hi," she says unenthusiastically.

Sam runs his fingers through his hair hoping she'll figure it out. "You look pretty."

"Did you need something?" Quinn asks, uninterested.

"Just wondering if I could buy you lunch," Sam offers.

Quinn looks away guiltily. "No thanks, I already have plans."

* * *

><p>SAM: She hates it. She hates it so much that she hates me now, too. I knew I shouldn't have listened to Mercedes.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: Sam cut his hair? <em>Oh<em>. I didn't notice. Anyway, I'm meeting Puck for lunch. We have history together and I want to know if we still have that spark after all these years. Or maybe I just want his trouser snake. I've been really horny lately. I wonder if it's because Sam stopped trying to get into my pants. What am I saying? Of course that's what it is. He quit putting in effort. What a shame, too, because he was about a month away from touching my breast. Under the shirt, but over the bra.

* * *

><p><em>(The camera follows Kurt inside Emma's office, where she is scrubbing her Dundies with a wipe. One of the awards reads, "Least Attractive Hair Color" and the other simply, "I Hate You.")<em>

"Emma?"

"Kurt! What can I do for you?" Emma says kindly.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," he says nervously. "But maybe we should shut the door…"

All of a sudden, Terri walks in. "Didn't I tell you to lock yourself inside here?" she snaps.

Emma looks at Kurt. "We're trying to have a private conversation, if you don't mind."

"Then why didn't you close the door?" Terri says. "Anyone could've overheard you. Also, check to make sure you're not on speakerphone by accident. It happens more often than you'd think."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "Maybe I should come back later," he says.

"No!" Terri says desperately. "Whatever it is, you can tell me too. Secrets, secrets are no fun unless you tell… me."

"That's not how the phrase goes," Emma comments.

"I want to know, Kurt," Terri says, before adding, "I really care about all of my employees." She spares a glance at Emma. "Well, ninety-nine percent of them."

"Fine," Kurt relents. He's used to coming out to friends and family, but work is another story. "I'm gay."

"God, why does everyone feel the need to come out to me?" Terri says before she realizes it. Thankfully neither Kurt nor Emma heard her.

"Thank you for telling us, Kurt," Emma says. "I understand that it's a delicate issue in the workplace."

Terri snorts. "How would you know? Are you gay, too?"

"No, I actually paid attention at sensitivity training," Emma says curtly. "Anyway, Kurt, you can always come and talk to me. Have you told anyone else?"

Terri smiles at the camera. "No! Because he wanted to tell his boss-slash-BFF first."

"Mercedes knows. It's not exactly the world's best-kept secret."

"Of course not," Terri replies. "That would be KFC's original recipe. Go back to cleaning, Desperate Housewife! Kurt and I have a lot to discuss now that I am a friend of multiple gays."

Emma sighs and picks up her Dundies once more.

* * *

><p>EMMA: I found this chat room for people with OCD. I got into a very heated discussion about whether Clorox or Lysol is better. I don't mean to brag, but my adversaries didn't stand a chance; I wiped the floor with them. Clorox forever, internet trolls!<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: When I was a freshman in college I wanted to study fashion. Then I took a basic accounting class because I really needed to learn how to budget my money for clothes. I changed my major. Then I graduated, applied for a job here and got it. The end.<br>TERRI: That was hilarious! You're so funny, Kurt.  
>KURT: That was a terrible story. Look, I know every girl dreams of having a gay best friend to go shopping with and be generally catty together, but that's not going to happen here. Why don't you go call your other gay acquaintance and talk to him or her about whatever the hell's on your mind.<br>TERRI: But Santana…  
>KURT: Santana! She's your other gay person? I thought you were mad at her for not sabotaging Dayton. Talk about that. I'm going back to my desk.<br>TERRI: Kurt! Don't leave me!

* * *

><p><em>(Holly Holiday, manager of the Dayton Branch, peeks her head outside of her office. She sees Santana and Mack deep in conversation and decides not to bother them)<em>

"Wait, you were a cheerleader in high school?" Mack says, amused.

"Are you kidding? I was _the_ cheerleader; the captain; the top dog," Santana brags.

Mack nudges Santana playfully. "I hated the cheerleaders at my school. Mostly I avoided them and beat up the losers."

"Oh," Santana says; her voice an octave higher than before. "I had a history of violence too, so I spent a lot of time in the principal's office. I, uh, I gotta go. Sorry."

* * *

><p>MACK: Coming on too strong is the only way I know how to come on to someone, which works fine if I'm at a frat party or a Bangles concert. I'm starting to think I need a different approach.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Normally I'm too proud a person to admit when I don't understand something, but fuck it. I'm confused. She's no Brittany, but she's funny and cute and we have a lot in common. It feels like a set up… with Jesse as the mastermind.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Breadstix, where Puck and Quinn are eating lunch)<em>

"Thanks for taking me here, Puck. It brings back a lot of memories," Quinn says as Puck scarfs down his food.

"No problem," he says through a mouthful of pasta. "So how are things going with Sam?"

Quinn gives a noncommittal shrug. "Okay, I guess. Are you still seeing that girl? What was her name…? Splenda McSweet-n-low?"

"_Sugar_," Puck corrects, "is just a booty call. And booty calls are like milk. Once they reach their expiration date, you gotta toss 'em out. Otherwise you're left with a disgusting, sometimes chunky mess and the longer you wait to get rid of it, the nastier it gets."

"Her daddy found you two cuddling in bed, didn't he?"

"I _do not_ cuddle," Puck protests. "He found us while we were going at it. Trust me, it's the excuse I've needed to dump her, although none of my previous experiences prepared me for the shotgun he keeps around for situations such as those."

"Puck!" Quinn admonishes. "She's out of high school, isn't she?"

Puck grins. "Barely."

"Now I remember why things didn't work between us. You're a sleaze," Quinn says.

"A tiger never changes its stripes," Puck reminds her. "Look, I forgot my wallet so unless you want to pay we're going to have to dine and dash. Just like the old times."

* * *

><p>QUINN: Remember those memories I said this brought back? Well, all of those memories are terrible. I'm going to find Sam when we get back and let him apologize.<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? <em>About four or five drinks<em>. The first time I heard that, I howled with laughter. It doesn't really have anything to do with Quinn; I've just been dying to tell that joke.

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton, where Santana's cell phone is ringing. She glances around and heads into the bathroom to take the call)<em>

"_I have a bone to pick with you."_

"Whoa, okay, this is not Puck's phone number despite what he may have told you," Santana says. "And if this is about a paternity test, I always tell him to wrap his tool. Whether he listens is a different thing. I _think_ he does because as far as I know he only has one bastard child."

"_No, Santana Maria Lopez, I'm talking to you."_

Santana pales as she recognizes the voice on the other end of the line. "Terri, is that you? For one thing, my middle name's not Maria. I don't know why everyone assumes that it is. Second of all, why are you calling me?"

"_You see, Santana, I got your lovely little telegram and accepted all the charges for it only to find out that you're not _actually_ spying on Dayton. So I feel a little deceived."_

"You don't understand," Santana disputes. "You never would have willingly signed that transfer form. So I lied… I'm sorry. I couldn't be around You-Know-Who anymore without it completely breaking my heart."

"_Voldemort?"_

"No - Brittany."

"_Well, did something happen?"_

"Kind of."

"_If you tell me about it I'll forgive you for betraying me and we can be best friends again."_

Santana rolls her eyes. "We kissed."

"_And?"_

"And we were both drunk. Nothing else to tell. Game over."

"_No! That's just the beginning. Their engagement is like the freakin' _NeverEnding Story!_ The wedding hasn't happened yet because it isn't meant to be."_

"I really can't talk to you about this. You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"_Whatever. At least I was brave enough to admit to Will that I love him. You're just a coward."_

"You were in a peanut-induced shock. You had no control over what came out of your mouth," Santana argues.

"_But he knows."_

"I have to go, Terri. I've been in this bathroom so long they'll think I'm giving birth or something." As Santana wraps up her conversation and heads outside, a figure pops out of one of the stalls.

* * *

><p>HOLLY: I went to an all-women's college. I know a lesbian when I see one. What am I going to do with this information? It's not what I'm <em>going<em> to do; it's what I've already _done_. I can't have Santana defecting back to Lima. Anyway, back to watching _Animal Hoarders_ on my computer.

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch's warehouse, where all of the dock workers except Artie are playing basketball)<em>

"Why so glum, sugarplum?" April asks as she takes a seat next to Artie.

"Lady troubles," Artie replies sadly. "What are you doing down here in the warehouse? I thought you were banned after you left that bottle of NyQuil lying around and inadvertently caused Henri to chop his thumbs off."

April looks away guiltily. "I figured since I'm the Quality Assurance Rep that I should make sure this is quality paper we're providing. Gimme that." April takes a stack of paper and rips a sheet in half. "See? Terrible quality."

"It's supposed to do that," Artie deadpans. "It's not indestructible."

"Then we need to get somebody on that pronto! I've had some traumatizing experiences involving fire and paper is as flammable as they come."

"No shit," Artie mutters under his breath.

"Wait, didn't you say something about trouble with your woman? 'Cause you came to the right person."

"You approached _me_."

"Eh, minor detail. But if you want my help, I have tons of experience. I was a relationship counselor for a reality show called _A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila_. If I remember correctly it was about a woman who, despite being riddled with sexually transmitted diseases, fell in love with a bottle of Patrón. And that bottle loved her right back. I just was there to make sure things didn't get too kinky. Or at least that's what I put on my _résumé."_

"So I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what should I do?" Artie asks.

"Take her to pound town," April says with a wink.

Artie squints. "Is that a restaurant?"

April chuckles loudly. "No… Grab a handful of rib cushions! Slam her clam and she'll gobble your goop. Take your miracle meat and put it in the mouth that can't bite. Y'know, park your yacht in her harbor."

Artie's eyes widen as he realizes what she's referring to. "Wait… you're saying that sex will fix our problems? Just like that?"

"They don't call itThe Disappearing Cane Trick for nothing; it works like magic!" April gloats.

* * *

><p>ARTIE: I just got advice from the world's worst advice giver. I know listening to April is a bad idea, but as I've mentioned a lot lately, I miss sex. I didn't even get any when I gave Brittany her ring! She was too distraught about Santana leaving. "Ask and you shall receive." What a load of bull.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: The real reason I'm down here? To drink. You see, all that mumbo jumbo about me eating stinky foods is just to throw people off. I'm not really <em>that<em> strange! Although those nice cult people sure did take a liking to me. Anyway, the onions mask the booze smell… or maybe the combination of the two is why no one gets too close.

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch sales floor, where Rachel hasn't moved all day)<em>

"Rachel, I know you have to pee," Mercedes says. "You usually go every hour on the hour and your ass hasn't moved. You didn't even take a lunch."

"We have to outsell DuMi DayBra, Mercedes, and since I'm the only one who actually does any work around here, it's entirely up to me," Rachel snaps.

"What if I told you that we got this in the bag?" Mercedes says.

Rachel scoffs. "Impossible. There's no way to know for certain."

"Nuh uh," Mercedes lies. "I heard from Finn that we're way ahead."

Rachel perks up a tiny bit. "Finn?"

"Yeah. Finn the _accountant_," Mercedes says, not bothering to mention Finn is terrible at his job. "So take a breather. Pee. Eat something."

"Okay," Rachel says as she stands up and makes her way to the break room.

"Thanks for giving her a false sense of security," Sam says.

Mercedes glares at him. "You know she only bought that so she wouldn't feel guilty for taking fifteen minutes out of her workday to use the restroom and munch on some tofu or whatever the hell it is she eats. At least I was able to talk her off the ledge."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I often fantasize about things that are beyond my control. Picture this: a tornado tears a hole right through Dunder Mifflin. Knowing my coworkers, they'd immediately assume the world had ended and partake in what I can only describe as <em>Lord of the Flies: Lima Style<em>. They'd murder each other over the last moon pie in the vending machine. Barbarians. I, however, would check to see if the phone lines were still working. Not to call 911; to sell paper. I guess you could say that like the tornado, Rachel Berry stops for nothing and no one. That's a pretty good metaphor. I'm going to remember that.

* * *

><p><em>(The Lima Branch, where Quinn pulls Sam into the conference room and shuts the door. Luckily the camera can see through the window and Quinn and Sam still have their microphones on)<em>

"Quinn! What are you doing?" Sam hisses. He's pissed about her hot and cold attitude.

She pulls him towards her and kisses him frantically. "I forgive you," she says.

"For the haircut?" he asks. "Because I don't think it's that bad. I kind of like it, actually."

"No," she replies sweetly as she continues to plant kisses all over his face. "For not having sex with me."

Sam shoves her away. "_You're_ mad because _I_ didn't want to have sex with _you_? I'm the one who should be upset. You have no reason!"

"I don't _need_ a reason for doing the things that I do. I'm a woman!"

"Oh, so you don't have to hold yourself accountable for your actions?"

"No!" Quinn whispers harshly. "My only job is to listen to complaints! It's like totally not fair because it's over the phone and people can't see how gorgeous I am! They probably think they're talking to a hideous beast like Rachel!"

"You know what, Quinn? I don't know who you went to lunch with and I don't care! I'm done," Sam says as he tears the door open. He steps out into the office where everyone is staring at him. He sighs. Apparently the walls are a lot thinner than he originally thought.

* * *

><p>QUINN: After a minor lapse in judgment on his part, we're back together. Right, Sam?<br>SAM: Right. Now will you get off my lap?  
>QUINN: Oh, sorry. I have to get back to my desk now. Love you!<br>SAM: Love… to strangle you.

* * *

><p><em>(Holly's office, where the latest episode of <em>Animal Hoarders_ has just ended. Mack walks in)_

"That canary was ca-_razy_," Holly says to herself with a chuckle.

"You wanted to see me?" Mack asks.

Holly looks up. "Shut the door."

Mack obeys and takes a seat.

"What do you think, huh? Santana's pretty cute," Holly says, pretending to nudge Mack in the ribs.

Mack looks at the ground. "Yeah, she is."

Holly sighs. "What's the matter?"

"I never thought I had a conscience," Mack states. "Then today I met this girl. She's tough and sarcastic, but I actually _like_ her. I feel bad for leading her on."

"Let me ask you something," Holly says. "Did you like being unemployed?"

"No," Mack says. "It sucked big time."

"So on your journey to self-discovery did you at any point discover anything about yourself?"

Mack scowls. "No."

"See, this is what I mean. You were unemployed by choice. If we don't outsell Lima, everyone in this building will be unemployed _without_ a say in the matter. Santana is a great salesperson, maybe a little unmotivated, but I need you to ensure that she stays happy here in Dayton. If you begin to develop feelings for her, that's your own business. But my business is to save this business. Got it?"

"Got it," Mack repeats and turns to leave.

"And Mack?" Holly calls and the girl turns around. "You're welcome," Holly says with a wink.

* * *

><p>HOLLY: It may seem like I'm being a bitch and yeah, that's not my usual style. But I can't go back to substituting. For one thing, I'm banned from ever teaching sex ed in the state of Ohio ever again. For another, Cameo. I miss my Air Jordans and that's all I'm going to say.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room at the Lima Branch, where Tina and Mike are quietly eating their lunches. Tina sees Lauren staring at her through the window)<em>

"Mike, honey, I need to talk to you."

Mike smiles. "What's up, T?"

"Please don't hate me for this," Tina begins, "but I haven't been completely honest with you."

"Is it my hair? Because I saw the way you looked at Sam's new 'do and I–"

"No, it's not that," Tina says and Mike looks relieved. It only makes her feel guiltier. "We owe Lauren a lot of money."

Mike laughs. "I took care of that."

"You don't understand," Tina says, trying to emphasize the seriousness of the situation. "I put a ton of stuff on our tab without telling you and… and… we're screwed."

"Give me a little credit, Tina," Mike says. "I can always tell when something's on your mind. Plus Lauren called me. I had no other choice but to let you sweat it out a bit while I got the money. Remember on Halloween when I was sick? Yeah, I was asking my mom for a loan."

"You're not mad, are you?" Tina asks meekly.

"Do I look mad?" Mike replies.

"No."

"It's because I'm not. I love you, T."

"I love you too, Mike."

* * *

><p>TINA: Now I feel absolutely rotten. What did I ever do to deserve someone as wonderful as Mike Chang?<p>

* * *

><p>MIKE: I returned all of the unused stuff. The loan was for anything else we owed Lauren and <em>this<em>. I'm proposing tonight.

* * *

><p><em>(The camera, set up in the conference room, looks down at the parking lot where Will is getting out of his car. He's wearing a suit, opposed to the sweater vests he usually wears)<em>

"There he is," Terri says distractedly into the camera, which is directed back at her. "The man of my dreams. I'm going to ask him out. I know it's the perfect day because this morning I had to leave my breakfast out on the table while I took an emergency bathroom break and when I came back the raccoon hadn't eaten it. That never happens."

"Terri, why are you looking out the window?" Brittany asks, interrupting Terri's train of thought.

"None of your business," Terri snarls. "Why aren't you working?"

"You're not working either," Brittany replies. "You're looking out the window."

"Excuse me, but some of us aren't as lucky as you. _Some_ of us aren't engaged. _Some_ of us don't have more than one person vying for our attention."

"Wait… what have you heard?" Brittany asks nervously, the kiss still fresh on her mind although it was weeks ago.

Terri glances back out the window. She wasn't supposed to say that. Maybe if she ignores it, it will go away.

"I said, what have you heard?" Brittany repeats.

"Crap," Terri mumbles, before straightening back up. "Will's going to be here any second, Brittany! Please do as I say and go back to your desk. _Please_."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'm going to get to the bottom of this faster than Lord Tubbington gets to the bottom of a pot of fondue. I've just been so agitated lately. I think once my recital is over I'll be back to normal. Yeah, that's it. Stage fright.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: I never thought I'd say this, but there is too much going on in my head. I've got secrets for days. I can't handle the pressure! Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Emma: I know 'em all. This is not what I had in mind when they all asked to be my best friends. Of course, I declined Emma's request, but keeping up with three best friends is hard work. I should get paid overtime.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima - Puck and the rest of the dock hands have just finished their last shipment of the day. He's taking a drink of water when Sugar comes up behind him)<em>

"Hey sexy," she purrs in his ear.

"I knew you'd come back, Quinn," he says, relaxing back in his chair.

"Quinn?" Sugar shouts. "Who's Quinn?"

Puck spins around. He'd been lying when he said he broke things off with Sugar. "Uh, Quinn's my puppy. She ran away. Now's really not a good time. I have to go."

"Go where?" she demands.

"To put up lost dog posters. Then I have to go drain the main vein at the Chamber of Commerce."

Sugar smacks him on the shoulder. "You're not making any sense, Puck! You speak in guy code and I am nowhere near fluent. I never know what the hell you're talking about. Hate to break it to you, but you whine… a lot."

"Do not!"

"Do too! Before my daddy kicked you out you were saying how much you needed me to make you waffles."

"A man's gotta eat," Puck argues.

"Whatever," Sugar shrugs. "So we still on for tonight?"

"Are you kidding? Your dad said he'd shoot me!" Puck yells. He still has Quinn on his mind, too, but he's not about to tell Sugar in case she takes after her father's love of guns.

"Yeah, but imagine how many girls you'd get if you survive," Sugar baits, knowing he'll fall for it hook, line and sinker.

Puck mulls it over. "Fine. I'll swing by your place at ten. Climb down the trellis." He pauses. "Is it just me or do you feel like we're back in high school?"

"I dunno. It wasn't that long ago for me."

Puck groans.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Sugar Motta, you're about to reach your expiration date. Just so we're clear, this goes back to that milk analogy. I'm not going to kill her, although sometimes it's tempting… like when she opens her mouth.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri greets Will at the door of the office and immediately links their arms. Brittany sees this and tries not to giggle when Will squirms out of her grip. Terri then calls everyone into the conference room)<em>

"I have a special treat for you all," Terri announces. "Will's here to check up on our progress!"

"More like he's here to babysit _you_," Mercedes says. "To make sure _you_ don't do something stupid… again. Although you did eat that peanut on his watch."

"Hey everybody, I came to let you know that Dayton is in the lead. You guys need to really work together and give your best efforts if you want to keep this place going. I know that it may seem like you've reached rock bottom, but it's always darkest before the dawn," Will explains.

"That's so true," Terri butts in. "Take Kurt for example. He was miserable before he came out to me and now he's perfectly happy."

Kurt pales.

* * *

><p>TINA: Did she just- did she –<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Holy guacamole.<p>

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I have some savings. You can mortgage my house. Pawn whatever you can get your hands on because I'm going to need bail money when I attempt to murder anyone who makes fun of Kurt from now on. That is all.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: I was going for telling one person at a time… slowly. I really want to shove a Nutter Butter down her throat.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Will lectures Terri on the seriousness of her actions in her office while the group collectively comforts Kurt)<em>

"Terri, how could you out someone? This is worse than the time you handed Uno cards to Mike, Tina and Santana."

Terri shrugs. "That was just a harmless immigration joke. Get it? Because they were green."

"I'm pretty sure they all understood what it implied. It was offensive; not to mention all of them were born in America," Will states.

Terri cocks her head to the side. "Even Santana?"

"Yes. Even her."

"I could've sworn she hopped the border," Terri says to herself before turning to Will. "I'm sorry, I guess I've just felt a little neglected lately. The raccoon in my apartment is only mediocre company and my landlord, Howard, is hardly a conversationalist. I like you, Will. I know I freaked you out before when I said that I love you, but that was just the crazy talking."

"Terri, I have feelings for someone else," Will says gently.

"Emma?" Terri guesses. Will doesn't reply, but his face says it all. "Unfortunately for you, she's married."

Will looks her in the eye. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, human resources office)<em>

Rachel walks in to Emma's office. "Is this going to take long? I have paper to sell," she demands.

"Rachel, I've noticed that Santana's absence is affecting your job performance," Emma says. "Normally Terri would be the person to talk to you about this, but I think she's too busy sticking her foot in her mouth or something like that."

"Yes! Thank you for recognizing that I've increased my productivity by thirty-seven percent," Rachel brags.

Emma sets down her coffee mug that reads _Mop Til You Drop_. "Yes, well, Rachel, your productivity isn't what I'm concerned about. Have you noticed you're wearing your skirt backwards? And you missed a button on your blouse. Normally I'd suspect something else is going on, but your butt's been practically glued to your seat. I know you're ambitious, Rachel, but there's a line between overachieving and wearing yourself out."

"Impossible. I have excellent stamina," Rachel replies with a yawn. She closes her bleary, heavy-lidded eyes and promptly falls asleep.

Emma, unsure of what to do, gently prods Rachel with a pencil. Rachel springs up out of her seat and darts out the door.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I'm going against my better judgment and consuming copious amounts of caffeine. I just drank a Red Bull that I got from Sam and by my estimations I should fall asleep in… thirty-one hours. I feel so alive!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana is minding her own business at her desk, going over a few documents when Jesse turns around in his chair)<em>

"Sephora," he says, knocking on her desk to get her attention. "What do you think about Mack? I'd be willing to bet my autographed Lionel Richie poster that you're jealous. You thought you had all of the guys in here wrapped around your little finger. Guess what? You've got some competition because whereas you keep turning me down, I'm thinking she'll give me the green light. Comprende?"

"Well, if that's the case I should probably send her a 'Condolences on the Syphilis' card now," Santana mocks. "Ask her out. It's no skin off my ass."

Jesse picks at his manicured nails. "Normally I'd say that I like a good challenge, but this is a piece of cake. I want you to come with me so I can see the look on your face when she says yes."

"After you," Santana says as she stands to follow him. They make their way over to Mack's desk, which is only a few rows down from Santana.

"Mack," Jesse says. "If you were words on a page of Dunder Mifflin's highest quality paper, you'd be _fine print_."

"What is he doing?" Mack asks Santana.

"He's asking you out," Santana replies.

"Oh," Mack tells Jesse. "I'm not interested."

"See, I told you she'd say yes – _what_?" Jesse says. "But I'm fastidiously groomed!"

Santana snickers. "What were you saying earlier about cake, Jeff?"

* * *

><p>JESSE: I think I'm in shock. I've been turned down by two of the three women in the office. Of course, I stopped hooking up with Holly when she kept coming into work with cold sores on her mouth. She's hot, but I didn't want to risk hepatitis. I've yet to find out anything suspicious about Santana. I think it's about time I call in the cavalry. And by that I mean I'm going to resort to Facebook stalking her and tricking her parents into letting me come to Thanksgiving.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri hugs Will goodbye as Brittany enters her office)<em>

Brittany smiles at Will. "Drive safe."

He nods and exits.

"I think that went well," Terri says. "He asked me on a date."

"Why his sudden change of heart?" Brittany asks.

"He told me that I looked particularly beautiful today and could no longer resist my charms," Terri lies.

"Anyway," Brittany says, not wanting to talk about Will and Terri's inevitable disaster date. "I want to know who you were talking about before. You know; who else besides Artie likes me?"

"It isn't my place to say," Terri says.

"You just outed a guy in front of an entire office building."

"Why does everyone always choose to bring that up?"

Brittany rolls her eyes. "It happened like an hour ago."

"Brittany," Terri says, "I honestly believe that you know who it is. You just don't want to admit it to yourself. Which reminds me of the time I owed Pottery Barn thousands of dollars, but I thought if I ignored it, that it would go away. Turns out things don't work like that."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I hate to say it, but Terri was really helpful today. Not in the sense that she managed this office well – in fact, she's kind of running it into the ground – but she helped me as a person. I mean, she totally pissed everyone off with the whole Kurt thing, don't get me wrong. I <em>have<em> to speak to Santana. She likes me and I think I might feel the same way.

* * *

><p><em>(Santana packs up her belongings to head home for the day. She waves goodbye to Dave and Jesse and even smiles a bit when Mack passes her. She's about to walk out when her phone rings)<em>

"_I'm in love with you."_

Santana's heart speeds up until she realizes who it is. "Nice try, Puckerman. I let you get away with that in high school and feel up my boobs out of pity, but it won't work anymore."

"_Yeah, not since you're the gayest gay to ever gay."_

Santana smiles. She misses her best friend at times like these. "I'm coming home in a couple of days."

"_I'm sorry, all I heard was, 'blah, blah, blah. I'm coming home with a couple of gays. And I love Brittany.' Haha."_

"You're hilarious, Puck," Santana says sarcastically. "By the way, did you mail me anything?"

"_You said I wasn't allowed to know your new address… which is crap. Where else am I supposed to hook up with hot Dayton chicks?"_

"You have a truck."

"_You nasty. I gotta go. Talk to you later, vagina breath."_

Santana laughs. "Yeah. See you soon, cock-guzzler," she says and hangs up before Puck can respond.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Either Brittany sent me that ticket or I have a stalker. The only thing is I don't remember telling her my address. So maybe she is stalking me. Or maybe she sent me that ticket so I'll come to her recital and she'll humiliate me in front of my former coworkers... which is my worst nightmare. Either way, I think we need to talk.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany's reception desk)<em>

"Hey Brittany," Artie says as he greets his fiancée. "I have a surprise for you."

"Is it another engagement ring?" she asks, not really paying attention. She's tried calling Santana's phone a couple of times, but keeps getting a busy signal.

"No," Artie laughs. "It's something a little more… _intimate_."

Brittany bites her lip. She doesn't really have a choice. She can't say no, although she wants to. "Okay."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Hallelujah.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office.<br>A/N: Hope y'all had a happy Thanksgiving and didn't lose any limbs while shopping on Black Friday. Feel free to check out my tumblr at **hufflepuffandpass . tumblr . com** (I tend to give sneak peeks there and whatnot)

This chapter is dedicated to **killer cereal**.

* * *

><p>"Watch this," Santana tells the camera.<p>

Dave picks up his phone and dials the number written on his hand. "Hello, Brittany. May I please speak with Rachel? Thanks."

"Put it on speakerphone so I can hear," Santana says and he nods.

"_Rachel Berry speaking. How may I help you?"_

Dave says, "Yes, Ms. Bandy. My name is–"

"_It's Berry."_

"I'm sorry... This is Raquel Berry, correct?"

"_Ra-chel. Rachel Ber-ry."_

"I apologize once more. This is DJ Bear Cub from 102.3 The Bean – Lima's number four radio station! I've got your friend Santana here on the line. She's challenged you to our head-to-head trivia contest! Do you accept?"

"_Of course I accept. Any opportunity to humiliate Santana in a game of wit is an automatic yes."_

Santana makes a disgusted face at the camera.

"All right, Rachel," Dave continues. "Here are the rules. It's best of five, so the first player to correctly answer three questions wins. But before you can answer, you have to ring in. Sound fair?"

"_What do I ring in with?"_

"Well, that depends. What's around you?" he asks.

"_I have a stapler. Will that work?"_

"Perfect! Just click your stapler together a few times. Santana, what's your signal going to be?"

"That would be my infamous bird calls, DJ Bear Cub," Santana says into the speaker.

Dave smirks. "Okay, ladies. Category: Television. Question: Which celebrity won the first season of Dancing with the Stars? Rachel! You're the first to ring in."

"_Let me just preface my answer by saying that one day I will be on this show and will subsequently win. That being said, the first season winner was Kelly Monaco. If you need the names of the second and third place contestants, I'll gladly recite them for you."_

"No need! That's one point for Rachel!" Dave bellows.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: We picked two questions that we knew she'd know. That way it seemed like she had a chance. For the other three we went to Wikipedia and clicked on the random article option. Was it cruel to tell her that the "prize" was an all-expenses-paid trip to New York City to see the Broadway musical of her choice? Probably. But we only told her after she lost. Or was that crueler? I kind of feel like we opened Pandora's Box on that one.<p>

* * *

><p>DAVE: I never would have guessed that Santana knows legit bird calls. Loon, Canada Goose, Red-Tailed Hawk, Great Horned Owl and Red-breasted Nuthatch. I bet that last one is her favorite.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch, where everyone is watching Rachel have a meltdown)<em>

"Rachel, is everything okay?" Finn asks worriedly.

"I think I'm in shock," she replies. "It was right there in my fingertips and I _lost_ it. How could I possibly have forgotten Saskatoon?"

"I'm not sure what that is, exactly," Finn says, "but I bet we can find another one."

"No, Finn," Rachel says, exasperated. "I had a chance to win something fantastic and I blew it. And it was something that I _really_ wanted. It's not just that, though. Can I tell you a secret?"

Finn looks around; everyone else pretends to be working. "Sure."

"I don't know if I have what it takes to save this place all on my own," she tells him. "Everyone in this office is depending on me whether or not they want to admit it. Let's face the facts; Sam's never made a sale and probably never will. Tina is as nice as they come, but she is far too shy for this line of business. Mercedes has _no_ incentive to do her job so I'm all we have."

"So the pressure is mounting," Finn tells her. "You're _Rachel Berry_. You _thrive_ on pressure. You have more Dundies than the rest of us combined. I think that's partially because April sold all of hers and Mercedes threw hers in the trash." Finn shakes his head. "You can do it because you're the best. As for the rest of the salespeople, I'll talk to them."

"You will?" Rachel sniffles.

Finn smiles sweetly. "Yeah. By the way, I had a really great time on our date, although I had no idea you were a vegan; otherwise I never would've taken you to a steakhouse."

"I had fun, too. Actually, I'm a little surprised you haven't asked me on another, although you wouldn't be the first person to stop calling after only one date."

"Sorry about that," Finn says sheepishly. "My mom needed me to do some work around the house. I'll call you tomorrow if you want. Besides, this four-day weekend will give you a chance to recharge your batteries."

"Thanks, Finn. You haven't seen Terri by chance, have you?" she asks.

"Nah," he says and as he walks away and Brittany comes over to hand Rachel some paperwork.

"Why were you clicking your stapler together?" she asks.

"Not now, Brittany," Rachel snaps. "I just lost a game against Santana."

"Jumanji?"

"No! It was something for that radio station – 102.3 The Bean?" Rachel says.

Brittany laughs. "And people think I'm dumb. There is no 102.3 The Bean. I listen to the radio a lot. Lord Tubbington prefers it over cds."

Rachel's face gets red. "I'm too depressed to talk. Now see if you can get my therapist on the phone."

As Brittany walks back to the reception desk, she can hear Rachel sobbing.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: If you give Rachel a staple, she'll want a paper clip. If you give Rachel a paper clip, she'll want tape. If you give Rachel tape, she'll want glue. But if you offer Rachel something and then take it away, she'll want revenge. I think she's mentally preparing herself for going on a killing spree.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where Puck is arm wrestling with one of the other dock workers)<em>

"All right, pay up," Puck tells the sore loser. "Don't make me give you a patriotic wedgie the day before Thanksgiving, man. Imagine how embarrassed your family would be if someone took pictures."

Puck pockets the ten dollar bill and goes to help Artie out of the forklift. "Yo man, what's the deal?" he asks when Artie refuses his help.

"I want to see if I can do it myself," Artie says, wiggling out of his seat. He peers over the edge of the forklift. It's about a four foot drop considering he can't use the built-in steps.

"Your funeral," Puck says, glancing around to see who else is watching. If Artie gets hurt, then that slows down the distribution process. And time is money, even to Puck. "What's this all about? I thought we were past you refusing my help."

"Have you ever had a bad sexual experience?" Artie asks.

"No," Puck replies.

"Me either," Artie says quickly, "but the other night I arranged a special evening for Brittany and me at a hotel. It was really, really romantic and then when we went to… y'know… she was completely uninterested."

"What… did she just like, lie there or something?" Puck asks. "Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean it to be harsh, dude. For the record, I'm glad you can even slap the salami at all."

Artie narrows his eyes. "Thanks," he says, a little hurt by Puck's inconsiderate comment. "What do you think the problem is?"

"Could be a number of things. Maybe she was upset about something. Maybe she was wondering who was going to drive the dump truck that delivers Lord Tubbington's food. Maybe she was PMSing."

"Maybe."

"Or maybe she doesn't dig dick _exclusively_."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: I know he was kidding around, but now I'm fantasizing about all of the threesomes I'll never have. Thanks a lot, Puck.<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: Besides the fact that she's totally in love with Santana, it's no wonder that Brittany isn't turned on by a paraplegic with dorky glasses and suspenders. <em>Ah shit<em>, Sugar just texted me inviting me to Thanksgiving with her family. I'm sick of her constantly blowing up my phone asking me where I am and who I'm with. Oh _no_. When did this morph from a booty call to something more without my knowledge? Desperate times call for desperate measures; I'm gonna convince her that I died.

* * *

><p><em>(Tina and Mike chat quietly in the break room waiting for a pot of coffee when Lauren comes in)<em>

"Have either of you seen Terri?" she asks.

They exchange glances. "No," Mike says, "usually we see her in the parking lot every morning waiting for someone to walk in with."

"She never joins us – not that I'm complaining – probably because she doesn't want to feel like a third wheel," Tina adds.

Mike grins. "Or she hates Asians. I'm really okay with either explanation."

"Interesting," Lauren says. "I'll look into that."

"Being Asian?" Tina jokes.

"No, using the buddy system. Anyway, what's with you two lately? You seem even happier than usual. It disgusts me," Lauren says.

"We got engaged, but we haven't told everyone yet," Mike says happily and Tina beams as well.

"Oh. Congratulations."

"So," Mike says, trying to change the subject. "What are your plans for tomorrow?"

"Well, seeing as how I have a battery-operated boyfriend, I'll probably spend it alone watching the Twilight Saga," Lauren supplies and both Mike and Tina's eyes widen when they realize what she's said. "That Rob Pattinson is totally my type."

* * *

><p>MIKE: Santana once told the entire office that every time there's an awkward situation, somebody thinks about Abraham Lincoln. I think about him a lot at work. Particularly when talking to Terri.<p>

* * *

><p>TINA: Honest Abe, Honest Abe, Honest Abe.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana loses a game of Minesweeper and is about to start a new game when her phone rings)<em>

"You've reached Santana. How may I -"

"_Modified Exit Strategy 10."_

"Puck?" she asks.

"_Who else would it be?"_

"Yeah, clearly that was stupid of me because who else would want me to convince his clingy fuck buddy that he's dead?"

"_I think that guy who got his penis chopped off wishes he'd played dead instead of going home to his knife-happy wife."_

"Valid point. And considering _Mr._ Motta already threatened you with guns, I think it's safe to say his daughter's not above severing your pencil dick."

"_Finally! We're now on the same page about everything… except for the size of the monster residing in my pants, of course."_

Santana makes a disgusted face. "Gross. I'll do it, but only because I hate all of the girls you hook up with. You know you deserve better, right?"

"_Let me know when you get Megan Fox on the line, but I'm good for now. Well, after you tell Sugar I died trying to save puppies from a burning building or some shit."_

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Exit Strategies is a code Puck and I came up with when I was in college. Modified means he's not currently with the person, but still needs an out for whatever reason… this time being that she's grown so attached that they're practically Siamese twins. My favorite is Strategy 13. Don't want to give too much away, but it involves a rope ladder and some Crisco.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Kurt sits at his desk, looking at a framed picture of Blaine)<em>

"Howdy, Kurt," April says, flashing him a smile with her pearly white teeth.

Kurt tears his gaze away from the photograph. "Ah, April. Dunder Mifflin's most… _provocative_ employee. How may I be of service?"

April leans in closer to him as if she's about to reveal a secret. She says, "Look, I figured I could trust you with this since I could've sworn you were gay and all, but now that you want to 'service' me, I'm not so sure I should tell you."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "I _am_ gay. Why do you think everyone made a big deal about me coming out?"

"You could've been coming out as a one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater for all I know!" April counters. "I wasn't really paying attention to anything other than the bottle of Mr. Boston hidden in my filing cabinet. Anyway, this Thanksgiving I'm trying to avoid temptation."

"What temptation are we talking about?" Kurt asks curiously.

"Food, mostly, although I don't want to scare you with any of the other temptations I've encountered over the years," April says and a shiver runs down Kurt's spine. "I came to you because I was wonderin' if you had any diet pills."

"Of course. I'm not going to ask why you can't just go buy them yourself because frankly, I really don't care to know. But they can be yours if the price is right."

"I love that show. I bid one dollar! Who else is playing?" April says, looking around.

"You know what? You can just have it. Here," Kurt says as he hands April the bottle.

She reads the warning on the label. "_May cause anal leakage_. Well, you only live once," she says as she downs a small handful of pills.

Kurt gasps. "You're not supposed to take that many!"

* * *

><p>APRIL: That's my motto: I'll only live once… until I'm reincarnated. As the next Annie Oakley. Only prettier.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: April's not the brightest star in the solar system. For example, she thinks the order of operations includes division, multiplication, subtraction and <em>edition<em>. I don't have the heart to correct her mistakes. One time she made me a card that said Happy Berthday. With an 'e' instead of 'i'. It's the thought that counts, right?

* * *

><p><em>(Sam sits at his desk, trying not to notice Brittany's stare. Quinn walks over to him and sits in his lap)<em>

"Tonight's the big night! You ready?" Quinn whispers in his ear. "I bought a new pair of underwear for the occasion. Don't laugh, but I went for comfort over style so they're white cotton panties."

"Yeah," Sam says rather unenthusiastically. "About that..."

Quinn sniffles. "What? Now you don't want to have sex with me? I thought we made up."

Sam rolls his eyes at her last statement. "It's just that you've given birth before and I'm concerned you might be seriously _wrecked_ down there. Like tore-up-from-the-floor-up. A buddy of mine told me about this thing called a vanus. Have you heard of it? Literally your vagina and your a-"

"Sam!"

"I'm serious! You like, poop and pee out the same hole because it's ripped all the way-"

"I'm three seconds away from slapping you."

* * *

><p>SAM: I'm not saying she has one, but I don't know for a fact that she <em>doesn't<em> and when I told her that one photograph was all the evidence I needed, she slapped me! So uncalled for.

* * *

><p>QUINN: To think I was concerned with stretch marks when I should've been worried about a vanus all along. Thankfully I have a hand mirror in my purse. I'm going to go assess the damage and try not to think about Abraham Lincoln.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton, where Santana is squinting at a spreadsheet on her computer)<em>

"Are the lines all starting to run together?" a voice says from behind her.

"It's pretty much one huge clusterfuck," Santana replies, spinning around. Her eyes take a second to readjust and when they do she sees that it's Mack. "So, what can I do ya for?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to lunch. I remember Jesse said on my first day back that you're a vegetarian so I was thinking about this place–"

"I'm actually _not_ a vegetarian. I just told him that so he'd get off my back," Santana says, cutting Mack off slightly, but Mack doesn't seem to mind; she's laughing. "Wanky, I know, but that's not actually what I meant. He was bothering me so I said that in the hopes that he'd leave."

Mack laughs again. "Relax; I never thought there was anything between you and Jesse but mutual hatred. Anyway, you might not be a vegetarian, but pizza is _my_ favorite vegetable so… how about it?"

Santana weighs her options. It's either this or some leftover Chinese in the break room fridge. "Do they have a Meat Lover's?"

Mack nods and out of the corner of her eye she sees Holly wink at her.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Before we start, can I check this text real quick? It says, "Hope you haven't forgotten about the recital! I can't WAIT to see you! Brittany." What am I doing? She's engaged to Artie. What am I <em>saying<em>? She's engaged. Period. I'm torturing myself, but I can't seem to stop. I'm a glutton for punishment. A sexy, hilarious glutton, but a glutton nonetheless.

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel bangs on the door to the bathroom; no one answers, but the door is locked)<em>

"Whoever's in there, will you please open the door?" she calls. "I _have_ to use the restroom every hour on the hour during work or my schedule will be thrown off. I really can't handle another distraction like that at this juncture in my life. There are two stalls. _Please_."

"You can't rush art," a disembodied voice calls back.

"Quinn? You're not drawing pornographic pictures of me, are you?"

Quinn sighs. "No. I'd just rather be alone 'at this juncture in my life.'"

"Are you mocking me?" Rachel asks.

The Customer Service Rep opens the door slightly, just enough to peek her head out. "Look," she whispers, "I'll tell you why I'm in here, but you cannot – I repeat,_ cannot_ – tell anyone about this."

"What, did you give birth or something?" Rachel whispers back.

This seems to set the tear-streaked Quinn off even more. "I'm trying to look at myself with _this_," she says, shoving the hand mirror in Rachel's face. "I need to know if I have a vanus. I'm pretty sure I don't, but Sam's going to _hate_ me if I do. Then another challenge presented itself when I realized that I needed to lie down on the floor in order to get the correct angle. And Rachel, I don't want to lie on that floor. Santana once told me that Mr. Kidney mops it with his own semen."

"Highly unlikely, although it's not impossible," Rachel says and Quinn gives her a strange look. "About Mr. Kidney, not your potential… vanus," she clarifies. "But if this is bothering you so badly, I am certified in first aid and I am willing to scope out the situation if you just let me in."

"You'd really do that for me?" Quinn sniffles. "I've never exactly been nice to you, Rachel."

"I'm used to it. I'll be right there, but first I have to get my kit," Rachel explains.

Quinn nods and closes the door again.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I Googled the term vanus. At first I thought she was talking about veins, like maybe she has some varicose ones, but it only took one click of my mouse for me to decide I wasn't coming back. I wonder how long she'll stay in there.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: I didn't need to lie on the floor after all. I hoisted my leg up onto the side of a stall and was able to do it that way. I mean, how embarrassing would that have been if Rachel <em>had <em>checked it out? For the record, this woman is vanus-free and I don't care to tell Sam the truth. I think I'll let him sweat it out.

* * *

><p><em>(Finn, who's neglected his accounting responsibilities all morning, approaches Tina and Mercedes)<em>

"If you're trying to pass your paperwork off again, I don't want any," Mercedes says without looking up from her magazine.

"I was-"

"Tina doesn't want any either," she says, cutting him off.

"Actually, I came to talk to both of you," he states. "Rachel really needs your help."

"Did she fall down a well?" Tina asks.

Mercedes laughs. "Does she need something from the top shelf? Because if that's the case, I think you're the man for the job."

"She thinks she has to save this branch all by herself," Finn blurts out. "But with your help, maybe she'll stop drinking Red Bull and finally relax."

"She does seem to be a little uptight these days," Tina mentions. "Well, you know, more than usual. I'm in."

"Fine," Mercedes relents. "I'm in, too. But can we start on Monday? Tina's about to do my nails."

* * *

><p>FINN: Two down, one to go. Then again, I don't know if it's worth it to talk to Sam. I'm pretty sure he's never made a sale.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam catches Brittany staring at him <em>again_ and decides to confront her about it)_

"Okay, do you have a crush on me or something?" Sam asks as he marches up to the reception desk. "Because you're _always_ looking at me. You're hot and all, but I like Quinn. Kind of. Sometimes."

"No," she replies slowly. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I promise. You're just in my line of sight, that's all."

"Lucky for you I'm about to take a break. Stare at Rachel instead," he says.

Brittany frowns. "Shouldn't you get back to work? I mean, you have yet to sell anything."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I decided to wait until after my recital to talk to Santana. And as much as I want to stick to my guns, I keep texting her. I guess maybe I don't want there to be any Abraham Lincoln moments.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri breezes into the office for the first time all day. Brittany glances at the clock on the wall. Emma also takes note of it)<em>

"Terri, can I speak with you for a minute?" Emma asks politely.

Terri does her best to ignore her, but Emma blocks her pathway. "Fine," she says eventually.

"Thank you. Now let's head over to my office so we can talk."

"No," Terri replies, "I prefer my office. Yours is too clean. A sterile environment doesn't automatically make a person more productive."

"_Working_ automatically makes a person more productive and I never see you doing that," Emma says.

"Your office it is."

Emma leads the way and waits for Terri and the cameraman to enter before shutting the door.

"I received the strangest phone call today," Emma begins.

Terri sits up in her chair. "They're remaking _Anne of Green Gables_ and they want you to play the title role?" she guesses.

"No," Emma answers. "Apparently tomorrow I'm having a reconciliation dinner with Carl. Any idea who might have set that up?"

Terri shrugs. "I don't meddle as a rule."

Emma says, "He said you were the one who arranged it."

"Rules are meant to be broken. That's why they're called rules."

"Well you just so happen to be the manager in this place. I'm still not entirely sure how, but you need to set a good example. So we're going to do a little workshop at the end of the day and talk about all of the things we're thankful for," Emma says.

"I don't think so," Terri argues.

"You don't have a choice. You were supposed to come in this morning and if you don't go through with it, I'll write you up."

* * *

><p>TERRI: I took a last minute half day today. I swear that damn raccoon shut off my alarm. If he's not careful, I'm going to eat him for Thanksgiving dinner. My other plans for tomorrow include a nonstop <em>Sims 2<em> marathon. My sims always need extra attention this time of year, seasonal depression and whatnot. Did Will ask me to join him for Thanksgiving? Well… no. But Sim Will is going to WooHoo with Sim Terri at least twice in a row. Sim Emma can die in a fire.

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, Puck is looking over his clipboard)<em>

"So it's not true!" Sugar yells as she leaps into Puck's arms. It catches him off-guard but he is able to regain his balance.

"What are you doing here?" he demands.

She lets go of him. "I should ask you the same thing! I got a phone call from Santana saying you died in a tragic dumpster fire during a drug deal gone wrong. She also said a puppy tried to save you, but it died too."

"That's not what I told her to say at all," Puck mutters, but fortunately Sugar doesn't hear him.

"You see?" Sugar continues. "I told you she was trouble. She's only trying to break us up because she obviously wants you for herself. Someone needs to tell her that life is not a romantic comedy because if it were, I'd be dating Ashton Kutcher instead of you. Sorry, Asperger's."

"She is definitely not trying to break 'us' up because there is no 'us,' Sug," Puck argues. "Haven't you ever noticed that every time we meet you always end up with your ass in the air waiting for me to plow you into oblivion?"

"It's the most stable relationship I've ever had!" Sugar claims.

Puck slams his clipboard down, causing the other dock workers to stare. "It's not a relationship!" he says, frustrated. "It was always a fuck buddy, booty call, my-tequila-worm-meets-your-taco-stand – _whatever_ you wanna call it – kind of thing. But you tried to make it into something it wasn't, so it's over."

"How over are we talking?" Sugar says. "Because my grandparents are really excited to meet you tomorrow, although Daddy's not pleased."

"One hundred percent over," Puck says. "There are plenty more fish in the sea and my cane pole wants to reel in as many as possible."

"But my grandparents are flying in from –"

"GO AWAY!"

"You'll regret this, Noah Puckerman. I won't give up. I'm the freakin' _Loco-Motta That Could_!"

* * *

><p>SUGAR: I needed to get going anyway. My singing lesson starts soon. The entire class envies me. It's because I sound better than Amy Winehouse, Adele and the girl from Florence and the Machine - whose name I can never remember - combined.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mack watches Santana devour her food at a pizzeria in Dayton)<em>

"I take it you like your pizza," Mack says.

"Does Rachel Berry wear inappropriately short skirts to work almost every day?" Santana pauses. "And now I realize you have no clue who that is. But yes, I'm digging this pizza. You know what would be even better though? Breadsticks. From Breadstix."

Mack pushes around the salad on her plate. "Rachel, huh? Is she the one you left behind?"

"I didn't leave anyone unless you count a close friend or two. I'm single," Santana says, her tone slightly bitter.

"But you don't deny that you're…"

"A lesbian? Yeah, I am, but I don't go around blasting the Indigo Girls' greatest hits from my boom box while hanging out of a Jeep Wrangler on the way to a taping of the Ellen DeGeneres show. I take that back; I've done all of those things – just not at the same time."

Mack smiles. "Indigo Girls, huh? They your favorite band?"

"Not really. I'm more of an Alanis girl. Although to be honest, I've been listening to Beyoncé nonstop lately," Santana says.

"Ugh, I'm not a fan."

"_How_ can you not like Beyoncé? She practically runs the world."

Mack shrugs. "I don't like dancers trying to be singers or singers trying to be dancers; whatever the hell she is."

Santana opens her mouth to speak, but changes her mind. They eat the rest of their meal in silence.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I drew this on my napkin. It's a picture of me trapped in a closet and Abraham Lincoln is trying to free me. I couldn't help it… once she said she disliked Beyoncé, my mind automatically went to the Great Emancipator. I even took out a five dollar bill so I had something to reference.<p>

* * *

><p>MACK: What's the deal with this picture? She ignored me and started doodling. I guess I was kind of a bitch for insulting one of her favorite artists. I thought I grew out of that phase after high school.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(April steps into the elevator and is staring off into space when a man she doesn't recognize joins her)<em>

"Hello," he says. "I'm Mr. Figgins of Figgins Refrigeration. I also own this building. You are?"

April snaps out of her trance. "I'm sorry. What did you say? And before you get offended, it's not because of your accent, although it _is_ distracting."

"I was wondering your name."

"Oh, uh… April Rhodes."

They ride in silence until Mr. Figgins sniffs the air.

"Ms. Rhodes, did you break wind inside of my elevator?"

"I knew I shoulda given him a fake name," April says to herself before addressing Mr. Figgins. "I'm just conducting an experiment," she tells him.

"What is your experiment about?" Mr. Figgins asks, seemingly interested.

She racks her brain, trying to come up with a reason. "I wanna see how long it takes for people to realize I farted."

Mr. Figgins nods. "Very well then! Best wishes, Ms. Rhodes."

* * *

><p>APRIL: I sharted. I'm starting to think it might be a side effect of those pills Kurt gave me. I also can't remember what day it is, but <em>that<em> is a side effect of something else.

* * *

><p>MR. FIGGINS: Normally I don't see too many of the Dunder Mifflin employees other than the warehouse boys so it was a nice change to talk to a well-spoken, put-together woman like Ms. April Rhodes. I can already tell she has a bright future ahead of her whether it's here or in the field of science where she can test more hypotheses.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Terri Del Monico! That's the made-up name I should've given him.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri gathers everyone in the office in the conference room)<em>

"According to Emma, I want to take this opportunity to thank you for all of your hard work," Terri says. "Because it's that time of year where if you don't start being nice to people, Santa nests in your apartment and eats you out of house and home and is generally ungrateful that you don't call animal control on his furry, striped ass."

"Please tell me she's talking about the raccoon and not Will," Tina says.

"All I heard was Santa eats you out," Mike whispers back.

Mercedes rolls her eyes. Quinn listens attentively, all smiles since she no longer is worried about her body. April eyes the door nervously and crosses her legs.

"So does anyone else want to share what they're thankful for?" Terri asks.

"I'll go," Emma volunteers.

"Whoa, sorry. No long-lost Weasleys allowed," Terri tells her.

"Hear, hear!" Rachel agrees.

"Okay, stop that," Terri demands.

"I'm thankful that I'm starting to overcome my fear of talking on the phone," Tina says.

"It's really not that hard," Sam points out.

"Says the guy who's never sold anything," Mike says in Tina's defense.

"I'll be really thankful if you guys come to my recital. I've sent out a few email reminders and you all have a flier. Please think about it," Brittany says.

"What kind of dancing is it?" Sam asks. "Because if you take off your clothes-"

"It's ballet," Rachel interrupts. "And since I'm going to be the first non-star on _Dancing with the Stars_, I figure it couldn't hurt to watch. That way I can critique the performances and learn from others' mistakes."

"I don't think you'd be the first non-star," Finn says to her. "But if you're in, I am too."

"I am _not_ going to see no ballet. That is a white people thing," Mercedes declares.

"Actually," Brittany says. "It's not only ballet. I'm doing contemporary and hip-hop."

"Think of it as a group outing," Terri says.

"It's on Saturday. Group outings are not on Saturday. Saturday is the weekend and I do not see you people on the weekend," Mercedes says.

"I never want to hear the word 'outing' come out of Terri's mouth ever again," Kurt states.

"I'm not going," Lauren says.

"Why not, Lauren?" Mike asks. "Too busy with your battery-powered boyfriend?"

Terri frowns at all of the bickering. "This is for Brittany! She's a great receptionist! She almost always patches calls through to the right people!"

"I always patch it through to the right person. You just refuse to answer sometimes and then people call back and get mad at me," Brittany says.

Quinn says, "You have no idea what it's like in customer service, Brittany. You're the receptionist."

"No, but I do know what it's like to listen to you whine," Brittany retorts. "It's pretty much the same thing only I bet none of the customers complain about Sam's new haircut."

"You know what, people? I'd be thankful for a bathroom right about now!" April yells rather uncharacteristically. "But no, I gotta listen to all your squawkin' about ballots and Santa Fe and vibrators and all that jazz. I'm about to shit my pants for the second time today! Class dismissed!"

* * *

><p>KURT: Now <em>that<em> is how you end a meeting.

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Fine, I'll go to this concert or whatever the hell it's called. I want to see Brittany's version of hip-hop. She's probably the Vanilla Ice of poppin' and lockin' and that is the only reason I'll buy a ticket with my hard-earned money.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night.<br>BRITTANY: That's Christmas.  
>TERRI: Shut it, Brittany. Can't you see I'm trying to spread some holiday cheer?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Thanksgiving Day, Puck is sitting in his living room watching television with no pants)<em>

"Jealous your family would rather camp out in front of Best Buy with complete strangers than stay here with you?" Santana says, startling him slightly.

"Depends," he says. "Are you jealous your parents would rather go to Aruba last minute than be here with _you_?"

Santana smiles. "I think the people of Aruba are probably jealous that I get a free pass while they're forced to cater to the ever-demanding Dr. and Mrs. Lopez."

"It's about damn time you showed up," Puck grunts.

"You know how it is; places to be, bitches to see," Santana jokes as he wraps her in a hug. When he lets go she notices the beer in his hand. "I see you got a head start."

"Been drinkin' since the beginning of the Macy's parade," he tells her.

"Well I'm starving. What did your mom leave for us to eat?"

"She didn't make shit," Puck tells her.

Santana leans back in her recliner. "I could so make a delicious Thanksgiving meal."

"Could not."

She laughs. "Could too, asshole."

"Wanna bet?"

"_Yeah_."

"Okay, Tana. You have all afternoon. If it sucks, you gotta split an All-Star Special with that toothless broad at the WaHo. If it doesn't suck, then I'll take you to Breadstix as many times as you'd like before you go back to Dayton."

"Deal."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: What Puck doesn't know is that his mom really did make everything… at the neighbor's house. All I have to do is reheat it. I'm going to go get the food now and then spend the rest of the day working on my laptop. I really didn't want to bring my work home with me; in fact, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do, but anything to have an edge over Lima. Damn, I sound like Rachel.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany and Artie's apartment, where Lord Tubbington is sniffing the many ingredients scattered around the kitchen)<em>

"Hey, it's not so bad," Artie says, trying to comfort his fiancée.

"I forgot to take the giblets out of the turkey and Lord Tubbington ate the entire pumpkin pie! Not to mention your parents _never_ showed up, Artie! They hate me!" Brittany sobs. There's flour in her hair and bits of potato stuck to the kitchen cabinets and the room looks ransacked.

"That's not true," Artie lies. "My mom loves you. She just can't stomach your cooking. And my dad makes all those comments about your body because he values exercise. Chubby Ass isn't the _worst_ name he could've called you. Although he'll probably be disappointed when he finds out that he missed seeing you in such great shape… because for a while there you definitely gained the Freshman Fifteen even though _technically _you didn't go to college."

Brittany stops crying momentarily. "Is that supposed to make me feel better or worse?"

"Will you feel better if I take you to another hotel?" Artie asks hopefully.

She throws her hands up in frustration and says, "We have a wedding to plan and every last bit of our paychecks needs to go towards bills and the wedding fund. I'm basically planning it by myself. Besides, I wasn't in the mood that night and tonight I'm not either."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: I can't win for losing.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Okay so even though this is like the worst Thanksgiving ever, I have to do this one thing. Lord Tubbington, say hi to the camera!<br>LORD TUBBINGTON:  
>BRITTANY: He's shy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The doorbell at Puck's rings and he looks out the window to see who it is: a man with curly hair who looks similar to Will)<em>

Puck answers the door. "You must be Santana's friend from work. Come in," he says.

Jesse has no clue what the guy's talking about, but goes along with it. "Yes! Exactly."

"Santana! Bring me another beer and…" Puck calls, then turns to Jesse and asks, "You want anything?"

"I'll take a mint julep," Jesse says.

"Make that two beers!" Puck yells.

Jesse looks around at the scattered bottles littering the floor. "This is a… lovely home."

Puck snorts. "Thanks I guess. Santana said you might stop by. It's nice that she has someone she can really relate to. I mean, we talk about our lady troubles all the time, but I'm glad she's got a gay friend who understands."

"I'm not gay," Jesse scoffs.

"Wait… you're not Dave?" Puck asks, confused. "Who are you then?"

"What are _you_ doing here?" Santana says to Jesse as she comes out of the kitchen with a drink in each hand.

"I don't know," Jesse admits. "I didn't have anybody to spend Thanksgiving with and I put a GPS in your handbag because those things are bottomless pits – or so I've heard. Look, this is just as embarrassing for you as it is for me so –"

"This isn't embarrassing for me. It's really, really embarrassing for you, but it's not embarrassing for me," she says.

"Actually," Puck says guiltily, "I kinda spilled the beans about your Lesbyterianism. I swear on our friendship that it wasn't on purpose. I also might've mentioned Dave's name too." He takes a beer, opens it and hands it back to her. "You need this more than I do."

Santana sighs. "I'm not mad, Puck. While it is possible that tomorrow I will be, today I'm not. Jesse, say whatever the hell you want about me at work, but don't breathe a word about Dave. He's nowhere near ready to come out of the closet."

"Wait, _this_ is Jesse?" Puck says, taking a menacing step forward. "I oughta beat your ass for all the things you've said to her."

"Relax Rambo, he can stay," Santana says. It is Thanksgiving after all and he did say he had nowhere to go.

"Really?" Puck and Jesse ask simultaneously.

* * *

><p>JESSE: I'm not a bad guy. It probably seems that way because of my dashing good looks, deceptive charm and the fact that I wear more black than Darth Vader, but I'm not the villain everyone makes me out to be. I just make bad first impressions – like Axe Body Spray or Fran Drescher.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany and Artie's apartment)<em>

"I think a bunch of people from work are going to come to the recital," Brittany says, breaking the silence that often plagues their apartment.

"Cool," Artie replies as he digs into the Chinese food they ended up ordering. "Then we can focus on the wedding, right?"

Brittany smiles a little. "I was looking at some Save the Dates and I found a few I liked, if you want to see them."

"Oh," Artie says. "I trust you. Whatever you pick is fine. As long as it's not too expensive, I guess."

Brittany, slightly annoyed that he refuses to participate, says, "We do work at a paper company, so I think we could get a good deal. And Tina's super creative so maybe she could design them."

Artie puts down his food. "I'm tired. Can we go to bed now?"

"It's only eight o'clock," she says, glancing at her watch.

"I was thinking we could do more than sleep."

"Are you worried that once we get married we won't have sex anymore?" Brittany asks him.

Artie sighs. "We're hardly having sex now."

"I'm sorry," she replies.

"What's there to be sorry about? You're tired. I understand. Not only do you work forty hours a week, but you also do everything around the apartment. Now you have to plan a wedding. I just wish you'd relax a little; have some fun."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: How can I have fun when I know there are starving cats in the world? Sorry, I know it sounds random, but that Sarah McLachlan commercial just came on tv and every time I see one of their fuzzy faces I think, what if that was Lord Tubbington?<p>

* * *

><p>ARTIE: You're going to think I'm crazy for saying this, but every time there's a huge gap in the conversation, I think about Abraham Lincoln for some reason. I don't know why it is or when it started, I just know that he's been crossing my mind a lot lately at home.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Puck's house. The camera pans over the dinner table where only leftovers remain before showing Jesse, Puck and Santana sitting in a circle in the living room with beer bottles scattered all around them)<em>

"Santana, fuck, marry, kill. Brittany, Rachel and Terri," Puck says.

"I hate this game," she replies. "It assumes that married people don't fuck."

Puck laughs. "Married people do fuck; they just don't fuck their spouses. I should know. I've slept with enough of the housewives around here."

"That's terrible, Puck," Santana says.

"It's just a game," Jesse says. "Answer it."

"No," she shrugs.

Puck snorts. "Doesn't matter anyways. It's not like she'll ever have Brittany. She's too damn pussy to lay it all on the line even though her window of opportunity is closing."

"I'm sure that you have time-" Jesse starts to say, but is cut off by Puck.

"No, she doesn't. Brittany's engaged. And Brittany is going to marry Artie - even though she kissed you -because you won't tell her you love her. Then you're going to be alone for the rest of your life while she has crazy, not-at-all-boring hotel sex with her husband since apparently married people hump like rabbits. I'm tired of you always feeling sorry for yourself. Get the girl or _move on_."

"Puck-"

Santana puts down her beer and says, "He's right, Jesse. I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell her at the recital."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: If I was with Brittany, I couldn't sleep next to her without wanting to hold her. And I couldn't hold her without wanting to make love to her. We'd make love whenever she wanted, but I have a feeling that once she saw me naked she wouldn't be able to keep her hands off me. And if that was the case, I'd never wear clothes.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Two days later, at Lima Community Center, where a sign reads, "The Allen County Dance Troupe Presents Their Annual Dream Makers Concert")<em>

"I can't do this," Santana says. "It's not like college where I could seduce women with a snap of my fingers. This actually means something."

"Grow a pair already," Puck tells her. "C'mon, we're meeting everyone in the lobby. I bet they'll have flowers for sale. You should get her some."

They head inside and spot Rachel berating the teenage boy working the concession stand while Finn looked on, clearly embarrassed. Kurt brushes some lint off of his boyfriend's blazer while Quinn fixes Sam's considerably shorter hair. Mike and Tina chat with Mercedes, who doesn't look entirely thrilled to be there. Terri is talking on the phone loudly, apparently to Will, because she keeps slipping his name into their conversation.

"Almost makes me wonder what I've missed," Santana mutters. She spots the flowers table, but doesn't move to go over to it.

Puck notices this and whispers, "I would get them for you, but I'm a little short on cash seeing how I stopped stealing people's lunch money in high school. Do you see that huge bouquet of roses? That's a surefire way to get laid after it's all said and done."

Santana smiles. "Brittany doesn't like roses. Whenever she smells them she's always reminded of that Outkast song of the same name."

"I don't wanna know how you know that," Puck says. "You're like one lock of hair away from certifiably insane."

"Santana!" Terri yells after finishing her phone call. "We have so much to catch up on!"

"Speaking of certifiably insane," Santana says, ignoring Terri.

"I'll save you a seat," Puck tells Santana before disappearing into the dark auditorium.

"Santana, that is no way to treat me," Terri asks. "Even though you moved, I still love you like only a best friend could. Strictly platonic best friends, that is. I don't like you like that. No homo."

"Okay, I'm going to ignore the slight redundancy of that little speech and tell you a secret because I know you'll badger me until you find out something about my personal life," Santana says as most of the people from the office make their way inside.

"Is this about Will?"

"No, why would it be about Will?" Santana says. "I am going to tell Brittany the truth tonight. I just need to figure out a way to get her alone. This is it, Terri. The moment I've been waiting for."

* * *

><p>TERRI: This time of year really is magical, isn't it? A dream is going to come true tonight at the Dream Makers Concert. How apropos. That was today's word on my Word of the Day Calendar. Yesterday's was pusillanimous. I don't remember the definition, but I think it had something to do with lesbians, so that also seems pretty apropos.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Back to the lobby – Santana spots Rachel about to head into the auditorium)<em>

"Rachel!" Santana calls. "I wanna give you something."

Rachel glances at Finn, silently letting him know that it's okay to go inside. "Is it the TI-84 Plus graphing calculator I lent you? Because I know you only used it to play Snake."

"Uh, no, it's not that," Santana says. "Here."

"This is a gift certificate to Breadstix," Rachel states. "Why would you give this to me?"

"Because believe it or not, I felt guilty about tricking you the other day. I know we don't have the greatest relationship, but I crossed a line. I know how badly you wanted to breathe air in the same city as all of those Broadway people you're always yammering on about. So… I'm sorry."

"Thanks, Santana."

"You're welcome, Rachel."

"I used to take ballet when I was younger."

"I did not care to know that, Rachel."

"I'm better than all of the other dancers in there."

"I'm sure you are, Rachel."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: So she <em>is<em> capable of human emotion. Interesting. That was a nice gesture – hey! This coupon's expired. No, wait, it's not. My fault. I read the date wrong. But do not tell anyone that the words "my fault" _ever_ came out of my mouth.

* * *

><p><em>(Backstage, where Brittany is trying to calm her nerves)<em>

"Don't worry," Artie tells her. "You're going to be fine. But if tonight doesn't go well, then maybe trying to revive your dance career isn't meant to be."

"How'd you get back here?" she asks, clearly surprised to see him. "This area is for the dancers only."

"I'm in a wheelchair. I hate to say it, but I can get away with just about anything."

"Artie-"

"I got you these roses," he says, handing them to her. "Break a leg, Brittany."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I hope Santana's in the audience. Then again, Artie's little pep talk only made me more nervous so at the same time I hope she's not. I shouldn't have invited anyone from work. I'm never going to live this down if I mess up. I'll always be known as The Girl Who Sucked at Dancing. Or probably something a bit wittier than that.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The theatre, where Terri takes a seat next to Kurt)<em>

"Blaine, switch with me," Kurt whispers in his boyfriend's ear.

"Why?" Blaine asks.

"I don't want to sit next to my boss. I'm still pissed about her outing me," Kurt explains.

Around the same time Kurt first asks Blaine to switch, Terri does the same with Mercedes.

Mercedes says, "What is so important that you need me to swap seats with you? I'm on the aisle. I prefer being on the aisle. That way if this thing tanks, I can leave."

"I can't sit next to Kurt," Terri whispers. "He still hasn't forgiven me for calling him out as an agent for the Department of Homoland Security."

Mercedes glares at her. "It's not like he's going to stab you in the middle of the recital with an icepick. Or maybe he is. I dunno, but I am not moving from this seat until I see Brittany dance or a baby cries or someone falls off the stage. Once I'm gone you can have my seat, but not before then."

"I'm sorry," a man dressed in all black tells them. "You can't film your reality show in here."

"It's not a reality show, it's a documentary," Terri says. "God, people are so ignorant."

"Well, you'll have to film your documentary after the concert. No cameras allowed."

* * *

><p><em>(The audience files out of the auditorium. Terri spots Artie making his way around to the back of the building, where presumably Brittany is)<em>

"Artie!" Terri calls. "I need you. I parked in a handicap spot and I want you to help convince the guy towing my car that I drove you here."

He turns. "How do you know it's being towed?" he asks.

"Rachel's a little bit psychic and she predicted it right before the show began, but since I wasn't sitting in the aisle seat I couldn't do anything about it," Terri lies. "I'd really appreciate your help."

Santana slips by unnoticed, but stops at the flower stand. "I'll take those wildflowers," she tells the lady. "I'm kind of surprised you're still open."

"People tend to wait until the last minute," the lady tells her. She refuses Santana's money by saying, "It's on the house."

* * *

><p>TERRI: Who ya gonna call? Ter-ri. Doesn't quite have the same ring as Ghostbusters. But I feel good knowing that I did a good deed today. I helped a girl steal a guy's fiancée. I should get a Nobel Prize. Probably not for peace, though. I could see myself winning the Nobel Prize in Bossing. I mean, the mug on my desk does say World's Best Boss. No one gave it to me; I bought it at Spencer's Gifts.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana spots Brittany among all of the other performers and heads over to her)<em>

"You were the best I've ever seen."

"Really?" Brittany says, spinning on her heels to come face to face with Santana.

"Totally. My second favorite part was the girl who spent the whole song waving to her mom," Santana says.

"Yeah, the little kids were adorable."

"I was talking about that one chick in your class," Santana jokes. "I didn't see your parents in the audience," she notes.

"That's the life of paranormal investigators for you; they're always traveling. And apparently Thanksgiving is like, the second most haunted holiday."

Santana smiles. "How are you?" she asks.

"Good. You?"

"Good," Santana answers. "As strange as it seems, I'm glad to be back in Lima. I get to see Puck."

Brittany smiles. "And get some Breadstix in your system."

"That too."

"Are those flowers for me or are they from one of your many female admirers?" Brittany teases.

Santana smiles feebly, but doesn't answer. She just hands them over.

"I miss you, Santana," Brittany says, taking a step forward to accept the flowers. "The other day I was thinking about that time I had a cold and you brought me some tomato soup after one of your sales pitches because you know I like it better than chicken noodle when I'm sick. You went back by your apartment and got it for me, even though you could've gotten in a lot of trouble for skipping."

"Terri dips out all the time. I doubt she would've noticed," Santana replies, rooted to her spot even though Brittany keeps inching closer and closer.

"That's not the only thing you've done for me though. You helped me rediscover my dream. I wouldn't be here tonight if it weren't for-"

"I want to be with you," Santana blurts out.

Brittany, who is clearly taken aback replies, "W-what?"

"I don't want to be with Harmony or any of those other girls. I just want you."

Brittany thinks for a minute. "I like you, Santana," she says. "But Artie and I are engaged."

"Don't do this," Santana says as she starts to cry. "Your feelings for me go deeper than just a crush. This isn't a foray into I Kissed a Girl territory. I _know_ you felt something when we kissed."

"I would totally be with you if it weren't for him," Brittany confesses. "I felt more alive than I've ever felt when I kissed you, but I can't do that to Artie. It's not right."

"Wow. Whoever thought getting second place would feel so shitty."

"Santana…"

"Still, I have to accept that I love you and although you don't feel the same way, I needed you to know. Sorry to spring this on you all of a sudden. I won't bother you again," she says and turns to go.

Brittany tugs at Santana's sleeve, stopping her from leaving. "Santana, we're still best friends. You have no idea how confused and sad I was when you left!"

"No, you know what?" Santana says angrily. "I think I'd rather not have you in my life than try to be your best friend anymore, Britt. I can't listen to you gush about your wedding plans. Not without wishing that I was the one who met you first. I can't meet up with you for coffee or call just to say hello. I can't."

"You don't mean that, do you?" Brittany asks hysterically. "I need you."

"But apparently not like I need you," Santana says coldly.

A tear rolls down Brittany's cheek. "What are you going to do now?"

Santana shrugs, trying to play it off like she doesn't care that Brittany's crying when she so obviously does. "Probably go out on a bar crawl with Puck, drink until I can't see straight and find a Hooters waitress to take me back to her place."

"Santana, how long have you felt this way about me?"

Santana ignores the question. "I'm gonna go now. Your super-devoted, phenomenal fiancé hasn't found you yet to congratulate you on your performance and I doubt he'd want to see you crying."

She leaves Brittany there, too stunned to move.

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot, where Terri is leading Artie on a wild goose chase)<em>

"I can't believe you forgot where you parked your car," Artie says. "It certainly wasn't in one of the handicap spots."

"Imagine that," Terri mutters under her breath.

"I wonder what's taking Brittany so long," Artie blathers. "I thought she would've called me by now. I sent her a text forever ago."

Terri gapes at him. "She may have left already. Why don't I take you home?"

"That's a horrible idea," he tells her.

"Why?"

"Your car's a two-seater and I bet your trunk doesn't have enough room for my chair."

"That's true," Terri agrees. "It's filled with Pottery Barn merchandise that I need to return. I went a little crazy at their Black Friday sale."

* * *

><p>TERRI: I see why he works in the warehouse. He's dumb and gets on my nerves. But that doesn't explain why Emma still works in the office.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany gathers her things slowly, with her phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder)<em>

"I don't know, Mom," she says into the phone. "She said she loves me. I don't know how I didn't realize it before. She's my best friend and- Santana!" she says, dropping her phone when she sees the other girl in front of her.

Santana responds by kissing her. Brittany doesn't give in to the kiss at first, but she slowly begins to reciprocate. "Since I met you," Santana says after they've both pulled away. "Since the day I met you. That's how long. I just needed you to know."

She leaves again without saying another word.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I think I made the wrong choice.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot. Santana storms by Terri and Artie)<em>

"Santana, wait!" Terri calls. "Did it work?"

"Does it look like it worked?" Santana shouts. "I'm driving back to Dayton and with any luck I'll never have to come back to this shithole ever again."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: If Santana's crying, then it's pretty safe to say Brittany is too. I don't know what the hell it is they fight about, but I'm sick and tired of having to pick up the pieces whenever they do. Brittany always talks about Santana like they're best friends, yet Santana's always doing something to upset her.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: I hate that it didn't go as planned, I really do. But you know what they say, "The best laid plans of mice and men…" I don't know how that saying ends so maybe I should think of a better example. Ah, I got it. "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." – Wayne Newton's laws of physics. It means that Santana and Brittany had a fight because somewhere on the other side of the world, a butterfly flapped its wings. It's not the end of their story, though, just the end of a chapter.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office. Anything tarot-related I Googled. Also – a <strong>gunch<strong>, for those not familiar with the term, is defined by Urban Dictionary as "worst word ever... cunt and then some" and "the epitome of everything dirty and nasty" and "a vagina with semen oozing out of it".  
>AN: Sorry for the delay. There were several rewrites so this is basically nothing like what I originally planned. Thanks to all for the reviews! Feel free to check out my tumblr at **hufflepuffandpass . tumblr . com**

* * *

><p>TERRI: A rumor about Mike Chang being a ninja has been floating around since Halloween. I need to know if it's true because if it is, he's finally going to solve my roommate issue. Also known as Operation I-Raccooni Freedom, which is no way a play on words of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Okay, I lied… it is.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri hides in the shrubbery outside the office building, waiting for Mike to arrive in order to ambush him)<em>

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Terri screams as she jumps out of the bushes. "Oh. It's just you. I was hoping for Dunder Mifflin's own _Karate Kid_."

A startled Rachel says, "Terri! I almost blew my rape whistle!"

"That would never do you any good against a real ninja," Terri says. "He'd know thirty ways to kill you with it. Now did you see Mike in the parking lot?"

"He and Tina were chatting in their car."

Terri frowns. "Their perfect relationship disgusts me," she says. "Where's the lies and negativity and suspicion? It's just not normal."

Kurt walks by. "I saw you attack Rachel," he says, holding his hands up defensively. "I have peanuts so stay back!"

Terri recoils. "You're not welcome anyway, Kurt!" she shouts as he makes his way inside. "And that applies only to this conversation and is in no way a disparaging remark about your sexuality," she adds, speaking directly into the camera.

"That word of the day calendar is paying off marvelously," Rachel comments.

"Believe me, I know. Now hide! I think I hear the Wu-Tang Clan coming!"

Rachel doesn't have time to respond before she's yanked into the bushes. Terri silently counts down from three with her fingers and the two women jump out at Mike and Tina.

Mike reacts by squirting both of them with the pepper spray on his keychain.

"MOTHER F –" Terri cries out in agony, rolling around on the ground. "I would've rather eaten the peanut! What the hell, Mike!"

"I thought you were trying to mug us!" Mike says.

Terri whines, "I wanted to unleash your inner Kung Fu Panda, not blind me with Tina's lady demon sprinkler thingy!"

Mike frowns. "It's mine, actually."

"Whatever!" Rachel moans as tears stream down her face. "Pepper spray _definitely_ trumps rape whistle."

"Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom and help you wash it out," Tina says gently.

"No!" Terri whines, rubbing at her eyes. "He has to spray himself first! It's only fair!"

"Tina –" Mike protests.

Tina sighs. "They'll never shut up until you do."

"And I'll know if you're lying because Tina is the most honest person in the office besides myself," Terri adds. "I'm practically George Washington, if you didn't know."

* * *

><p>MIKE: Tina, I wish I could see your beautiful face. This is worse than that time Terri ran me over with her car! Tina, why aren't you saying anything? Tina? Tina!<br>TINA: I'm right next to you, Mike… and you just grabbed my breast. Your temporary blindness is no excuse to grope me at work.  
>MIKE: What about all of those times we fooled around in the supply closet?<br>TINA: Okay, it's no excuse to grope me at work where other people can see.

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton – Santana and Jesse bump into each other in the parking lot)<em>

"Santana, you look lovely as always."

"I'm not really in the mood for your pickup lines," Santana says as she fumbles around in her purse.

"Bitch please," Jesse scoffs, "I already know you want nothing to do with me sexually; it was merely a compliment. If I _was_ coming onto you, I would've totally unhooked your bra by now."

Santana gives him her patented eye roll. "What do you want?"

"Look, I don't know if anybody's told you this, but you're in a funk. The other day you started crying because you ran out of tissues," Jesse says. "I would say I've never seen anything so pathetic, but I've been to a _Wiggles_ concert."

* * *

><p>JESSE: Please tell me I'm not the only one who noticed she needs to get her eyebrows waxed. I would've mentioned it, but I have the feeling it would've really set her off. The last thing I need is for her to slash my tires. Or kick me in the balls.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: So I've been less pleasant than usual. So what? I just want people to leave me the hell alone. No particular reason. But if you value your ability to have children, I'd suggest you gets that camera out my face – before I go <em>all<em> Lima Heights.

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany's sitting at the reception desk typing furiously on her computer when Terri walks in)<em>

"Good, you're here," Brittany says. "I finished organizing those files you told me to take care of last March. I also dusted the empty bookshelves in your office. Maybe you should actually get some books. And don't forget that Will's coming in today – oh my God! Terri, what happened to your eyes? They're all bloodshot! Are you okay?"

"I got sprayed," Terri tells her woefully.

"Is that the same as gettin' high?" April chimes in from nearby. "Because if it is, I wanna 'get sprayed' too. And if it's a sexual thing, my answer's still the same."

Terri ignores April. "But you never organize anything," she tells Brittany. "You hardly know how to answer a phone. Oh, I know what it is. You've actually been helpful lately because you're trying to keep your mind off of–"

"Ah, I see Terri wasn't the only one 'getting sprayed'," April says with a wink to Mike and Rachel, who unknowingly spare Brittany. "But then, the best things come in threes! Blind mice, musketeers, Harry Potter books…"

"There are seven Harry Potters," Rachel informs her.

"Really?" April says, asking Mike for confirmation. "That still doesn't explain why they made nine films. Ain't that right, Matt?"

* * *

><p>APRIL: His name's not Matt? But there <em>was<em> a Matt at one point, right? Okay, good. For a second there I was starting to think I was goin' crazy!

* * *

><p>MIKE: I have a feeling that things are going downhill from here today. Although I'm not quite sure how that's possible. I freaking sprayed myself with mace.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Am I trying to distract myself from thinking about Santana? No… no. Those files were… they needed… Okay, fine. I am.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The Dayton Branch – Santana walks past a group of her male coworkers whose names she never bothered to learn)<em>

"What's the difference between a slut and a bowling ball?" one of them asks. "You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball! Wait, wait, wait. I got more. How can you tell when a blonde's having a bad day?"

"Santana! Come join us!" another calls.

She rolls her eyes. "No thanks," she says. "Not really a fan of blonde jokes."

"What's the matter gunch, you too good for us all of a sudden?" the first man asks. "Or are you too busy thinking about those Lima losers you used to work with and how they're about to get laid off?"

She turns her attention to her computer screen instead of slashing him with her vicious words, despite looking slightly morose. Her attempt at drowning out their conversation is futile, however.

"Everything all right, boys?" Holly asks as she's passing by. Santana looks up.

"Yeah," one of them replies, "just finishing our morning break."

"Well heads up, you might wanna get back to the grind 'cause I'm in the mood to recite one of my def poetry jams," Holly tells them. After they scatter, she turns to Santana and says, "I thought you were the kind of woman who could stick up for herself, Sweet Cheeks, but you've been moping around here like your family got deported."

Santana scowls. "I'm a third-generation American."

"Still, it's not like you to get pushed around," Holly says kindly. "Usually you're the one doing the pushing."

"Have you… have you ever had your heart broken?" Santana asks, feeling vulnerable.

"Sorry kiddo, just like you're the pusher, I'm the heartbreaker," Holly replies. She raises her eyebrow at Mack – who is eavesdropping. "I know that this is going to sound insensitive, but quit feeling sorry for yourself. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Find a rebound. Buy a pet lizard. Get a hobby or _something_."

"I have been neglecting my knitting lately," Santana jokes half-heartedly, but feeling better already.

Holly laughs. "That is not something I ever expected to come out of your mouth."

"You know what? From this moment on, Santana Lopez is back. Like that baby shampoo says, no more tears."

"Atta girl!" Holly says, wrapping an arm around Santana's shoulder. "Y'know, that guy tells the same joke to everyone who walks in here. I don't remember the first part, but I know the punch line is, 'She has a tampon tucked behind her ear and can't find her pencil'. Anyway, let's get lunch soon. I'm thinking tacos."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Holly's pretty boss – as far as bosses go. I wasn't so sure about her at first, but she's grown on me over the past couple months. You could say she's the mentor I never had. Thanks to her I'm totally addicted to <em>Animal Hoarders<em> and just the other day I bought this bitchin' Jazzercise dvd. I've also been eating a lot more tacos… and I just realized how that last part sounded.

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany is going over a wedding checklist)<em>

"Hey Brittany," Tina says unsurely. "I wanna try something."

"I didn't think you and Mike were into threesomes," Brittany comments.

"We're not," Tina says, shaking her head. "But I spent the better part of my morning washing pepper spray out of his, Rachel, and Terri's eyes so I figure I deserve a break."

"What did you have in mind?" Brittany asks as she waves to Will, who's passing by.

Tina pulls out an unusual-looking deck of cards from behind her back and begins to shuffle them. "It's tarot," she explains.

"Like fortune telling?" Brittany asks curiously.

"It's not so much predicting things as it is insight into your life right now."

"And here I was hoping you'd be able to tell me if Lord Tubbington will ever find true love," Brittany jokes. "What do I have to do?"

"Cut the deck," Tina instructs. "I'll take it from there."

"Sorry, ladies," Emma says, "Will's about to start the meeting."

* * *

><p>EMMA: I didn't go to the reconciliation dinner with my ex-husband. It's because I like someone else, but he's <em>supposedly<em> in a relationship. Supposedly being the key word because I really think it depends on who you ask. I wonder what the raccoon has to say about it.

* * *

><p>TINA: I paid my way through college as The Asian Telepathic Sensation. You'd be surprised how many of my classmates came to see me during finals thinking I had all the answers to their tests. Then again, if you've ever been in college, maybe you wouldn't. Either way, I still got the money. No results guaranteed.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The Lima Branch, where everyone is looking slightly solemn as Will addresses the room)<em>

"Everyone, I have an announcement to make," Will says.

"We're doomed…" Mike whispers to Tina.

"I'm afraid there's no possible way for you to outsell Dayton," Will continues.

"Told you," Mike mutters.

No one is more shocked than Rachel. "But we still have three weeks!" she argues. "That's _plenty_ of time for a comeback!"

"I accept full responsibility," Will adds. "I should've kept Terri under constant supervision."

Terri smirks. "Even when I shower? Because now that we're dating..."

Emma tries her best not to roll her eyes. It's a difficult task. "So basically you're saying it's her fault that we got so far behind?" she asks.

"Yes and no," Will says. "She _is_ the regional manager and should've done a better job supervising you guys. But it's also not her fault because the folks in Dayton banded together and worked practically around the clock to ensure their jobs would be safe."

"I know for a fact that's true," Puck says, as he is required to attend as warehouse foreman. "Even Santana brought work home and you _know_ her nights are devoted to shitty tv shows, takeout, and beer… and sometimes knitting."

"So what am I supposed to do now?" Rachel says, outraged.

Will clears his throat. "You'll receive severance packages-"

"That's not what I meant," Rachel snaps. "I am a _paper_ saleswoman. Am I merely to relegate myself to selling overpriced ink cartridges at Staples or should I give up the gun and start selling my body for food stamps?"

"Rachel," Will says. "If you're worried about finding another job, I would be glad to write you an excellent letter of recommendation. And I'm sure Terri would do the same. That goes for all of you."

"Even Finn?" Lauren wonders aloud while glaring at him. "Because yesterday I spotted him counting on his fingers instead of using a calculator."

* * *

><p>WILL: I'll admit; I have a soft spot in my heart for Finn. I don't know what it is about him that's just so <em>likeable<em>. He really can do no wrong in my eyes. Thank goodness I won't have to write a referral for Santana. Never cared for her.

* * *

><p>SAM: This is just great. I'm going to have to be the new guy somewhere else now. Oh well. Maybe I'll have better luck at my next job 'cause here I scored more chicks than sales… and I only got one chick.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: This is more disappointing than the time I thought <em>Playboy<em> was a theatre magazine.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Luckily for me and the boys downstairs Mr. Figgins offered us jobs with his refrigeration company after the Lima Branch folds. He's like the coolest dude ever. I can't understand what he's saying, but he never rats me and the boys out when he catches us drinking beer in the warehouse. He just tells us to enjoy our cream sodas.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Outside of the building, where Rachel is sitting on a bench glumly)<em>

"You look like one of those emu kids," April comments.

"You're welcome to join me. Misery does love company, after all," says Rachel.

April lights a cigarette. "So do kidnappers. I should know – I've been on both ends of _that_ spectrum!"

"I'll take your word for it," Rachel tells her as she waves away a puff of smoke. When April doesn't respond, she continues, "I love this job. Other than my farm and my dads, it's kind of all I have."

April shrugs and takes another drag of her cigarette, looking out at the parking lot. "Things don't always go accordin' to plan. I've had _dozens_ of jobs! Sure, I got fired from most of them – usually for drinkin' during my shift – but I got to meet lots of weird-ass people and visit some places I never would've gone otherwise."

"If you say so," Rachel says, still unconvinced.

"If there's one thing I've learned in all my years," April begins, "it's that if you ain't havin' fun, you ain't really livin'."

* * *

><p>APRIL: Do I think I helped Rachel? I don't see how I could… I was talking to myself the entire time. I was mostly lost in Rhodes Island. That's what I call my mind!<p>

* * *

><p>RACHEL: You know you're in a bad place when you start taking advice from April. She does, however, have a point about enjoying life. I wonder if Finn would be opposed to eloping.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office, where she and Will are discussing the announcement he just made)<em>

"What's going to happen, Will?" Terri asks as she looks out the window of her office and into the main room where everyone is chatting about the latest development.

"They'll be back on their feet before you know it," Will promises.

"Not them; _me_. I can't go back to being an assistant manager at Sheets N' Things! I hated it there. I wasn't allowed to nap in the model beds and I didn't have my own office to sleep in, either!" Terri says hysterically.

"Wait, do you sleep in _here_?"

"Silly Will, does it even matter at this point?" she replies before adding, "Are _we_ going to be okay? This isn't going to affect our relationship, is it?"

"We'll be fine, Terri," Will sighs, sounding slightly resigned.

Terri smiles instantly and takes a step forward. "I believe you. Now let's make out. Y'know, in honor of all of us about to lose our jobs and stuff."

* * *

><p>WILL: Would it be the worst thing in the world if Terri had to move out of state to find a new job? I don't think I'd be heartbroken, if that's what you're getting at.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: I like to think of us as our own little family. Will, me and the raccoon makes three. Do you think I could find a bonnet to go on his head? The raccoon; not Will. Although I bet I can find one large enough to fit over Will's curls.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dave and Mack sit in the Dayton break room)<em>

"I'm telling you, I saw Jesse and Santana in the parking lot earlier and they looked like they were talking," Dave says.

"What's so unusual about that?" Mack asks.

"There was no bloodshed!" he shouts.

Mack sighs. "They can be friends, Dave. It's not like they'll ever be more than that."

"At the rate you're going, you'll never be more than friends with her either."

* * *

><p>MACK: Bastard's got point.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima, where everyone is neglecting their work – including Rachel)<em>

"I never thought I'd say this, but I want to go out with a bang," Rachel says to Puck.

"There's some storage bins down in the warehouse. No one will even notice we're gone," he replies.

"Ugh, that's so not what I meant. Besides, I like Finn. Even if he won't elope with me."

"So if you don't wanna do the dirty, what did you have in mind?" Puck asks.

She smiles. "I was thinking we could… have a party."

"My house is out," Puck tells her. "Last time I threw a party there I got a misdemeanor from the Lima PD. I'll admit, my sister's Bat Mitzvah _was_ getting a little out of hand, but there was no need to bring out the cuffs. Not my fault they found my booze all on their own! Luckily the charges were dropped and the worst thing that happened was Rabbi Greenburg's niece-"

Rachel's eyes widen. "I don't want to know. And I just thought of something… we can have it at my farm!"

"Great!" Puck says. "I know the _perfect_ theme."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: How did I get into farming? In high school, I was a member of <em>every<em> club and that included FFA – that's Future Farmers of America – although I heavily protested anything having to do with slaughtering, strangling, or generally harming animals. Coincidentally at Berry Farms we do not cultivate berries. But I do grow soybeans. Also, it's not to be confused with Knott's Berry Farm. I get that a lot.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Let's face it: Rachel's kind of a square. She wears the strangest sweaters I've ever seen and refuses to let me touch her boobs as a Hanukkah present. Trust me, I ask for the same thing every year. But if she wants to make this party a success, she's gotta let me call the shots. That's why I'm going to make a deal with the devil more commonly known as Sugar.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany is looking at wedding dresses online)<em>

"So should I continue your reading now that the end is near?" Tina asks. "Because I know we didn't get very far, but there's one card that already threw me for a loop –"

"Actually I want to ask you a question. Do you think you could design my wedding invitations and save the dates?" Brittany says. "I was thinking about maybe in one of the corners having the outline of two cats and their noses are touching. Lord Tubbington is like my baby and Artie already said no to letting him attend the ceremony and I want LT to feel like he's involved."

"Awww, that's sweet," Tina says.

"Wow. I was worried you were going to think it was crazy," Brittany says, relieved.

"It is. But it's also sweet. What are you going to do with Lord Tubbington when you go on your honeymoon?"

Brittany frowns.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I was going to ask Santana, but that's not really an option anymore. Somehow I don't think she'll really want to be my maid of honor either.<p>

* * *

><p>TINA: I like that Brittany and I are both engaged because we can talk about this sort of thing, but I don't think she'll actually get married – to Artie, at least. It's not in the cards… Literally.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office. Will is packing up his briefcase)<em>

"Don't go," Terri pleads. "Stay here and have lunch with me."

"Sorry. I have to drive to Dayton today and meet Holly."

"Holly?" Terri says in disbelief. "You're going to meet with _Holly_?"

"Well, she _is_ the manager over there. And if all goes well at least a few people from Lima can transfer over there after this branch closes."

"That's an excellent idea. Any chance they want a new manager instead of that washed up, overrated, untrustworthy bimbo?" Terri asks, discretely texting under her desk.

Will laughs. "Will it make you feel better if I stay for a few more minutes?"

* * *

><p>TERRI: He thinks I'm kidding, but I'm not. I hate her. What makes Holly Holiday so great anyway? I'm blonde too and I think we all can agree that I'm the <em>way<em> cooler boss. I have a raccoon.

* * *

><p><em>(The Dayton Branch - Santana is in the break room munching on a cheeseburger)<em>

Jesse slides into the seat next to her. "I thought you were a vegetarian," he says.

Santana shrugs. "I lied. Besides, you saw me chowing down at Puck's."

"Remembering details about other people was never my forte," Jesse replies. "See, this is what I love about our friendship. We can be so open and honest with each other. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm not telling _you_," Santana snarls.

"But we have so much in common! We both have… siblings?"

"Only child."

"See? We do have stuff in common. I'm the only child that matters in my family!"

"Ugh, whatever, this is probably going to bite me in the ass, but I didn't exactly sweep Brittany off her feet," Santana says. "She picked a _cripple_ over me – so I'm taking Puck and Holly's advice and moving on."

Jesse nods. "And mine. That's totally my advice too. Also, be sure to take care of that unibrow you've got going on. Now who's Brittany again?"

"You're such an asshole," she tells him. "But I guess our similar personalities make for some entertaining banter."

Dave, listening from the doorway, coughs. "Hey guys," he says, feeling awkward for intruding on their conversation. "When did you two get so close?"

"We're _not_," Santana insists.

"Since the day you stopped being there for her," Jesse says defensively.

Santana glares at him.

"What are you talking about?" Dave asks.

Jesse shrugs. "You never showed up on Thanksgiving."

"I said I _might_ drop by!" Dave maintains.

"Might only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades," Jesse adds. "Or something like that. Now do us all a favor and vanish before I'm forced to call animal control on your grizzly ass."

"Listen, punk –"

"Both of you shut up!" Santana shouts. "You're fighting worse than my parents after the maid found my Playboy stash!"

* * *

><p>DAVE: What is so great about Jesse anyway? Besides his hair and his fashion sense and his breathy voice… which I totally don't find attractive or anything…<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: Aren't these boots exquisite? I paid full retail price. Oh that back there? I could've taken him. But there was a table in the way, lucky for me. I mean for him! Lucky for him.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Did I enjoy watching two grown men – one totally gay and the other, by my estimations, 93% gay – fight over me? Maybe if they had thrown a punch or something. I broke that shit up <em>way<em> too soon.

* * *

><p><em>(Filming from the Lima Branch conference room, the camera zooms in on Lauren in the parking lot. She's letting the air out of someone's tires. Then the scene cuts to Tina, busy typing away on her computer)<em>

"I don't think you actually have to do any work, T. This place is _Dunder Mifflin Gone Wild_," Mike tells her as April whizzes by on a scooter. "Rachel even took off her sweater! Granted, she had another sweater on underneath it, but it's the most carefree she's ever been."

"Oh, I'll only be a minute. Then we can go to lunch," she responds. "By the way, have you noticed that Brittany's been acting really strange lately?"

"You mean stranger than usual?"

Tina nods. "She's like, hyper-focused on the wedding. And she hasn't gone a day without sobbing since around Thanksgiving. Yesterday she cried because the microwave is still broken. Then again, April did too, but _that's_ a daily occurrence for some reason."

"And you want to help her?" Mike guesses. "Brittany, I mean."

"She already asked me to design her wedding invitations and stuff," Tina says. "But I'm also looking into something else for her."

Mike kisses her on the cheek. "Whatever it is, I'm sure she'll love it."

* * *

><p>TINA: I finished her reading. Her cards represented difficulty, dishonesty, selfishness and sadness. Then there was the devil card. But I kind of forgot what that meant, so I have to look it up.<p>

* * *

><p>MIKE: I don't need to look at tarot cards to know how bad Brittany and Artie's relationship sucks.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany brings Artie his lunch down in the warehouse)<em>

"Hey!" she tells him. "Guess what I've been doing."

"Uh, I dunno. Watching videos of cats again?" Artie guesses.

"Besides that," Brittany says cheerfully.

"I'm not really in the mood for guessing games, Britt. Puck still hasn't come back from his hour and a half lunch and I'm trying to get this shipment out," Artie says as he holds his sandwich in one hand and his clipboard in the other.

"I was working on our wedding plans," she says. "Everything's starting to come together, but there's still so much to do."

"Don't worry about that. You'll have plenty of time once you're laid off," Artie says absentmindedly. "And at least you won't have to use any vacation days for the honeymoon since every day will be a vacation. But for now, why don't you go back to playing secretary? I have real work to do."

Brittany storms off without a word.

* * *

><p>ARTIE: I guess I'm banished to the couch for the time being. It's too bad 'cause my Xbox is in the bedroom and all we have in the living room is Lord Tubbington's Wii Fit. Technically I could just move the Xbox out there with me, but the last time I did that Brittany said I introduced him to a world of violence that no cat should ever see. She didn't appreciate it when I told her that she needed to stop letting him watch Quentin Tarantino movies then.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri talks on the phone while ignoring all of the chaos going on outside her office)<em>

"Honestly the smart thing to do would be to turn around and come back to Lima. You're not supposed to drive very far on your spare and you can spend the night with me," Terri says into the phone as Rachel enters her office. "Fine. Go back to your own lonely, raccoon-free apartment. Talk to you later."

"Was that Will?" Rachel asks.

Terri nods. "He had a totally unexpected flat tire on his way to Dayton."

"That's odd," Rachel says.

"Completely," Terri agrees, not meeting Rachel's eye before turning her attention to her computer monitor. "Rachel, did you need something? I'm a little busy right now creating a fake E-Harmony profile for Homewrecker Holly that says she has monkey pox. Ah, crap. I need a credit card. Let me use yours. I've already maxed out my Pottery Barn one for the month."

"I'm not about to make the same mistake twice," Rachel refuses. "I came in here to tell you about this awesome theme party I'm having tonight at my farm. I want us all to leave DuMi LiBra as friends so in order to do that I still need to make friends with… almost everybody."

* * *

><p>TERRI: So Rachel has a farm, huh? I wonder if I can leave the raccoon there. Never mind. The damn thing's probably smart enough to find its way back. It managed to figure out how to use the microwave. Then again, that could've just been my landlord, Howard. He likes to watch the food revolve almost as much as April does. But maybe I should be more concerned about my landlord coming into my apartment for no good reason.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany is filing a few things)<em>

"I got an invitation to Rachel Berry's 40s Party Extravaganza," she tells the camera. "It took Rachel fourteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds to design these and print them up for everybody. I know this because she timed herself. So why isn't Tina done with my save the dates? She's had forever."

The phone rings and Brittany groans. She answers saying, "Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch. This is Brittany."

"_Hello Bethany_," comes the voice on the other end of the line. "_This is Sue Sylvester, CFO speaking. I take it you've heard of me_."

"Yes ma'am. You're my boss's boss's boss –"

"_That wasn't a question. Is that unexceptionally bland Justin Timberlake imitator Will Schuester still there_?" Sue pauses before adding, "_That was a question_."

"Will left, but called a few minutes ago saying he was having car trouble," Brittany explains. "I patched him through to Terri, but not before he mentioned his phone was almost dead."

"_That sounds suspiciously convenient, but I have more important things to do than coddle him and his smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom chin. I'll harass him tomorrow. Becky – get my keys. We're going to the shooting range with Dick Cheney so I can teach him how to distinguish a quail from a human – in case he ever wants to shoot a quail. Later, Brenda."_

"Bye," Brittany says as Rachel darts by her with a streamer in hand.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Rachel on Red Bull was like Lord Tubbington on catnip. A deadly combination. But Party Rachel's kinda funny. I just wish her party was only for people who actually work in the office. Because I'm pretty upset with Artie and seeing Puck reminds me of… of… I can't even say her name. I wonder if she'll show up tonight.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton, where Holly is painting her nails in her office)<em>

"Here's those files you wanted. Hey – wasn't Will supposed to stop by today?" Mack asks as she drops a stack of papers off.

"You're right," Holly replies, "he was. And people think _I'm_ flaky!"

"That's not like Will at all," Mack comments casually. "Thanks for cheering Santana up, by the way."

Holly stops applying her second coat of polish. "I wouldn't have had to if you just done what I asked and kept her happy. Sure, she was fine before Thanksgiving, but her sales this month have been terrible! She couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat. Don't get me wrong; she can be a good salesman when she wants to be – hell, she may even be our best seller – but she doesn't hold a candle to a girl called Rachel Berry. And Rachel Berry's not the kind to go down without a fight. The folks at the Lima Branch are probably working their fingers bare to the bone!"

"I've tried, okay? Santana's just not interested in me… and she's kind of oblivious to the fact that I'm interested in her."

Holly's phone rings.

"I'd better take that," she says coolly.

* * *

><p>MACK: I like Holly a lot less these days. She used to be so much friendlier. The first time I worked here, she used to dress up like Mary Todd Lincoln and stuff. Once she even came in dressed as a hermaphrodite Nazi sympathizer. That was one Tuesday I'll never forget.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The Lima Branch parking lot, where Puck is looking at his watch and tapping his foot impatiently)<em>

"I'm here!" Sugar proclaims as she steps out of her car.

"You got all the stuff I asked for?" Puck asks.

Sugar saunters toward him. "Of course. You know, you're really lucky my uncle owns a liquor store and that he gave me a good deal since I was buying in bulk."

"I know, I know," Puck says. "You're a lifesaver."

"Is that a pet name? I totally see your logic. Lifesavers are candy and candy's made of sugar," she says, causing Puck to cringe. "I'm also blessed with super good looks, a ginormous brain, and a silky-smooth singing voice."

"Uh, sure," Puck says as he pops open the trunk and begins to load things onto a handcart.

"Is that for the party tonight?" Mercedes asks as she stops on the way to her car.

"Sure is. You're dipping out early, I see," Puck grins. "It's like 3:30, Mercedes."

Mercedes shrugs. "I have a Get Out of Dunder Mifflin Free card which may or may not just be a Get Out of Jail Free Card."

"Sound legit," Puck says.

"So can I come to this party or not?" Sugar whines, drawing the attention back to her.

Puck runs a hand through his Mohawk. "Kind of a Dunder Mifflin-only thing. Mercedes isn't inviting her husband."

"That's because he's in the doghouse," Mercedes tells them.

"Fine," Sugar relents, "but you're keeping up your end of the bargain, Puck. Remember, as of this afternoon, we're Facebook Official."

"A promise is a promise," Puck says with a cheesy smile.

* * *

><p>PUCK: I never said for how long.<p>

* * *

><p>SUGAR: When you're good to Motta, Motta's good to you. I can't wait to see the look of surprise on my boyfriend's face when I crash his party. The only thing that's going to drop faster than his jaw is his pants when he sees me!<p>

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Shane and I don't have many rules at our house. He's free to do pretty much whatever he wants – like drink milk right out of the carton or leave the toilet seat up for example. But there is one thing I will not tolerate. He ate the last of the tater tots without replacing it with a new bag. That's why he's in the doghouse. And he ain't gettin' out anytime soon.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The Dayton Branch – closing time)<em>

"Hey Santana, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to do something tonight," Mack asks.

"Oh, hey," Santana replies, the invitation catching her off-guard. "Sure. That… that sounds like fun."

"We can always invite the guys, too, if you want," Mack adds nervously. "So that it's more of a group thing, I mean."

"No," Santana says, "I think they've had enough excitement for one day. How about we go get some drinks? Olive Garden's right around the corner. Just don't ask me to eat their food because it's like dog food compared to Breadstix."

Mack laughs. "Okay."

Santana smiles back. "I have one more condition. No cameras. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm under a microscope."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Seriously, beat it.<p>

* * *

><p>MACK: Isn't she great?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Puck parks his truck outside of what is presumably Rachel's barn)<em>

"Ah, you made it!" Rachel tells him.

"Yeah, got all the beer and stuff in the back," Puck says before he notices her attire. "Why are you dressed like a mechanic? You always wear skirts or dresses; I even assume you sleep in them."

"I'm Rosie the Riveter," Rachel explains. "I thought it was obvious. Where's your costume, by the way? Is it still in your truck?"

"Costume? Why the hell would I need a costume for a forties party?" Puck asks.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: A forties party celebrates an era that saw the end of World War II and produced some of the most influential films of the century such as <em>Casablanca<em>, _Citizen Kane,_ and _It's a Wonderful Life_. Whatever Puck had in mind is probably better suited for a trailer park in West Lima where all the crackheads live.

* * *

><p>PUCK: A forties party is where you duct tape a forty ounce bottle of beer to each of your hands. You have to drink them both before you're allowed to pee. Unless, of course, you have someone who's willing to lend a helping hand. The only person I really trust with that task is Santana, but even then her aim is only about ninety percent accurate.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Berry Farms – most guests have arrived so Rachel takes the opportunity to make an announcement)<em>

"Remember, not only is this a fully operational farm, it is also a bed and breakfast so anyone too drunk to drive can crash here for the night! We only have three rooms available though, so drink wisely! Also, don't let Cousin Jacob creep you out. Okay, he creeps me out too and he isn't actually my cousin. On second thought, I'll send him home. And thank you all for complying with the theme, except for Puck, of course. Although you are free to indulge in his theme as well! Let's party!" Rachel says, and then hops off the chair she was standing on.

"Nobody's joining me," Puck complains to her. "And I don't know why. Hey, do you mind scratching my nose?"

Rachel ignores him and chooses instead to greet Quinn – who has just walked in with Sam. "What are you wearing?" Rachel asks dubiously.

"I'm Rosie the Riveter!" Quinn says.

"False! _I am_," Rachel replies before adding, "Clearly."

Quinn notices Rachel's outfit for the first time and says, "No, you're some other badly dressed 1940s factory worker."

"I hate to tell you this, Quinn, but that bandana isn't even consistent with the time period! It's like you didn't even use the poster as a template," Rachel says with a laugh. "When I was in the Renaissance Club in high school I designed all of the dresses for our madrigal so I know the difference between a good costume and a cheap imitation when I see one."

"Well you know what I'd like to see?" Puck says as he puts an arm around both of them, careful not to spill any beer. "Rosie the Riveter make out with herself."

Rachel and Quinn continue to glare at each other while Puck makes his way over to Sam.

"Who are you supposed to be? Popeye?" he asks.

"I'm that sailor from the V-J Day kiss," Sam explains. "But I don't know why Quinn's not the nurse. She always wants to do couple stuff. I wanted to be Captain America."

"I got a solution that doesn't really solve your problems, but it'll make you feel a hell of a lot better," Puck says. "All you need is two beer bottles and someone else to duct tape them to your hands. Oh, and you might wanna take a piss beforehand."

* * *

><p>SAM: Quinn tries really hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but sometimes her best isn't enough. Just the other night she suggested we watch <em>Indiana Jones and the Legends of the Hidden Temple<em>. In her defense if that was a real movie it couldn't be any worse than _Kingdom of the Crystal Skull_.

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's house – living room)<em>

"Did anyone remember to invite Emma?" Terri asks loudly. "Nobody? Okay good. She's a party pooper anyway."

"And she always smells too clean!" April adds. "Like soap!"

"Yeah, that would concern you," Terri mutters.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Did I bring the raccoon? No. For one thing I was worried he'd try and attack me while driving. I don't have a pet carrier for him because he's not technically my pet. For another, I straight up forgot him.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's house, upstairs – Brittany is in line for the restroom)<em>

"I've been looking everywhere for you," Tina proclaims.

"You have?" Brittany asks unsurely.

"And I've been looking for Rachel, but I can't find her anywhere," Finn interjects as he passes by him.

"Yeah. You know that tarot reading I did? There was one card that really bugged me and I still can't figure out why," Tina says.

Brittany tilts her head. "What is it?"

"The devil card," Tina replies.

"You mean I'm haunted? Is this like _Paranormal Activity_ because my parents are ghost hunters and they always said I had a strange aura."

"No, Britt. The devil is symbolically preventing you from doing something else. In this case, I think there's something stopping you from going through with your wedding," Tina explains.

"That's crazy, Tina. Planning these things take a while. And I love Artie."

"I'm not saying you don't," Tina says. "But maybe you're not in a good place in your relationship. Maybe _you're_ the one holding back. Sure, he held off on giving you a ring, but you never seemed to mind. Maybe I'm just telling you something you already know deep down in your heart. You shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve. And you deserve happiness, Brittany. Don't you think so?"

Brittany looks at the now-empty restroom. "I gotta pee."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Now I know I made the wrong choice.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's kitchen – where Puck is unsuccessfully trying to scoop some food between the bottles taped to his hands when his phone starts vibrating)<em>

"Hey reach into my pocket, will ya?" Puck asks Kurt.

Kurt backs away. "I only play that game with Blaine," he says.

"My phone's ringing! Help a dude out," Puck says. "And, uh, do you mind holding it to my ear while I talk?"

Kurt rolls his eyes, but complies.

Puck grins. "You're go for Puck," he says.

"_I'm at a bar with a girl."_

Puck grins. "Got room for one more?"

"_It's Tana, you gunch."_

"What's a gunch?" Puck asks.

"_I don't know exactly. I got called one today at work so I assume it's offensive – that's why I repeated it to you."_

"Can you hurry this up? My hand's starting to cramp," Kurt tells him.

"_Who was that? Are you with Sugar? Oh my God, she better not be giving you a handjob right now!"_

"Nah, I'm at Rachel's party. Never thought I'd say those words, but whatever. Remember when we used to have forties parties all the time? Apparently everyone thinks that means the 1840s or some shit," Puck says.

"_Are you talking about the duct tape thing? That's called Edward Fortyhands. No wonder people had no clue what you meant, dumbass. Anyway, I need your advice. I'm in the bathroom of Olive Garden and I'm running out of interesting stories to tell her."_

"Why talk at all when you could be doing it?" Puck says. "Where'd you meet this one anyway?"

"_Work."_

"Damn, what is it with you and girls you meet at Dunder Mifflin, Santana?"

"_Puck are you _insane_? What if someone overheard you?"_

"I already knew. But I think you should go for it, Santana," Kurt advises into the phone.

"_Kurt? Is that you? Congrats on coming out at work, by the way. After all it's what's in your heart, not in your pants. I gotta go, though. I think this lady's about to take a massive dump. Bye guys."_

"Remember, STDs are a myth and like you always tell me, 'put a hoodie on your woody'. Later!" Puck calls as Kurt closes the phone. "Okay, now slide it back in my pocket."

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's living room – where Mike and April are chatting)<em>

"So's then he says to me, 'Wasn't that picture centered above the bed last time I was here?' And I said, 'I have a lot of wild animal sex so it depends.'" April tells Mike – who is mortified.

He goes to move away, but is stopped by Lauren. "Ah, just the guy I wanted to see," she says. "I have a new product for you."

"No thanks," he tells her. "Tina and I are out of debt now. Besides, we're trying to cut back on the sex toys."

Lauren frowns harder, which Mike didn't think was possible. "This is something else. Since our branch is in the crapper, I devised a new moneymaking scheme. I'm selling fweed."

"Are we about to get sprayed?" April asks excitedly.

"Don't let her trap you, April. It's a vicious cycle," Mike says as he heads upstairs.

* * *

><p>APRIL: Wait, you mean fweed stands for fake weed? What kind of rip-off is that? I was hopin' the F meant… a-ffordable. Silent A.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's porch – where Brittany is sitting on a rocking chair and looking out onto the fields)<em>

"There you are," Artie says. "I was wondering where you went."

"I didn't feel like partying," Brittany says sadly.

"Is this because I don't let you drink to the point where you turn into a stripper anymore?" he asks.

Brittany slides her engagement ring off her finger and back on again. "No… it's because I've been avoiding you."

"Look, I know you're still mad about what I said –"

"It's not that, Artie."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't think we should get married," Brittany admits. "I… I have feelings for someone else."

Artie takes a deep breath. "What?" he demands. "Is it Puck?"

"No –"

"It's Sam then. I've heard about how you look at him from the reception desk."

"It's not him either. It's –"

"Then is it Finn?" Artie interrupts, his voice cracking.

"Santana," Brittany breathes out. "It's Santana. I'm sorry."

She places her ring in the palm of his hand and goes back inside the house.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'm not quite ready to leave the party yet. And no, that isn't a metaphor for my relationship with Artie. I just want to have some fun for once and stop worrying about constantly embarrassing him. But most of all, I wanna get hammered and call Santana.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's kitchen – where Sam is having the same problem as Puck; he can't pick anything up)<em>

"I see you joined the chump brigade," Mercedes says as she watches him struggle to pick up a hot dog. "At first I couldn't understand why you'd ever listen to one of Puck's dumb ideas, but then I remembered that I work with you and I witness stuff like this firsthand."

"That's way harsh," Sam tells her. "Do you mind putting that wiener in my mouth?"

"Okay, that's tied for the unintentionally gayest thing I've heard all night," Kurt says as he passes through the kitchen.

Mercedes does Sam a favor and obliges. "Where's Quinn? Aren't you two surgically attached at the lips or something?"

"She's been fighting with Rachel all night. It's kind of a nice break, not always having to be together," Sam says.

"I know exactly what you mean. Shane's been driving me up the wall lately."

Sam smiles. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"Ella Fitzgerald."

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Sam's an okay guy. He doesn't piss me off as much as most people do. And that's saying a lot.<br>SAM: Mercedes, listen to me blow on the tops of these bottles. I knew my big lips were good for something! We should start a band and I'll play the jugs!

* * *

><p><em>(Outside Rachel's barn – where Puck is standing with his legs crossed)<em>

"Puck, why do you look like someone punched you in the stomach?" Terri asks. "It's not attractive – even on you."

He turns to her and says, "I gotta pee. I finished both my forties like forty minutes ago, but no one inside would unwrap my hands."

"Duct tape is terrible for your skin," Terri admonishes. "It rips the hair right out. That gives me an idea… do you think we could put some on Emma's head tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Look – there's no time for you to take the tape off. I gotta go now. So here's what's going to happen. You're gonna unbuckle my belt, unzip my pants, and you're going to hold my dong while I pee. I'll even spell your name," Puck says. "Well, I guess you can decide that, since you'll be the one holding it."

Terri eyes him suspiciously. "This isn't a ploy to have sex with me, is it? Because Will and I are in love. At least I think we are. I know I am."

Puck groans. "I think if I was trying to lure you into something, I'd make sure my hands were free."

"You could have an accomplice," Terri says, "like in _Scream_. Come to think of it, the circumstances are pretty similar. Old house in the middle of nowhere, two good looking people and the rest just average at best, it all adds up."

"Terri, I only want you to free my hands or hold my dick," Puck swears.

Terri's about to respond when there's a gasp.

The camera pans over to Sugar who says, "You're cheating on me already?"

"Shit," Puck says under his breath. "How did you find me here?" he asks.

"I put a tracking device on your truck," Sugar shrugs.

Terri laughs. "Stalk much?"

"Damn, I knew I shouldn't have told you that story about Jesse," Puck says.

"I'm going to go call Will now," Terri says to Puck. "Mostly because this is awkward and you've got bigger problems right now than the dam bursting. A word of advice: lying is key for a successful relationship so whatever you tell her better be better than the truth."

* * *

><p>TERRI: I've left Will six voicemails and I know he recharged his phone because he updated his Facebook status from it. Maybe that psychotic girl Puck was talking to had a point. I should definitely invest in one of those tracking devices. Then I wouldn't even have to call Will… unless he was lying. Did I mention that I'm the only one who's allowed to lie in our relationship? Because I am.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's living room – half of the group is congregated there)<em>

"Mike… I wanna suck your… I wanna suck… I wanna suck your blood!" Tina slurs drunkenly.

"Did you think she was gonna say blood?" Kurt asks Sam, who shakes his head. "Me either."

Rachel walks down the stairs. "Have you guys seen Finn?" she asks.

"He was lookin' for ya all night, Sweetie Pie!" April tells her. "He got tired of searchin' and drove off with that nice boy with polio."

"Artie doesn't have polio," Sam says. "Right, Brittany?"

Brittany looks at the floor guiltily. "So what were _you_ doing all this time, Rachel?" she asks, hoping to change the subject.

"I was fighting with Quinn," Rachel says. "But after several hours of arguing we both decided to bury the hatchet and become friends. That was my goal for this party after all. And maybe I didn't make friends with everyone, but I did get one of my worst enemies out of the way."

"So where is she now?" Kurt wonders.

"Maybe she's smoking the fweed?" Mike suggests.

Lauren looks in her purse. "Nope, I've got it all right here."

"Or maybe she's holding Puck's penis," Terri offers. "Shouldn't you be concerned, Sam?"

"Nah, she's probably crying about baby books or reading books about crying babies or something," he responds.

"Are you _sure_ it's not the fweed?" Mike asks again.

"Quit jumping to conclusions, all of you!" Rachel yells. "Besides, she's asleep in my bed."

* * *

><p>KURT: Correction, <em>that's<em> the unintentionally gayest thing I've heard all night.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: Oh, I just realized how that sounded. This is one of those Abraham Lincoln moments, isn't it? I never really understood that until now. Our nation's sixteenth president indeed.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: Puck still hasn't come back inside and I'm starting to get a little nervous because this place really does have a horror movie feel to it. But I can't decide if it's all of those eerie coincidences I listed earlier or Rachel's decorating.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The hallway – where Brittany is waiting for Tina to stop throwing up in the bathroom)<em>

"Ugh, my head is going to kill me," Tina mumbles as she's yanked aside. "Ow."

"Tina, I have something to tell you," Brittany says.

Tina sniffs Brittany. "Have you been smoking? Because I think it's gonna make me hurl again."

"Yeah, I have," Brittany says. "I'm doing all the things I haven't done since high school. And I ended it with Artie," she tells Tina. "And Lauren gave me a really good deal on the fweed. It's super affordable."

"Wait 'til I tell everyone!" Tina says.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Shit, I forgot she and Mercedes are like Dunder Mifflin's biggest gossips. At least I didn't say anything about Santana, right? Right? Oh my God, this fweed is making me paranoid. Replay the tape! Did I mention Santana or not?<br>TINA: Holy freaking crap, Santana's the devil. The card, I mean. The devil card. You need to start paying more attention, Brittany. I was still standing right next to you.  
>BRITTANY: I really hope you forget about this in the morning.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The next morning at the Lima Branch – everyone trudges in)<em>

"Do you think Finn'll be upset about you blowing him off last night?" Kurt asks Rachel.

"Nah," she replies hopefully. "He's the most understanding guy I know."

Kurt laughs.

"This tape residue won't come off my hands," Sam complains. "I'm all sticky."

"I don't mind holding your hand though," Quinn says.

Sam grins. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather hold Rachel's hand since you're already partial to her bed?" he teases.

"The only thing I don't remember is how I got so many hickeys," Mike comments.

"Yeah, same here," Tina lies.

Brittany walks in alone.

"I'm telling you, you should've stayed," Lauren tells Finn. "Your chances of having a threesome were pretty high since Quinn was passed out in Rachel's room… presumably naked."

Finn gapes at her.

"Hey everybody," Emma greets. "Why do you all look so tired?"

"We had a party and didn't invite you," Terri says as she breezes past. "It was a unanimous decision."

Emma's eyes widen.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Where did I go last night? Let's just say I was refilling the sugar bowl. I had to apologize somehow for asking another woman to pull out Thor! Thor's my… well, I'm trying out new names… you likey?<p>

* * *

><p>TINA: I remember it all. It's burned into my brain like walking in on your parents having sex or your grandparents having sex or Mr. Kidney the janitor drinking vodka out of a teapot and touching himself.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: I wanted to stay, but Artie insisted on leaving. He said Brittany couldn't drive him home because she'd been drinking too much, but I never saw her touch a drop. I hope Rachel isn't mad that I left. She scares me sometimes with her intensity. Like when she asked me to elope.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Holly's office, where Will is meeting with her)<em>

Santana knocks on the door. "You wanted to see me?" she asks.

"Yes, come in," Will says, forgetting for a second that it's not his office.

"By all means," Holly adds, shooting Will a look.

"Santana, first I want to congratulate you on being Dayton's top seller for the month of November," Will says.

"Do I get a bumper sticker? Because I'm pretty sure my parents will want one," Santana jokes, knowing they won't care one bit. "Although there's not much room on their Hummer from all those times I made the honor roll. Kidding – in reality my parents only have the sticker that says, 'My child beat up your honor student'."

"_Classic_," Holly says approvingly.

"No, but I do have a gift card to Olive Garden for you," Will says.

Santana sighs. "As long as it's good at the bar."

"Anyway," Will continues, "the main reason I called you both in here is to let you know that corporate has decided to keep the Dayton Branch in operation. Santana, we're going to promote you to a management position and Holly, we want you to oversee the new Midwest Region."

* * *

><p>HOLLY: This is the longest I've ever held a job and to be honest, I'm not really sure how I've managed to keep it. Luckily I can fake my way through anything – just ask anyone who's seen my sex tape with J.D. Salinger.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Maybe if I get higher up in this company, I'll have more say in the prizes that go to top sellers. No one wants to eat that garbage. <em>Whoa<em> – rewind. Did I say, "If I get higher up in this company"? I think I just set a goal for myself. Eh, I'm not too worried. I haven't _achieved_ a goal in years. Not since the drunken snow angel contest my junior year of college. Now there's a real come-from-behind victory.

* * *

><p><em>(The main office at Lima – the camera pans over from Finn picking his nose to Brittany staring determinedly at Santana's old desk)<em>

"I can feel your eyes on me," Sam says without looking up.

Brittany doesn't avert her gaze. "Uh, Sam, did I happen to spill any secrets last night?" she asks.

"You told Tina who told Mercedes who told Lauren who told Kurt who told Terri who told Cousin Jacob who told me that you broke up with Artie," Sam finishes.

"Hey Brittany, I guess it's a good thing we're not doing random drug tests today," Terri jokes from the doorway of her office.

"It was fake weed!" Brittany states. "But did I say anything else, Sam? Or call anybody?"

"Not that I know of. Sorry, I was kinda drunk too and I took a couple hits of your fweed."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I don't think I drunk dialed Santana. I remember wanting to at multiple points, but it's kind of hard to tell because all of the contacts in my phone are now Harry Potter characters. And it's probably for the best that I didn't because now I have some time to be single. I don't want to jump into another relationship straight away. Maybe I'll see where life takes me after the branch closes and hopefully it takes me closer to her.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton – Will is still in the meeting with Holly and Santana)<em>

"So what do you say, Holly? Do we have a deal?" Will asks.

"No," Holly replies. "I don't think it's going to work for me, Will."

Santana looks on, stunned.

"What?" Will says, equally flabbergasted. "We designed this plan specifically around you!"

"Yesterday when we were supposed to meet I might've taken it, but Staples offered me a Senior Management position. You don't turn that kind of opportunity down!" Holly argues.

"I can't believe this!" Will roars. "I just have to ask – did you leverage our offer in order to obtain that job?"

"Yes," Holly answers, her voice never quivering.

"Wow," Santana mouths to the camera.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Terri Del Monico is a lot of things; borderline crazy being the abridged description, of course. She inadvertently offends everyone she meets. She lives with an animal that devours garbage. She'd probably literally bring a knife to a gunfight. But she would <em>never<em> do what Holly just did.

* * *

><p>WILL: Terri was right about one thing; I shouldn't have trusted Holly. You know, maybe I don't give that woman – excuse me, my girlfriend – enough credit sometimes. I guess Terri's really lucky I got a flat tire when I did because I am going to recommend that the Lima Branch stay open instead.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Lima Branch – where Rachel has packed up a few things on her desk including her Rachel Berry bobblehead)<em>

"I can't believe my time as Assistant Regional Manager is almost over," Rachel moans.

"Assistant _to_ the regional manager," Terri corrects.

"I like to think about all the good times we had," April says fondly. "Me and Julio down by the schoolyard, drinking pond water for the nutrients, thinking _Fraggle Rock_ was a codename for crystal meth. So many good times."

"Who's Julio?" Kurt asks Finn.

Finn shakes his head. "Dude, I'm more concerned about the pond thing. Even I know not to do that… anymore."

"She frightens me," Emma says, but no one is listening. "She frightens me more than I can describe in words."

The phone rings.

"Are you going to answer it? This might be one of the last times somebody calls here!" Terri yells at Brittany.

"Dunder Mifflin – oh, hey Puck. No, I'm not sure why Artie's not at work," Brittany tells him. "He had Finn drop him off by our apartment last night. Yeah, we broke up. No, I don't wanna meet you behind a storage bin. Yeah, I know that was a joke. No, I don't know what chlamydia looks like. Okay, bye."

* * *

><p>TERRI: Last night was fun and all, but the reality of the situation is starting to set in. I failed all these people. It's partially my fault they won't have jobs in a few weeks. Okay, it's mostly my fault. I'm probably the worst regional manager in all of Dunder Mifflin history right about now.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Dayton, where Will is addressing the entire office – similarly to the meeting he gave the Lima Branch previously)<em>

"…and so after much discussion with Sue Sylvester and Holly, it has been decided that the Dayton Branch will close after the year is over. Anyone requesting a transfer to a different branch, take the form that Jesse is handing out now. Anyone needing a recommendation for another job, please see me afterward. Thank you for your years of loyalty and service to Dunder Mifflin."

"This is so hard to believe," Dave says to Mack. "We worked our asses off for nothing."

Mack doesn't pay attention to him, but instead walks over to Santana. "Hey," she says. "I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time last night."

Santana brushes back a piece of hair. "Me too. So, uh, what do you think of this whole situation?"

"It's crazy," Mack says. "I feel like there's something Will's not telling us."

"Oh there is," Santana mutters before saying, "You know, the Lima Branch isn't nearly as bad as I made it out to be… so if they offer you a job, you should consider taking it."

"Yeah, I might do that."

"Cool, 'cause there's no Olive Garden in Lima, but there is this another place with the most ballin' breadsticks."

* * *

><p>MACK: Girl almost started crying last night because I dared her to eat a breadstick and she told me that was cheating on Breadstix with Olive Garden.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Holly's a gunch. And that wasn't so much an insult as it was a straight-up description.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The Lima Branch – where Terri is now on the phone with Will)<em>

"I understand. I understand. No, we'd be more than happy to take her back," Terri says. "How did this happen exactly?"

"_It was that flat tire, I swear! If that hadn't happened, I would've persuaded Holly into staying. I know it, Ter."_

Terri smiles. "And what a freak accident, too! Flat tires almost never happen."

"_I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the Lima Branch at first, but this – this just seems like fate. And after what Holly pulled, I'm rooting for you guys. I really and truly am. Be sure to pass along the message to everyone in the branch."_

"Oh, I will. Most of them are still pretty hungover though," Terri replies. "They've all congregated around April's desk because I think she's a witch doctor or something."

"_I don't even care, Terri. I'm going to take you out on an expensive date tonight. This has made me realize how incredibly special you are and how much you mean to Lima."_

"Sing my praises all you want, Will," Terri grins. "Especially in bed. Speaking of which…"

* * *

><p>TERRI: Good things happen to those who intentionally let the air out of their boyfriend's tires. I'm living proof of that. I schemed hard and got a reward. As for Holly, I guess it just goes to show you that I'm not the worst Dunder Mifflin Regional Manager. I'm also never taking down her E-Harmony page. That bitch will forever have monkey pox on the internet. If you ask me, the punishment fits the crime. Yep, those things will always come back to bite you in the ass unless your selfish reasons for doing something turn into selfless reasons for doing something. That's the true spirit of Christmas – and maybe Hanukkah, I'm not too sure. Kwanzaa's a complete mystery to me.<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany, but dating Mack. There's Brittany who's finally figured out her feelings for Santana and no longer engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office. And I am not responsible for anyone clawing their eyes out… killer cereal.<br>A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! I'm sure you're just as glad as I am that Santana's finally back at DuMi LiBra! Oh, and feel free to check out my Tumblr. There's a link on my profile. This chapter is dedicated to my TBFF, Jax, who is as awesome as they come and to JJ at themostrandomfandom as a (very) belated birthday present!

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she is playing with a rubber band while on speakerphone)<em>

"_You're going to have to work on your communication, Terri,"_ Will says. _"Not only with me, but with your employees as well. I'm trusting you to do a good job with this mini-merger."_

"Sorry, what was that? I wasn't listening," Terri replies as she inadvertently shoots the rubber band across the room. "I'm kidding!" she shakes her head at the camera. "Don't – don't hang up."

"_That would defeat the purpose of this conversation. Anyway, just remember that your new staff members aren't used to your… _unorthodox_ method of managing the office. All I ask is that you try not to alienate them. And please don't put them through 'initiation'."_

"But it's tradition!" Terri protests. "When else do I get to dress up as an Injun Chief? Huh? When?"

"_It's Native American."_

"Will, that's offensive. No one plays Cowboys and Native Americans."

"_I promise you it's not as offensive as what you said."_

"Fine, I'll meet you halfway. Eskimo."

"_I don't even know why we're having this argument. Whatever. As long as you don't do it on company property or time," _he cautions.

"I can't promise that, Will."

* * *

><p>TERRI: But I <em>do<em> know from _Pocahontas_ that 'savage' is unacceptable. It's the raccoon's favorite movie.

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk – Brittany ignores the phone)<em>

"Aren't you going to get that?" Tina asks her.

"They'll call back if it's important," she replies.

"Yeah, but what if you don't answer then either?" Tina says. "Aren't you worried about Terri like, firing you or something?"

Brittany shrugs. "I do it all the time and I'm still here."

"For_ now_," Rachel adds from her desk. "Who's to say there isn't another receptionist coming today? One who actually _answers_ the phone."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I wear my hair the same way every day; in your basic, standard ponytail. Today, I decided to let it down. No real reason. But enough about my hair... What was the question again?<br>INTERVIEWER _(off-screen)_: How do you feel about Santana returning?  
>BRITTANY: Can we go back to talking about my hair?<p>

* * *

><p>RACHEL: This may sound conceited, but I'm the top seller here and if these Dayton people think they're going to usurp that title, they've got another thing coming. I once sent a girl to a crack house.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, Puck watches one of the dockhands drive a forklift when his phone rings)<em>

"You've reached Puckerman," he answers. "Press one if you'd like to take care of my stiffy in a jiffy. Press two if you're a dude. Or Santana. Press three for threesome, but only if pressing two doesn't apply to you."

"_What happens if I press four?"_ Santana says dryly on the other end of the line.

"Four is for whores."

Santana laughs. _"Damn, I set myself up for that one."_

"Why are you calling me? Shouldn't you be sharpening your pencils and packing your lunch and waving goodbye to your mommy and daddy?" he asks.

"_This isn't the first day of kindergarten, dumbass. I'm just… nervous."_

"Wait, I thought you said this _wasn't_ kindergarten," Puck teases. "But I can tell you're worried about seeing Brittany for the first time since you fessed up about your mondo crush on her during recess."

"_It's going to be weird no matter what, y'know? I've missed her, but at the same time I'm still so angry at her for rejecting_ _me. Maybe I should just avoid her."_

"Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk in there like you own the damn place because as far as I'm concerned, you _did_ before you left. Then you're gonna march up to her and say, 'What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies?'"

"_Oh God, not a dead baby joke."_

"My cock."

"_Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather stab my own eyeball with a fork than tell her that."_

"Just be yourself, pumpkin, you're gonna make lots of friends," Puck teases as a crash is heard in the distance. "Ah, crap. I gotta go. Azimio knocked over the crate that holds all our empty beer bottles."

* * *

><p>PUCK: I'm kinda stuck in the warehouse since Artie took a leave of absence. The worst part is I actually have to do stuff now. Like work. It's been a few years so I'm a little rusty. And um… don't repeat this to anybody, but I missed Santana, okay? Somebody's gotta help me get rid of Sugar once and for all.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri rounds up everyone in the office)<em>

"Good morning, good morning," she begins. "In case you forgot, some of the employees from the newly defunct Dayton Branch – R.I.H. – will be joining us for the first time a little bit later today. As your boss, it's my duty to remind you of these things since you still _have_ jobs... thanks to me."

"Good Lord, Terri, you're never gonna let us forget that," Mercedes moans.

"What does R.I.H. stand for?" Finn asks.

"Oh that?" Terri says. "Rest in hell. Actually, it should be R.I.H.H.H. Rest in hell, Holly Holiday. I don't have anything against the rest of the Daytonians. Daytonites? Whatever, I'm counting on _all_ of you to be friendly and welcome them to Lima. That includes you, Mercedes."

Mercedes sighs. "I make no promises."

"And Lauren," Terri continues, "don't sell them anything. I'd hate for them to declare bankruptcy before the clock strikes five."

"People come to me," Lauren says adamantly. "Not the other way around. Except for the fweed. I was pushing that hardcore. And the sex toys… which are on sale, by the way."

Terri pulls her aside. "You think we could meet up by your car later?" she whispers.

Lauren nods. "You got it, chief."

Terri clears her throat. "Now Finn, don't become aroused by the pretty girls. Remember, we only have one copy machine." She ignores Rachel's scowl and adds, "Kurt, the same goes for you with the boys."

Kurt and Finn exchange looks. "I'm not the one who got his penis stuck in the copier," Kurt states.

"No one ever believes me when I say that never actually happened," Finn says sadly.

"April, don't talk to them. Ever. At all," Terri says.

"If you drink too much vagina it'll make your Dr. Pepper smell," April tells the room. She pauses. "Whoa, I said that back_ways_! Ah well, it's true both _words_. Huh… that's not right either."

Terri ignores her. "Mike and Tina, don't do that thing where you communicate via Asian telepathy. It's creepy. Emma, stay away from them, too. I don't want them to catch your crazy disease infection virus bacteria syndrome."

"You mean my obsessive-compulsive disorder?" Emma asks while polishing a grape.

Terri rolls her eyes. "Rachel, don't go to the bathroom every hour on the hour. It's stupid."

"But I have to!" Rachel argues. "The last time I held it in, I almost wet myself. I'm on a very strict schedule."

"Whatever you do, don't try and pee standing up," Finn advises. "Because they're called urinals for a reason. Not girlinals."

Sam laughs. "Nice one, Finn."

"That's disgusting! Don't encourage him, Sam," Quinn hisses. "Ever since Rachel's party you've been acting –"

"Hey Bobbsey Twins," Terri snaps, "none of your fighting. We don't want them to think we're uncivilized. It's why I left the raccoon at home."

"She should make a hat out of that vermin. That way when my Bontempo Road crew robs her blind I can keep it for myself," April says out of the blue. Everyone stares at her. "Oh crap, everybody's lookin' at me. They must be able to read my mind. April, Old Gal –whatever you do, don't think of all those times you've 'borrowed' their keys. It's less suspicious that way," she adds.

Terri glances at her watch. It's almost time for her midmorning nap so she decides to wrap up the meeting. "Somebody tape her mouth shut," she says. "Okay – don't really do it. I could get into a lot of trouble for that. And lastly, now that you're _finally _single, Brittany, try not to jump Santana's bones when she walks through the door. Now everybody go sell manila folders or something."

* * *

><p>EMMA: Terri's been given a second chance at something that she screwed up dreadfully the first go round. And you know what they say; second chances are hard to come by. But I've also heard that the third time's the charm. I wonder what other branch will have to close in order for <em>that<em> to happen.

* * *

><p>SAM: I guess the good thing is that I'm not the new guy anymore. Oh shit. Since Santana's coming back, does this mean I'm a temp again?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera shows Mercedes on the phone)<em>

"Yes," she says, "my name is Mercedes Jones and I'm calling because I need my locks changed immediately. Not tomorrow, not even later this afternoon, _now_. Great. Yeah, I'll make sure my husband will be home and I'll call you right back. Okay. Thanks. Bye."

Kurt walks up to her desk. "Smart move. I already had Blaine pass along the message to our super. What else do you think goes through April's mind?"

Mercedes shakes her head. "I have _no_ idea."

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: There's a whole realm of possibilities, but I'd say: booze, onions, the number for poison control, her most recent vacation to Mars, microwave sounds instead of elevator music, and tapioca. That last one's just a guess.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: What disturbs me the most is that I always keep my keys in my front pants pocket.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department, where Lauren is berating Finn)<em>

"That goes under Accounts Receivable," Lauren says, annoyed. "Where'd you even _get_ a finance degree, Hamburger University?"

"Hey! I didn't go to Hamburger U," Finn replies defensively before adding, "I didn't know that was an option."

"It's not a real college," Lauren snaps. "But frankly, I think you'd do a lot better there."

* * *

><p>LAUREN: Supposedly there's another accountant coming in. Maybe this one won't confuse profits for cash flow or get Cheetos stains on every. single. form.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner – Sam is sitting on her desk)<em>

"I'm just saying if you're gonna pass out in another chick's bed at least take pictures," Sam says.

"How am I going to take pictures if _I'm_ the one who's passed out?" Quinn argues.

"What really happened that night, Quinn?" Sam asks, poking her on the arm. "That's all I want to know."

Quinn scowls at him. "She said she wanted to patch things up with me and after we were done _talking_ I fell asleep. Now leave. I put a customer on hold so we could have this discussion."

"It's more of an argument, really," he says.

"Discussion," Quinn insists.

Sam hops off her desk. "Just because you're not yelling doesn't mean it's not an argument."

* * *

><p>QUINN: Sam is so frustrating. If he wants a real argument, I'll give him a reason to argue. Revenge is practically my middle name. Actually, it's Quinn, but whatever.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: If this building was on fire and I physically <em>couldn't<em> save Quinn, I'm pretty sure her ghost would haunt me forever. But if this building was on fire and Quinn had the option to save me or not, I'd be six feet under and I doubt her conscience would keep her up at night. God, I'm pussy-whipped.

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she is asleep. Brittany knocks on the door)<em>

Terri jolts awake in her seat. "Come back later – I'm busy!" she says, fighting a yawn.

"No," Brittany says, peeking her head in. "I'm mad at you. And I don't get mad easily."

Terri rolls her eyes. "Brittany, the worst thing that happens when you're mad at someone is you refuse to add smiley faces and exclamation points to your memos."

"Well, would you rather have this discussion in your office or perhaps somewhere one of the new people could potentially overhear us?" Brittany asks.

Terri thinks for a moment. "First impressions _are_ critical. I want to be adored by everyone – especially the new people who don't know any better. Okay, you can come in."

Brittany shuts the door behind her. "Why would you say that about me and Santana?"

"I can't help it, Brittany! Santana and I have more secrets than the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – but here's the thing – I'm terrible at keeping secrets! Sure, the kiss you shared was _months_ ago, but do you know how hard it was for me to keep my trap shut? Besides, Tina's the one who spilled the beans about you and Artie. I am almost completely innocent!"

"That's the thing! _I_ never told you that I have feelings for her and you blurted that out –"

"Have?" Terri interrupts hopefully.

Flustered, Brittany says, "What? No! That's not what I meant!"

"So what _did_ you mean, Brittany? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a rather curious person."

"Nosy is more like it," Brittany replies, standing up.

"Hey! You never answered my question!" Terri shouts as the receptionist walks out.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Where would the world be without office romances? No bosses cheating on their spouses with their secretaries; no wandering fingers during meetings; no mailroom rendezvous or covert lunch dates; and worst of all, no Will and Terri. And no Brittany and Santana… well, the jury's still out on that one.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'm going to stick to my guns and stay single for a while. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I just know that maybe now isn't the time for me to rush into another relationship.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room – Finn is looking at the vending machine when Rachel spots him from outside)<em>

"Finn! There you are," Rachel says cheerfully.

"Hi Rachel," Finn replies, albeit with less enthusiasm.

"Can I ask you a question?" Rachel asks. "Why have you been avoiding me since my party?"

"Why did you avoid me _at_ your party?" Finn counters. "I like you, Rachel," he continues with a shrug, "but it kind of hurt that you ignored me. Then Artie said he wanted a ride home and I figured you wouldn't even notice. And I was right."

"I didn't mean to –"

"Maybe we should stay friends," Finn says. He leaves her there, looking crestfallen.

* * *

><p>FINN: I don't think women understand just how sensitive men really are. First Rachel ditched me and then Lauren yelled at me. I'm not made of rocks and I'm not stupid either!<p>

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I know overreacting and that was a textbook case. It's clear to me now that he can't handle Rachel Berry. Not if he's going to get upset every time I disappear to my bedroom with a girl.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(April's asleep at her desk. Mike pokes her with a pencil)<em>

"I got a prescription for that," she mumbles.

"April, wake up."

She wipes a bit of drool off her face. "Wait, who the hell are you?" she asks him.

"It's me, Mike," he says. "Sometimes you call me Matt."

"I think I would remember you. You're the tallest Asian I've ever seen!"

"What about Yao Ming?"

April scratches her head. "He's Asian?"

* * *

><p>APRIL: I need to stop having sex dreams about John Elway at work. Or was it Elton John? I always gets those two mixed up.<p>

* * *

><p>MIKE: April's nuttier than a squirrel turd.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera is focused on the door. It opens slowly to reveal Santana)<em>

"Hey, my name's Santana Lopez… uh, it's my first day here," she says as she walks into the office.

"Santana!" Brittany squeals as she leaps out of her chair in order to hug her.

"Hey everybody," Santana greets, returning Brittany's embrace rather stiffly.

"We're so glad you're back," Tina tells her.

"You know what they say – absence makes the heart grow fonder," Santana jokes.

Rachel wrinkles her nose. "False – we're _not_ glad you're back and the heart is just an organ that pumps blood."

Santana turns her attention to her rival. "Hey there, Rachel. Love the sweater. Have one just like it at home," she says, taking in the gaudy-looking owl that graces the front of Rachel's cardigan. "If I try and hug you, do you promise not to scream rape?"

"What in the world is going on out here – oh, Santana! It is you!" Terri exclaims, as if she hadn't been peeking through the blinds of her office window just seconds before. She strolls over to Santana and makes a show out of giving her a hug.

"Yeah, you can let go now," Santana says as the other people from Dayton file into the office. "Everybody – this is Mack, that's Jesse and on the end is Dave."

"You forgot me," a woman says, stepping out from behind Dave. Santana gives her a blank look. "Aphasia from accounting?"

Santana, Jesse, Mack, and Dave all exchange looks and shrug.

"Welcome to the Lima Branch!" Terri says warmly. "Even you, Asphyxia."

* * *

><p>DAVE: I have a feeling I'm going to really like it here. Terri seems nice enough, I guess. So far she's nothing like Santana described.<br>TERRI: Hey, get your things. We're a desk short up here so from now on you're working in the warehouse. Only one guy's lost his thumbs recently so you should be fine. You'll like it down there – it's more testosterone-y. And a word of advice – always keep your keys on you.  
>DAVE: What just happened?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The main room of the office, Rachel and Terri show the people from Dayton around)<em>

Rachel steps forward. "Okay, DuMi DayBraers, single file line, please. As assistant regional manager –"

"Assistant _to_ the regional manager," Terri cuts in.

"– I will be assigning your desks and lunch breaks. Then I will lead you to the HR office for paperwork."

"Excuse me, what did you call us?" Mack asks.

"Or I could just take them to Emma's office," Santana volunteers, glancing over at the reception desk only to see that Brittany has her back turned.

"Like I said, _I'll_ lead you there," Rachel says, consulting her color-coded map of the office. "Santana, you're –"

"Rachel, I know where my desk is," Santana says, rolling her eyes.

"No," Rachel corrects, "you know where your old desk is. I've assigned you a new one. By Mercedes."

"Wheezy?" Santana exclaims. "No way. I want my old desk back. Terri, help me out."

Terri looks up from her phone. "Give her the desk, Rachel, and stop being such a wet blanket. You see, guys, Rachel's no fun. Unlike myself."

"You know who else was fun?" Jesse whispers to Mack. "Holly. In bed."

"You're disgusting," she tells him.

"Fine, Santana, you can have the desk, but you're not allowed to borrow my things," Rachel says. "Not that that ever stopped you before."

"Thanks, Rachel," Santana replies. "Hey, can I see that map? I forgot all of the emergency evacuation routes you designated."

"Oh sure!" Rachel says, "Here you go!"

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Never fear; I have a plan to annoy the ever-loving shit out of Rachel. Step one was getting my desk back. Step two involves parachuting out of a plane. Oh wait, that's my plan to stop Brittany's wedding. Or it was. I don't know. Maybe it still is.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Break room – where April has just purchased something from a vending machine)<em>

"April, don't forget your change," Emma says as she notices the other woman start to walk away.

April taps her head and goes back for it. "Whoops! I'm tellin' ya, ever since the microwave busted my wires have been a little crossed. I keep zappin' stuff like I'm… like I'm… what's the word… _magnetic_! But it only happens after I've rubbed my sock feet on the carpet. You think there's any connection?"

Emma smiles weakly. "Probably not."

April shrugs and scoops a quarter out of the vending machine. "Hey what's-your-name, how much is a coin from 1803 worth?" she asks.

"1803? Really?" Emma says, trying to inspect the coin.

April takes a closer look at it. "Good gravy, whoever made this must've been able to see the future! There's a spaceman on it!" She squeals in delight. "Imagine how much boxed wine I can buy with this!"

Emma, out of immense curiosity, takes it from her, touching only the edges. "April," she scolds, "This is the Ohio quarter."

April stops wobbling around. "Does that mean it's worth even _more_ Franzia?" she asks hopefully.

"Do you remember when the US Mint issued quarters for every state?" Emma says slowly. She sees the blank look on April's face. "Okay, that's a definite no," she adds.

"Now I hope this doesn't offend you since you're a bit of an anal-retentive firecrotch, but there are some years I just can't remember because I was huffin' upholstery cleaner. Minor details tended to slip through the cracks! When did they start this state thingy?"

"Um, this one is from 2002, so sometime before then. 1999, I think."

April ponders this for a moment, trying to remember if she'd seen any others like it. "So how much is it worth?"

* * *

><p>APRIL: I'll tell you what; people like that woman think I'm a real imbecile. But while she was inspectin' a quarter like a durn fool, I stole ten bucks outta her wallet! I'm eatin' good tonight! Captain D's here I come!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam walks up to his desk – where Santana is now sitting)<em>

"Hey – it's not that I'm not glad to see you, Santana, but I have a lot of work to do so… move," he says.

She turns to look at him. "I'm taking my desk back. I mean, does it really matter where you sit since you've never sold anything? I think not," she tells him. "But I'll play you in rock paper scissors if you want to try your luck."

"Why would you say that unless you knew you were going to win?" he wonders aloud.

"Why would I indeed?" she replies. "Oh, and I'm going to pick scissors."

"W-w-what?" he stutters.

"I'm just saying; pick rock unless you want to lose."

"Why would you tell me that?"

"I'm just trying to give you a fair chance. Unless, of course, you think I'm lying about picking scissors, in which case pick paper. Or pick scissors and we can tie."

* * *

><p>SAM: Well at least Brittany will stop staring at me. Those creepy looks she gave me make a whole lot more sense now after what Terri said this morning. The downside? I'm closer to Quinn.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where Dave looks out of place in his button up shirt and tie)<em>

"Hey man, we'll get you some coveralls," Puck tells him. "Do you know how to operate heavy machinery? If not, it's cool. I taught a cripple how to drive a forklift so I should be able to teach you anything. Hell, you could probably run this place after a day or two. Don't get any ideas, though."

"Thanks," Dave replies. "I'm still not entirely sure how I got roped into this, but I appreciate you looking out for me."

"No prob," Puck says. "But don't get all sentimental and shit."

"Puck – where are you?" Sugar yells from the loading dock. "I texted you six times in the past minute and you never responded."

Puck grimaces. "Duty calls," he says to Dave.

"I was waiting for you," Sugar says as she taps her foot impatiently.

"I wasn't expecting you," Puck counters. "What _are_ you doing here?"

Sugar smiles. "I'm breaking up with you."

"What? What did I do?" Puck questions.

"It's not you. I met someone else. On Craigslist."

"Oh wow, I bet he's the sexual predator your dad always dreamed you'd date!" Puck says furiously.

"People don't lie about things on the internet, Puck! It's called the information superhighway, not the information liarhighway!" Sugar responds.

"Yes they do!" Puck shouts. "Lemme guess… he's also Nigerian prince who needs a loan until his twenty-first birthday when he'll have access to his trust fund?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what happened. How'd you know?" Sugar asks.

* * *

><p>PUCK: What the hell? I was gonna break up with her, but she beat me to the punch! So why am I upset over this chick? Did she give me her cooties or something? Or maybe she gave me something worse than that. Nah, come to think of it, I probably gave it to her.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk – where Brittany is typing on her computer. Santana walks up to her)<em>

"Hey," Santana says, which gets Brittany's attention immediately. "I was wondering if you could pull some files for me. I wrote them all down so whenever you're done, come find me I guess."

"Sure," Brittany replies. "Sorry about hugging you earlier; I just missed you. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No, no," Santana insists. "It's definitely not your fault. Umm…. so how's Lord Tubbington?"

"He lost two pounds thanks to the Wii Fit," Brittany says. "But you'd never know by looking at him. How is moving back to Lima?"

"Uh, well, I wasn't able to find an apartment in my old complex so I had to look around a little. I finally found one over by the mall – which is probably a terrible idea since I love shopping so much. But if I'm going to be broke, I might as well be fashionably broke," Santana jokes half-heartedly.

"Yeah, you always did have good style," Brittany smiles. "You should've checked out Willow Lake, where I live. I think there's a ton of available units."

Santana bites her lip. "I did look into those, actually. Then I saw pictures online and it reminded me of… stuff," she says.

"Oh… okay," Brittany says. "Well maybe I can come over and help you unpack –"

The phone rings, cutting her off. "I'll let you get that," Santana says as she walks back to her desk.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Did I notice her hair was down? I gotta tell you, I used to memorize every detail about that girl, as creepy as that sounds. I guess it's because I love – excuse me, <em>loved<em> – so many different things about her. Yeah, of course I noticed her hair is down. But it doesn't matter because I've moved on and she never… she never felt the same way about me in the first place.

* * *

><p><em>(The break room, where Rachel spots Quinn perusing the vending machines)<em>

"Hey girlfriend – I need your advice," Rachel tells Quinn.

"Put Vaseline on your teeth," Quinn replies. "I did that all the time at beauty pageants so I'd remember to smile. You always look like a cow ate your last goat or something."

"Okay, I don't have any animals on my farm and I smile plenty! But that's not why I need advice. Unlike you and Sam, whose desire to procreate vastly outweighs the need to find a compatible partner," Rachel pauses for dramatic effect, "I have found a kindred spirit in Finn."

"So what's the problem?" Quinn asks.

"He dumped me."

"And you want to make him jealous so he'll want you back," Quinn says knowingly. "Easy. Flirt with another guy. But don't use Puck. I'm going to use Puck."

"Are you and Sam arguing again?"

Quinn throws her hands up in frustration. "We were having a discussion!"

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I should mention to Quinn that cows don't actually eat goats. Unless it was a werecow. And everyone knows werecows aren't native to Ohio.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk - where Brittany is on the phone)<em>

"Yeah, I booked your banquet hall for my wedding reception and now the whole thing's called off so I just need to – it should be under Abrams. Okay, thanks," Brittany says as she hangs up.

"Excuse me; did I hear you say your wedding was called off?"

Brittany looks up. It's Mack. "Yeah," Brittany says, "turns out we weren't right for each other."

"I'm really sorry to hear that – Brittany," Mack says, reading her nameplate. "You shouldn't have to settle."

Brittany glances past her where Santana is working diligently at her desk. "Yeah, you're right," she replies. "Thanks."

* * *

><p>MACK: Brittany seems like a really nice person. Probably the nicest person I've met so far today. I ran into April in the bathroom earlier and she scared the bejeezus outta me. I think she might've also stolen something from me, but I'm not sure how or why.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Finn makes his way over to Sam's desk)<em>

"Hey man, what do you do when you break up with a girl but still have feelings for her?" Finn asks.

Sam shrugs. "You could try taking your mind off of things."

"How? Like going to a strip club?"

"Nah," Sam answers, "I was thinking we could get a basketball game going during lunch. The guys in the warehouse have a couple of hoops down there. We just need some other people to play."

"Mike Chang, definitely," Finn says.

"He's the tallest Asian since Godzilla!" April chimes in – now sporting a pink cowgirl outfit adorned with silver tassels. Judging by everyone's reactions no one's quite sure when or why she changed.

"I'm down," Mike says. "My depth perception's finally back to normal after that pepper spray thing."

"Crap, that's the only three guys in the office," Finn says loudly, looking around.

Kurt glares at him.

"Oh, uh, sorry Jesse," Finn apologizes. "What about you?"

"That's really nice of you to offer, but I just got a manicure," Jesse replies. "No one likes a hangnail."

"I'll play," Brittany says, but she's drowned out by Terri – who hastily volunteers.

"I'm in," she declares. "I may not know much about basketball, but I am all about team bondage."

"I think you mean bonding," Brittany deadpans from her reception area.

"What do you know, Brittany?" Terri snaps. "And answer the damn phone for crying out loud."

"It's not ringing," Brittany says.

"How about this: we'll play three on three. Terri, you can be our sub," Finn says.

"Did you know that they named a month after me?" April asks Jesse.

* * *

><p>FINN: Basketball and drumming are probably two of my top three skills.<br>INTERVIEWER _(off-screen)_: Is the other skill accounting?  
>FINN: I think we all know the answer to that, man.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: Oh, I have excellent ball-handling skills. Just not the kind you use for sports.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: I'm the drummer in a band called <em>E-Lima-Nate<em>. Like eliminate, but you pronounce the Lima like… well, Lima. It's better than our old name, though. _Sub-Lima-Nal Messages_ wasn't nearly as effective as we thought it would be.

* * *

><p><em>(Santana takes a seat at her desk as Rachel finishes a phone call)<em>

"So Rachel, how were your holidays?" Santana says. When Rachel doesn't respond, she continues. "Mine were fantastic, thanks for asking. My parents came over – Dad in his prized Hummer and Mom in her Range Rover. They drove separately because it burns more fossil fuels that way. They got there _just_ as I had filled my bathtub to the brim so I _had_ to pull the plug –"

"I know what you're doing," Rachel interrupts, eyeing her suspiciously. "But it's not going to work. I've turned over a new leaf. Your little mind games don't affect me."

"Wow, that is quite the accusation, Rach," Santana replies. "I only wanna catch up. A lot can happen in a few months and since _you_ weren't sharing..."

"You- you haven't called me Rach since we started at DuMi LiBra. It's weird… and oddly refreshing," Rachel says to Santana, who nods. "Go on."

Santana flashes her a mischievous smile. "The highlight of the night was definitely the presents," she continues. "I got the most luxurious fur coat. I was kind of disappointed it didn't come with a hat, but then –"

"What?" Rachel roars. "_A fur coat_? How many animals had to die for that?"

"I don't know… 101 Dalmatians?" Santana guesses. "But seriously, it's mink… so I have no idea."

Rachel types furiously on her keyboard. "It takes somewhere between thirty to seventy minks to make one coat!" she reads.

Santana nods her head. "That's super interesting, but did you also know that _eighty-three_ percent of all statistics are made up?"

Rachel turns to look at her. "Really? Where'd you get that statistic?"

"I made it up," Santana admits.

"So it's part of the eighty-three percent then," Rachel says.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Okay, that coat? Faux fur. I sort of sent her into a tizzy over nothing. But then it occurred to me – when I played that radio contest prank on her, it totally insulted her intelligence! And insulting Rachel's intelligence is my favorite non-sexual activity... Besides Minesweeper.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room – where Lauren and Kurt are discussing the new accountant, Aphasia)<em>

"So when I came back to my desk, she'd taught Finn the entire accounting cycle!" Kurt exclaims.

"Like hell she did that in one day," Lauren scoffs.

"I'm not kidding," Kurt insists. "I think you're just jealous someone was finally able to get through to him."

_(The camera pans over to Brittany – who is eating lunch alone at a different table)_

"Mind if I join you?" Mack asks. "Nobody else from Dayton has lunch right now…"

"You picked the popular table alright," Brittany replies, inviting her to sit. "So how's your first day going?"

"Well, in a nutshell –" Mack begins.

"Don't let Terri hear you say that. She might break out in hives," Brittany says. "Because… she has a severe peanut allergy. And you wouldn't know that because it's your first day. Sorry. Go on."

"It's been okay. I won six games of Spider Solitaire. Other than that, mostly just sales calls. Although I did overhear somebody mention initiation?"

"Oh, there's nothing to be afraid of – the cattle brand doesn't hurt too bad and it's only on your ass for a second," Brittany jokes. "I'm kidding. Terri dresses up and makes everyone put on war paint and stuff. We have a powwow. She doesn't do it for everybody though – I think she forgot about Sam."

"Good to know," Mack replies. "So what's there to do here in Lima?"

"The usual – the mall, the bowling alley, the movies. But if you're looking for somewhere good to eat, Breadstix is the way to go!"

"Yeah," Mack says with a smile, "so I've heard."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Okay, I paid Lauren ten bucks to break into Terri's car and steal her headdress. No one deserves that kind of humiliation.<p>

* * *

><p>MACK: I think I just made my first friend here. Maybe me and Santana can set her up with someone… or maybe Santana can since I know almost no one in Lima. I mean, what could go wrong?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where the workers are lounging around)<em>

"I'm telling you, a kamikaze mudslide is _not_ an alcoholic beverage," Puck says into his phone. "It's when… uh oh, I gotta go. Terri and her herd of sales nerds wandered down here again by mistake."

"Tippy toe, tippy toe!" Azimio says to another dockhand when he sees Terri. "Lemon tree!"

"You can stop fake working now. We're here to challenge you," Terri says.

"What's tippy toe?" Dave whispers to Azimio.

"That's how we let each other know when Scary Terri's around," Azimio tells him. "It's from _Seinfeld_. That show cracks me up."

Puck walks over to the group. "What exactly are you challenging us to? Because the last time we did the milk contest Finny D puked all over the warehouse floor."

Dave cringes.

* * *

><p>FINN: They said I had an hour to drink a gallon of milk, but they didn't tell me I had to wait another hour before I could pee! It was coming out one way or the other.<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: That shit was hilarious until we realized it was Mr. Kidney's day off and had to clean it up ourselves. Then it wasn't so funny.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The main room of the office – Rachel and Santana are sitting at their desks)<em>

"A dead man is found in the desert with only a box next to him," Santana says. "Who is he and how did he die? Yes or no questions only."

"Wait, what?" Rachel asks, startled.

"That's not a yes or no question."

"What is the purpose of this?"

"Again, not a yes or no question. But I bet that you won't figure it out by the end of the day," Santana challenges.

"I most certainly will!" Rachel retorts. "Is the box black?"

"No."

"So he wasn't in a plane crash," Rachel deduces. "Is this man real?"

"No, he's a fictional character," Santana says. "It's a good thing you figured that out quickly. Now you're like, thirty percent of the way there."

"I knew it!" Rachel says triumphantly as Santana walks away laughing.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: Damn it – I bet she made that number up! But I have no way of knowing for sure until I figure it out. Double damn it. She knew that would bug me more than anything.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where the two teams are warming up)<em>

"I just noticed something," Finn says, eyeing Azimio. "The warehouse team has a black guy. We're gonna get our butts kicked."

"That's just a stereotype," Sam tells him. "Besides, you're gigantic so you must be good at basketball, right?"

"Um… no," Finn says. "And I kinda lied in my interview earlier when I said it was one of my top skills."

Sam pats him on the shoulder. "Leave it all to me. Maybe if we win, Quinn will stop ignoring me and treat me to another round of horizontal hokey pokey."

"What does putting something in and out and shaking it all about have to do with – oh. Gotcha," Finn says, embarrassed.

"Okay! Let's get the show on the road," Puck insists loudly. "I only get an hour thirty for lunch."

"Don't you mean an hour?" Terri asks mid-stretch.

Puck looks away guiltily. "Whatever you say."

* * *

><p>TERRI: He takes <em>hour and a half<em> lunches? He must've learned that from me. Oh God. No wonder this place went to hell in a hand basket.

* * *

><p>"Play dirty, Puck!" Quinn cheers, smirking when she sees the look on Sam's face. "Stick it in the hole!"<p>

"You mean _take it to the hole_?" Lauren asks, annoyed.

Quinn nods. "Yeah! Stick it right in!"

* * *

><p>QUINN: I was a cheerleader so of course I know the terminology. I just want to rile Sam up and make him think there's something going on between me and Puck so maybe he'll take his shirt off or something. Serves him right. Plus, it's been kind of a slow week in customer service and I have to entertain myself somehow.<p>

* * *

><p>LAUREN: I was the statistician for my high school's basketball team and not only that, I was 100% accurate. Still am. Not to name any names, but that's about 100% better than one of our other accountants.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Tina searches her desk for something)<em>

"Are you ready to go to lunch?" Mercedes asks her.

Tina sighs. "I think April got my car keys. Do you mind driving?"

"Sure," Mercedes says, "but I thought you always locked them in your drawer."

"I do! She's like… she's… I don't even _know_ how she does it," Tina replies.

* * *

><p>TINA: If Terri wanted a ninja, she should've gone to April first. Not Mike.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse – where the office team is clearly struggling against the dockhand team)<em>

Puck dribbles past Sam and shoots an easy layup. "Hey Jimmy Nerdtron, I don't wanna hear any more about you porking my ex-girlfriend," he threatens.

Sam looks at him in astonishment. "You and Quinn?"

Puck shoves past him and says, "Who'd you think knocked her up?"

* * *

><p>SAM: I kind of want to confront her about this now. I mean, I know the adoption was years ago, but still… Who would want to work at the same company as their ex? And as a side note, who would want to work for this company at all?<br>TERRI: Hey Macaulay Culkin – water break's over! Quit auditioning for Home Alone Six and get back here.  
>SAM: See what I mean?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The main office – Jesse decides to try out his charm on Rachel)<em>

"So what's it going to take to get you to come have a mint julep with me after work?" he asks her.

She's about to refuse him when she remembers Quinn's advice. "Ask me again in about fifteen minutes. Or better yet, I'll come find you. Say the line exactly like you just said it," she tells him.

He wanders off and Santana leans over. "Trying to make Finn jealous, huh?" she says.

Rachel whips her head around. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Santana leans back in your chair. "Fine, you don't have to tell me anything. How about we up the stakes in our little game? If you can't guess the answer by five o'clock, then I get your parking space."

"But that's the assistant regional manager's spot," Rachel protests.

"Assistant _to_ the regional manager," Santana says. "And if you win, I'll use the desk you assigned me earlier."

"Did the man die of dehydration?" Rachel asks.

"Nope," Santana answers.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: She could Google it in two seconds, but the sad thing is that thought will probably never occur to her. Kind of like burning her wardrobe will never cross her mind either. Although seeing her in that owl sweater gives me tons of knitting ideas.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where Mike, Finn, and Sam are discussing the game)<em>

"Wow, Mike, I had no idea you were so good at basketball," Sam says, trying not to look over at Quinn and Puck, who are flirting.

"Yeah, but we still got our butts kicked," Mike replies.

Terri storms over to them. "Only because you three clowns didn't let me play."

"I think you have as much business on a basketball court as I do being an accountant," Finn tells her.

"Yeah," Sam agrees, "and aren't you supposed to be getting to know the new people instead of hanging out with us?"

Terri glares at them. "Stop being sore assholes. I mean, sore losers. You assholes."

* * *

><p>FINN: She said sore assholes! Haha. It's too bad Kurt missed it. No one gets asshole jokes like he does. Wait… is that offensive for me to say? Because he's gay?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room, where Santana and Rachel are taking a lunch)<em>

"Does the box kill him?"

"No."

"Does something _inside_ the box kill him?"

"Yes."

"Is it a bomb?"

"No."

"It's a gun! It's a gun and he killed himself."

"Nope."

"You know, Santana, you should eat healthier," Rachel says, seemingly out of questions for the time being.

Santana puts her food down. "This is a turkey sandwich."

"On white bread. With cheese. And mayonnaise," Rachel adds.

"You know, maybe you're right, Rachel," Santana says. "What are you eating?"

Rachel beams. "This is a tofurkey sandwich with soy cheese and lettuce on _whole_ grain. Care to try it?"

"Sure," Santana says as she takes the sandwich from Rachel – then promptly throws it across the break room where it lands on the floor.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Delicious.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri is walking back up to the office from the warehouse when her phone rings)<em>

"Hello? Oh hey, Will. I love it when you want phone sex during the day," Terri giggles.

"_Actually that's not why I am calling. How are things going? Because I tried to call the main office line and no one picked up,"_ Will says.

"Brittany's on lunch… I think," Terri replies. "And if she's not, then she's… dying."

"_What? Why would you say that?"_

"I don't know, Will. Unexplainable things come out of my mouth sometimes. Like that one time when I thought I had to fart and threw up instead."

"_That's… I didn't need to know that. So all of the Dayton folks are doing well so far?"_

"Yeah, I haven't really talked to any of them except to kick one downstairs to the warehouse."

"_Terri! You of all people should make them feel welcome! We talked about that this morning!"_

Terri looks around to make sure no one is watching her and picks a wedgie. "I have tons of important stuff to do! I can't remember everything."

"_That's what you have Brittany for. You should utilize her a little more. She's not as incompetent as you make her out to be, Terr."_

"Look, I love you with all of my heart and stuff, but I don't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell me how to do mine, okay?"

"_My job _is_ telling you how to do your job."_

"Fine, if you wanna get technical," Terri says.

* * *

><p>TERRI: When I said everyone in the office should try and make them feel at home, I didn't mean myself. You know why? 'Cause I'm the boss. I hold myself to a much lower standard.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel spots Finn and Sam coming through the doorway so she rushes over to Jesse's desk)<em>

"So what was it you wanted to ask me, Jesse?" she says loud enough for the entire office to hear.

He shrugs. "To be honest, I don't really remember."

"Weren't you going to ask me out?" Rachel shouts, glancing over toward the accounting department.

Jesse rolls his eyes. "I've asked every woman in the office out. It's sort of my thing."

"It's true," Lauren says. "He told me he wanted to see my cats."

"Okay – cat was _not_ the word I used," Jesse clarifies. "But I think you get the picture."

* * *

><p>LAUREN: I do have a lot of cats. Why let lesbians have all the fun?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse – where Puck and Quinn are making out on the loading dock)<em>

"I forgot what a good kisser you are," she tells him as his hands wander up and down her back. "When did you unhook my bra?"

"At least five minutes ago. I still got the magic touch. Let's go out to my truck," he tells her. "Hell – if you wanna do this the classy way, we can find a bathroom."

"Puck," she says breathlessly, "what are we doing? I'm still with Sam."

"Like you being in a relationship ever stopped us before," Puck says as he kisses her neck.

"Give it up, Puck. I don't want on your squirt gun," Quinn says.

Puck laughs. "You know as well as I do that _Super Soaker_ is more like it."

"Hmm. That seems to be the only little detail that I can't recall from our fling," she replies.

He grins. "Baby, there ain't nothin' little about it."

"I only wanted to make him jealous," she says. "And I succeeded. I'm not even sure how you roped me into this."

* * *

><p>PUCK: How is it possible that I've struck out twice in one day? Girls are usually chomping at the bit for a piece of Puckerman! I hope Tana's doing better with Britt. Shit, I just thought of something. I meant to tell her this morning that Brittany called off the engagement! Then again, I also meant to tell her the minute I found out, but it always slipped my mind. Eh, no biggie, someone's probably told her by now.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mack's desk – which is located by Mercedes and Tina – where she is playing Minesweeper)<em>

"Don't click that. It's totally a bomb," Santana whispers in her ear.

"Oh Santana, you scared me," Mack says.

Santana takes a seat in Tina's chair. "Yeah, I'm pretty damn scary if I do say so myself."

"So," Mack begins hesitantly, "I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner tonight. You're always gushing about that Italian place."

Santana laughs. "Actually, I had something else in mind. There's a ton of unopened boxes in my apartment and since Breadstix delivers, we could order in and you could unpack everything for me…"

"Okay, you had me until that last part," Mack teases.

"You didn't let me finish," Santana says with a smirk. "Once you're done – okay, once _we're_ done – we can pop in a movie and then see where the night takes us."

"Hmmm… that's a tempting offer," Mack muses. "Will there be beer?"

Rachel interrupts them. "Question: is the box bigger than a breadbox?" she asks Santana.

"Not relevant," Santana says, pointing at Rachel. "And as much as you can drink, sugarpuss," she tells Mack.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I knew this riddle would drive Rachel crazy. She's so lost. Sometimes I think it's a miracle she even made it out of the womb.<p>

* * *

><p>MACK: Are things getting serious between me and Santana? Yeah, I'd say so. We've been on a few dates since Olive Garden. I <em>really<em> like her. I hope saying that doesn't jinx anything. It won't, will it?

* * *

><p><em>(April's desk – where she looks around to see if anyone is watching before she opens the bottom drawer of her filing cabinet)<em>

"C'mere," she motions to the camera, "come 'n see my loot!"

The camera pans in on a grocery bag which April ceremoniously dumps out onto her desk. "Now while Yao Ming and Yoko Ono are making out in the supply closet, I'll show y'all what I've collected today! This watch belonged to Curly Jr. – you know, the one who looks like Will? These seven keys are from various donors, as is this vial of blood. Or maybe it's Kool-Aid. I'll have to run a taste test and see. This shoe is from Terri's gym bag. The _'I brake for fat cats'_ bumper skicker is off a car. I found this sandwich on the floor and I gots to tell you – it smells awful, but it's actually not bad! My Bontempo Road crew'll be pleased, that's for sure."

* * *

><p>APRIL: What is the purpose of all this? I'm practicing for when I steal the Declaration of Independence! Saw it in a movie once starring Mel Gibson. I think it was <em>Ghost Rider<em>. Or _Ghost Busters_.

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner)<em>

"I'm sorry."

Quinn looks up to see Sam standing there.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, "for teasing you about the whole Rachel thing. I should've dropped it."

"I'm the one who should apologize," she says. "I was trying to make you jealous by flirting with Puck."

"Well, it worked," Sam replies.

"Me and Puck are _long_ over," she lies.

Sam nods. "Okay. I trust you."

* * *

><p>SAM: The things I'll do for sex, man.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri gathers the Dayton people – minus Dave and Santana – in the conference room)<em>

"Congratulations on almost completing your first day," she says. "Originally, I had planned a powwow of sorts for you guys, but that sort of fell through. My Indian costume and one of my tennis shoes is missing. I'm not sure if there's a connection, but if you have any information, I'd really like that stuff back."

"That's too bad," Jesse says, feigning disappointment. "Maybe you and I can discuss it over drinks?"

Terri blushes. "No – I can't. I'm in a relationship, which practically makes me engaged, which practically makes me married. But I'm flattered."

"I'm not opposed to a devil's threesome," Jesse says and Aphasia rolls her eyes.

"Cut the crap," Mack tells him.

"Anyway," Terri continues, "I hope you enjoy your time here at Lima and if you ever need anything, let me know. I'm a great listener – and I'm constantly trying to improve on things around here. That's all I really wanted to say so… meeting adjourned."

* * *

><p>TERRI: He's trying to sleep with me already? Terri Del Monico, you are one <em>sexy<em> regional manager.

* * *

><p><em>(Santana and Rachel's desks)<em>

Santana checks her watch. "Only a few more minutes left."

"Is there an animal in the box?" Rachel asks.

"No."

"Aha!" Rachel announces. "I've got it! The man is Indiana Jones and the item in the box is the Ark of the Covenant. When he opened it, he was instantly killed."

"Close, but no cigar. Besides, Indy was smart enough to close his eyes when the Ark was opened. One minute, Rachel."

"Hey guys, I heard you talking about Indiana Jones," Sam says. "Did you know that –"

"Not now, Sam!" Rachel shrieks. "Uh… it's Voldemort! Voldemort and it's… the… what do you call it… Horcrux! It's the last Horcrux and Harry killed it and left him for dead."

"Oh – time's up," Santana says. "And that's also wrong."

"So what is it?" Sam asks.

"You're going to shoot yourself in the foot when you hear the answer. The man – Superman. The item in the box – Kryptonite," Santana explains. "I hear it's going to rain tomorrow, by the way. Good thing my new parking spot's _super_ close to the door."

* * *

><p>SAM: Seriously? I would've taken that riddle over rock, paper, scissors any day! I love Superman. I could have figured that out so easily!<br>RACHEL: I don't want to hear it, Sam. All you lost was your desk! I lost my parking space _and_ my dignity.  
>SAM: Just don't cry, okay? Santana said I have to play <em>The Tears of a Clown<em> every time you do.

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse – the camera shows Puck waving to Dave and Azimio, but when zoomed in, it's revealed that he's actually on the phone)<em>

"Hey Sugar," he says, "I know you probably don't want to hear my voice right now – but I realized something today. I have a job, I provide for my mom and sister, and I'm a good man. I know I haven't always treated you right, but I can do better. I can be better. So call me back whenever you hear this, I guess."

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk – the clock reads 5:05)<em>

"Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" Santana asks Brittany.

Brittany sits up straighter. "Nothing really. What'd you have in mind?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out," Santana says. "You and Artie… me and Mack. We could double."

Brittany's heart plummets. "Mack?" she repeats.

"Maybe this was a bad idea," Santana says, scratching her head.

"It's fine, Santana. I-I-I just didn't know you two were dating," Brittany stammers. "But uh, Artie can't come."

"Oh," Santana says, surprised, "I mean we weren't planning on going ice skating or tap dancing or anything like that. We'll most likely bar hop or see a movie –"

"He can't come because we broke up!" Brittany blurts out.

"God, Brittany, I am _so_ sorry," Santana apologizes. "I didn't know – otherwise I wouldn't have said anything…"

Brittany reaches for her hand, comforting her. "Like you said, you didn't know."

"Hey Santana, are you ready to go?" Mack asks.

"I am if you are," Santana replies with a smile, taking her hand back. "See you, Britt."

Brittany watches them walk out the door.

"I didn't know you two were good friends," Mack says.

"Yeah, we're practically besties," Santana tells her.

"Oh Brittany," Terri says from behind her, having witnessed the whole thing.

"Yeah?" Brittany sniffles.

"Don't go a whole day without answering the phone again," Terri says, leaving Brittany there in tears.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Some things are worth waiting for – like the <em>One Tree Hill<em> box set. And sometimes when you think your box set is in the mail, it's actually… not. Sometimes your box set goes away for a few months and comes back a different person. Or maybe liking a different person. And even though you wish your box set preferred you, maybe you just have to stick it out and see what happens. Because _you_ know that your box set is worth it – you just hope the box set remembers how it felt about you.


	11. Chapter 11

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany, but dating Mack. There's Brittany who's finally figured out her feelings for Santana and no longer engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office. <strong>Swaffelen<strong>, according to Expatica, means "to swing one's penis, making it bump against something, in order to stimulate either oneself or someone else". And I am not responsible for anyone clawing their eyes out… killer cereal.  
>AN: Thank you all so much for the reviews/favorites/alerts! I know updates are… _infrequent_, but thanks for sticking it out! Hopefully it's worth the wait. Feel free to check out my tumblr.

**Special thanks to Jax, killer cereal, and skillz.**

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany and Santana are talking)<em>

"Then the copier caught on fire and Finn whipped a hose out of his pants," Santana concludes.

Brittany laughs. "Wow, that must've been some dream."

"Oh, it was," Santana agrees. "Yeah, pretty much everyone from the office was there in some form or another. Sam started the fire. And Jesse was like, a flame monster – he was just flaming all over the place. You know… so were a few other people now that I think about it. Definitely Kurt. Maybe Quinn and Rachel, too."

"Speaking of Jesse," Brittany says, her voice low, "I know he asked all the girls in the office out, but isn't he gay? I kind of get that vibe from him."

"No, but he is the gayest straight man I've ever met," Santana replies. "Wait – did he ask you out?"

"No," Brittany smiles.

"Really?" Santana says in disbelief, although there's a hint of relief in there, too. "Well, I wouldn't sweat it if I were you."

Brittany rolls her eyes. "Trust me, I'm not."

April giggles behind them. "Shhh – don't tell nobody, but I'm higher than a Georgia pine!" she says. "And I smell like one, too. I gots me a new car freshener!"

"You gotta be kidding me," Santana mutters loudly enough for Brittany to hear.

"What is it?" Brittany asks.

Santana sighs. "She didn't ask me if I wanted to throw in."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: <em>What, <em>like you wouldn't do the same? Terri's office is directly behind me, Jesse's desk is to my left, Rachel's dead ahead, and Brittany's on my right. And guess what direction I'm looking when my underboobs start to sweat uncontrollably.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: We've been talking a lot more lately, but whenever we do, I get this… nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away.<br>APRIL: You gots the munchies.  
>BRITTANY: That's not it.<br>APRIL: I was talking to myself! Hey, can I borrow some quarters? 'Cause there's a Snickers in there that's calling my name. Seriously! April! _April!_ D'ya hear that?  
>BRITTANY: No.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office)<em>

"_Terri, I was in your apartment and I saw a tail sticking out from under your bed. You know we have a strict 'no pets' policy."_

"I don't see how the raccoon in my apartment violates the terms of my lease, Howard. Seriously, how dumb can you be? I told you to get rid of him months ago. He should be dog food or glue sticks or the main course at a restaurant by now," Terri says. "Hold on – I have another call."

Terri pauses to switch lines. "You've reached Terri Schue– Del Monico."

"_Hey, Terri. It's Will. Look, I just called to say that I'm sorry about cancelling our last four dates. I've had a lot of paperwork to muddle through because of the mini-merger."_

"It's not like I took it personally, Will," Terri says, although she nods gravely at the camera. "I mean, we've only been dating several months and have been in love longer than that. Years, in my case. Mind if I put you on hold? Since, you know, you have no problems doing it to me."

Will sighs. _"Fine,"_ he says.

"Sorry about that, Howard. It was my boyfriend calling to say he'll beat you up for threatening me."

"_Will still gels his hair. I think I'll be okay."_

"You don't have to be such a smartass, Howard. It's not like you have much going on. You're the worst landlord since Mr. Heckles _and_ you're afraid of your vacuum. Do you know how lucky you are to have an amazing tenant like me? And I'll admit, I've grown rather fond of that mangy pest, but I still want him out, okay?"

"_He's _your_ boyfriend," _Howard says slowly.

"No, dummy, I was talking about – never mind. I have another call. I'm putting you back on hold and you'd better still be on the line when I pick up again." Terri presses another button. "Hello?"

"_Since when are _you_ on a reality show?"_

Terri wrinkles her nose. "Patches? How did you get my number?"

"_Do I _sound_ like the homeless guy in front of the library to you, Terri?"_

"Oh," Terri says, "sorry, Kendra."

"_Were you even _planning_ on telling me that you're about to be as famous as those nutjobs with thirty kids?"_

"It's not a reality show," Terri explains. "It's a documentary. Besides, they've been filming for months."

"_Terri, this is my opportunity to become the next Anna Nicole Smith! You have to let me come to the office and –"_

"I'm really busy, Kendra. Hold on." Terri pushes another button. A groan is heard. "Will, what have I told you about phone sex at work?"

"_This is still your sister."_

Terri takes a closer look at the phone and blinks a few times. "Trying to convince me that you have sex appeal over the phone isn't going to work. This documentary has standards, Kendra. It's not just people running amuck doing whatever they please!" Terri says in exasperation as she watches April line dancing right outside her office.

"_I'm coming down there whether you like it or not. I'm your older sister. I know best."_

"Fine, but if I break into hives because of you, I'm taking back your Christmas present. I still have the receipt from Pottery Barn," she says. This time, she hits a random button on the phone and swears loudly when all she gets is a dial tone before punching another button. "Will?" she asks hopefully.

"_No, this is Howard Bamboo. How may I help you?"_

"You idiot, I only put you on hold seven minutes ago!"

"_Mom?"_

"Forget it, Howard." And with that, she switches the line once more. "Will?" she asks again.

"_No, this is Brittany. Will wanted me to tell you that he had to go and that he's sorry he couldn't tell you himself, but it was urgent."_

"He probably had to get back to his magazine collection," Terri scoffs. "Anyway, _why_ would you patch my sister through? She frightens me."

"_She frightens me, too,"_ Brittany argues, making eye contact with Terri through the window of the office. _"But you told me not to ignore the phone."_

Terri looks away, ending their staring contest. "Yeah, but I didn't actually think you'd listen."

* * *

><p>TERRI: Brittany, get the label maker out of the supply closet. <em>If<em> you can get past Mike and Tina's tangled limbs, that is. I want labels for Will's line, Howard's line, Sue's line…  
>BRITTANY: You don't understand how a phone works, do you?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The supply closet)<em>

"Did you hear something?" Mike asks, pulling away from Tina ever so slightly.

Tina continues to kiss Mike's neck and unbutton his shirt. "No one but Brittany ever comes in here and I put the paperclip chain on the doorknob so she knows not to disturb us."

"Yeah, I know, but Terri's kind of… spontaneous at times."

"You're right," Tina says, admiring Mike's newest hickey. "Next time we'll put peanut butter on the door, too."

"Then how do we ward off April?" Mike wonders. "The peanut butter will just attract her like a moth to a flame."

Tina sighs. "All this talk about other women is killing the mood."

Mike kisses her forehead. "I figured it would've been the moths."

* * *

><p>MIKE: Our wedding's coming up soon and I couldn't be more excited! It's going to be so classy 'cause that's just the kind of couple we are.<br>TINA: Mike, I think I left my thong back there.  
>MIKE: But it's a <em>classy<em> thong.

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department)<em>

"Hey, Aphasia," Finn says, leaning back in his chair. "You've helped me so much since you got here. Can I buy you lunch as a way of saying thank you?"

"See? I knew you wasn't as dumb as you look," Aphasia says with a grin. "Now do you have the cd I loaned you?"

"Nope," Finn apologizes bashfully, "I forgot it at home."

Aphasia shrugs. "I'll just put it on your tab."

Finn perks up. "I know how those work now!" he says.

Lauren, having heard their entire conversation, shakes her head.

* * *

><p>LAUREN: Years! That's how long I've tried to teach Finn the basic principles of accounting. I didn't believe it at first when Kurt told me, but I've seen it with my own eyes. So there's only one logical explanation… witchcraft.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The main room – Jesse's desk)<em>

"I'm in a rut," Jesse announces to Mack – who is seated in the desk next to him.

Mack sighs. "Sleeping with four different women in the past week doesn't exactly qualify as a rut."

"So I'm a slut in a rut. What's your point?"

"My point is that doesn't make sense. You can't be in a rut when you're getting that much tail."

"Jealous?" Jesse teases. "Besides, it's hardly an accomplishment. Most of these Lima farm girls look like something out of _The Hills Have Eyes_. I want a quality lay. Like the kind I used to get back in Dayton. You do remember Dayton, don't you? It had everything I could ever want in a hometown: multiple traffic lights, fancy boutiques, and restaurants whose finest wine wasn't just a bottle of Arbor Mist with the label peeled off."

"Hey! I like Arbor Mist," Mack interjects.

April pops her head out from under Jesse's desk. "You and me both, sister!"

Mack flinches in her seat. "Jesus, April, you scared the hell out of me!"

"I don't know why you're so surprised," April says to Mack. "You aren't the one I was tryin' to give a bj to."

* * *

><p>APRIL: Normally I can suck the chrome off a tailpipe, but my mouth's drier than a nun's vagina from all that ganja I smoked… and that cotton ball I ate. Would've felt like sandpaper on his oodalolly.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: I'm looking for something more substantial than surprise blowies from a floozy hiding underneath my desk. I want a relationship that's built on trust and love… and hopefully she won't mind when I cheat on her.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse)<em>

Dave pats Puck on the shoulder. "You gotta stop crying, man," he tells him. "We got stuff to do."

Puck sniffles. "Don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't really know that much about chicks," Dave whispers, "but they have blood that gushes out of them for _days_. Why would you want to be in a relationship with that?"

"If this is your attempt to convince me to switch teams, it's ain't working," Puck jokes feebly.

Dave smiles. "C'mon, you still gotta teach me how to operate the forklift."

* * *

><p>DAVE: Can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Terri was right when she said I'd fit in well down here.<br>TERRI: Can I get that in writing?  
>DAVE: Oh my God, where did you come from?<br>TERRI: I guess it _is_ on film… Carry on.

* * *

><p><em>(April's desk)<em>

"Hey Sambo, my Bontempo Road crew now has a gang sign. You wanna see?" April asks Sam.

Sam blinks. "April, that's just a thumbs up."

"Ex-actly! All you honkies will never suspect a thing! Just don't tell anyone. I have a key to your apartment, comprende?"

Sam scratches his head. "Whatever you say. Anyway, I gotta go down to the warehouse in a little while. Need anything while I'm there?"

April perks up. "Wamagowiya?"

"What do Native Americans have to do with anything?" Sam asks.

"Bless your heart," April says as she loops her arm through his. "C'mon."

* * *

><p>SAM: Wamagowiya, according to April, is an abbreviation of "Want me to go with you?", which I didn't know needed abbreviating.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Like mama always said; Wamagowiya, Wamacomwimi, Ballsacagawea.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room, where Kurt and Rachel are talking)<em>

"…then I _told_ Blaine he couldn't reenact that scene from _Risky Business_ because he doesn't own any socks."

"There are more important matters at hand, Kurt," Rachel says, putting her hand up.

"What might those be?" he asks wryly.

"I want Santana fired."

"Haven't you tried that before?" Kurt says, setting his cup of coffee on the table.

"Munder Difflin was a brilliant plan!" Rachel snaps. "It just lacked… execution."

"And brilliance."

"Well, I'm taking a different approach this time. Forget Terri. I'm taking my complaint all the way to Sue Sylvester," Rachel rambles. "She's so high up at DuMi CoBra – that's Dunder Mifflin, Corporate Branch by the way – I bet Santana'll be looking for employment at Staples by this time tomorrow!"

"If I were to kiss you right now, would you shut up?" Kurt asks to no avail. "It was worth a shot," he mutters as she continues to chat his ear off.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I know an empty threat when I see one, okay? I've worked with Santana for years and she has yet to hold my Care Bear collection hostage.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: So then I asked Blaine if his boss minds that he never wears socks and he said no because apparently his boss doesn't wear shoes!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana's desk, where Jesse is hovering)<em>

"Who's that at the reception desk?" he asks Santana.

"The receptionist," she replies, not bothering to look up from her monitor.

"Why haven't I asked her out then?"

Santana stops typing. "Maybe she slipped under your gayd– radar."

"It is very finicky," Jesse agrees. "What kind of things does she like?"

"Dogs," Santana replies. "Violent action movies. Olive Garden. Answering the phone. Oh, and she totally looks up to Terri as a role model so I'd probably drop that name in the conversation like, eight or twelve times."

Jesse makes a mental note of it. "Dislikes?"

"Fondue, Dr. Pepper, Beyoncé, candy, dancing," Santana pauses to think. "Basically anything fun, really. She's a serious business lady. That's all I got off the top of my head."

"That's all I need," Jesse assures her. "On second thought... what's her name?"

Santana smiles wickedly. "She goes by Susan."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I seriously doubt Jesse remembers that conversation we had about Brittany at Thanksgiving and I'd bet my homemade sweater collection that he'll never put two and two together. And even if I didn't feed him all that bullshit, it's not like she's gonna say yes… right?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse)<em>

Dave looks down at Puck from his seat on the forklift. "So wait, you let a paraplegic drive this thing? What does the guy with no thumbs do?"

"Who, Henri? Mostly he just paws at the door, but he can carry light stuff," Puck replies. "Sometimes he gets too excited and spills it everywhere though."

"No wonder you needed help down here," Dave shakes his head.

Puck continues to explain how to operate the forklift when he gets a text. "Damn."

"What is it?" Dave asks.

Puck groans. "It's my ex, Sugar. I casually asked how things were going with her new boyfriend and she called me an asshole!"

"Let me see that," Dave reaches for the phone. "Puck, you called him a pussy."

"Yeah, but _casually_."

"If it makes you feel any better," Dave says, "I'd take an asshole over a pussy any day."

* * *

><p>PUCK: Sugar ignored that voicemail I left her. She only replies to my texts because I threatened to stop paying for her voice lessons. Most people think it's a lost cause and I tend to agree. She's no Adele. Hell, she isn't even Rebecca Black! But she loves those lessons… and I love being her sugar daddy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Emma's office)<em>

Emma straightens her Dundies. "So how may I help you ladies?" she asks.

Santana and Mack exchange looks. "We need to fill out some paperwork," Mack says. "Regarding… dating."

"Oh my, okay," Emma replies. She stands up and walks over to her filing cabinet. "First of all, this is a consensual relationship agreement. It states that your involvement is voluntary and it also lists what is and isn't appropriate. Please note that making out in the supply closet is listed under the don'ts."

"We would never do anything like that in the office," Mack says.

"Yes, well, it's too bad Mike and Tina don't share that sentiment," Emma replies. "You're awfully quiet, Santana. I mean, not that we talk or anything. I didn't mean to imply that we're close. Because… I'll stop rambling now."

Santana smiles hesitantly. "I'm just happy."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I like Mack, but this is all moving really fast and I don't have the heart to tell her no. The only person whose spirit I wanna crush wears an owl sweater that uses the exact location of her nipples for the eye placement.<p>

* * *

><p>EMMA: It's so nice to see the camera in my office again. It feels like it's been a while. You guys always wipe your feet on my doormat before you come in. And you don't make fun of me for being– I mean, <em>having<em> a doormat.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: It's the only sweater I have an exact replica of at home.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mack and Santana walk out of Emma's office)<em>

"Big sales call today, right?" Santana asks.

"Yep. My first one in Lima," Mack responds. "I'm about to leave. Walk me to my car?"

"Sure," Santana says.

She walks out the door with Mack trailing closely behind, passing a blonde woman on the stairwell – who brushes past them without a word.

_(The camera shows them in the parking lot)_

"Wish me luck," Mack says as Santana opens her car door.

Santana laughs. "So demanding. Good luck."

Mack smiles slyly. "Now kiss me."

Santana obliges.

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse – Puck's on the phone)<em>

Dave puts the forklift into park. "We'd be done by now if you would just get off the phone."

"Hey! Who's giving this lesson? You or me?" Puck asks Dave. "Sorry about that, Sug," he sweet talks into the phone. "Just one of the dockhands. Yeah, I know. Anyway, what were you saying? Space Camp? How much is that gonna cost me? Okay. I'll see what I can do."

"You're not even in a relationship with this chick," Dave groans. "So why are you paying for her to go to Space Camp?"

"You mean to tell me that if your ex-dude scored you tickets to Space Camp, you wouldn't get back together with him?" Puck whispers.

"That shouldn't be her only reason for wanting to get back together with you," says Dave.

* * *

><p>DAVE: I Googled it on my phone. It's over five hundred dollars. Although the first website I checked was kind of sketchy. Remind me never to search for "Adult Space Camp" ever again.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk. The blonde that passed Mack and Santana on the stairs walks in)<em>

"Welcome to Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch," Brittany greets.

"Quit playing it up for the cameras, Brittany," Kendra replies as she adjusts her Wonderbra and winks. "No wonder my sister hates you. Speaking of which, where is Terri?"

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'd say I'm surprised to hear that Terri hates me, but I'm really not. It's okay though. I hate her more.<p>

* * *

><p>"Kendra! It's so nice to see you," Terri says as she hugs her sister.<p>

Kendra purses her lips. "They're showing repeats of _The Price is Right_ all week so I thought I'd drop in unannounced and see how my baby sister's doing at her big girl job!"

Terri pulls Kendra aside. "They were filming earlier when you called so they know you're not just randomly stopping by."

"Well, you don't become a star by sitting at home," Kendra reasons as she brushes past Terri. "Anna Nicole never would've met J. Howard Marshall if it hadn't been for the strip club."

"You have a point," Terri concedes. "And I did meet Will here at work. Although I like to imagine us as high school sweethearts."

Brittany makes a disgusted face. "Gross."

"Terri, do you still get a discount at Sheets N Things? This place could use a makeover," Kendra calls out as she eyes Kurt suspiciously.

"How did she get past security?" Terri whispers to Brittany.

"We don't have any security," Brittany whispers back.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Feel free to scrap whatever footage you have of my sister at the end of the day.<p>

* * *

><p>KENDRA: Get me a sandwich. With bacon. And a Diet Coke. And some Oreos. If they're not Double Stuf, you can get the fuck out. You know what? Just point me in the direction of the craft service table. But still get me those things I listed. And I need a reservation for Breadstix tonight at seven. Giardi. Table for two.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel's desk)<em>

Rachel peeks over at Santana's empty desk – her arch nemesis is currently talking to Brittany at the reception area. "Relax, Rachel, she doesn't suspect a thing," she mutters as she dials the phone number for the corporate office. "Yes, I'd like to speak to Sue Sylvester."

"_Sue wants me to tell you that she is in no way avoiding you. She's too busy to come to the phone because she's rifling through her rifle collection," _says Becky Jackson. _"Call back later."_

"Fine. Will twenty minutes work?" Rachel asks.

Becky hangs up on her.

_(The camera pans over to the reception desk)_

"So did my eyes deceive me or did I pass Kendra on the stairs?" Santana asks Brittany.

"She's here, alright," Brittany sighs. "Unfortunately."

"What, no love for the older Del Monico?" Santana teases.

Brittany bites her lip. "What did you come up here for, anyway?"

"Can't a lady just talk to her best lady friend?" Santana says, although Brittany's clearly not buying it. "Fine. I figured that since the supply closet's been evacuated, it was safe to ask you a question."

"Oh?" Brittany responds. Something about Santana's tone piques her interest. It sounds serious. "Well, like you said, we are lady friends... so I guess that qualifies you to ask me a question."

"Um…" Santana swallows. "Do you mind grabbing me some staples?"

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I don't know why it bothers me so much that Santana's keeping me in the dark about something. I should be used to it by now.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I was going to tell her about my – strictly speaking – <em>new<em> girlfriend. Until I chickened out, that is. Disappointing someone you care about is like, the worst feeling in the world.

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where April is practically dragging Sam down the stairs)<em>

"Henri-i!" April calls. "I broughts you a little pick-me-up!"

"Is it NyQuil?" Henri asks hopefully.

"Does a yeast infection smell?" April jokes as she pulls the bottle out of her handbag. "Hold on – lemme unscrew the lid for ya since we _all_ know what happened last time."

"What happened last time?" Sam asks out of curiosity.

"Whaddya think happened? Guy's got no thumbs!" April says. "Try havin' a little tact!"

* * *

><p>SAM: I guess Henri's not in the gang then.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk)<em>

"Thank you for calling Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch. How may I help you?" Brittany props the phone between her head and her shoulder and continues to play Solitaire.

"_That's a beautiful name."_

"Um… I didn't tell you my name."

"_I know. But it's beautiful. Just like you."_

Brittany sits up. "Okay, who is this?"

"_Don't you recognize the sound of my voice?"_

"Lord Tubbington, if this about the time I dressed you up as Insane Clown Pussy–"

"_No! This is your secret admirer. I've watched you from afar, Susan."_

Brittany frowns. "I think you have the wrong number."

"_I know I have the right number. You know why? 'Cause I'm the right guy for you."_

"Please just tell me who this is. You're creeping me out."

"_I see you're not one for games. My source was right. You are a serious lady. This is Jesse. I'm waving at you from across the room. I just winked. Did you see the wink?"_

Brittany looks over at Jesse. "I'm hanging up now."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Honestly, I would've preferred a call from Lord Tubbington. Or even the raccoon. Heck, I probably would've rather talked to Artie.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: Susan's got a lot of qualities I look for in a woman. Broad shoulders. Big hands. And I bet she'd look great with short hair.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office)<em>

"So how are Phil and the kids?" Terri asks Kendra.

"Oh, you know… mangy and disease-ridden as ever. All four of them caught the chicken pox last month."

"That's terrible," Terri sympathizes. "At least they had you to take care of them."

"What kind of nuts have you been sniffing? I stayed at the Marriott," Kendra says as she plops down in Terri's chair. "And only used my phone to order room service."

"But you've had chicken pox before," Terri says.

Kendra leans in. "Why risk it?"

"You're so full of good points today," Terri agrees.

* * *

><p>KENDRA: I'll tell you one thing. Terri's been spending too much time with that raccoon and not enough with family. She really needs to sort out her priorities.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Finn and Aphasia – at lunch)<em>

"So…" Finn asks as he fiddles with his fork. "How'd you get into accounting?"

Aphasia looks up from her free meal. "Where the money go, Aphasia follow."

Finn props his elbows on the table. "Lauren said I should've gone to Hamburger University."

"That ain't right," Aphasia says.

"Thanks–"

"You shoulda went to Burger King's training facility."

"What?" Finn sputters.

Aphasia laughs. "Just playin'."

* * *

><p>APHASIA: Aphasia don't play.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk)<em>

"For the millionth time, Howard, I'm not going out with you. Bye." Brittany slams down the phone.

"Rough day at the office?" Santana asks from her desk. The rubber band she's playing with launches itself at Brittany. "Oh my God – I'm _so_ sorry, Britt! It was an accident, I swear."

To her surprise, Brittany laughs. "Oh yeah? Let's see how you like _this_!" And with that, Brittany rips the cap off a highlighter and throws it at Santana – who shrieks like a little girl.

"You're gonna regret giving me that refill!" Santana yells as she pops the stapler open.

Brittany uses a folder as a shield. "Like those things will really make it this far!"

"They also said man would never walk on the moon, but now there's an app for that!" Santana says as she dodges a packet of Post-Its. "No fair, you have unlimited ammo!" she adds as Brittany backs toward the supply closet.

"There's nothing you can do to stop me," Brittany boasts, not noticing the paperclip chain wrapped around the doorknob.

Santana apparently doesn't notice either. "If you do that, then I'll be forced to take shelter in Terri's office. You wouldn't do that to another lady soldier, would you?"

"It's every lady for herself," Brittany apologizes as she yanks the door open to reveal two very naked people – whose privates are blurred by the censors. "Holy Abraham Lincoln!"

* * *

><p>SANTANA: If I ever had sex in the office, it wouldn't be in the supply closet. The bathroom's also out because that skeevy Mr. Kidney totally mops the floor with his jizz. It's true. I saw him do it.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: It's too bad Mike and Tina aren't into threesomes. I kind of wanted to be in the middle of an Asian sandwich. What? I'm kidding!<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: So where would I have sex in the office? Well, there is one desk…<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office– Kendra's snooping on Brittany and Santana's supply war through the blinds)<em>

"Wow, you really do forget the cameras are there after a while," Kendra says, running her fingers through the blinds, but instead of fixing them, she just makes it worse.

"They catch me napping all the time," Terri replies from her chair. "The worst is when I'm asleep and I've forgotten to close Internet Explorer. Then everyone make fun of me for using Internet Explorer."

Kendra snickers, but recovers quickly. "Terri, I'm going to put it as simply as I can. Nobody listens to you and the reason they don't listen to you is because _you're dipping your pen in the company ink_!"

"Of course I am. It's a Dunder Mifflin pen," Terri says, not quite understanding.

Kendra rubs her temples. "You're dating Will, which means you can practically get away with murder. And employees are like children – they see you getting away with something and think that means they can get away with _everything_."

"I never thought about it like that," Terri says. "Although it does explain why Mike and Tina basically live in the supply closet."

"They steal from the company?" Kendra asks.

"No," Terri assures her. "They'd only do that if this was a condom factory."

* * *

><p>TERRI: Maybe it's a good thing my sister's here, unless she set up booby traps around the office – like open packages of Nutter Butters or Reese's or even Almond Joy. That's how she kept me out of her room when we were kids. Then one day I came home and there were circus peanuts under my pillow. She told me the tooth fairy left them there as a warning and I should stop reading other people's diaries.<p>

* * *

><p>KENDRA: Right now it's less about becoming a reality star and more about helping my sister become an actual authority figure. I can do anything I set my mind to. I gave birth to triplets after all. And I'm pretty sure they're all three the antichrist.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse – April and Henri are trying to convince Sam to take a shot of NyQuil)<em>

"I think I'll pass," he tells them.

April offers it to him again. "C'mon, what's the worst that could happen?" she slurs.

"I could lose my thumbs!" Sam argues.

April and Henri exchange glances. "We'll keep you away from the jigsaw," Henri promises. "Scout's honor. I'd do the sign, but it requires my whole hand."

"I know somethin' else that requires a whole hand!" April cackles.

* * *

><p>APRIL: I know what you were thinkin'. And it ain't what you were thinkin'. Unless you were thinkin' of fistin'.<p>

* * *

><p>HENRI: I can still do the shocker though.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Breadstix – Aphasia listens as Finn complains about Rachel)<em>

"But she can be so decepting sometimes," Finn whines.

"Deceptive," Aphasia corrects. "If she's as bad as you say she is, don't get back together with her."

"I like her so much. Maybe even love her."

Aphasia groans. "So get back together with her."

Finn's spirits lift for a moment before he frowns again. "But she ignored me."

"So don't get back together."

"But… she's _so_ cute. She actually has a nice body underneath all of those layers."

Aphasia, clearly at her wit's end, signals to the waiter for the check. "Then get back together."

"But she never introduced me to her dads. I don't have a problem with gay people," Finn says. "I mean, it's not like I'm a homophone."

Aphasia slams her hand down on the table. "Okay, that's the dumbest thing you've said all lunch and trust me, I've been keeping a list in my head. Pay the damn bill and let's get outta here before I shank you."

* * *

><p>APHASIA: Finn wasn't too bad when we was just doing accounting, but now he's pouring his heart out and I'm just supposed to listen like I'm motherfuckin' Oprah? Nuh uh. I don't think so. I can't be around this on a daily basis.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner)<em>

"Of course our paper's flammable!" Quinn hisses at the customer on the phone. "_Especially_ if you pour gasoline on it. Well, I wouldn't say it's less flammable than the competition, but I don't think it's _more_ flammable either."

Quinn takes a deep breath as she continues to listen to the insane customer. "Are you by any chance related to an April Rhodes?" she asks.

Mike rolls his chair over. "You should put that on speakerphone."

Tina, sitting in his lap, nods in agreement.

Quinn puts her hand over the receiver. "Have either of you seen Sam?"

They both shrug. "We've been together all day," Mike says. "The only other person we've really seen is Brittany."

Tina blushes. "And she saw plenty of us."

* * *

><p>QUINN: Huh. I didn't think Mike and Tina were into threesomes.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany and Santana are on the floor picking up various office supplies from their "war")<em>

"So get this," Brittany says, "Jesse called me earlier."

"You don't say," Santana banters.

"He thought my name was Susan," Brittany tells her. "And you're the only person here who knows my middle name."

Santana pretends not to hear her. "Ah, there's my stress ball," she says as she reaches behind a potted plant. "It's the only kind of ball I like to squeeze."

A leather boot comes into Santana's line of vision. "Ladies," Jesse greets.

"Speaking of squeezed balls, how tight are those pants, Jesse?" Brittany asks.

Jesse fake laughs. "Oh Susan, best leave the jokes to me."

"My name's Brittany."

"Brittany… Brittany… Brittany," Jesse says. He thinks for a moment. "That's even more beautiful than Susan."

Santana rolls her eyes.

"Thanks," Brittany replies. "I didn't pick it though... so I'll be sure to pass along the message."

"Talking to your parents about me already?" Jesse says, surprised. "Anyway, Brittany, I was thinking about taking my dog to the park this weekend and I was wondering if you'd like to join me and Lionel."

"You have a dog?" Santana asks.

"You named him Lionel?" Brittany adds.

Jesse ignores both of their questions. "Then afterwards we'll go to Olive Garden and talk business. Maybe see an action flick."

"No thanks," Brittany declines. "I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm not really looking for anything right now."

"Santana didn't mention that," Jesse says disappointedly.

"I was too busy looking for my balls," Santana says. "I just know there's another one around here somewhere."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Even if I did have an interest in dating Jesse, he'd never pass the Lord Tubbington test. As a matter of fact, Artie never passed that test. I should really listen to my cat more often.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Seeing Jesse get rejected almost made me feel sorry for him – then I remembered he put a tracking device in my purse and followed me to Puck's house on Thanksgiving. And he's a douchebag.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel ducks into the break room and pulls out her cell phone)<em>

"Rachel Berry calling for Sue Sylvester," she says. She taps her foot impatiently while she waits for Becky to get Sue.

"_Rachel Berry,"_ Sue replies. _"Wasn't expecting your call."_

"This is the seventeenth time I've called today!" Rachel says. "And I want you to launch a serious investigation against Santana Lopez. She is the laziest –"

"_Hold it right there, sister. Are we talking about the same Santana who was Dayton's highest seller for the month of November? And the same one who's on track to be the highest seller in the company this month?"_

"She… _what_?" Rachel shrieks.

"_We've got our eye on her, that's for sure. She's got management material written all over her. Normally, I don't care for immigrants of any kind – particularly illegal ones – but if I were you, I'd suck up to her and I'd suck hard because chances are she'll be your boss one day."_

"No!" Rachel exclaims. "Santana hardly lifts a finger! She – she spends all her time pussyfooting around and making my life miserable–"

"_Like I said; management material. I've gotta get back to my hovercraft now so don't be offended if I hang up mid-sent–"_

* * *

><p>RACHEL: It's not fair. I'm the hardest worker around here. I want it more than she does, I know it.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse)<em>

"On three – one, two, three!" Sam says as he, April, and Henri take another shot of NyQuil.

"You know what we should do?" Henri asks.

"Bang like a screen door durin' a hurricane?" April suggests.

"What?" Sam says.

"What?" April repeats.

"I was thinking that since I can no longer operate heavy machinery, one of us could give the other two a ride around the warehouse on a hand truck," Henri explains. "Y'know – the ones with the platforms."

"Last one there laid a rotten egg!" April squeals as she takes off to another corner of the warehouse.

* * *

><p>SAM: This stuff is awesome, man. It's like I'm drunk, but I'm not! No wonder April comes to work happy every day. I should stock up for whenever Quinn comes over.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Rachel and Santana's desks)<em>

"You've been pretty quiet today," Santana comments to Rachel. "Usually I can't get you to shut up. Not that I'm complaining, but… _why?_"

"I'm fine, Santana," Rachel hisses. She resumes working on her computer for a moment, but changes her mind. "What makes you so sure something's up?" she asks.

"Oh please," Santana replies, "you're as subtle as a clown at a mime convention."

"Be that as it may," Rachel says, "I always considered myself a better saleswoman than you – until today when I talked to Sue and she told me that your sales have skyrocketed since November."

"Seriously? That's what's bothering you?" Santana says skeptically. She sighs. "Never mind. I should've known."

"You – you get everything, okay?" Rachel whispers. "Everyone loves you, even when you're rude and obnoxious. I make one mistake and people turn their backs on me!"

Santana glances up at the reception desk where Brittany is talking on the phone. "I don't get _everything_," she says.

"Do too," Rachel accuses, "you could even have Finn if you wanted."

Sensing that Rachel's about to cry, Santana stands up and drags her out into the stairwell with the camera crew following closely behind. "I don't want Finn," Santana says. She pauses because the thought of Finn Hudson is nauseating to her. "I want… I wanted Brittany."

Rachel sniffles. "What?"

"I didn't transfer to Dayton because of your stupid Munder Difflin plan," Santana admits. "I left because I was hung up on Brittany and I wanted to move on with my life."

"What's stopping you from being with her now?" Rachel asks out of genuine curiosity.

Santana considers it for a moment. "My girlfriend."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I guess I just found something I can't compete with Santana in. That and a tanning contest.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where they've all stopped work to race the platform hand trucks)<em>

"Alright, everybody place your bets now!" Puck says. "For team one, we have the unstoppable duo of Sam 'Sucks Dick' Evans and April 'The Renegade' Rhodes! On team two, we have Dangerous Dave Karofsky and Henri the Thumbless Wonder!"

"Hey! I thought we agreed my nickname was 'Spiderman'!" Sam chimes in.

"Sorry, that's copyright. I had to come up with something else on the spot," Puck lies.

"Oh, okay," Sam relents. To be honest, he's had too many shots of NyQuil to care.

"On your mark, get set, GO!" Puck shouts and the two teams race off – with Sam and Dave as the drivers. April clings to the sides of the cart while Henri does the best he can with no thumbs. "They're rounding the first corner. Team Bottle Blonde is in the lead!" Puck announces. "Oh, but looks like the other team is making a comeback."

"Look at the way Karofsky handled that turn," Azimio says in awe. "I feel like I'm watching history in the making."

"Wheeeeeee!" April yells. "No hands!"

"April, no!" Sam tells her. "That's not a good–"

But before he can finish that thought, April's thrown from the hand truck as Sam tries to turn a corner. "April!" Sam stumbles over to her. "Are you okay?"

Her eyes are closed and when they pop back open, they appear focused. "That one hurt," she says.

"As the Grand Master of Ceremonies, I declare Dave and Henri the winners," Puck says. "Now pay up, losers."

* * *

><p>PUCK: I won about half the money I need to send Sugar to space camp. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her she's going into outer space!<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: One second I'm barreling across the warehouse and the next I'm lying on the floor. When I opened my eyes, it was like the rose-colored beer goggles came off! That fall must've really sobered me up. I can spell chrysanthemum. I'm not spouting odd phrases like, "slicker than otter snot" or "my vagina has arthritis so you best give it a massage". And weirdest of all, I actually know how to do my job!<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: You mean she won't actually get to go into space? Fuck that! I'm spending my hard-earned cash on beer and fweed.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Emma's office)<em>

"Emma Pillsbury speaking," Emma says cheerfully.

"_Hey! It's Will. You know, I seem to be having trouble accessing my work email today. Is there any chance you could forward that–"_

A manicured finger presses down on the switch hook of the phone, cutting Emma's conversation with Will short. "Miss me?" Kendra taunts.

"L-L-Last time we spoke I cried enough to clean this entire office with my tears so I'd really appreciate it if you would please just leave," Emma says timidly.

"Why the frown? You were all smiles when I came in. It almost made your mouth look proportional to your _freakish_ eyes," Kendra continues, ignoring Emma's request.

"I was just on the phone with a friend."

"You slucking fut! You were talking to _him_ weren't you?" Kendra accuses, waggling a finger in Emma's direction. "He's Terri's now so _back off_. I wouldn't want a repeat of our last conversation if I were you."

* * *

><p>EMMA: Several years ago at a company function, I admitted to a colleague that I had a crush on another colleague. Kendra was Terri's plus one that night and overheard my confession. She accosted me in the restroom and… it still haunts me to this day.<p>

* * *

><p>KENDRA: I know it may <em>seem<em> like I'm a psycho.  
>INTERVIEWER: But…?<br>KENDRA: But what?

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse's desk)<em>

"I hate it here, Mom," Jesse says.

"_Oh Jesse, you said that when you first moved to Dayton from Akron."_

"That was different. This place doesn't even have an Olive Garden."

"_Give it time, honey."_

"I doubt they're going to build an Olive Garden in this cow pasture. This place isn't even on a map as far as I can tell," Jesse says. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Rachel bend over in her skirt.

"_No, I just meant it might take you some time to adjust. Chin up, Jesse. Remember, we love you the most, son."_

Jesse smiles. "I know."

* * *

><p>JESSE: It's decided. I want on Rachel's burning bush. Took me a while to come up with that pun. For a while I was shooting blanks – I mean, <em>drawing<em> a blank.

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room)<em>

"Ladies and gentlemen and Emma," Terri says, "I've gathered you all here today because the Asians have an announcement to make. So naturally when they told me that, I had Rachel check the parking lot. All of your cars are fine."

"You're an ass," Mercedes opines – and almost everyone nods in agreement.

"We didn't hit anybody's car," Tina snaps.

"Oh God, this is one of those exhibitionist things, isn't it?" Kendra says, which makes Terri giggle.

"We're passing out our wedding invitations," says Mike. "But you don't get one because you don't work here."

"Maybe I'll be somebody's plus one," Kendra winks at Kurt, who cringes.

"Today was fun," Brittany whispers to Santana from their seats in the back. "It felt like… old times."

Santana rummages in her purse for some gum. "Like, before I admitted my deepest, darkest secret to you? God, those _were_ the days," she jokes as she offers Brittany a piece.

Brittany doesn't respond.

"Speaking of secrets," Santana murmurs, "I came out to Rachel."

_That_ gets Brittany's attention. "How did it go?"

"Surprisingly okay," Santana answers. "I'm going to tell everyone else soon."

"Is that what you were trying to tell me earlier when you asked for staples instead?"

Santana looks away guiltily. "That's… _part_ of it. The other reason is because Mack's my girlfriend now. Officially."

Brittany swallows her gum.

* * *

><p>MIKE: In hindsight, maybe we just should've mailed the invitations.<br>TINA: Honey, we agreed to save money on postage.  
>MIKE: Maybe we should've saved money on these invitations by not inviting any of our coworkers.<p>

* * *

><p>"I have a boyfriend," Kurt tells Kendra.<p>

"I have a husband," Kendra replies. "And a ten dollar bill with your name on it if you bring me as your date to that wedding."

"Why do you want to go so badly?"

"For one thing, I assume it's open bar," Kendra says.

_(The camera pans up to the front of the room)_

"Tina, I'm a little confused," Brittany says. "I never got a save the date."

"That's because Mike gave it to Artie," Tina explains. "He kind of figured you two would get back together. I told him it wasn't a good idea, but Artie's one of his best friends."

"Artie's gonna be at the wedding?" Brittany says loudly.

Santana slips out of the room.

"Okay," Aphasia says, "since we all here, I'd like to just say that I quit. The only person who's paid me any attention since I got here has been Finn and I'm sick of him already. I don't give a damn about no wedding!"

Lauren shakes her head. "Say it ain't so."

* * *

><p>LAUREN: I can't go back to teaching Finn his times tables. He's going to forget everything. As much as I hated that witch, she knew her debits and credits.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room)<em>

April wobbles slightly, barely managing to catch herself from falling. "Steady, Old Gal."

"April, are you okay?" Sam asks, helping her regain her balance. "You seemed fine after your fall. Normal, even."

"That's the thing, Sam! I went to my desk and I made a few phone calls and I did more work in that short amount of time than I have since I started here," she tells him. "I've been sober for an hour and a half and I've never felt more miserable!"

"Maybe you're going through withdrawal," Brittany suggests. "You're so used to the way things were that you can't really handle such a sudden change in your life."

"Go on," April says, nursing her head in her hands.

"Some people have to take their time letting go," Brittany says wistfully, peering through the window where Santana is sitting at her desk, talking animatedly on the phone. "And _apparently _others can quit cold turkey."

Sam loosens his grip on April. "How do you know so much about withdrawal?" he asks.

Brittany blinks. "My cat went through the same thing."

* * *

><p>SAM: If this experience with April has taught me anything, it's that I need to stay away from NyQuil – and April. God, I want a nap so bad.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: I need something to wash these horse tranquilizers down with. Got any NyQuil?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk)<em>

A man carrying an arrangement of pink roses walks in. "I have a delivery for a… Mack?"

"I'll put them on her desk," Brittany says, taking care not to sniff the roses, having never been fond of the smell.

"Oh," the delivery man adds, "I almost forgot the card."

Santana heads over to the reception desk. "Here," she tells Brittany, "I'll take them over there."

"They're beautiful," Brittany says.

"It's for her first sales call," Santana explains sheepishly. "I didn't know what kind of flowers she liked so I figured roses were a safe bet."

"Not every girl likes roses, y'know," Brittany teases.

"I know," Santana says as she turns on her heels, "that's why I gave you wildflowers at your recital."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I really wish I spoke Dutch because I don't think I can describe how I feel in English, but the only word I know is <em>swaffelen<em>… and that just doesn't apply to this situation at all.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Brittany was right. Today's been great – and it's only going to get better once Mack sees these roses. Or she might deck me. It's kind of hard to tell sometimes.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, Puck is on the telephone with Sugar once more)<em>

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you I looked into that camp. No can do, babe," he says. "I'm not so sure I wanna pay for your singing lessons either. I don't care how long it takes your boyfriend's place to get fumigated! He's staying in your guest house! Make him pay rent or something."

"Hey Karofsky," Azimio calls, "we're all going out for drinks later. You in?"

"Really?" Dave asks hopefully.

"Yeah, you're one of us now."

* * *

><p>DAVE: Shipping paper is a million times better than selling it. Down here, we're all just… one of the guys.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Kurt walks over to Rachel's desk)<em>

"So how did Munder Difflin Redux go?" he asks.

Rachel glances at Santana, who is absorbed in her work. "Not the way I planned. It's better this way, though."

"Maybe the day wasn't a total loss," Kurt mentions.

Rachel follows his line of sight. Jesse waves to her from across the room and she returns the gesture.

"He asked me for your number," Kurt says, "I hope you don't mind that I gave it to him. He kinda crowded me in the bathroom."

"I thought you used the women's room because it's cleaner," Rachel says.

"I do."

* * *

><p>KURT: Does Mr. Kidney really use his own jizz to mop the floor? That's disgusting. I'm gonna hold it until I get home from now on. My pee, not my… not what I was talking about just a second ago.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The office – main room)<em>

Mack walks in the door and Brittany smiles weakly at her from the reception desk.

"How was it?" Brittany asks, more out of politeness than interest.

"Boring as hell, but I managed to convince those wrinkly bastards to purchase a year's supply of our highest quality paper."

"Congrats," Brittany lies through her teeth. Mack's never been anything but nice to her – which makes it difficult for Brittany to hate her.

"I'm so ready for this day to be over," Mack says. "I want to go home, cuddle with my dog, and drink a beer."

"I think someone has other plans for you," Santana says from behind them. She nods at Mack's desk and winks.

"Oh yeah. That's why I hate her," Brittany whispers under her breath.

Mack looks at her girlfriend. "I can't decide if I wanna slug you or kiss you right now."

"Consider this offer instead: will you be my date to Mike and Tina's wedding?" Santana asks.

"Why don't you just go in the supply closet and rip each other's clothes off while you're at it," Brittany mutters to herself. She can't help but feel jealous after her fun day with Santana was cut short.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: If she wants to cuddle with her dog so bad, she should just date him.<br>INTERVIEWER: Don't you cuddle with your cat?  
>BRITTANY: That's not the same and you know it.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The clock on the wall reads 5 PM. Everyone begins to pack up their belongings and make their way to the door)<em>

"Am I ever glad today's over!" April proclaims drunkenly. "Thank Mr. Boston I had a stash of God in my filing cabinet. Hey – what do ya have to blow in order to be under the legal limit?"

Brittany picks up the phone. "Let me call you a cab."

"That's okay, sweetums, you can just drive me home."

"Do you even have a home?" Brittany asks.

* * *

><p><em>(The camera pans over to Mike and Tina)<em>

"So Terri's making Brittany keep the supply closet locked from now on, huh?" Mike says, clearly disappointed.

"Yep," Tina replies, "she told me off-camera that it had something to do with ink. I don't know. Maybe Terri thinks we've been stealing."

"Maybe if this was a condom factory," Mike jokes.

Quinn and Sam walk past. "You know, we haven't fought all day," Sam observes. "I think that's a record."

"Come to think of it, I hardly saw you at all," Quinn says. "Did you make any sales?"

Sam crosses his arms. "You just had to bring that up."

* * *

><p><em>(The camera then follows Mercedes, Kurt, Rachel, and Jesse)<em>

"Mercedes," Kurt says, "keying Terri's car won't make her less ignorant."

Mercedes snorts. "Well, it'll make me less angry. Rachel, I don't know how you put up with her."

"That's easy. Rachel's a star," Jesse comments. "And that's a huge compliment coming from me. In fact, I don't think I've ever complimented someone who wasn't my reflection."

Rachel stands up a little straighter. "Why thank you, Jesse."

* * *

><p><em>(Lauren and Finn trudge by)<em>

"She was the second-best thing to ever happen to this accounting department and you made her quit," Lauren scolds.

Finn frowns. "At least I was nice to her."

"Then imagine what kind of effect you'd have on people if you were mean."

* * *

><p><em>(Mack's desk)<em>

"Still haven't found your keys?" Santana asks.

"Nope – no, wait, here they are," Mack replies.

Santana smirks. "I wouldn't be surprised if April 'borrowed' them."

"Seriously? I only got back like, thirty minutes ago."

"You have so much to learn," Santana says.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Santana nods.

"How many people… know? About you, about us? Because I like the idea of going to that wedding together, but are we going _together_ together?"

"Wow, okay. Uh Brittany, Puck, Dave, Jesse, Emma, Terri, and Rachel know for sure," Santana lists. "I'd be willing to bet Kurt's figured it out by now. That's about half and with the way gossip travels in this place, I'm surprised they haven't thrown us an office party. So fuck it. I want you to be my _date_ date."

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she and Kendra watch the others leave)<em>

"Scram," Kendra tells Emma – who scurries away. "You know, Terri, even though your employees don't respect you at all, you've got a pretty sweet gig here."

"Of course they respect me," Terri argues. "We just joke around all the time. Like when Mercedes called me an ass. I could tell by her tone she was totally kidding."

Kendra raises an eyebrow. "What about that woman who quit? She didn't even give you two weeks' notice!"

"She didn't quit because of me so that's not really a convincing argument, Kendra."

Kendra chooses not to comment on that one. "Whatever. I had that Kurt kid make a reservation for us at Breadstix since your film crew is too _goddamn lazy_ to do it themselves."

"I can't tell you the last time I actually ate in a restaurant. Usually I go straight home after work and feed my raccoon, but it can wait," Terri says. "By the way, have you lost weight?"

"Sure have."

"How?" Terri asks.

Kendra looks straight into the camera. "TrimSpa, baby!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany, but dating Mack. There's Brittany who's finally figured out her feelings for Santana and no longer engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office.<br>A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews/favorites/alerts! And thanks again for your patience! Enjoy!

This one goes out to **Lima Designs **for the incredible graphics and all of my wonderful tumblr friends who encouraged me to finish this chapter.

* * *

><p><em>(The office, where April is attempting to pass out baked goods)<em>

"April, these are scrumptious. I can't believe I'm the only one who's tried them," Finn says, his mouth stuffed with treats. "Where'd you learn to bake like this?"

"Shawshank."

Finn tilts his head to the side. "What?"

"What?" April repeats, pretending as though she hadn't said a thing.

"No offense, but you're kinda weird," Finn tells her. "And smelly."

"Well, you got as much brains as a bucket of dead worms. But hey, at least you're cute, Puddin'," April says with a toothy grin.

Terri walks past, but stops in her tracks when she sees April's goodies. "Are there nuts in that?" she asks.

"There can be in two shakes of a lamb's tail!" April says before turning to Finn. "You – unzip your pants."

Finn covers his crotch. "Um… my fly's already down."

"Hands off, Finn. You can only grab your genitals in public so many times before people start to complain. Just ask the cofounder of Invisible Children," Terri tells him. "Okay, April, so what _did_ you put in these? Is it stool softener? Shards of glass? Marijuana?"

April doubles over laughing. "Like I'd waste my supplies on you people!"

* * *

><p>APRIL: You should try my A-holes. It's like a donut hole, but the A stands for April!<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: You know those hand dryers in the bathroom? It feels really awesome on my junk. For when it gets a little cramped down there.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Get your A-holes while they're hot!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room, where Quinn is disposing of the treat April gave her earlier)<em>

"I really hope that by taking a brownie I didn't accept an invitation to join April's cult. I'm all for believing in a higher power, but that higher power is not a key-stealing, spray-tanned basket case," Quinn says, taking a seat next to Rachel.

Rachel, looking at one of April's treats dubiously, agrees.

"So… do you have a date to Mike and Tina's wedding?" Quinn asks after a few moments.

"I keep hoping Finn will ask me so I can turn him down," Rachel admits. "And I'm not sure about Jesse."

Quinn shrugs. "Maybe someone else will ask you."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: I considered asking Jacob, but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. We're not kissing cousins. Or cousins at all.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: Rachel's life is basically like every Judy Blume novel I've ever read. Seriously, take your pick. There's <em>Starring Rachel Berry as Herself <em>and _Are You There Terri? It's Me, Rachel_. And last but not least,_ Tales of a Dunder Mifflin Nothing._

* * *

><p>RACHEL: She compared me to a Judy Blume novel? We really are friends!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany and Santana are discussing the Mack)<em>

"So she's pretty sick, huh?" Brittany asks.

Santana inspects her fingernails. "Yeah, some kind of stomach virus. I hope she feels better in time for the wedding this weekend."

"Me too," Brittany lies.

"But if she's _not_, do you wanna ride over there together?"

Brittany scrunches her nose. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not? You don't have a date," Santana says.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: It's times like these that I envy Terri. Instead of sticking my foot in my mouth, I could just swallow a peanut and wait for my throat to close up. Lately it seems like my back's always against the wall. And not in a wanky way.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department, where Kurt is online shopping)<em>

"Surprise."

Kurt turns around. "Blaine! What are you doing here?" he asks excitedly.

"You forgot your lunch at home so I thought I'd bring it by," Blaine says, holding up a brown paper sack.

"And they say chivalry is dead," Kurt jokes.

Tina taps Blaine on the shoulder. "Hey you."

"Tina!" Blaine says, giving her a hug. "You excited for the big day?"

"Yeah, I have a couple of pre-wedding jitters, but nothing serious," she says.

Kurt puts his arm around his boyfriend. "If you get cold feet, don't ask Blaine for socks."

* * *

><p>BLAINE: Why even buy socks when they all get lost in the dryer anyway?<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: Thank God that Alaskan cruise we took was in the summer. Blaine's bad enough when he gets sick but I can't even <em>imagine<em> what I'd have to put up with if he ever got frostbite.

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse's desk, where Finn is dropping off some papers)<em>

"Hey man, I noticed you've been hanging around Rachel a lot lately," Finn says, "and I just want to say I think it's great that she has a gay best friend."

Jesse looks at him suspiciously. "What does that have to do with me?"

"Aren't you…?" Finn trails off, gesturing towards Jesse.

"Where does everyone get that idea?" Jesse retorts as he glances at his reflection in a compact mirror. "Rachel and I are an item. I sent several memos out."

"I don't really check my email," Finn says, scratching his head. "Lauren uses all caps and it's like she's yelling at me through the internet."

Jesse sets the mirror down. "Here's the sitch, Finn. I know you're Rachel's ex because I got a rather callous reply-all from Terri informing me of such– and it got me thinking. We shouldn't be rivals. We should be friends! I could set you up with so many infertile women. Plus, girls _love_ tall guys and you're so vertically blessed that if you fell down, you'd be halfway home."

Finn considers Jesse's proposal. "Could you maybe find me a date for the wedding?" he asks.

Jesse gives him a winning smile. "Blonde or brunette, champ?"

* * *

><p>JESSE: And <em>that<em> is how you neutralize a threat. Who knows, maybe Finn and I can be friends someday. I've heard there's a sense of camaraderie between guys who date the same girl. I should probably get his number in case he ever wants to discuss Rachel's grooming habits.

* * *

><p>FINN: I do want to win Rachel back and stuff, but maybe I need to make her a little jealous first. I hope my date has nice boobs. That'll show her.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: What can I say? I'm a man's man as well as a lady man. Oopsie! I meant <em>ladies'<em> man.

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office)<em>

"So are you goin' to Miguel and Tiara's weddin'?"

Terri narrows her eyes at the intruder. "Of course I am, April! I was the first person they invited."

"Huh. I coulda swore they handed 'em all out at the same time. Rhodes Island ain't what it used to be," April says, tapping her head.

Terri stares at her. "Is that what you're calling your deranged mind these days? Well, whatever your reason for being here, let me assure you that there's nothing in this office for you to steal."

"It just dills my pickle that you assume that's my reason for comin' in here!" April says defensively.

"Fine. What do you want?"

April leans in. "Can I borrow your keys for, say… ten, fifteen minutes?"

"Like I'm really going to fall for _that_," Terri says. "How stupid do you think I am?"

April heads for the door and calls over her shoulder, "You let a wild animal sleep in your bed."

"That's only because my boyfriend won't!" Terri shouts.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Trust me, April's one taco short of a Happy Meal.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: You won't believe what I can dry swaller.<br>INTERVIEWER: …I asked what you do with the stolen keys.  
>APRIL: And I jus' told you!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mercedes and Tina's desks, where Brittany is avoiding answering the phone… and Santana)<em>

"You'll never guess who we got to play the reception," Tina says excitedly to Mercedes and Brittany.

"DJ Roomba?" Brittany guesses.

"Nope!" Tina replies. "E-Lima-Nate."

"You mean Finn's lame-ass band that was formerly known as Sub-Lima-Nal Messages?" Mercedes asks, putting a hand on her hip. "You couldn't find _anybody_ better?"

"They're the only band in Lima with the word Lima in their name," Tina says. "It's trendy."

Brittany nods in agreement. "Novelty bands are all the rage in the Midwest."

Mercedes purses her lips. "Anyway, where's the reception? Is it right next to the church?"

"Um, about that…" Tina begins.

* * *

><p>TINA: Mike and I discussed having a church wedding, but the problem with that is we invited my vampire clan. They're not too fond of crosses, you see. We also discussed having a traditional Chinese ceremony. That was his mom's idea. My idea was to uninvite her. Mike vetoed both of our ideas. Like he should have a say in the matter.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room – Jesse and Finn are eating lunch together)<em>

"So what color is your dress for the wedding?" Jesse asks Finn.

Finn looks around. "Are you talking to me?"

"You're the only other person in here," Jesse says, gesturing to the otherwise empty break room. "Idiot," he adds under his breath.

"Dude, I'm not wearing a dress. That'd be weird."

"Oh, that's right," Jesse says. "I forgot that you don't check your memos. Because if you did, you'd know all the men are wearing dresses and the women are wearing suits in order to support Mike's cross-dressing cousin. I already emailed your date. She's all for it."

Finn scratches his head. "I could be down with that, too. Just one problem. I'm playing the drums at the reception."

"So?" Jesse asks.

Finn blushes. "I have to spread my legs really far apart."

* * *

><p>JESSE: I'd pay good money to see that. Finn in a dress! And not… not to see Finn spread his legs. Ah shoot, that was a double negative, wasn't it?<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: What if I get a boner?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where Dave is showing Puck how to tie a tie)<em>

"So just slip it through the hole and you're done," Dave says.

Puck grins. "You know what else slips right in?"

Before Dave can answer, Azimio saunters up to them. "Puck," he says, "you mind if I skip out early? I gotta get home to my wife and kids."

"You're not married," Puck says, confused.

"I was talkin' about the show. C'mon, it's my favorite episode. Mark Harmon guest stars!"

"Dude, just TiVo it."

"I can't afford that! The price has gone up exponentially!"

"Maybe you could if you stopped skipping work."

Azimio sighs. "I miss the days where you used to shotgun beers with us behind the dumpster, _Mr. Puckerman_."

"That was last week," Puck reminds him.

"Fine. I miss the days when you didn't drink light beer!"

"Hey!" Puck barks. "I'm watching my calorie intake. Now get back to work, Z."

"I knew it. You're one of those office bitches now," Azimio says. "Next thing we know, you're gonna come in here dressed as that sexually ambiguous curly-haired dude and try to sell us overpriced copy paper."

Puck sneers. "I'm no bitch."

"Do you see any of _us_ with a noose around our necks?" Azimio asks, pointing to Puck's tie.

* * *

><p>AZIMIO: No, Mark Harmon did not ever guest star on an episode of <em>My Wife and Kids<em>. That would be a fantasy of mine. He's also a guest star in some highly confusing dreams that involve the entire cast of _NCIS_.

* * *

><p>DAVE: I think I kind of maybe have a crush. I've only seen him a few times – including the one day I worked in the office – but he's got great style and the cutest dimples ever. I figure if I can score an invite to the wedding, I just might have a chance with Kurt.<p>

* * *

><p>AZIMIO: Tell <em>no one.<em>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera crew follows April out to the parking lot, where she pulls out a key ring with dozens of keys on it)<em>

"Pick one of these Auto-bo-trons," April slurs. "Any of 'em. Then point me in the right direction, see if NyQuil masks the vodka smell, and we're down to clown!"

"Your breath smells like onions," the disgusted camera operator tells her.

April giggles. "S'all the same to me!"

* * *

><p>APRIL: How did I get this job? I gave up another "job" for it. And I have Will Schuester to thank for that! Although he shoulda been thankin' me, if ya know what I mean.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: I coulda swore Mike's last name was Rowave.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Is it just me, or is it hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch?<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: People don't think I know what's goin' on, but I'm smart as a whip, I tell you. Hey, what's that camera doin' here?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she is on the phone with Will)<em>

"What do you mean you're not going to the wedding with me?" Terri asks.

"_Terri, I just don't think we're at that stage in our relationship. Sometimes it's like we hardly know each other."_

"Don't be absurd, Will! We know everything there is to know about each other. We're practically married. In fact, this should probably be our wedding."

"_Terri, it occurred to me that I don't know much about you other than you have a love/hate relationship with the raccoon that lives in your apartment. Like… who is your least favorite president?"_

"That's easy. George Washington Carver."

"_I can't even tell if you're being serious."_

"What? He invented the peanut and that makes him my mortal enemy!"

"_Fine. I'll go, but it better not be a repeat of the Dundies."_

* * *

><p>TERRI: The only person I hate more than George Washington Carver is Emma Pillsbury. I'm serious. If I could have the raccoon claw one of their faces off, I'd choose her.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany is on the phone)<em>

"Thank you for calling Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch. This is Brittany speaking. No, we don't sell those types of papers. Dun-der Miff-lin. Yeah, I know it _sounds_ like it should be a head shop," Brittany says. "How did you get this number anyway?"

April taps her on the shoulder. "Transfer that call to my line and there's a box of Franzia and a handful of Cocoa Puffs in it for you."

"How could anyone turn down such a great offer," Brittany mutters as she pushes a few buttons on the phone.

* * *

><p>APRIL: Mama always said life was like a box of wine. You never know when you're gonna run out.<br>BRITTANY: That's creepy.

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's desk)<em>

"Quinn!" Sam calls. "Have you seen my keys?"

"Nope."

"Will you help me look for them?"

Quinn puts her hand over the receiver. "I'm kinda busy. This anemic guy says his paper cut won't stop bleeding," she explains. "By the way, your shirt's untucked. And don't forget we're having dinner with my mom tonight. Dress up, but don't wear your Star Wars tie."

Sam sighs and continues to rummage through his desk drawers.

"Quit picking! You'll only make it worse," Quinn tells the man on the phone.

* * *

><p>SAM: Sometimes I wish Quinn would take her own advice.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The restroom, were Rachel is combing her hair)<em>

"I've been looking for you everywhere."

"Jesse!" Rachel cries. "This is the ladies room."

"I prefer the lighting in here. I know you understand because you have almost as many grooming habits as I do."

"True," Rachel agrees.

"Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you. I have something I want to ask," Jesse says. "What do you say we make it a double wedding?"

"But… we haven't been dating very long," Rachel says.

"I know it's not the most romantic place in the world, but like I said, the lighting's fantastic. Besides, don't you want your first marriage to be memorable? What's more memorable than this?"

"A lot of things," Rachel states.

Jesse gets down on one knee. "Rachel Berry, will you marry me… at the same time as Mike and Tina?"

* * *

><p>RACHEL: On one hand, I hardly know Jesse. But on the other hand, I could have a <em>ring.<em>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she is on the phone with her sister)<em>

"My invitation didn't mention anything about bringing two guests, Kendra," Terri says. "And no offense, but nobody really likes you because you're so rude and upfront about everything. You should try being sneakier about your backstabbing."

Emma knocks on the door. "Sorry to interrupt. I couldn't help but overhear and I _think_ I can help."

"You were eavesdropping?" Terri asks. She pauses. "I can respect that. Continue."

"I don't have a date to the wedding, so I was thinking that I could bring Kendra as my plus one. That way Will could come too."

Terri looks at Emma suspiciously. "What's the catch?"

"There's no catch. I'm just trying to do you a favor," Emma replies.

"How dare you!" Terri says loudly. "I'll find someone else to bring my sister if it's the last thing I do today!"

Emma frowns. "It's probably the only thing you'll do today."

* * *

><p>TERRI: How dare you accuse me of singling Emma out! I treat everybody equally bad! I mean… just equally.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse, where Dave is setting his plan in motion)<em>

"I know a way you can make Sugar jealous," Dave tells Puck.

Puck sets his clipboard down. "I'm listening."

"Bring me as your date to the wedding…"

"Are you crazy?" Puck whispers, ducking down behind a forklift.

"You didn't let me finish!" Dave says quickly. "I'll take a video of you making out with a girl during the reception and send it to her anonymously."

"Better yet, I could kiss all of the bridesmaids," Puck says as he ponders the idea. "Sugar's never been one before. It's her goal in life along with giving someone a cavity just by looking at them. Thanks, man. I owe you one. It's a deal."

* * *

><p>DAVE: That was easy.<p>

* * *

><p>PUCK: He should know better than to use Staples' catchphrase in a documentary about Dunder Mifflin. You can edit that out, right?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room, where Terri has gathered everyone except for Emma)<em>

"I need your help," she tells them.

"Raccoons are usually nocturnal so that's why you have different sleep patterns," Brittany offers.

"That's not the problem!" Terri hisses. "Well, yeah, that is _a_ problem, but not the one I'm thinking of."

"You're not holding another yard sale, are you? Because I already have too many of your old Pottery Barn toothbrush holders," Santana comments. "Plus I paid more for them than you did."

"Sucker," Terri snickers. "But seriously, I _need_ to find Kendra a date to the wedding otherwise she can't come! Mike, what about you?"

"Sorry, I'll be too busy to entertain your sister since I'M the one getting married!" Mike says, slightly annoyed.

"A simple _no_ would've sufficed," Terri says. "Jesse?"

"No can do," Jesse tells her. "Speaking of which, Mike and Tina, you don't mind if Rachel and I also get married that day, do you?"

"Objection!" Finn shouts.

"For once I agree with Finn! Rachel's Jewish, she's not getting married in a church," Terri says.

"The wedding's not in a church," says Mercedes.

"Why would you ruin my big day like that?" Tina asks Rachel.

"I didn't say yes!" Rachel responds.

"You didn't say no, either," Jesse adds with a wink.

"Kurt – why don't you take Kendra?" Terri pleads.

"I'm already bringing someone," says Kurt.

"And I have a blind date," Finn says.

"My date's blind," says April.

Sam looks at Quinn and raises his hand. "I volunteer!"

Terri's quick to shoot him down. "No."

"I guess I could take her – unless the Mack's still sick. Then I have Santana's pity invite to fall back on," Brittany says bitterly.

"Shane," Mercedes says for the record.

Terri looks around the room. "Then who does that leave?"

"Me. And I'm not going," Lauren says.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Where's that Aphasia chick when I need her?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Tina's desk)<em>

"You know, my bachelorette party was last night," Tina informs Mercedes. "And I don't mean to brag, but it got pretty wild."

"Didja flash the homeless man that lives in front of the library?" April asks from nearby.

Tina shakes her head.

"Huh," April says, "maybe I'm thinkin' of somebody else. Hey, you don't think it could've been me, do you?"

"Yes," Tina and Mercedes respond in unison.

April blinks. "I swear I must be havin' déjà vu 'cause that's _exactly _what he said when I flashed him."

"Tina, what were you saying about your bachelorette party again?" Mercedes says.

* * *

><p>TINA: My party was fun! We watched <em>Say Yes to the Dress<em> and every time someone said dress, we all took a drink. Sadly we only made it through half an episode before my maid of honor threw up on Mike's sister, but it was fun while it lasted.

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk, where Brittany is ignoring Santana)<em>

"Did you see they put Dots in the vending machine?" Santana says in her fifth effort at starting a conversation.

"Really?" Brittany asks.

"Yes, really. Here," Santana says, handing it to her.

"This is from the convenience store down the street. The bag says BP."

"Yeah, but when I got back I realized the vending machine sells them, too."

"Going out of your way to get me a gift doesn't mean you're forgiven," Brittany snaps.

Santana backs away a little. "I understand… and I'm sorry," she says sincerely.

"And for the record," Brittany continues, "nobody likes being reminded that they're single."

"I know," Santana sighs. "I know."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I asked April to deliver some NyQuil to Mack's apartment so I could buy Brittany's candy on my lunch break. She already has a key.<br>INTERVIEWER: Doesn't your girlfriend have a _stomach_ virus?  
>SANTANA: Oh yeah…<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department, where Kurt is on the phone)<em>

"But you were just in here this morning talking about how excited you were to go."

"_I'm really sorry, Kurt,"_ Blaine says on the other end of the line. _"How was I supposed to know Joe would get tetanus?"_

"He walks around barefoot! It's no wonder he stepped on a rusty nail, Blaine!"

"_Be that as it may, I still got promoted to manager temporarily which means I have to work this weekend."_

Kurt sighs in disappointment. "Looks like I'll be taking Kendra after all."

KURT: She better not get handsy.

_(Quinn's corner)_

"Why would you volunteer to bring Terri's nutjob sister anyway?" Quinn asks Sam.

He shrugs. "I just thought it was the least I could do since you and I are already going and our invitations include a guest."

"That's really sweet of you, Sam," Mercedes says as she hands Quinn some paperwork.

"Thanks," he gloats.

Mercedes ruffles his hair. "Crazy, but sweet."

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I lied earlier when I said I was bringing Shane. The truth is that we're going through a bit of a rough patch, but I overheard Kurt talking to Blaine so it looks like I may have a date after all. Hell, I'll do anything to keep Kendra away from this wedding.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she is looking at a framed picture of the raccoon)<em>

Brittany's voice comes over the phone intercom. _"Terri, you have a call on line four. It's your sister."_

"Tell her I ate a 3 Musketeers and I'm at the hospital," Terri says glumly.

"_Those don't have nuts,"_ Brittany informs her.

"She won't know the difference."

"_Are you… okay, Terri?"_

"I've just been thinking about this wedding lately," Terri says. "I don't want to be Tina's age before I finally get married."

"_You're older than her."_

"Hardly. Anyway, you know what it's like to wait for that special day that might not ever come. I mean, you were engaged for three years! That's ridiculous."

"_I'm glad I didn't go through with it," _Brittany says, glancing over at Santana's desk. _"He wasn't the right person for me."_

"Maybe Will's not the right person for me, either," Terri says mournfully.

"_Crap," _Brittany says, _"we just had a moment, didn't we?"_

"Yeah, I think we just did."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Crap. Guess who's taking Kendra now?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera zooms in on the parking lot, where Mike is waiting for a car to pull up)<em>

"So glad you could make it, bro," he tells Artie once the driver helps him out of the van.

Artie looks up at the building. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, buddy."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: I'm only here for the wedding. Not trying to win Brittany back or anything. It'll be good to see her, though. I hope she and Santana are happy together. That's all I ever wanted for her, anyway, was for her to be happy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The supply room, where April is unlocking it with her key)<em>

"Were you followed?" says a deep, unfamiliar voice from inside.

April closes the door before the camera crew can enter. "No one suspected a thing."

"Good. I got those keys you wanted during that meeting. This wedding heist better go off without a hitch. You have enough brain cells to remember the plan, right?"

"Yep, it's all in the old noodle– now I just need a little sauce to make the spaghetti," April says.

"I'm going to take that to mean you want your vodka. Here, it's in the teapot."

April giggles. "Oh Kidney, I wish I had two of you."

* * *

><p>INTERVIEWER: You've been accused of mopping the floor with your… semen. Care to clear the air on that subject?<br>MR. KIDNEY: Nothin' to clear up but my jizz.


	13. Chapter 13

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**  
>Author: mykindofparty<br>Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany, but dating Mack. There's Brittany who's finally figured out her feelings for Santana and no longer engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.  
>Disclaimer: Like I mentioned in the first chapter, not all of the pairings here are the same as The Office.<br>A/N: **LUCKY NUMBER 13 IS THE WEDDING, Y'ALL.** Thanks to Skillz and Killer for their input and killerskillz.

* * *

><p><em>(Mike's house, where Artie is crashing on the futon)<em>

"Sleep well?" Mike asks him cheerfully. "That futon's kind of… a pain in the butt."

Artie rubs the sleep out of his eyes. "My back hurts a little, but as for my butt, it's same as always."

"I know I said this a thousand times last night, but I'm so excited for today. I'm marrying the girl of my dreams," Mike gushes.

Artie's happy for him, he really is, but he can't help but feel a wave of sadness pass over him when he thinks about his ex-girlfriend and how they had plans to get married too.

* * *

><p>MIKE: I didn't sleep much last night, although I vaguely remember a dream where we got married in the world's largest supply closet, vacationed at Dunder Mifflin, and lived in a refrigerator until Tina gave birth to a raccoon. I think it means I work too much.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Puck's house, where he and Dave are getting dressed)<em>

"How do I look?" Dave asks once he's done with his tie.

"Fly as hell," Puck remarks. "What about me?"

Dave shrugs. "You look okay."

* * *

><p>PUCK: What is he smoking? I look hot and I don't need any man's approval. I'm Noah fucking Puckerman!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's apartment – where he is on the phone with Quinn's mother)<em>

"No, Judy, she's not wearing a tiara. Yes, she looks beautiful. No, I'm not planning on driving tonight. Because I'm getting shit faced," Sam says. He takes a swig of beer. "In fact, I've already started. Okay, love you. Bye."

* * *

><p>SAM: Sometimes it's like I live with Quinn's mother too. Except I don't even live with Quinn.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany's van, where Kendra is primping in the passenger seat en route to the wedding)<em>

"How'd I get stuck riding in the loser mobile?" Kendra complains as Brittany takes her time going over a speed bump. "At least Kurt drives an Escalade!"

Brittany rolls her eyes. "For the last time, it's a handicap-accessible van."

Kendra sets her tube of mascara on the dashboard where it promptly rolls off. "Was it the only car on the lot?" she asks snidely.

"It was for my ex-fiancé," says Brittany. She frowns. "That reminds me, he'll be at the wedding."

"I see. You wanna take him home! That's why you still have this hunk of junk, isn't it? You give him a ride, he gives you one… if you know what I mean," Kendra says with a wink.

Brittany's eyes widen. "Actually… I like someone else. Someone who's taken."

* * *

><p>KENDRA: People always come to me for advice because I don't beat around the bush. When my parents suspected that Terri might be allergic to nuts, I shoved a handful of peanut butter right into her face! Almost killed her, but hey, they got their answer.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana's SUV)<em>

"What's in here anyway?" Mack asks, shaking the wrapped box a little.

"It's a key to Figgins Refrigeration's supply closet," Santana replies.

Mack places the gift back onto her lap. "You know them better than I do."

"I think it's a wonderful idea," Terri says from the backseat. "Mind if I add my name on the card?"

Next to her, Will coughs. "What about the gift you begged me to buy for them? It was the most expensive item on the registry!"

"Well," Terri huffs, "I didn't tell you to take my name off that either."

* * *

><p>MACK: I was surprised when I got to Santana's apartment and Terri of all people opened the door. From what I've seen, she's a little <em>too<em> invested in Santana's personal life. I'm not the only one who's noticed, right?

* * *

><p>TERRI: My job today is simple. Keep Mack and Santana as far away from each other as possible. Make sure Brittany doesn't rip Mack's hair out. Lock Santana and Brittany in a closet together. Stop my sister from shoving peanut butter in places it doesn't belong. Oh, and have Rachel tone down her craziness. There's probably something I'm missing…<p>

* * *

><p>WILL: …She's going to forget about me, isn't she?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse's Mini Cooper, where he and Rachel are on their way to pick up Finn and his date)<em>

"Are you sure all four of us will fit in here?" Rachel asks.

Jesse snorts. "It'll be cozy alright."

"That's Finn's house on the left," Rachel says after a few moments. "Oh, there's Carole!"

Jesse puts it in park and watches as Rachel hops out to give her ex-boyfriend's mom a hug.

"Rachel, Finn didn't tell me you two were back together. What a pleasant surprise!" Carole says as she returns the hug. "And you look so beautiful in your dress. He'll love it."

"Mom!" Finn yells from inside the house. "I need you to do my tie for me."

"For the last time, Finn, it's a clip on!"

Rachel gives Carole one more hug, deciding it's probably best to let her believe they're dating again. "Tell Finn to meet us at the car when he's ready."

* * *

><p>FINN: I didn't actually believe Jesse when he said all the dudes were wearing dresses, but I called Mike just to be on the safe side.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: You're a handsome fellow, Finn Hudson, but if you try and come between me and Rachel, I'll climb a ladder and punch you in the face.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany's van)<em>

"Honey, if you want this someone to leave their significant other for you, that is _not _the dress you want to be wearing. C'mon, there's a TJ Maxx right around the corner. We have time," Kendra says.

Brittany reluctantly pulls into the parking lot. "Okay, but only because Artie loved this one."

Kendra snorts. "It's a good thing you have me."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I figure things can't get any worse by letting Kendra help… until I remember she's related to Terri.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana's SUV)<em>

"Why is Brittany's van in the TJ Maxx parking lot?" Terri wonders aloud. "Maybe we should go see if she's having car trouble."

Will and Mack agree, but Santana is hesitant. "I think she has Triple A," she says.

Terri flicks her on the back of the head.

"Ow," Santana whines. "What did you do that for?"

"I was only making sure your head wasn't as thick as it looks," Terri replies sweetly. "Don't worry, the sting will go away once you _do the right thing_."

"Fine," Santana says, flipping on her blinker.

* * *

><p>TERRI: That's my girl.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse's Mini Cooper, which is parked outside Finn's date's house)<em>

"Can you maybe scoot your chair up a little, Rach?" Finn asks from the backseat. "My knees are all scrunched up. If I sit like this for too long, they'll fall asleep and then I won't be able to walk."

"What a shame," Jesse mutters.

Just then, a towering woman wearing dress pants, a dress shirt, and a vest knocks on Jesse's window. "Hi," she says, "I'm looking for Finn Hudson."

* * *

><p>JESSE: Shannon? She's an old friend of mine. Believe it or not, she was my football coach in high school.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: I hate to say it, but the only thing Rachel will be jealous of is that lady's height.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: Okay, she was the football coach <em>at<em> my high school. Same diff!

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot – where the camera zooms in on TJ Maxx, where Brittany is in the checkout line next to Kendra)<em>

"She's not here," Terri says disappointedly.

"She probably ran out of gas and is going to get some," says Santana.

"Or maybe she was kidnapped and she needs you to rescue her!" Terri says.

Will groans. "I'm with Santana on this one."

"The nearest gas station isn't for a couple miles," Terri says. "So there is a chance that she could _get_ kidnapped. I think Santana and I should stay here while you two go look for her."

"Why?" Mack asks.

"Because if she comes back and there's no one here waiting for her–"

"It'll be just like when she left."

Terri stomps her foot on the ground.

"Fine," says Will, sensing she's about to throw a fit. "Mack and I will go to the Texaco and look for her. We'll also pick up a gallon in case she really is out of gas."

"Thank you, sweetie," Terri says. "But make it the BP instead. They're much cleaner and more environmental and stuff."

"You don't watch the news, do you?" Santana asks her.

"Don't be silly, Santana," Terri scoffs. "Of course I don't."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I don't know where Brittany is, but at least she's not with Terri.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Inside TJ Maxx)<em>

"Why is this line so freakin' long?" Kendra complains, much to Brittany's annoyance. "WE HAVE A WEDDING TO GET TO AND A RELATIONSHIP TO BREAK UP."

The man in front of them gives Kendra a dirty look.

Kendra squints. "Why are you making that face? The wedding and the relationship are totally separate… I think."

A simple "Yeah," is all Brittany says in response.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I hope Santana's having a better time than I am. Then again, she's probably with her girlfriend, so… I take that back.<p>

* * *

><p>KENDRA: I'm not down with ruining weddings. Marriages, yes. Weddings, no. It's just not my style.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Kurt's Escalade, where he and Mercedes are riding together)<em>

"I still can't believe Blaine and Shane bailed on us," Kurt says as he merges into a different lane.

Mercedes looks down at her wedding ring. "Kurt, can I tell you something?"

"Of course," Kurt insists. "Wait– are you pregnant?"

"Nope," she replies.

"Did you wake up in the middle of the night to find April standing over you holding a knife?"

"No, but now I'm gonna have nightmares about that."

Kurt shakes his head. "Then what is it?"

Mercedes lets out a distraught sigh. "I think I want a divorce."

* * *

><p>KURT: This is what I get for ordering Shane's birthday present months in advance. I wonder if I can at least get a store credit.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot, where Santana and Terri are waiting)<em>

"Ha! I win. Paper beats scissors," Terri says.

"I'm still baffled that you were promoted to manager," Santana replies. "Honestly, I just don't understand."

"Well, it's a very interesting story–"

"Santana?" says a voice behind them.

"Brittany! Hi-llo," Santana stutters. "I mean… hello."

Brittany, now wearing her new dress with the tags tucked inside, smiles. "Hi-llo to you too. What are you doing standing outside my van?"

When Santana looks around, Terri is nowhere to be seen. She clears her throat. "I'm here to rescue you," she jokes.

Brittany wraps her arms around Santana in an unexpected hug. "Thank you so much. I couldn't take another one of Kendra's mole scare stories."

"Whoa," Santana says. "That's even worse than running out of gas."

Puzzled, Brittany holds on even tighter.

On the other side of the van, Terri and Kendra giggle.

"So _they're_ the couple that's not really a couple," Kendra comments.

Terri beams. "Thanks to my guidance, it won't be long."

An incredulous Kendra exclaims,_ "You? _If they followed your example, they'd be trying to sleep with their boss… and that's you, in case you forgot."

"They are not," Terri argues, "Santana in particular told me to _stop_ bending over at the waist."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: It was a really nice moment until Santana told me her girlfriend would be back any minute, but at least I get a free gallon of gas.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: Remind me to make sure I get reimbursed for that. Even though Will technically paid for it.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Outside the mansion where the wedding is being held, April and Mr. Kidney go over their heist one more time)<em>

"Do you remember the signal?" Mr. Kidney asks, placing his hands on April's shoulders and looking her square in the eye.

April burps in his face.

Mr. Kidney sighs. "Just don't forget that between now and the reception."

April tilts her head to the side. "Forget what?"

* * *

><p>APRIL: Do I have any qualms about stealin' Mike and Tina's wedding presents? To be truthful, Qualms is probably my least favorite book of the Bible, so no. None come to mind. But I hear Corinthians is <em>mighty <em>popular at these shindigs.

* * *

><p><em>(The camera shows a glimpse of Tina through the partially open door of the bride's dressing room, then cuts over to the groomsmen and Artie)<em>

"Artie," one of Mike's cousins says, "I was so sorry to hear about what happened between you and Brittany."

"Thanks, but it's fine," he replies.

"Is she going to be here today?"

He scowls. "Yeah, she'll probably show up with her new girlfriend, Santana."

Mike, who is listening in, corrects him. "They're not together. They never were." He thinks for a moment. "Besides," he adds, "Santana is dating one of the transfers from Dayton."

* * *

><p>ARTIE: Son of a bitch.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Puck and Dave pull up to the mansion where Puck gives his keys to a valet)<em>

"Let's go over the checklist," he tells Dave. "Tuxedos that would make any dude or dudette fall madly in lust?"

Dave tries not to laugh. "Check."

"Sick haircuts?"

"Um… check."

"Flask?"

Dave fishes one out of each jacket pocket. "Double check."

Puck gives him a high five. "Lucky underwear? I know I have mine."

"I'll take your word for it," Dave says with a blush.

* * *

><p>DAVE: Puck says that we're best bros now because Santana with a girlfriend is a straight up pussy... This should be fun.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mercedes and Kurt are the car behind Puck and Dave)<em>

Mercedes looks up at the gigantic house before them. "I thought Mike and Tina only got out of debt recently. How did they afford _this_?"

Kurt follows her gaze. "I think their parents agreed to pay for the whole shebang."

"Shane and I paid for every penny of our wedding," Mercedes reminisces, a tear running down her cheek.

Then she begins to cry even harder, so Kurt hands her a tissue.

"It'll be okay, Cedes," he comforts her. "It'll all be okay."

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I'm just really confused right now. My feelings are all over the place because I… I think I've fallen in love with someone else. And he probably has no idea.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana and her party arrive, followed closely by Brittany and Kendra)<em>

"How quaint," Terri says. "Will, will you buy me a place like this someday?"

"Sorry, I signed a ten year lease," Will lies.

"I can wait… I'll wait forever. Your apartment allows children and raccoons, right?"

"Not now, Terri," Will says. "We can talk about this later."

"What better time to talk about the future than at a wedding?" she presses.

Mack and Santana trail behind them. "How many crappers do you think this place has?" Mack wonders, bumping shoulders with Santana.

"What makes you think I know?" Santana replies more harshly than she intends to.

Mack distances herself from her girlfriend. "God, what's got you in such a lovely mood?"

* * *

><p>MACK: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the number of toilets should be greater than or equal to the number of people in the house. Just sayin'.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. And as much as I want Santana to dump Mack like a bad habit, that was painful to watch. I forgot all about my drama and started focusing on theirs. It was like watching a television show; I couldn't look away. Man, I gotta get a copy of this tape someday.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Finn and Shannon climb out from the back of Jesse's Mini Cooper)<em>

"Now I know what sardines feel like," Shannon jokes with her date.

"Huh?" Finn replies.

"Never mind," says Shannon. "I like your suit."

"Thanks. My mom picked it out." He squints at Shannon's attire, which is similar to his. "You didn't get the message, did you?"

"What message?" she asks.

He leans in so only she can hear. "You're not actually supposed to cross dress. Jesse made it up to make us look dumb."

"You seem like a good kid," she tells him. "Maybe a little misguided, so I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm an adult and I wear whatever I want. If I had wanted to wear a dress, I would've worn a dress. Got it?"

Finn swallows the lump in his throat. "Got it."

* * *

><p>FINN: I'm kind of glad Shannon didn't wear a dress after all. She probably would've been taller than me in heels.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam and Quinn, who are holding hands, wait to be seated)<em>

"Are you friends of the bride or groom?" an usher asks them.

"Bride," says Sam at the exact same time Quinn replies with, "Groom."

"Groom," Quinn repeats.

Sam glares at her. "I'm on the sales team with Tina."

"You're wrong."

"What's there to be wrong about?" Sam whispers.

"We're sitting on Mike's side."

"_You_ can sit on Mike's side," Sam says, "and I'll sit on Tina's."

"Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?" Quinn snaps. "I work more closely with Mike so we're sitting on his side."

"If you like Mike so much, why don't you marry him?" Sam taunts.

Quinn digs her nails into the back of Sam's hand. "I would, but it's a little too late for that!"

The usher blinks. "I'll come back for you later."

He never does.

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn and Sam seat themselves on opposite sides of the room while Kendra, Brittany, Santana, Mack, Will, and Terri squeeze into a bench in that order)<em>

"Kendra," Terri yells across the four people between them.

"What?" Kendra hollers back.

"I like your dress! I forgot to tell you earlier when we were hiding behind Brittany's van!"

"Oh! Your dress is hideous."

"Huh?"

"I said your dress is beautiful!"

"They better not do this the entire ceremony," Santana mutters.

"Yeah, I didn't come here for a tennis match," Brittany agrees.

"Got that right," says Mack.

Suddenly realizing who is next to her, Santana sinks a little lower in her seat.

For the time being, she's stuck between her girlfriend and the girl she loves.

* * *

><p><em>(Kurt is waiting for Mercedes to get back from the restroom when he spots Sam sitting alone. Dave and Puck are a few rows behind them)<em>

"Sam," he calls. "Why don't you join me?"

Sam hazards a glance over at Quinn, who is trying her best to avoid making eye contact. "Sure. Where's your date?"

Kurt waves his hand. "Some retail emergency came up so I'm here with Mercedes instead of Blaine."

"Ah," Sam says. He stands up so he can move over to where Kurt is sitting, much to Dave's dismay.

"Who's that guy talking to Kurt?" Dave asks Puck.

"Him? He's banging Quinn so… don't be worried," Puck says. "You'll get your man."

Dave blushes for the second time that evening. "I wasn't worried."

* * *

><p>SAM: I actually like weddings and romantic gestures. Please don't tell Quinn. If she knew, I'd go broke in a week.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Tina's dressing room)<em>

"You look stunning," a bridesmaid tells Tina.

"Gorgeous," says another.

Her Maid of Honor nods. "Flawless."

"You can't even see the bags under your eyes like you normally can."

Tina glares at her third cousin. "You're only in the bridal party because my mom made me ask you."

* * *

><p>TINA'S MAID OF HONOR: Tina would like for me to inform you that she banned all of us bridesmaids from swearing today. She doesn't want any kind of negative energy surrounding her while she starts her new life with Mike. She would also like to strangle Mike's mother, but I was able to talk her out of it.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mercedes takes a seat next to Kurt, avoiding Sam altogether)<em>

"Mercedes, Sam and I were discussing the floral arrangement and I could not remember what you said your favorite flower was," Kurt says, hoping to cheer her up with some friendly conversation.

"Oh, uh… tulips," says Mercedes, feeling even more uncomfortable than before.

"That's what Sam thought, but I was convinced it was carnations."

Mercedes turns to Sam. "You know what my favorite flower is? How?"

Sam smiles softly at her, which she returns for only a split second while Kurt watches the entire interaction with a whole new perspective.

* * *

><p>KURT: For a guy as smart as me, you'd think I would've caught on a long time ago.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera pans in on Mike standing at the altar, watching as Tina makes her way down the aisle)<em>

"Dearly beloved," the Justice of the Peace begins once Tina's face to face with Mike, "we are gathered here today to join this man, Michael Robert Chang, and this woman, Tina–"

"I OBJECT!" A man, sweating profusely and almost out of breath, shouts. "Wait– this isn't the Smedley-Davis wedding. Never mind!" The man laughs nervously. "Best wishes though!"

"Get the fuck out of here!" an irate Tina bellows. She turns to the Justice. "You were saying?"

* * *

><p>TINA'S MAID OF HONOR: Tina would like to apologize for her outburst.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana's row, where she sank so far down in her seat that she can no longer see over the top of the pew in front of her)<em>

"Sit up," Mack whispers. "You're gonna miss the kiss."

Santana sighs. "No thanks. I see them kiss before work in their cars, during work at their desks, and after work at _my_ desk. Besides, I don't want to block anybody else's view."

"Finn's behind you."

"He slouches too."

"I'm with Santana," Brittany says. "Watching Mike and Tina kiss is like checking my email. I have to look at it all day even though I don't want to. And the worst part is that real life doesn't come with a spam filter."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: What other things would I block out if I could? Huh. There's dubstep, Terri, Rachel, Lord Tubbington's smoker's cough, and every trace of my relationship with Artie… to name a few.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception hall, which is really the mansion's gymnasium)<em>

"I gotta go set up my drum kit now, but save me a dance during intermission," Finn tells Shannon.

She gives him a smile. "There won't be any music during intermission, kiddo. You won't be playing."

He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "Oh yeah."

* * *

><p>SHANNON: This kid's a hoot!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri and Kendra corner a frightened Brittany)<em>

"Here's the deal. We're going to help your pathetic ass by making sure Santana and her girl call it quits," Kendra says to Brittany.

"So pathetic," Terri echoes.

"Trust me, I know all about breaking up relationships. I did it all the time in high school!" Kendra continues.

Terri nods. "Mostly she just broke mine up, but she _was_ really good at it."

"I don't want to come between them," Brittany replies.

"Stop lying to yourself," says Kendra. "It gives you wrinkles."

Terri pauses. "It does?"

Kendra rolls her eyes. "Brittany, here's what you're going to do. Drink a couple drinks, relax. Let us take care of the rest. You'll know when the time is right."

"Okay," Brittany says unsurely.

The two sisters grin.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'm fucked.<p>

* * *

><p>KENDRA: I'm going to stir this shit up with a spoon and shove it down someone's throat!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The dance floor – where the newly married couple is dancing together for the first time as husband and wife)<em>

"Besides that one interruption, everything's been perfect so far," Mike sighs. "Don't you think?"

The Maid of Honor taps him on the shoulder. "Tina would like for me to tell you that you missed a button on your shirt, therefore ruining her wedding pictures."

"So what, does she want a divorce already?" Mike jokes.

Tina shrugs.

The Maid of Honor shrugs as well. "She'll get back to you on that."

* * *

><p>TINA'S MAID OF HONOR: My name is Dottie, by the way. But you can keep calling me Tina's MoH. It's fine. I don't mind. Really. Tina said so.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera zooms in on Dave and Puck, who are also on the dance floor)<em>

"Wow, you're surprisingly not a bad dancer," Dave says to Puck.

"My hips are like a combination of Elvis and Shakira," Puck gloats. He does a spin and bumps into the girl next to him. "My bad, beautiful," he tells her. "Dave, are you filming this?"

Dave's face pales. "I left your camera at home."

"How am I supposed to make Sugar jealous if I don't have any film of me dancing with other chicks?" Puck huffs.

* * *

><p>PUCK: Oh. Right. I forgot that I'm always on camera. I sort of hate it 'cause I always have to fart and when you fart as loud as I do, people tend to assume you just shat your pants.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The buffet table – where Kendra spots her first victim)<em>

"So I said, 'Excuse me if I don't want this show to become_ The_ _Brittany and Santana Power Hour_'," says Kendra to her sister.

Terri puts a shish kabob on her plate. "For the last time, it's a documentary. And why are you being so loud?"

Kendra nudges her in the rib and nods over at the only other person at the table. Mack.

"Oh," Terri says. She looks directly into the camera. "Well, this low budget production needs star-crossed lovers if it's ever going to make it onto basic cable. And given Brittany and Santana's history together…"

Mack stalks off.

"You're a terrible actress," Kendra tells Terri. "Absolutely awful."

* * *

><p>TERRI: So what? It worked. And I'm good enough to trick the raccoon into taking his vitamins.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The dance floor – a slow song comes on and Puck already has a partner so Dave starts to head towards his table)<em>

"Can I have this dance?" Kurt asks Dave, offering him a hand. "You looked a little lonely."

Dave accepts Kurt's hand. "Well, duh. My date's a much better fast dancer than he is a slow dancer."

"Sure," Kurt says in disbelief.

"He is!" Dave laughs. "Look at Puck, he's stepping on that girl's toes now. Earlier he was dancing like a fool."

"Maybe women intimidate him more than he cares to admit," Kurt jokes.

"Maybe. Dating is pretty nerve-racking in general."

Kurt shrugs. "It doesn't have to be. I remember when Blaine and I–"

All of a sudden, disappointment sets in for Dave. "Oh, you have a boyfriend? Is he okay with us dancing?"

"One dance won't make a difference," Kurt assures him.

* * *

><p>DAVE: It did to me.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The sales team table, where Mack is avoiding Santana and Sam and Mercedes are trying to avoid each other)<em>

The silence is unbearable, until Sam finally caves. "Will you pass the salt and pepper?" he asks Mercedes.

She hands the two shakers to him without a word.

Mack stands up. "I gotta pee." She glares at Santana.

"I'll come with you?" says Santana, although she's not entirely sure if that's the correct response.

"Finally," Sam says once they're gone. "It's about time they left."

Mercedes, suddenly realizing she and Sam are the only two at the table, blinks. "Right, well, I'm going to get a refill on my… napkin."

"You can have mine," Sam offers. "We haven't really talked since Rachel's party and you're much better company than–"

"Quinn?" Mercedes guesses. "She's your girlfriend, Sam."

"I know," he says with a groan. "Which is why I feel so guilty for liking you."

* * *

><p>SAM: Can I ask you a question? Was that TMI?<p>

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Lord have mercy.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: Yeah. Thought so.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The dance floor – where Brittany is dancing alone with an almost empty wineglass in her hand)<em>

"I haven't seen you dance in the longest time," Artie says, wheeling up in front of her. "You look happy."

Brittany smiles. "It's because I'm drunker than April during happy hour," she says. "And this is a new dress." She twirls. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah," he answers.

"It's the first one I've bought in years," she giggles.

"Can I ask you something?"

She stops laughing. "What is it, Artie?"

"When you broke up with me, you said you had feelings for someone else," he begins. "And I accepted that because I wanted you to be happy with Santana– I did! I really did. But then I found out today that you two never got together and she's dating some other woman. I guess what I'm trying to say is that… _I'm confused."_

Brittany switches her empty glass of wine for a full one when a server walks by. "We're not together yet– but it won't be long! That's why I'm so happy. As we speak, Terri and Kendra are splitting them up! Y'know, the more I drink, the better this plan sounds."

Artie grabs hold of her wrist in an attempt to get her to listen. "Brittany," he says. "Listen to yourself! Are you seriously okay with those clowns interfering with _anybody's_ relationship?"

She yanks her hand away. "No, I know it's not right!" she cries. She takes a seat in the nearest chair. "They came to me with a plan and I didn't tell them not to go through with it."

Artie takes her hand again, much gentler this time. "Love makes us do messed up stuff sometimes," he tells her.

"Yeah," Brittany sniffles. "It does."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I am <em>so<em> fucked. Wait, maybe there's still time to stop them.

* * *

><p><em>(The camera follows Terri and Kendra following Santana following Mack into an otherwise unoccupied room)<em>

Mack turns to all of them. "Will you stop following me?" she says irritably.

Santana glares at Kendra and Terri. "Yeah, guys, can you give us a minute?"

"I was talking to you, too."

"I'm not leaving," Santana says.

"Me either," Kendra adds. "Terri, get back here."

"Look," Santana tells her girlfriend, ignoring the other two women in the room, "I know I was annoyed with you earlier, but you seem pretty pissed off at me and I'm not sure why."

Mack sets her jaw. "Remember my first day at the Lima Branch?" she says and Santana nods. "Before you and I left, I saw you and Brittany talking at the reception desk. When I asked you about her, you said you were best friends."

"We are," Santana replies.

Mack runs her fingers through her own hair, before gesturing towards Terri and Kendra. "According to the psycho sisters, you two were a little more than that."

"Hey! I'm still your boss, you know," Terri says, a little hurt by Mack's insult.

"You could've been honest with me," Mack tells Santana.

"I have been!" Santana argues. "I don't know what they told you, but she and I are just friends."

"Even though Santana wanted to be more," Kendra supplies. "And Brittany won't stop talking about how Santana's hot rack is just a distant mammary– I mean memory."

* * *

><p>MACK: I did not put on this much mascara to cry, damn it!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Back at the reception, April keeps a close eye on the wedding presents)<em>

"Don't mind me," April says to Mike and Tina, while picking up a gift and shaking it. "This'll go great in your rumpus room." She waits until they pass before whispering, "Or _my_ rumpus room."

"So far so good?" says Mr. Kidney, who suddenly appears at her side.

April looks out the window at the valets. "I dunno, Kidney. They got some top-notch security 'round here."

Mr. Kidney shakes his head. "We'll be fine, April. Now go pick out a getaway car. You have the keys for at least a dozen of them."

"Don't call me April," she says. "I wanna go by my codename, May Streets. You can be… Gallbladder. _Mr._ Gallbladder."

"Go find us a getaway car, May."

"Yes ma'am!" she replies, scurrying out the door towards the parking lot.

Mr. Kidney sighs. The things he'll do for the sake of a heist.

* * *

><p>INTERVIEWER: So May, how do you know Mike and Tina?<br>APRIL: Who're you talkin' to 'n about?

* * *

><p><em>(Terri and Kendra walk into the bathroom after being sent away by Santana)<em>

"I can't believe they didn't start clawing at each other like two hyenas going after the same zebra," Kendra laments.

Terri stops her. "Do you hear that? I think someone's throwing up in there. Hello?"

"Terri," Brittany moans, "don't do it."

"Do what?"

"Don't try and mess anything up for Santana."

Kendra snickers, "It's a little late for that, hon."

Brittany flushes the toilet and makes her way out of the stall. "I didn't make it in time?" she asks weakly.

Kendra pokes her head in the stall. "Oh, I'd say you made it, alright."

"Come on, Brittany. Let's get you some water," Terri says.

"No," Brittany says, pulling back. "I'm H2O intolerant."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Oh no. I just remembered something. Now Kendra's gonna have to drive my van home.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana and Mack sit on opposite sides of the room, which appears to be a library)<em>

"You made my mascara run," Mack states.

Santana bites her lip. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I have sunglasses in my purse. You can tell everybody I went blind."

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

Mack fiddles with the hem of her dress uncertainly. "Wasn't expecting to, otherwise I would've used waterproof. Besides, I think it was more our idiot manager's fault than yours."

"Most likely, but I think we need to talk," Santana says seriously.

* * *

><p>MACK: Whatever happened to, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"?<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I gotta find Britt.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The stage– E-Lima-Nate is about to play the last song)<em>

"I'd like to thank Mike and Tina for this awesome opportunity," Finn says into the microphone. "This is E-Lima-Nate's first paying gig and tonight's been a real pleasure."

"I know who I'm going to pleasure tonight," Jesse whispers into Rachel's ear as Mr. Kidney breezes past them with a box in his hand.

Terri feels a tug on her arm. "Santana? What is it?"

"Where's Brittany?" Santana asks.

"She went outside to get some fresh air," Terri tells her. She turns to Will. "Oh. I forgot all about you."

"This is it, guys," Finn says, concluding his speech. "The grand Finn-ale."

"Boo, get some better jokes! And a better drummer while you're at it!" Jesse heckles from the back of the room. "It must really suck to suck."

"Shut up! I worked really hard on that!" Finn replies. He takes a deep breath before raising his drumsticks.

* * *

><p>JESSE: One, two, three, four, Finn's band is a snore. Five, six, seven, eight, guess who's not Rachel's date? Nine, ten, eleven, twelve– damn it. Hold on. I'm stuck.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot – Santana spots Brittany's van and makes a mad dash for it)<em>

"Brittany!" Santana calls to Brittany's back. She closes her eyes and spins her around, planting a kiss on her lips.

"Wowza. Hate to break it to ya, sweetheart, but you ain't my type! I prefer bald men and you're neither of those things."

A dumbstruck Santana opens her eyes. "April? What are you doing in Brittany's van?"

"Shit, our cover's blown," Mr. Kidney says. "And we only got one present!"

"What?" Santana asks.

"Sorry, no time for pillow talk," April smirks before climbing into the driver's seat. Mr. Kidney hops in on the passenger's side before they peel off into the darkness.

Santana stands there, rooted to the spot.

"Did someone just take off in my van?" Brittany asks from the tailgate of Puck's truck.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Don't get me wrong, I still <em>really<em> want to kiss Brittany, but I just kissed April and I'm not sure how many communicable diseases I now have.

* * *

><p><em>(The getaway van)<em>

"What's the L on the gearshift stand for?" April asks.

Mr. Kidney thinks about it for a moment. "Levitate," he tells her.

"Good," she replies, "because where we're going we don't need roads."

She switches gears, hoping to soar into the night sky, only to be sorely disappointed.

* * *

><p>APRIL: Well that was a bust.<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**

**Author:** mykindofparty

**Summary:** A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's recently single and in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's finally figured out her feelings for Santana. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.

**A/N: **I apologize for the long wait between updates. My computer is having issues plus I wanted to make this chapter the best one yet. So without further ado I give you... _The Dunder Games_.

This is for you, G!

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I decided not to press charges against April for stealing my van. Mostly because I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I even changed the lock on my apartment three times already... But somehow an envelope of hush money still ended up on my kitchen counter.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: To quote fellow reality star Kristin Cavallari, the Mack and Santana are <em>dunzo<em>. Which is fantastic except that neither of them are talking to me. Y'know, I don't care that Santana gave me back the friendship bracelet that took Will FOREVER to braid, but I _do _care that it's starting to affect her job performance…

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: On the bright side, I have plenty of cash to burn.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse and Rachel crowd around Santana's desk while Terri watches through the blinds in her office)<em>

Rachel hits Jesse on the arm. "Ask her."

He shakes his head no.

"We're going to Breadstix. Wanna come?" Rachel asks Santana.

"Who else is going?" Santana replies, leaning back in her chair.

"Just us," says Jesse. He coughs into his hand. "And Terri."

"No thanks," Santana says. "I'm going to work through lunch."

* * *

><p>TERRI: See? Her work ethic has <em>improved<em>.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I sell paper for a living. That's like... one step above making documentaries – no offense – and now that I'm actually doing my job, Terri wants me to not do that. No wonder this branch almost closed.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Inside Terri's office – where Jesse and Rachel enter without Santana)<em>

"She didn't fall for it," Rachel reports.

"Of course she didn't! Your acting was as flat as your boobs," Terri retorts, causing Jesse to giggle.

Rachel glares at both of them. "Hey! I put a lot of effort into that performance."

"And I'll remember that during Dundies season," Terri says to Rachel's delight. "But for now, we need to focus on getting the old Santana back – the one who would never work through anything… especially lunch!"

* * *

><p><em>(The camera flashes back to Terri's latest attempt at getting the "old" Santana back)<em>

Terri walks into the break room and spots Santana reading. "So…" she begins, "books, huh? That's only one letter away from–"

"If you say boobs, I'm gonna leave," Santana warns.

Terri grins. "Fine! I'll just think about it then." When she actually thinks about it though, the smirk is wiped right off her face. "Okay, I'm done."

"Did you want something?" Santana asks, annoyed.

"I want you to forgive me."

Santana sighs. "You're forgiven."

Terri stomps her foot. "You don't mean that! I just want everything to go back to the way it was before. When we were friends. When we were _best friends_!"

Santana shuts her book. "A real friend wouldn't try to ruin my relationship."

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office again)<em>

Jesse frowns. "You know what I think the problem is? The ex. We get rid of her, we get Santana back."

"You want us to shoot her?" Rachel guesses.

"I tried that already," Terri says. She pauses. "Not shooting her – getting rid of her."

* * *

><p><em>(The camera flashes back to Terri's attempt at convincing Mack to quit)<em>

Terri taps her nail on Mack's desk to get her attention. "Y'know, it's really awkward that you still work here."

"I'm not going to quit just because Santana and I broke up, Terri," Mack says.

"Why not? Artie left when Brittany called off their engagement and they didn't even work in the same part of the building!" Terri says. "If it makes you feel any better, I can talk to Mr. Figgins and see if he's hiring."

* * *

><p>MACK: I <em>am<em> looking for a job, actually, 'cause I can't quit until I find a new one. Plus I'm gettin' real tired of Terri leaving raccoon shit on my doorstep.

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk – where Brittany is on the phone with Terri while spying on Santana)<em>

"She still looks pretty pissed if you ask me," Brittany tells her.

_"Then thank _God_ I didn't ask you. What is she doing?"_

"She's sitting at her desk with her arms crossed. Now she's waving to me. I think she knows it's you on the line." Brittany waves back at Santana with the phone still in her hand. "Oh no, now she's coming over here."

_"Act casual!" _Terri says anxiously.

"Sorry, Miss Bel Fonico, I'll have to put you on hold," Brittany replies, pretending to push the hold button while actually hanging up on Terri.

"Miss Bel Fonico?" Santana says, unamused.

Brittany shrugs. "You're ignoring her so in the meantime I'm her new best friend."

"Terri sucks," Santana groans, putting her head on the reception desk. "Please distract me."

"You can help me look for a new car," Brittany suggests. "My van mysteriously reappeared with a full tank of gas and an oil change, but I've wanted to get rid of it for a while and I recently came into some money."

Santana looks back up at Brittany. "So you want a brand new car?" she says, surprised and secretly glad Brittany's getting rid of the Artiemobile.

"Well, not _new_ new. It would definitely be used. But new-ish."

"Okay," Santana says with a shy smile. "I'll help you. I've been working way too hard lately anyway."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Sure, it was Terri and Kendra's idea to break Santana and Mack up, but I could've told them not to. Let's be honest though. It probably wouldn't have made a difference.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Am I glad to be single again? Hmmm. I don't know. Maybe I won't stay single for long, y'know? Just wishful thinking, I guess.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's desk – which is covered in paperwork)<em>

"Mike and Tina are still on their honeymoon," he explains, eying the enormous stack of papers. "April's supposed to help me, yet somehow I got stuck doing her job too." He pauses. "I'm not really even sure what she does."

"Me either," April chimes in. "I'm havin' a terrible case of CRS."

"What's CRS?" Sam asks.

"Can't Remember Shit," she says proudly – it's not every day she gets the answer to a question right. "It's selective."

Sam shakes his head. "Why couldn't I have been paired up with Mercedes?"

"Who?" April asks.

Before he can answer her, Quinn walks by his desk. "Hey Sam," she says, bending over to whisper in his ear. "Don't forget you're helping my Girl Scout Troop earn their Feminine Hygiene patches tonight."

Sam frowns.

* * *

><p>SAM: Did you know that CRS is contagious?<br>APRIL: Get away from me – I don't want your diseases!  
>SAM: I'd gladly get the hell away from you, but you sat in my lap.<br>APRIL: Well then care for a dance? Maybe I'll even sick your duck. Only $5,000! I misplaced all my cold, hard cash in an envelope somewheres.

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office – where she is still spying on Santana through the blinds while Jesse lounges in her chair and Rachel guards the door)<em>

"Santana stopped working about an hour ago," Terri says to the camera. "It appears she's looking at cars, which can only mean one thing: midlife crisis. I broke up with her girlfriend for her and now she's trying to recapture her youth," she scoffs. "At least she hasn't dyed her hair yet." She touches her hand to her forehead. "Are my roots showing?"

Jesse snorts. "Kinda."

"But I hear it's all the rage in Athens," Rachel assures her.

"Greece? Really?" Terri asks.

Rachel gives her a questioning look. "No. Athens, Ohio."

"Terri, I have those forms you printed," Brittany says, entering Terri's office.

Rachel moves to pat her down, but Terri puts her hand up. "She's cool," she tells Rachel.

Brittany looks around the room and notices the disheveled blinds. "What are you guys doing? The supply closet's free in case you wanna have your gross threesome in there."

Terri clears her throat. "Nothing. We're not doing anything. They're my posse. Just leave those on my desk."

"Okay..." Brittany says, not believing her for a second. "What do you need with these waivers?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Terri says.

Brittany shrugs. She doesn't really care. They don't even look like documents anyway. It's mostly gibberish, including Baha Men lyrics and the occasional legal jargon thrown in that Terri most likely picked up from _Law & Order _reruns_._

Terri groans. "Fine, I'll tell you. God, you're so annoying."

"So annoying," Rachel echoes.

Brittany knows she has to make a run for it. Luckily, the door's still wide open. "Oh no, I think I hear the phone," she says, before dashing outside.

"She never answers the phone – did you hear anything?" Terri asks Rachel and Jesse once Brittany leaves.

"Nope," says Jesse.

"That's what I thought. Now get out of my chair," Terri says to Jesse. She gives them a wicked smile. "You two have work to do."

* * *

><p>TERRI: The Dunder Games. It's part Hunger Games, part Newlywed Game, part Dunder. It's my solution to <em>all<em> of Santana's problems. She needs me to be invested in her personal life now more than ever. That's what best friends are for.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Mike and Tina are so lucky they're still on their honeymoon.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department – where Lauren is hard at work, Finn is balancing a spoon on his nose, and Kurt is looking at a photo of Blaine)<em>

"Sorry to interrupt," Mercedes says to Kurt. "But I really need to talk to you."

"Certainly! This can always wait," Kurt replies, setting the picture frame down gently. He eyes Lauren and Finn who are obviously eavesdropping. "Let's go into the break room."

Mercedes follows Kurt into the room and shuts the door behind her.

"Well?" Kurt asks expectantly.

Mercedes frowns. "You know how I said I think I want the D word?"

Kurt holds back a giggle. "Yes, I am aware that you want the D."

"Kurt, that's not funny! This is a huge decision."

"Yeah, it is a big D," Kurt says, still struggling to keep from laughing. He clears his throat. "Sorry. I'm done now."

Mercedes takes a deep breath. "I'm telling Shane tonight."

* * *

><p>EMMA: I was in the break room the entire time and neither of them realized. How do you miss a ginger? And what's so funny about the letter D?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner – where Sam is working up the nerve to tell her he doesn't want to go with her this evening)<em>

"I'm just saying... I'm not sure how much help I'll be since I'm not a girl," Sam states.

"Don't you have a sister?" Quinn asks.

"Seriously? Stacy's in your troop," Sam replies.

Quinn shrugs. "The more reason you _should_ help out, Sam. Help me help her. You want to be a cool older brother, don't you?"

Sam shakes his head. "I'll buy her all the tampons she needs, but I'm not teaching her how to use one."

"That's what you think!" Quinn counters. "You're coming with me whether you want to or not."

* * *

><p>SAM: I tried breaking up with Quinn last night and apparently I lost that argument so I think it's safe to say I'm going to lose this one, too.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: He was trying to break up with me? He said he wanted space! I thought he meant room in my apartment to put his things and I said no because all of his junk smells like the inside of a boys locker room.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: Don't tell her I said that. Oh crap, it's too late, isn't it?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera trails behind April, who is walking aimlessly around the parking lot)<em>

"Forgot what I was supposed to be doin'," she says. She looks at the cameraman. "Do you know?"

The camera shakes from side to side, indicating that the answer is no.

She sighs. "I really can't remember shit today. I don't know whether to check my ass or scratch my watch." She looks up at the sign on the building that reads Figgins Refrigeration. "Fuggums Regurgitation? Sounds familiar. Must be 'cause I work there!" April winks at the camera. "Thanks for havin' my back, Slim."

The camera shakes again.

* * *

><p>APRIL: If this is a regrigerator, then why is it hotter than Hell 'n halfa Georgia in here?<br>INTERVIEWER: You're still in the parking lot.

* * *

><p><em>(The scene changes to Rachel and Jesse preparing for the Dunder Games)<em>

"What do you think my title is? Assistant Dunder Games Master?" Rachel asks as they climb into Jesse's car.

"Whatever you want, sweetheart, but I'm _Executive_ Assistant Dunder Games Master," Jesse says.

"What? There's no such thing!" Rachel argues.

"You made up your title so I made up mine," Jesse retorts. "Ah, who are we kidding? We're both Terri's peons. It's humiliating."

"It is not! I'm her right hand gal and you're her left hand gal. Guy! I meant guy," Rachel assures him.

"Our first assignment is to pick up Terri's raccoon up from her apartment. It doesn't get much worse than that," Jesse says, glancing over at his girlfriend.

Rachel lowers her head in shame.

"What exactly _have_ you done for Terri?" Jesse asks her.

"The better question might be what _haven't_ I done for Terri," she replies.

* * *

><p>JESSE: Porn?<br>RACHEL: No.  
>JESSE: Tasteful nudes?<br>RACHEL: No.  
>JESSE: ...Meth?<br>RACHEL: No.  
>JESSE: I feel like I've been mislead.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Will calls Terri back after receiving a voicemail from her)<em>

_"Terri, did everyone get out of the office okay? Is the fire department there yet? What's going on?"_ he says frantically.

"Okay, don't get mad or anything, but the building isn't on fire," Terri says, lighting a candle in her office before extinguishing the flame with her fingertips. She shakes her hand - that freakin' hurt.

_"Was it _ever_ on fire?"_ Will asks.

"Technically yes..." Terri begins, blowing on her injured fingers. "I didn't think you'd call me back unless you thought it was an emergency - which it is! Just not the life or death kind. I need you to participate in the Dunder Games."

_"Do I even want to know what that is?"_

"I'll explain as we go. Or make it up as we go. Same thing."

* * *

><p>TERRI: First, I shall "randomly" pair people up and assign them to districts. Next, the most hilarious person in the office will have the honor of hosting the Dunder Games. That's me... in case you were wondering.<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: The rest is still a mystery, except the losers have to give the raccoon its rabies shot. That's what the waivers are for.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk <em>–<em> where Brittany is playing Solitaire on her computer)_

Santana walks up to Brittany's desk. "Hey Britt," she says, "I found a few cars that I think you'll love."

"That was fast," Brittany says, leaning forward in her seat. Solitaire can wait. Hell, anything can wait for Santana.

Santana shrugs. "I guess you could say I was _highly_ motivated."

"Wait _–_ you didn't smoke with April, did you?" Brittany asks.

"What? No. I just meant that it's about time we got you out of the Wheelchair Express and into something more your speed," Santana replies. She's still a little bitter about what that van represents: Brittany's relationship with Artie.

"Okay." Brittany smiles. "Hit me."

Santana drums her fingers on the reception desk. "First up - a 1972 hearse."

Brittany tilts her head to the side. "So a car for dead people is more my speed?"

"You haven't even heard the best part yet," Santana brags. "I found this website called Pimp My H-"

"I'm still gonna say no."

"Damn. I thought that was gonna sell itself," Santana mutters. She hands Brittany a printout. "Here's the next one."

"It's a limo," Brittany states, a blank expression on her face.

"Who doesn't dream of owning a limo?" Santana points out.

Brittany gives her a skeptical look. "Does it come with a driver?"

"Sure! I'll drive you around," Santana jokes. "Where to first?"

* * *

><p>SANTANA: What's stopping Brittany and me from being with each other now? Uh, nothing, I guess. Although I don't know if I can take another rejection from her. She's gonna have to make the first move if that's even what she wants.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I can't seem to tell her that I love her, but I wish she'd just ask me because I do.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's apartment – where her landlord, Howard, is reluctant to let Jesse and Rachel inside)<em>

"You do know there's a wild animal in there, don't you?" Howard says.

"That's why we're here," Jesse tells him, putting on a pair of work gloves. He turns his head sharply so that he's looking into the camera, causing his curly hair to bounce. "We've come to collect it."

Howard blinks. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"I don't understand. Raccoons are nocturnal... so won't he be asleep?" Rachel asks.

"That's what he _wants_ you to think," Howard reveals, tapping the side of his head with his index finger. "Oh, and he chewed through the electrical wires this morning so the power's out. Good luck."

* * *

><p>RACHEL: My job is to open the curtains while Jesse uses a piece of chocolate Howard gave us to lure the raccoon into our raccoon trap, which is actually a birdcage we found in Howard's attic.<p>

* * *

><p>JESSE: In case I don't make it out of here alive, I'd like my Chihuahua, Lionel, to stay in the DuMi LiBra family. Preferably not with April, but anyone else will do. On second thought, Brittany's cat would eat him for breakfast.<p>

* * *

><p>RACHEL: The fact that we're going in blind isn't even the most troubling part. It's the fact that Howard is the mastermind behind this plan.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(April wanders inside Figgins Refrigeration where she is greeted by Mr. Figgins himself)<em>

"Ms. Rhodes," he says happily. "It's been some time since our last meeting, has it not? I trust your elevator experiments were successful."

"You'll have to be more specific," April tells him. "I've been experimentin' in elevators since God only knows... and I reckon He's too busy blushin' to say."

Mr. Figgins laughs. "You are a delight!" he says. He glances around to make sure no one is listening. "Ms. Rhodes, how would you like to make some money _under the table_?"

"Last time I crawled under a table for money, I got gum in my hair and a pube stuck in my throat," April recalls, mostly unaffected by CRS for the time being. She still can't remember where she's supposed to be, however.

"Fascinating," Mr. Figgins notes. "Anyway, Ms. Terri Del Monico emailed me a few days ago asking if I had any available positions. She highly recommended someone named Mack, but I have yet to receive a resume from this person and I like your feisty attitude too much to let you walk out of here without offering you the position first. So what do you say?"

April sticks her hand out. "I say put 'er there, partner!"

* * *

><p>MR. FIGGINS: Ms. Rhodes seems to slur a lot. Has she had a stroke recently?<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: I jus' had a stroke of genius. All I have to do is give him the BJ of a lifetime and he'll pay any price I ask. I can hardly tell my ass from my elbow, but I know my next beau when I see him!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The dashboard camera shows Jesse's Mini Cooper – where he and a disheveled-looking Rachel drive down the road with the raccoon locked inside the birdcage in the backseat)<em>

Rachel examines the scratches up and down her arm. "He made a beeline straight for me which _wasn't_ in the plan," she says, huffing in frustration.

"Better you than me," Jesse says.

Rachel's phone beeps. "Ugh, I just got a text from Terri. We have to go pick up Shane."

"Great. More bitch work," Jesse complains. "Wait, who'd you say it was again?"

"Mercedes' husband."

"She's married? Explains why she turned me down when I asked her out. Before _you and I_ started dating, of course," Jesse adds hastily, changing the track on his CD and humming along with the new song.

"Who is this?" Rachel asks.

"Butthole Surfers. Why?"

"Nothing. It's just an odd name for a band," she comments.

Jesse shrugs. "I kinda like it."

* * *

><p>JESSE: So I like Butthole Surfers. What's weird about that?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Santana's desk – where she is filing her nails)<em>

"Busy?" Brittany asks her.

Santana sets her nail file down. "I'm never too busy for you," she says. "What can I do ya for?"_  
><em>

Brittany blushes at Santana's choice of words. Across the room, Mack watches their interaction with great curiosity.

"I have a few more concerns about this limo," Brittany states. "Does it have a hot tub?"

"Sadly no," Santana replies.

"Yikes," Brittany says. "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to say no deal. What else you got?"

Santana shuffles some papers around on her desk. "Well, I did find a third option for you. It's not nearly as exotic as my first two picks." She hands Brittany the paper.

"A Honda CR-V?"

"Yeah. It's not super bulky like the van, but it's not too low to the ground either since I know how fast you like to take those speed bumps," Santana explains.

"This _is_ more what I had in mind," Brittany says, laughing. "But I think I'm gonna go to the dealership this weekend and get a better idea of what I really want."

"Cool," Santana says. "Piece of advice. Don't let the salesperson rush you into anything. I know firsthand how intimidating they can be."

"Salespeople are the worst," Brittany jokingly agrees. She's silent for a moment. "Hey, if you're free on Saturday maybe you could come–"

"I'd love to," Santana agrees a little too quickly. She clears her throat and decides to go with a more nonchalant approach. "I mean, sure. Whatever. I'm free."

"Thank you so much," Brittany says with a sigh of relief. "I'd give you a hug, but I think your ex might shank me."

Santana looks over at Mack who is clutching a pencil a little too tightly. "I'll take a rain check."

* * *

><p>MACK: Sometimes it didn't even feel like we were dating, y'know? We were more like... drinking buddies who got naked or naked buddies who got drunk.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam stops by Quinn's desk to drop off some paperwork)<em>

"All the lights are off in the conference room," he observes.

Quinn rolls her eyes. "Maybe because nobody's in there."

"But the lights are always on. Maybe it's because there _are_ people in there, if you know what I mean," he says, nudging her.

She glares at him. "Don't be ridiculous, Sam. Mike and Tina are still on their honeymoon."

* * *

><p>SAM: I haven't seen Jesse or Rachel all afternoon.<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: I saw Terri go in there earlier and according to Sam's interview, Jesse and Rachel must also be in there. Do you think they're having a threesome?<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: Seriously, do you guys tell her <em>everything<em> I say? Not cool!

* * *

><p><em>(Figgins Refrigeration – where Mr. Figgins is giving April a tour)<em>

"And this my office where you will be conducting all of your work," he says.

"Snazzy," April says, taking in the brown linoleum floor. "If there's one thing I hate more'n a hangover, it's carpet burn."

"What?" Mr. Figgins asks.

"What?" April repeats.

Mr. Figgins takes April's hand. "Ms. Rhodes, if you have any special needs I'd be more than willing to accommodate you."

"Isn't that sweet," April mutters to herself. "Usually my tricks ain't so accommodatin'. Most can't even get a regular date!"

* * *

><p>MR. FIGGINS: Ms. Rhodes, despite her quirks, appears highly intelligent - which is good because I've been looking for someone to do my taxes for quite some time now.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Taxes... that's short for taxidermy, right?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Will walks into Terri's office)<em>

"About damn time, Will," Terri says, tapping her foot impatiently.

Will sighs. "Well, I would've been here sooner if it was a real emergency."

"It's a Santana emergency!" she shouts. "Those take top priority."

"Is this because she's still pissed at you from the wedding?" Will asks.

"Uh, yeah. She even gave back my friendship bracelet you made her."

"Really? But that took _so_ long to make," Will whines. "You made me start over halfway through."

"Only complicated braids for my complicated friend," Terri replies. "I've reserved the conference room for the Dunder Games, but if it starts to rain, we'll move everything outside. Got it? Good."

* * *

><p>WILL: Look, I know I'm above Terri at work, but she's above me in this relationship and trust me when I say that's way more important.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's swamped desk – where he is going through a list of Tina's clients)<em>

"Wow, that's a lot of papers," Kurt says to Sam. "I feel bad for bringing you more." He drops another stack onto the desk, causing a few on top to flutter to the floor.

Sam bends down to pick them up. "This day can't get any worse," he moans. "I'm doing quadruple my usual amount of work, Quinn's on my case about this Girl Scout thing, and Mercedes hasn't said a word to me since the wedding."

Kurt raises an eyebrow at him, although truthfully he feels sorry for the guy. "Not that it's any of my business, but I know something that'll cheer you up."

* * *

><p>SAM: A divorce?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The dashboard cam shows Jesse's Mini Cooper pulling into the Dunder Mifflin parking lot)<em>

"So... what's with the raccoon?" Shane asks.

"You've never met Terri, have you?" Jesse replies slowly.

Shane shakes his head no.

Jesse smirks. "Shane Jones, you are in for a treat."

"My last name isn't Jones," Shane says. "It's Tinsley. Mercedes goes by her maiden name."

"Ha," Jesse snorts. He looks in his rear view mirror at Shane's serious face. "Oh, you're not kidding."

* * *

><p>SHANE: Do I think Mercedes will be pleasantly surprised when I show up at Dunder Mifflin...? No.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office <em>–<em> where Will is peeking through the blinds)_

"They're not stupid. They'll know it's rigged," Will says, gesturing to all of the office workers.

"Agree to disagree, Will," Terri says. "They're insanely stupid. Every last one of them. Why do you think I'm the regional manager and they're not?"

"Just try not to make it super obvious you're letting Brittany and Santana win," he warns.

Terri scoffs.

* * *

><p>TERRI: The only super obvious thing about the Dunder Games is how much fun it's gonna be. Duh!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's desk)<em>

Sam eyes the growing stack of papers. It isn't fair. April's supposed to be helping him and she's nowhere in sight.

"If you were a bit more organized that paperwork wouldn't seem so bad," Mercedes says, walking up to his desk. "You can put Mike's stuff in one pile, Tina's in another, and April's in the trash."

"Thanks," says Sam. "You look really pretty today."

"Sam," Mercedes replies, her tone warning him to stop.

"You're so nice_–_"

"Quinn is nice." Mercedes rethinks her statement. "At times."

"And smart_–_"

"Quinn got into Yale."

"Will you please stop talking about Quinn? She won't be my girlfriend much longer," Sam says. "And I know you're leaving Shane which means _we_ can be together."

"I'm not leaving him for you, Sam," Mercedes insists. "I'm leaving him because our marriage is practically nonexistent. We barely talk. Most nights he falls asleep on the couch and by the time he wakes up, I've already left for work. When I get home, he's at the restaurant."

"I'd be such a good boyfriend to you," Sam promises.

Mercedes puts a finger up to silence him. "Did you not hear what I just said? _I'm not leaving my husband for you._ I see how you treat Quinn. You two are always arguing, you tune her out when she talks, and it ain't pretty when coworkers break up."

"But–"

Mercedes stops him again. "I like you, Sam, but I love myself more."

* * *

><p>SAM: I can't help it. I feel something with Mercedes that I don't with Quinn. It's like I'm Anakin and Mercedes is Padmé. They knew it was forbidden and they still fell in love. I'm not saying I want to go over to the Dark Side, but if I could change my last name to Skywalker that would be cool. I'd also take a lightsaber.<p>

* * *

><p>SAM: I think I may have gotten a little off track with that analogy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mr. Figgins' office in Figgins Refrigeration <em>–<em> where April is stalling)_

"You may begin anytime, Ms. Rhodes," Mr. Figgins remarks.

"Did you mean anytime within the next sixty seconds or anytime between now and next year?" she questions.

Mr. Figgins blinks. "The sooner the better."

"Can I start unzippin' your pants with my teeth instead?"

* * *

><p>APRIL: If memory serves, that's the fastest I've ever been fired. Includin' the time I let all the zoo animals out of their cages on Free Hamburger Day. Things got messy quick. There was ketchup everywhere! ...And blood.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room <em>–<em> where Santana is getting a cup of coffee when Mack walks in)_

"Oh, uh, I'll be out of your way once the coffee's done brewing," Santana says, not looking her ex-girlfriend in the eye.

Mack ignores her and places her food in the microwave. She presses the start button to no avail. "Piece of shit!" she curses. She glances over at Santana.

"Well _–_ if _–_ y'know _–_ that's how you feel about me it's fine," Santana stutters.

Mack doesn't say anything.

"God, I haven't felt this awkward at work since Terri gave me this friendship bracelet and made me show it off to everyone in the office just so they would know I was taken," Santana continues, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"That's fucking creepy," Mack replies after a few moments. "And the stupid microwave's a piece of shit, not you." She snorts. "You're a _pile_ of shit."

"I guess I deserve that for breaking up with you at a wedding," Santana says guiltily.

"Ya think?" Mack says. "I had to bum a ride home from Dave and Puck."

"That blows." Santana frowns. "I'm really sorry things didn't work out between us," she says.

Mack gives her a small smile. "I guess if it was supposed to work out, it would have."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Brittany had to ride back with Tina's Maid of Honor, Dottie Kazatori, but I wasn't about to bring her up in that conversation. Brittany <em>–<em> not Dottie Kazatori.

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse and Rachel watch as Shane struggles to climb out of the backseat of Jesse's Mini Cooper)<br>_

"You forget the raccoon, Tinseltown," Jesse says once Shane is out of the car. "And don't even think about scratching the leather. It's Italian."

* * *

><p>SHANE: Be honest. Is that dude gay?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera shows Santana and Mack still talking in the break room before sweeping over to Sam on the telephone with a client)<em>

"So you'd really be interested in buying paper from me?" he asks. "Even though you normally buy from Tina? That's fantastic-"_  
><em>

But before he can finish his conversation and finalize the sale, Terri ends his call. "Sorry," she tells him. "We have more important matters to discuss than paper. Follow me."

Sam stares longingly at the phone for a minute. He was this close to making his first sale, but eventually he gets up and trails after Terri, who is now standing in the center of the main office, addressing everyone.

"Greetings fellow ladies, gentlemen, and lady fellows," she says, winking at Kurt. He glares at her. "Now I know you've heard some gossip around the office about a couple who recently broke up, but I just want to reiterate that no one here has chlamydia and it's wrong to spread rumors."

"Uh oh," Brittany says, looking around the room for Santana.

Sam raises his hand. "April probably has chlamydia."

Quinn crosses her arms. "But you don't know that for a fact, Sam."

"Quinn's right; there's no telling how nasty April is," Terri adds.

"I bet Mr. Kidney knows," Sam jokes.

"I don't think we should be talking about anyone when they're not here," Emma says. "Especially concerning their indiscretions."

"Son of a bitch!" Terri swears loudly, spinning around to face Emma. "You still work here?"

Emma flinches. "You've tried to fire me multiple times, but so far it hasn't worked since I work for corporate and not you."

"I guess I'll just have to try harder next time then!" Terri shouts. She takes a minute to regain her composure. "As I was saying - hold on, where_ is_ April? I swear if she overdosed in an alley somewhere I'm not identifying her body. Everyone head to the conference room and I'll call her."

* * *

><p>WILL: Terri's plan is to tell them that the Dunder Games is a team building exercise when in reality it's just a ploy to get Brittany and Santana together. Man, all those other people are gonna be pissed.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Figgins Refrigeration <em>–<em> where April refuses to leave despite the fact that she's been fired)  
><em>

"Someone from Dumber Muffin keeps callin' me," she tells Mr. Figgins. "Hello?" she answers when her phone rings again. "No, I don't know anyone by the name of April. The name's May. May Streets."

"Maybe I should handle this," Mr. Figgins says, taking the phone from her. "Terri Del Monico! It's so nice to hear from you."

_"Figgins, what have you done with April?"_

"I haven't done a thing," he insists. "I merely offered her a job."

_"She already has a job here at Dunder Mifflin!"_

"My apologies, Ms. Del Monico. I will personally escort her back to your office. I am sorry for the confusion."_  
><em>

* * *

><p>MR. FIGGINS: I have faced Ms. Del Monico's wrath once before. It wasn't pretty and now every time I open my door, there's fresh raccoon feces waiting for me on the doorstep!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Jesse looks for a place to stash the raccoon while Rachel and Shane trail behind him. Santana and Mack are still occupying the break room so he sets the birdcage inside the ladies room)<em>

"Shane?" Mercedes says, surprised that her husband showed up at work out of the blue considering he never visited her before now. She decided not to follow everyone else to the conference room and instead grabbed a handful of papers off Sam's desk to work on. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to surprise you, baby," Shane says.

Mercedes places her hands on her hips. "Congratulations, I'm shocked as hell."

"Don't be like that," Shane says, looping his arms around her waist. "I know we haven't talked much lately, but whatever it is we're going through we can work it out. I love you too much to just let you slip through my fingertips."

Mercedes looks over her shoulder into the conference room where she can see Sam doing one of his goofy Star Wars impressions, then down at the stack of papers in her hands. "I love you too," she tells her husband.

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I'm not sure I want the D after all.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room <em>–<em> where Jesse and Rachel are handing out waivers)_

"Don't sign that," Brittany whispers to Santana, who just walked in. "I'm not exactly sure what it's for, but Terri wrote it."

"Everyone sign on the dotted line!" Terri calls out. "April, you can put an X."

"That's the one that comes after R, right?" April leans over Mr. Figgins to ask Sam. With Mr. Figgins' help, she found Dumber Muffin in no time.

"Excuse me," Mack interrupts. "What the hell are we doing in here?"

"Good question," Terri says. "In light of recent events, I've decided that maybe we don't know each other as well as we think we do. For example, who knew that Mercedes was married?"

Almost everyone raises their hand, including Jesse, who only found out that day, and a reluctant Sam, who tries to contain his jealousy. Mr. Figgins and April both keep their hands down.

"Bad example," Terri says. "Okay. Who drives the gigantic van always taking up the handicap parking spot?"

"Brittany," most of them reply.

"Not for much longer," Brittany says excitedly, crossing her fingers.

"Big fucking deal, you know the basics!" Terri shrieks. She uses both hands to gesture wildly around the room. "We're going to dig_ deeper_."

* * *

><p>SAM: I used to do this exercise program that told me to dig deeper. It's how I got these abs. But I don't ever dig deep emotionally... so maybe I should do that.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I swear, if this is just some elaborate hoax to get me to forgive her I'll quit.<br>BRITTANY: No! You already left me alone with her once when you went to Dayton.  
>SANTANA: Okay, I won't quit. I'll just call Sue Sylvester and she'll give me Terri's job.<br>BRITTANY: Do you really wanna be Regional Manager?  
>SANTANA: Only if it means I have the power to give myself raises.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri brings her laptop into the conference room)<em>

"I have another surprise for you all," she says.

"We get free computers?" Finn guesses.

"No, dumbass!" Terri fiddles around on her keyboard for a few seconds, growing frustrated when she can't seem to get it to do what she wants. "Somebody get IT in here."

"We don't have an IT department," Will informs her.

"Fine," Terri snaps. "Rachel, come fix it."

"You probably forgot your password. It's _I'll never let go Will_. All one word, no apostrophe," Rachel reminds her. Will grimaces.

_"Terri, is that you?" _says a disembodied voice._  
><em>

"Mike!" she exclaims. She turns her laptop so that the monitor is facing the rest of the conference room. "This is it. That's the surprise. Everyone, it's Mike!"

_"Mike,"_ Tina's voice calls from behind him. _"Who are you talking to?"_

"Ugh, I forgot about Tina," Terri says, not bothering to mask her disappointment.

_"It's everybody from work. I forgot I was logged into Skype."_

_"So log out."_

_"I don't think that's an option,"_ Mike says.

"What are you guys even doing in your hotel room on your honeymoon? You should be out doing fun stuff," Finn says to Mike.

"Like making the most out of the hotel linen closet," Terri adds.

"Gross," Brittany comments. She turns to Santana. "So what were you and Sheryl Crow talking about?"

"Who?" Santana asks.

"Mack," Brittany clarifies. "I happened to notice you two were in the break room a while."

"Basically we decided that we'll still be friends, but everyone says that and it's not like they really mean it," Santana says.

"We're still friends."

"We never dated, Britt," Santana says, as if Brittany needs a reminder.

"Only because we haven't been on a date," Brittany laments, but Santana is no longer listening.

At the back of the conference room, April and Mr. Figgins have their own chat.

"Miguel and Tiara aren't here on account of they just had a baby," April wrongly informs him.

"Oh, what is it?" Mr. Figgins asks out of curiosity.

"A baby."

"I meant boy or girl."

April shrugs her shoulders. "Prob'ly."

* * *

><p>MIKE: According to Terri this has something to do with the Hunger Games. I can honestly say I've never been more thankful to be out of the office.<br>JESSE: Wait, let me tilt the screen down a little so there's no glare.  
>MIKE: Thanks.<br>JESSE: No problem. You should make the most of what little camera time you get.

* * *

><p>TINA: This is Terri's harebrained scheme to kill Emma, isn't it?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room)<br>_

"Alright, everyone pair up and if I don't like who you picked I'll change it," Terri instructs.

"Mike, do you want to be my partner?" Finn asks, putting his mouth right next to the webcam, giving Mike and Tina a closeup of his toothy grin.

"Idiot, he's with Tina," Terri says, pulling him back away. "He can't do a trust fall through a computer."

"We're doing trust falls?" Lauren says, eying her partner, Kurt.

"Nope, changed my mind," Terri says quickly.

Finn snaps his fingers. "So Mike _can_ be my partner."

Terri shakes her head. "NO."

* * *

><p>MACK: So guess who I ended up with since everyone else was taken.<br>FINN: Taken where?  
>MACK: ...Try not to make me look dumb, too.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room <em>–<em> where Terri watches as her employees arrange their chairs in a large semi circle around the room)_

"Now that you imbeciles have finally picked your perfect match _–_ I mean, partner, we're going to begin the Dunder Games," she begins.

"This oughta be good," Will says, checking his watch. It's only three thirty, meaning he's stuck here another hour and a half.

"Wait! I gots to pee," April interrupts.

Terri taps her foot impatiently. "I'm just gonna keep going since it's not like she'd remember this anyway. First, imagine you and your partner are stranded on an island."

"Like on _Lost_?" Rachel guesses.

"It's just a regular island," Terri replies.

Jesse crosses his legs. "Like _Gilligan's Island_."

"Can we be stranded on Maui instead?" Santana asks, arms folded. "Or Fiji."

"You're stranded on a new island that's never been heard of before!" Terri shrieks. "Your goal is to come up with items you'll need to survive until you're rescued _or_ try to make it off the island on your own. The worst three groups will be eliminated from the competition. Any questions?"

Brittany raises her hand. "If we make it off the island, do we go back to our old lives right away or will we be famous for like a month?"

"No more questions," Terri decides.

* * *

><p>KURT: I have a question. How come Terri thought to invite Shane and not Blaine? What a bitch.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(April wanders into the ladies room)<em>

"Brittany and Santana sittin' on a branch," she sings to herself. "K-I-S-S-I-N...anch!"

Not watching where she's going, she takes another step and trips over the birdcage. "What in the__–__" She spies the raccoon squirming around inside. "Hello, kitty," she smiles. "You look like you could use a hand!"

* * *

><p>APRIL: I have a soft spot for animals 'cause they're allowed to lick themselves in public. Or maybe it's jus' jealousy!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room – Rachel stands over Jesse, who is lying on the floor)<em>

"What are you doing?" she asks him.

Jesse sighs. He's glad to finally have a steady girlfriend, but does she always have to nag him? "Terri said to imagine we're on an island so I'm working on my tan. Now move _–_ you're blocking the sun."

* * *

><p><em>(Mike and Tina attempt to get Terri's attention through the webcam)<em>

_"Terri, we have a question!"_ Mike calls.

_"It's no use. She put us on mute."_

_"No, she's just ignoring us... I think. C'mon. What else will we need to survive?"_

_"Mike, why are we pretending to be on an island when we actually are on one? Our windsurfing lesson starts in thirty minutes. Nobody will notice we're gone."_

_"Maybe they won't notice if _you're_ gone."_

_"Michael Robert Chang!"_

* * *

><p><em>(Terri slams her laptop shut when she sees Mike and Tina are no longer online)<em>

"That's disappointing. I was going to place them in the top three for sure," Terri says. She turns back around to face the other contestants. "Santana and Brittany, you first. What did you decide to do on the island?"

"We're gonna stay," Santana answers. "We brought a credit credit card so we can book a room and then we'll probably just lounge around until we fall asleep under a coconut tree wearing helmets so the coconuts don't kill us."

"Were you not listening earlier? There's no one on the island except you two," Terri says.

Brittany raises her hand again. "You never said it was a deserted island."

"Well, it is," Terri says. If they weren't supposed to win this thing, she totally would've eliminated them already. "But you get points for creativity. April, you next."

"We reckon we'd need a metal detector since me and Friggins are both landlubbers_–_"

"Let me stop you right there," Terri interrupts. "I thought _Will_ was your partner."

"I don't wanna be with anybody but Friggins!" April cries. "Except Kidney. And all the other guys whose ducks I've sicked. Never mind; Willie does fall into that category."

"Emma's my partner," Will says to Terri. "You didn't say anything earlier when you went around the circle approving the pairs."

"So I ignored you. Like that's a crime!" Terri bellows. "Doesn't mean you have to go behind my back with this... _hussy._ You and little orphan Annie are hereby eliminated!"

* * *

><p>TERRI: Rule number one. Never apologize. My sister taught me that after force feeding me an entire jar of peanut butter. I was in the hospital for a week and all she said was, "At least now I know you're not faking it."<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri smiles at the remaining contestants)<em>

"Now that Mike and Tina, Will and Emma, and Lauren and Kurt are eliminated, let's move this outside," she says.

"Wait, when did we get eliminated?" Kurt asks.

"Right now. I just decided," Terri shrugs. "Go wait in the break room with the other losers."

Lauren and Kurt exit the conference room.

"We _have_ to lose this time," Mercedes whispers to Shane as they stand up to go outside. "It's the only way she'll let us leave."

"That's a fantastic idea. I wish I'd thought of it," Santana, who is behind them, says.

Mercedes turns around. "Girl, as Terri's BFF you're in this for the long haul."

"Bummer. I knew I should've paired up with Kurt," Brittany jokes, winking at Santana.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Do I want to win the Dunder Games? No, but my partner makes it worthwhile.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room <em>–<em> where four of last round's six "losers" chat)_

"Look, I just want to say that I appreciate you guys putting up with Terri's eccentric management methods," Will says.

Lauren ignores him.

"Believe me, we wouldn't if we didn't have to," Kurt mutters.

"Kurt's right. There's not much we can do when our boss is dating her supervisor," Emma points out.

Will frowns. "I never really thought about it that way."

* * *

><p>WILL: Am I being unfair to these people by dating Terri?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera shows the remaining Dunder Games contestants and Terri standing in the parking lot)<em>

"Somethin' tells me I've been here before," April says.

"Shut up," Terri tells her. "This next challenge will test you so much, you'll wish you were in the Hunger Games arena."

Mercedes raises an eyebrow. "We'll wish we were killing each other?"

"I didn't actually see the movie," Terri confesses. "That's what it's about?"

Santana rolls her eyes. "Let's get the show on the road."

"Right," Terri says. She walks over to her car and pops the trunk, where she pulls out a long, sturdy rope. "Pottery Barn, $24."

"Pottery Barn sells rope?" Rachel questions.

"Pottery Barn sells _everything_," Terri replies. "Except Sheets 'N Things products. I looked into it."

"So we're going to play tug of war?" Sam guesses.

Terri grins. "Exactly."

* * *

><p>TERRI: Why did I buy a rope in the first place? Will and I were fighting that day and I always buy angry <em>–<em> it's why I'm in so much debt _–_ anyway, I remember thinking that I wanted Will to pay for all the painfully true things he said about me and_..._ maybe I should just stop there.

* * *

><p>FINN: I'm really good at tugging. I could tug for an hour straight.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Why was Finn talking about jerking off?<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: Wait <em>–<em> no! I didn't mean it like that!

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot)<em>

"Santana, Brittany, Jesse, Rachel, Finn, and Mack on one team," Terri decides. "Shane, Mercedes, Sam, Quinn, Figgins, and April on the other."

Brittany sizes up her teammates. "We should try to convince them to lose," she says so only Santana can hear.

Santana's eyes flicker over to Jesse and Rachel. "The hyper-competitive twins, my ex-girlfriend and Finn the ignoramus? Not gonna happen. Just accept it, Britt. You're stuck with me."

"Never," Brittany flirts, and this time when Mack glares at Brittany, she glares right back.

On the opposite side of the parking lot, the other team has a strategy.

"My husband and I will buy you all dinner if you lose on purpose," Mercedes says.

Sam frowns at her choice of words.

"We're in," Quinn says, speaking for him.

"Figgins and April?" Mercedes asks.

"Fine with me," says Mr. Figgins.

April yawns. "It's either that or wrassle up my own grub tonight. I'm in!"

* * *

><p>MR. FIGGINS: I'm happy to lose. Ms. Rhodes and I don't get along as well as I had originally hoped. Like coffee and NyQuil.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: Who says coffee 'n NyQuil don't mix? I call that breakfast!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The parking lot <em>–<em> where the teams are in position to begin the tug of war)  
><em>

"On the count of three, tug," Terri instructs them. "One."

"Remember, just let go," Mercedes whispers to her teammates, mostly for April's benefit.

"Two."

"Holy crap," Santana says from the other side. "Whatever you do, don't yank__–__"

"Three!"

Finn jerks the rope backwards, pulling the rope and his teammates back with him.

The other team stares.

They hadn't meant for _that_ to happen.

"We have our winners!" Terri announces.

* * *

><p>RACHEL: Okay, so I can add road burn to my list of injuries, but who cares how we won this round? Now I only have to beat my ex, my enemy, my enemy's ex, and a secretary to win the whole shebang.<p>

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: I'm a <em>receptionist,<em> thank you very much.

* * *

><p><em>(The four losers in the break room)<em>

"Did you hear that?" Lauren asks.

Everyone is silent.

Suddenly, a scratching noise is heard.

Will presses his ear up against the wall. "It's coming from the other side."

"That's the girls bathroom," Kurt says.

* * *

><p>LAUREN: April was in there last so it would really ease my mind if I knew she didn't just have a baby in the toilet or something.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam and Quinn follow everyone from the parking lot back inside the office)<em>

"What's the matter with you, Sam?" Quinn says. "You've been really moody lately. You were about to turn down a free dinner. I could see it in your eyes!"

Sam avoids making eye contact. "The problem isn't with me, Quinn. It's with _us_."

"What about us?" Quinn asks, her breath hitching.

This time, he looks her in the eye and says, "I fell in love with someone else and I can't be with you anymore."

* * *

><p>QUINN: I swear to God, if it's Rachel... You know what, fine! He spent most of his time drinking beer and playing Harry Potter Scene It with his nerdy frat brothers anyway.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The new group of losers <em><em>–<em>_ minus Sam __–__ enter the break room where the original four are all listening to the wall)_

"Should we come back later?" Mr. Figgins asks April.

"Nah. We just gotta be careful not to spook 'em. Hey you wallflowers! Whatcha doin'?" she coos.

"We think something is in the bathroom, but we're too scared to go check it out," Will admits.

"Honey," April says, stroking Will's curly hair, "it's just that darn cat I set loose in there. Nothin' to be a-scared of!"

"It's a cat?" he asks.

"Sure is! A black and grey one with a little white 'round the eyes."

* * *

><p>SHANE: That sounds familiar. Oh well. Probably nothing.<p>

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: Quinn's crying and Sam hasn't come back yet. But we all have choices to make. I made mine and I'm standing by it. I'm staying with Shane.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The three remaining pairs and Terri head into the conference room)<em>

"I thought team building exercises were supposed to include the whole group," Finn says sadly, waving to the losers from the doorway. Nobody waves back.

"Shut up, Finn," Terri tells him. "Congratulations to all six of you for making it to the final round of the Dunder Games! Unfortunately, only two of you can win."

"The prize better be worth it," Mack says.

Terri freezes. "Prize?"

"Yeah, Terri. What is the prize?" Jesse asks. After all the hard work he and Rachel did, they deserve to win.

"Dinner at Breadstix. On me, of course," Terri says. "Provided that you drink water and fill up on bread so that you're too full to order a meal. Santana, are you listening?"

"All I heard was order champagne and every appetizer on the menu," Santana says.

"I love their shrimp," Brittany adds.

"Shut up," Terri repeats. She points at Santana, Finn, and Rachel. "You three. Outside. It's time to see how well you know your partner."

* * *

><p>TERRI: I have a $30 gift card that I only used once. That should cover most of dinner, right? If not, I'll have to go to the Coinstar.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Outside the conference room <em><em>–<em>_ where Santana, Finn, and Rachel are waiting to be let back in)  
><em>

"Finn, can I bum a cigarette?" Santana asks, fidgeting with her hands.

He shrugs. "I don't smoke. Especially before tests."

"It's not a test. Rachel?"

"Smoking isn't allowed inside, Santana."

"I know that. It's just... I'm a little stressed at the moment and it would calm my nerves."

"I know what this is," Rachel says smugly. "You're worried when Mack sees how much you know about Brittany, she'll get pissed off that you didn't take time to learn anything about her."

Santana clears her throat. "That's not true__–__"

"It is!" Rachel laughs. "It is _so_ true. What's Mack's last name?"

"I hope it's not on the test 'cause I don't know it either," says Finn.

"It's not a test," Santana and Rachel reply in unison.

"I know things about my ex-girlfriend, okay?" Santana continues.

"Like what?"

Santana shrugs. "Stuff."

"Liar," Rachel says.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Maybe I don't know as much about Mack as I should've, but I do know she can hold her liquor and someone somewhere will be really thankful for that someday.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: One time I failed a personality test.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: I have a dilemma. I could throw the competition to spare Mack's feelings, but I am pretty sure if Brittany ever found out, she'd never talk to me again. Plus I really want Breadstix. Fuck.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room <em><em>–<em>_ Rachel, Finn, and Santana are brought back in)_

Brittany smiles at Santana as she walks in. "Why are you so jittery?" she asks.

"Too much caffeine," Santana says nervously.

"While you three were outside, I asked your partners a series of questions. They wrote their answers down on posters. If you answer the question the same way as your partner, you'll get points," Terri explains.

"Like the Newlywed Game?" Finn asks.

"If it helps you sleep at night, sure," Terri responds, even though that's where she got the idea. "Question one goes to Santana. What do Brittany's parents do for a living?"

"They're ghost hunters," Santana answers.

Brittany flips over her sign that reads _paranormal investigators._

"That's not the same thing!" Jesse argues. "Do they hunt ghosts or do they investigate paranormal activity?"

"Both," Brittany replies.

"Survey says… we accept your answer!" Terri says emphatically.

Santana watches as Brittany's face lights up and decides right then and there she's in it to win it after all.

* * *

><p><em>(Conference room <em><em><em>–<em>__ Rachel's turn to answer a question)_

"Rachel, who is Jesse's favorite band or musician?" Terri reads off an index card.

"Butthole Surfers!" Rachel shouts.

Finn snorts. "Really, dude?"

"What?" Jesse says, outraged. "I said I liked them! I never said they were my favorite. I love Lionel Richie. That's why I named my dog after him! I didn't name my dog Butthole!"

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: But what if that really was Jesse's dog's name? Butthole, sit! Now roll over. Butthole, what is coming out of you? It's disgusting.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: So many butthole jokes, so little time.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The losers <em><em><em>decide to let the "cat" out of the ladies room)<em>___

"Good thing Finn isn't here," Lauren says.

"Because he's allergic to cats?" Kurt asks.

"No. He wouldn't know what to do with a pussy even if he had one."

Lauren opens the door cautiously, giving the "cat" enough time to scamper out.

"Oh yeah," Shane says, suddenly remembering. "I knew that hiss sounded familiar."

* * *

><p>KURT: Animal control? Yeah, I'm calling because there's a raccoon loose in our office building. Dunder Mifflin... I'm pretty sure it belongs to my boss. No, today isn't Bring Your Pet to Work Day. Who does that? Oh, I guess you do.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room <em><em><em>– where Brittany and Santana are the leading scorers and all of the contestants are exhausted)<em>__  
><em>

"Oh," Terri says, looking down at her index card. "This one's multiple choice. If you were to go through your partner's Google history, which of the following would you most likely see? A, how do women have orgasms. B, porn that won't give me a virus. C, Yahoo mail. Or D, all of the above."

"That's a really good question, Terri," Brittany says.

"Thanks. I got the idea from Will's phone, actually. They were his most recent searches."

Brittany nods. "I figured. So... can we go now?"

* * *

><p>TERRI: This is the game that never ends. It goes on and on my friends. Some people started playing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue playing it forever just because<em><em><em>–<em>__  
>SANTANA: If you let us go and stop singing, I'll forgive you.<br>TERRI: Done! Congratulations on winning.

* * *

><p><em>(The next shot shows everyone evacuating the building<em>)<em>_

"But he's not rabid," Terri insists.

Kurt shrugs. "Sorry, Terri. Animal Control said they needed the place empty in order to catch your raccoon. On the bright side, they'll give him back after you pay a fine or two."

Terri frowns. "How much are we talking? Because we're in a recession. Even if I still don't know what it means, we're in one. Also, I have to buy Santana and Brittany's dinner."

On the other side of the parking lot, Mr. Figgins starts to climb into his car when Mack stops him.

"Mr. Figgins?" she asks. "I just wanted to give you my resume."

She hands it over to him and he skims over her cover letter. "When can you start?"

"Tomorrow," she says, shaking his hand.

Two rows down, Quinn tearfully eyes Sam's empty parking spot. "Mercedes," she calls. "Can I ride with you?"

Mercedes bites her lip. "Climb in."

Quinn opens the passenger side door and is surprised to find April already sitting in the front seat. "There's room in the back with Shame," April smirks.

"It's Shane," he corrects her.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Y'know, Brittany and Santana won the last part fair and square. They were ahead by at least ten points and I didn't even have to skew the scores. They're just young and in love. Can you blame me for trying to speed the process along? I won't have this bangin' bridesmaid body forever, y'know.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Brittany and Santana watch as their coworkers leave one by one until they're the only ones left)<em>

"So we just won the Dunder Games," Brittany says.

Santana smiles. "Yeah."

"It was rigged, wasn't it?"

"I'm pretty sure," Santana replies. "And I hate to admit it, but Terri might be smarter than I give her credit for."

"What do you mean?"

"I think she knew Mercedes wouldn't want to participate which is why we weren't on her tug of war team."

"That is clever," Brittany says. "Plus the grand prize is dinner for two at our favorite restaurant."

Santana's ears perk up at the word _our_. "Brittany?" she asks.

"Uh huh?"

"Earlier when you asked me to go to the dealership with you, did you mean like a date?"

"Yeah," Brittany says shyly. "I know this is gonna sound strange, but I like... love you."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: It feels good to get that off my chest.<br>SANTANA: You know what else would feel good to get off your chest? That bra.


	15. Chapter 15

**Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch**

**Author:** mykindofparty

**Summary:** A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. The Office/Glee crossover.

**A/N: **I apologize for the long wait between updates. My puppy is super cute and it's extremely difficult to stop cuddling him long enough to write things.

I call this chapter...

**The Aftermath**

* * *

><p><em>(Monday morning - Brittany and Santana drive up to Dunder Mifflin together in Brittany's new used car)<em>

"Thanks for the ride, Britt," Santana says, unbuckling her seat belt.

Brittany grins and rests her hand on the steering wheel. "No problem, Santana."

The two gaze at each other for a moment, until Brittany honks the horn by mistake, alerting everyone in the parking lot of their presence.

"Whoops," Brittany says ducking her head. "Still not used to driving this thing."

Santana smiles. "I'm glad you like it."

"Well, I'm glad you helped me pick it out," Brittany tells her.

"Then I'm glad you asked me to help you pick it out."

There's a knock on the window. "Cut the crap," Quinn says bitterly.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Do I think we're a couple? ...Maybe.<p>

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Of course we're a couple. Aren't we?<p>

* * *

><p>QUINN: They're so damn annoying. That's what they are. Well, at least somebody's getting some.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room - where Terri is holding a morning meeting)<em>

"First order of business - Mike and Tina have graciously donated a microwave for the break room," Terri announces.

"We got three at the wedding," Tina says. "I just want to thank you all for coming - except Lauren because you apparently had better things to do."

April abruptly stands up. "Did somebody say... microwave?" she asks.

"April, I will dismiss you from this meeting early on one condition: no aluminum foil in there this time," Terri scolds.

"Fine," April grumbles, her fingers crossed in front of her body.

"No crosses count," Terri adds when she sees what April is doing.

April looks at Terri with a blank expression. "Lady, you ain't sayin' nothin' but words."

Terri sighs. "Just go."

* * *

><p>APRIL: People think I'm a few cards shy of a full deck, but what they don't know is I'm playin' with all their money. That I stole. Haha!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The conference room again)<em>

Terri clears her throat. "Next up: Sam has decided to take a leave of absence. Wait, I thought he was a temp. Can he do that?"

Mercedes sits up in her seat at the mention of Sam's name, but doesn't say anything. She looks around the room to make sure no one noticed - especially Quinn - and then leans back into her original position.

"You hired him full time after Santana went to Dayton," Rachel says, filling in the gaps.

"Riiight," Terri nods, pretending she remembers. "Anyway, I hired a new temp to replace him _temporarily_. Carly, come on in."

A rather frightened looking young woman steps into the room. "It's Marley... and who was that woman praying to a microwave?" she asks.

"She's the town crazy person," Terri replies.

"You're one to talk," Jesse says with a scoff.

* * *

><p>JESSE: Sam is so lucky. He's probably sipping on a Harvey Wallbanger in his underwear masturbating to all eight Harry Potter movies. That Dobby chick is hot.<p>

* * *

><p>MARLEY: If I stay here long enough, will I start to worship the microwave too?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri shows Marley to Sam's desk, having ended the meeting)<em>

"This is where you'll be working," Terri tells her. "That's Quinn over there in the corner, Mike is by the window, and April's around here somewhere."

April pokes her head out from under Sam's desk. "Boo!" she yells, causing Marley to jump.

Marley looks nervously at Terri. "Does she always do that?" she asks.

"You get used to it," Terri says. "One more thing, do you happen to have your rabies shot? I'm only asking because that comes up a lot around here."

"My tetanus shot is up to date," Marley replies.

"That'll work." Terri pauses. "Probably." She pauses again. "Just try and avoid her if you can, okay? Also, if any raccoons show up, let me know. Animal Control says I'm like a vermin magnet."

"So what exactly is my job?" Marley asks out of curiosity.

"This is a paper company. What do you think you're doing?" Terri asks.

Marley scratches her head. "Teaching people how to wipe?"

"There's a class on that? Sign me up!" April says from under the desk.

"No, we do copy paper not toilet paper," Terri says. "Just make a bunch of phone calls until you sell something," she instructs Marley.

* * *

><p>MARLEY: Before this, I swept up cow manure at the local dairy. But somehow I think this will probably be worse.<p>

* * *

><p>APRIL: What a nice girl. Can't remember the last time I wiped so I 'preciate her volunteerin'!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner - where she is listening to customer complaints)<em>

Sometimes people have legitimate complaints when they call Quinn. Other times not so much - with today being one of those not so much days.

_"Did you know that ink smudges on your paper?"_

"Sounds to me like that's a problem with your ink," she tells the customer. "Call Staples and see what they say."

_"They said to call you."_

"Those bitches," she mutters.

* * *

><p>QUINN: Staples is the worst company in the history of the world... besides this one.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department where Kurt is going over the expense reports)<em>

"What? When did they buy that?" he murmurs to himself. "And who in their right mind approved it?"

He looks over the paperwork one more time. It was signed by F. Hudson.

"Finn!" he says, startling the other man. "Did you tell the warehouse boys they could buy a refrigerator?"

"Yeah," Finn shrugs. "The one in their break room broke and Mr. Figgins gave them a good deal on it."

"I don't care," Kurt says. "There's not enough money in the budget for that!"

"Oh." Finn frowns. "I can't tell them they have to sell it back. They'll hate me."

"Fine," Kurt says. "I'll handle it."

* * *

><p>FINN: When Karofsky told me he wanted to get Kurt alone so he could talk to him, I was kind of suspicious. But then he told me he wanted to ask him out and I was like... huh? So long story short, I've been messing up paperwork all morning so Kurt would have a reason to go down to the warehouse.<p>

* * *

><p>KURT: Cleaning up Finn's messes usually involve stains. That's all I have to say about that.<p>

* * *

><p>FINN: Okay, maybe I've been messing the paperwork up longer than that, but today was the first time I actually did it on purpose. Brilliant, right?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse)<em>

"How do I look?" Dave asks Puck, taking a step back so Puck can get a better view of his polo shirt, khakis, and the sweater tied over his shoulders.

Puck shakes his head. "Ridiculous."

"Kurt's a fashionable guy," Dave reminds him. He looks at his outfit again. "I just want him to think I have some style. If I still worked in the office he'd see me in a suit and tie every day. Now all he sees me in are coveralls."

"Maybe he likes sweaty dudes," Puck begins. "Move a few dozen boxes for the shipment that was supposed to go out thirty minutes ago. That'll do the trick."

* * *

><p>PUCK: Why does everybody I know just freakin' pine over people who are already in relationships? Sure, it's worked out for Santana so far, but do you know how long that took? YEARS.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's desk - where Marley is struggling to make a sale)<em>

"Hi, would you like to buy some paper?" Marley asks into the phone. She waits for a response, but the only one she gets is a dial tone.

"That was terrible," Brittany says from behind her.

Marley turns around to face Brittany. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Obviously," Brittany replies. "Let me guess. You don't plan on being here long?"

"Yeah. How did you know?" Marley wonders aloud.

Brittany shrugs. "That's what everybody says."

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: She looks pretty helpless. I guess we all do on our first day here at Dunder Mifflin. Then it's all downhill from there.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner - where she is dealing with a confused customer)<em>

"Sir, our discount ended last week."

_"But I ordered it online! Why didn't I get the discount?"_

"We don't offer online orders," Quinn sighs.

_"So can I still get the discount?"_

"No. It ended last week."

_"But I didn't know that! You can't make any type of exception?"_

"Afraid not," Quinn says, growing agitated by the second.

_"...So what did I order online?"_

* * *

><p>QUINN: Idiot.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office - where she is pretending to type on the computer)<em>

"You wanted to see me?" Santana asks.

Terri looks up in mock surprise. "What did you say, best friend?" she asks.

Santana holds up a folded piece of paper. "You left this on my desk a few minutes ago. It says, _Girl talk. My office. NOW._ So here I am."

"Oh yeah. That! So I couldn't help but notice you and Brittany getting out of the same car this morning," Terri says, trying to get the details.

"The honk was kind of a dead giveaway," Santana says.

Terri laughs. "You kids and your weird mating rituals."

Santana's eyes widen. "Nothing _happened_," she says in a hushed tone.

"Something obviously happened, Santana," Terri replies giddily. "And if you just fess up now, it'll save me a lot of time and effort 'cause I'm gonna get to the bottom of this one way or another."

"My car wouldn't start this morning," Santana says.

"Interesting. It's too bad I don't know any junkies with a set of keys to your car who could disprove your story," Terri grins.

Santana pinches the bridge of her nose. She can already feel a headache starting to form. "Fine! The truth is that I totaled my car this weekend."

Terri nods her head slowly, thinking about it. "So you have pictures for insurance purposes?"

Santana groans. "Dammit."

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Since when do I get outsmarted by Terri?<p>

* * *

><p>TERRI: Pretty clever, huh? I watch a lot of detective shows. And <em>Pretty Little Liars<em>.

* * *

><p><em>(Emma's office - where Marley knocks on the door)<em>

"You wanted to see me?" Marley asks.

"Marley, come in!" Emma says loudly. "I have some tax forms for you to fill out. Close the door behind you, please."

Marley does just that and takes a seat in one of the chairs. "I'm horrible at doing my taxes so I'm really going to need your help."

"That's fine," Emma says with a strained smile. She holds up a clear bottle. "Sanitize before we start?"

Marley holds out her hand reluctantly. "Sure."

"Look," Emma whispers, "I didn't just call you in here for I-9s and W-4s. I also want to give you the 411."

"Really? Another form?" Marley whines.

"No! The information. The low down on everybody," Emma explains. "You seem like a really nice girl and those people out there will corrupt you! But if you're like me and just blend into the scenery, they'll talk about anything in front of you without actually talking to you. It's wonderful! And sometimes frightening."

Marley stares at her.

* * *

><p>MARLEY: I spent all of high school trying not to be a wallflower, but I failed miserably so this should be easy.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Kurt makes his way down the stairs into the warehouse)<em>

"Hello?" he says.

There's no reply so he takes a few more steps down. The warehouse workers aren't on the loading dock and they're not by the basketball hoop either.

"It's too early to go on lunch," he shouts into the vast warehouse.

"For your information, we're on our mid-morning brewski break," Azimio says, appearing from behind a shelf.

"I'm looking for Puck," Kurt tells him ignoring the fact that Azimio just confessed to drinking on the job.

Azimio points him in the right direction. "He's in our break room with Karofsky."

"Who?" Kurt asks.

"Dave," Azimio clarifies.

* * *

><p>KURT: Of course I remember Dave from the wedding. Why wouldn't I?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office)<br>_

"Can I go back to my desk now?" Santana asks. "I have actual work to do."

"No," Terri pouts. "I wanna know what happened this weekend."

"Fine. Friday night we ate at Breadstix, Saturday we went to the car dealership, and Sunday we played Wii Fit with Lord Tubbington," Santana tells Terri as she walks over to the door. "Girl talk is over."

"Wait - you left out all the juicy details!" Terri calls after her.

* * *

><p>TERRI: I love details... Except for the ones in my job description.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The office - Sam's desk)<em>

Marley sits at Sam's desk making an conscious effort not to make eye contact with anyone after listening to everything Emma had to say - which is difficult since April really wants to talk.

"I like to stand real close to my microwaves 'cause the sound relaxes me," April says. "I even have one in my bathroom for when I need to poop!"

Finally, Marley can't take it anymore. "You're not supposed to stand right in front of a microwave. Or sit in front of it, I guess. It'll give you cancer."

April laughs. "Honey, that's just an old wives' tale," she says.

"Even so, you should take that one out of your bathroom so you don't get electrocuted," Marley warns.

"Wouldn't be the first time," April says.

Marley sighs. "I'm pretty sure you're one of the top two people I'm supposed to avoid."

* * *

><p>APRIL: Don't tell nobody, but I'm rollin' on Molly.<br>MARLEY: Who's Molly?

* * *

><p><em>(The warehouse break room)<em>

"Puck, I need to talk to you," Kurt says as he walks right in. He stops when he sees Dave all dressed up. "You look like you're going to the country club," he says.

Flustered, Dave blushes. "I'm thinking about hitting the course after work," he says.

Kurt looks at his watch. "It's 11:30 in the morning," he says. "Never mind. You golf?"

"Some," Dave replies.

Puck decides to seize the opportunity to talk his friend up. "Quit being modest," he says, slapping Dave on the back. "Karofsky here is practically a pro."

"Really? I've always wanted to learn," Kurt says.

"I - I could teach you sometime," Dave offers.

* * *

><p>KURT: What was the real reason I came down here again?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Emma sits in her office looking through her emails when her phone rings)<em>

"Emma Pillsbury, Human Relations."

_"Emma? It's Will."_

"Will!" she says. "It's always so nice to hear from you."

_"Listen, I have some news for Terri, but I'm telling you first because I hope you can help me gauge what you think her reaction will be."_

"Oh my God - you're proposing," Emma says as her heart sinks.

_"What? No!"_ Will replies to her relief. _"Remember that talk we had last week about my relationship with her?"_

"Yes," Emma says slowly.

_"I thought about it a lot over the weekend and you're right."_

"I am?"

_"It's not fair you."_

"Will, I-"

_"Or the other employees,"_ he continues. _"It was really selfish of me to think I could be her boss and her boyfriend so I am quitting my job."_

"What?" Emma asks, confused as ever.

* * *

><p>EMMA: Who in their right mind would quit their job for <em>Terri<em>?

* * *

><p><em>(Quinn's corner - where she is on the phone with an irate customer)<em>

"Ma'am, I believe your shipment was sent out this morning."

_"Do you believe or do you know?"_

Quinn double checks her monitor. "According to our computer system, the shipment was sent this morning."

_"You sure about that? Because it's still not here."_

"It will be there by five o'clock."

_"Who is in charge around there? I'd like to speak to them."_

"Let me transfer you to her," Quinn replies, knowing that this woman will not believe anything she has to say.

* * *

><p>QUINN: Every time someone asks to speak to the manager, I send them to April's black hole of a voicemail. It's a foolproof plan... unless they call back.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The upstairs break room - where Brittany is trying to enjoy her lunch)<em>

"Hey buddy," Terri says, taking a seat next to her. "Funny seeing you here."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's a total coincidence," Brittany deadpans.

Terri pulls a Lunchable out of her purse. "You hang out with Santana too much," she says. "Speaking of which, how is that going?"

"It's horrible. It's like, why did I even break up with Artie in the first place?" Brittany says with a straight face.

"Quit yanking my chain, Brittany," Terri says. "I know you two spent all weekend in bed together. Santana already told me so."

Brittany rolls her eyes. "She didn't tell you anything. Santana's a very private person. Nobody even knew she was a lesbian for like... years."

Terri twiddles her thumbs. "I knew."

"Did not," Brittany argues.

"Yeah, I had no clue," Terri admits. "That's a nice sandwich you have there."

"Thanks. Santana made it for me," Brittany says.

"Before or after sex?" Terri asks.

Brittany takes a large bite out of it. "During," she says with her mouth full.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: According to Terri, Santana and I are the Mike and Tina of lesbian sex. That will probably even be our next Dundie.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mercedes picks up her work phone and dials a familiar number)<em>

It rings once.

_"Hello?"_

"Please tell me you're coming back soon," she says.

_"I don't think so-"_

"Sam," she says, "you have a great job here."

_"I know that, but-"_

"But you're going to look for a new job instead."

_"How did you know that?"_

"I saw you updated your resume online."

_"It's already a scientific fact that Quinn and I should not be around each other,"_ Sam says. _"But I can't be in the same room as you without it breaking my heart all over again."_

* * *

><p>MERCEDES: I'll miss him, but life goes on.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Mike and Tina sneak into the supply closet)<em>

"I can't believe it was unlocked," Mike says, pulling Tina closer to him. "They should know better by now."

He leans in to kiss his wife, but stops when he senses a tiny bit of hesitation. "What's wrong?"

"Mike, what happens when our honeymoon stage is over?" she asks.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," he promises.

Tina hesitates again. "I don't want you to think we're there now, but I'm so tired and the jetlag is killing me," she complains. "Wouldn't you rather take a nap?"

Mike fights a yawn. "Now that you mention it..."

* * *

><p>MIKE: I'm just going to use your boobs as a pillow. Okay, Tina? Tina? Oh, sorry. You're already asleep.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The accounting department)<em>

"How did it go?" Finn asks Kurt. "You were down there a long time."

"I had a great time talking to Dave," Kurt replies.

"Who?" Finn asks.

"Karofsky."

"Oh yeah," Finn says, glad that his plan went accordingly. "Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy from everything I've heard."

"What else do you know about him?"

Finn shrugs. "He really welcomed Santana to Dayton and Puck like loves the dude. Well, not like, _love_ loves him. They're bros."

"Finn, I know I give you a lot of crap for your work ethic and whatnot, but I know you messed up this time on purpose," Kurt states. His voice softens. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>KURT: Me, Dave, Blaine, and Blaine's boss, Joe, are going golfing next weekend. I just hope Joe doesn't take his shoes off on the course.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The reception desk)<em>

"Can you help me?"

Brittany looks away from her computer to see Marley standing in front of her. "Probably not," she admits.

"It's just that April won't leave me alone," Marley says.

Brittany shakes her head. "That I definitely can't help you with. I don't want her to start following me around instead."

"I told her I was trying to work and she asked me why," Marley continues. "Then I asked her what she does and she said she's a high-functioning alcoholic. That's not an actual job."

"Try this. Lure her back into the break room, turn the microwave on for an hour, and she'll be hypnotized," Brittany tells her.

"Thank you so much," Marley says. "Can you watch my desk?"

Brittany grudgingly agrees, then grabs a key to lock the supply closet, not wanting Mike and Tina to sneak in while she's not there to guard it and not knowing they're already inside.

* * *

><p>MARLEY: Brittany is one of the only people that it's always safe to talk to. Kurt is the other. Under no circumstances should I ever interrupt Mike and Tina, but individually they're fine. Mercedes is okay, but occasionally grumpy. I memorized the whole list and then swallowed it so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Sam's desk - where Brittany is covering for Marley)<em>

"This blows," Brittany mutters. Apparently Marley is having a hard time getting April to stay with the microwave. She's about to go back to her reception desk when she notices a file on Sam's computer labelled _Sales Tips_.

Out of curiosity, she opens it up. In reality, it's not sales tips at all. It's a word document filled with love letters to Mercedes.

"So that's why he never sells anything," Brittany says to herself.

Mercedes glares at Brittany from her desk.

"Don't mind me. I'm just playing Solitaire," Brittany tells her.

"Maybe you should try to sell some paper," Mercedes responds.

Brittany blinks. "Maybe I will."

"Fine. Go ahead," Mercedes challenges her.

Brittany picks up the phone and dials. "Hey! Wanna buy some paper?" she asks.

A few desks away, Santana turns around in her seat and smirks when she sees who it is. "Sure. How much do you need?"

"Enough to shut Mercedes up," Brittany replies.

"Better make it four reams," Santana says.

Brittany winks at her. "You're my best customer, you know that?"

"You're just saying that 'cause I'm your only customer," Santana flirts back.

* * *

><p>SANTANA: Would I buy Dunder Mifflin for her if she asked? Yeah. I would. I'd give her the world.<br>BRITTANY: You've gotta stop saying things like that 'cause one day I'm gonna tell you to pay up.

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office - where she is on the phone with Will)<em>

"You quit WHAT?" she yells into her receiver.

_"My job?"_ Will repeats.

"Will, why would you do that? We had such a good thing going! I don't have to do anything at work and you get sex."

_"It's unethical. I'm sorry, Terr."_

Terri crushes a pencil in her hand. "So what are you gonna do in the meantime?"

_"I've applied for a teaching position in Allen County."_

"It's almost summer, Will! Which means you won't start until this fall. What are you going to do until then?"

_"I was thinking that maybe I'd move in with you,"_ Will says. _"That way I don't have to worry about paying _both_ of our rents."_

Terri's eyes light up. "That could work. I'll ask Howard if he has any odd jobs around the apartment complex for you this summer."

_"So you're not mad?"_ Will asks hopefully.

Terri bites her lip. "Don't hold your breath."

* * *

><p>TERRI: Who told him this was a good idea?<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The break room - where Marley and April keep watching the microwave go round and round)<em>

"There's not even anything in there and I'm just - mesmerized," Marley says in awe as the microwave counts down from ten seconds.

"Toldja so," April brags.

The machine beeps, breaking their almost hypnotic trance.

"How's about we grab a drink after work? It's almost five," April asks Marley.

"No thanks," Marley declines. "This was fun, but my boyfriend's waiting for me at home."

"Ah, young love," April reminisces, "what's your feller's name?"

Marley blushes. "Jake."

* * *

><p>MARLEY: April frightened me at first, but once I got to know her-<br>APRIL: Boo!  
>MARLEY: Quit doing that!<p>

* * *

><p><em>(Terri's office - where she is hovering by the door)<em>

"You two - in here. Now," She says, pointing to Brittany and Santana.

They look at each other and shrug, but follow her inside anyway.

"What's up?" Brittany asks.

Terri takes a deep, calming breath. "I just want to know why Santana didn't drive her car to work this morning. Tell me that and then you can go."

"I made her breakfast," Brittany says.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Terri replies.

"I had to drive to Brittany's apartment this morning so she could," Santana informs her. "Then we just decided it would be easier to carpool."

Terri looks back and forth between them. "So you haven't...?"

Brittany grabs hold of Santana's hand. "We told you what you wanted to know. Bye, Terri."

"Sorry, my girlfriend's just really impatient," Santana yells to Terri.

* * *

><p>BRITTANY: Girlfriend?<br>SANTANA: Girlfriend.

* * *

><p>TERRI: Well, I'll be damned.<p>

* * *

><p><em>(The camera shows the empty office)<em>

"Hello?" Mike calls from inside the supply closet. "Anybody still here? If you're there, please let us out. It's locked from the outside."

"Guess we're sleeping in here tonight," Tina says.

"I'm still using your boobs as pillows," Mike replies.

* * *

><p><em>(Outside Brittany's apartment - where Santana's car is parked)<em>

"Do you want to come inside?" Brittany asks Santana.

"I'd love to," Santana replies.

Brittany fumbles for her apartment key. "I love you," she says.

Santana can't help but smile - because that's all she's ever wanted. "I love you too."

"No cameras allowed," Brittany tells the crew before shutting the door in their faces.


End file.
